anita –

i’m glad yesterday was a good discussion! for today, i emailed someone just to talk about records, but the whole thing turned out just to be a compliment and then a reply – which is totally fine!

i have a math test tomorrow that i’m a bit intimidated about, but i’m hoping that it goes well. it’s logic so it’s pretty different from just doing arithmetic.

i haven’t talked to the guy i like in a few days. it’s not exactly hard to get his attention. i guess that’s not the exact way to explain it. but it is hard to get him to talk to me. like just a regular conversation. i don’t know how to do it. i can’t tell if i’m too nervous or too bad at talking, but i always hope for anything i send him to hopefully start a conversation. it just hasn’t happened yet.

and i’ve been thinking more about acting/voice acting. i’m not really sure how to break out of my bubble of just daydreaming. it’d be nice to have a fun career like that. i think it’d be something i really want to do, but i think i get caught up in all the fun it may be and forget to take issues that could come along with it into consideration too.

not to be too in your business, anita. but do you have any kids? i remember saying you were married. what’s that like? what’s it like to have a family? that’s something i always think about. although i’m not sure if it will actually ever happen for me. i don’t know how clear into my own future i can see, but it’s really nice to think and dream about.

anita –

i think the test i took went pretty well. maybe i did okay, but i think once i find out i’ll be okay with any grade – just to see where i stand and what i need to improve. it wasn’t a breeze through, but i enjoy challenges so i want to stick through that math class till the end of the semester.

yes i remember that analogy! and to add to the tree i made an acquaintance at school today! she said that she’s seen me around (but i haven’t seen her cause i usually stick in my own zone). she’s really nice and we’re actually in the same class so maybe we’ll end up being friends! i hope you’re growing too anita and getting over all your fears one by one at your own pace too! and thank you for being happy for me! it’s really nice to have you as an online friend to talk to and actually help me grow and develop. without you i would really only be stuck waiting and waiting for things to change, but slowly i think i see that things may actually be changing!

i definitely can tell that marriage is a long step away so i’d say you’re way ahead of me fearwise. marriage is probably the level 100 of the game.

i’m thinking of talking to him today too. what will i do? i have no idea, but i’m determined to get an actual invested conversation out of him. i know i can’t MAKE anybody do anything, but i feel like we have to talk for some reason. there’s just something about him that i feel like there’s something that’s supposed to happen between us. and maybe it could be me just wanting that, but it feels deeper than that. just by heart or gut feeling. just me seeing beyond what’s in front of me. just a feeling of something that’s bound. i don’t know if it’s bad or good, but i hope for the latter. i really really do.

i haven’t necessarily started a conversation with him. im too apprehensive. i feel like maybe he could be busy or something, but i’m sure that we’ll talk one day. i just don’t want to end up waiting forever again which is the part that really confuses me and irks me. and i don’t really know if i should feel bad or confused or whatever but it’s bleeding into everything else. just my attitude toward everything is sucky because i’m in a bad mood constantly worrying “is he going to talk to me? (on his own)” “am i annoying him?” “does he even think about me?” “will he ever answer me?” and just waiting waiting waiting for anything from him at anytime. and i’m not mad at him, not at all. i’m mad at myself. because i feel ugly and subpar and i feel unsure and i don’t even know if i’m really worth his time. maybe he could be afraid to say anything to me. that’s in a good light, and if that’s what it really is, that’s fine. but what do i do with all this time other than worry and wait for him to show up. i’m really just upset and i want to keep my spirits up as best as i can, but i think that maybe i’m draining myself. i have nothing else to do but worry. i have no friends (in my real life) and i don’t have much i can do to just…release, relax and just have fun.