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afraid to live

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  • February 11, 2016 at 10:52 am #95801
    Wisdom
    Participant

    i do see your help as a form of love. probably the only love that i may be getting right now. i actually attempted today and i’m waiting for an answer from him. i’ve actually never been so afraid in my life it’s actually funny haha! i’m sure it’ll be fine, but i’ll know once he answers me. i feel part dumb and part happy cause i just finally did it, but a lot of me is truly afraid. but that’s all malnourishment. i actually don’t know how to feel now. i don’t know where life goes from here. i feel like i made this whole big decision it’s weird.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Wisdom.
    February 11, 2016 at 11:44 am #95807
    Wisdom
    Participant

    but it doesn’t matter anita. he answered me and it was like nothing. i answered him again and now there’s no answer. maybe i’m nothing. maybe i’m nothing to him. and that’s just something i’ll have to deal with. i really don’t know. but i tried and i’m tired of trying. i’m sick of being nothing to people i really like and right now, i don’t know where i’m going. with life, with faith or anything. i just really need to start over. for a really long time i was stuck on him and i still am and maybe that’s all i’ll be. but for him, i get the feeling i’ll be nothing.

    February 11, 2016 at 12:27 pm #95812
    Wisdom
    Participant

    update: he answered me after i thought he wouldn’t. maybe i got too emotional. all i hope for is that it all goes well. who knows what it’ll turn out to be?

    February 11, 2016 at 1:02 pm #95813
    Wisdom
    Participant

    he could be busy. he could not care as much. but i don’t know. i tried though…

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Wisdom.
    February 11, 2016 at 2:59 pm #95821
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Wisdom:

    I am proud of you for trying! I really am!!! Thumbs up to you!!!

    Notice what a good feeling you had right after you sent him a message: you wrote above: “i feel part dumb and part happy cause i just finally did it”- you felt happy because you did it, because you did what you were afraid of doing before.

    You felt happy at that point not because he answered. You didn’t know at that point if he will answer or not, or what his answer will be. You felt happy because…. you overcame your fear and sent him a message. You felt happy because you experienced a victory over your own fear.

    And this is it, the source of your happiness: taking a step here and a step there in spite of your fear, experiencing this victory and that victory over your fear… and over time, you will feel the strength you so desperately need. There will be fear but there will also be excitement, that happiness… that LIFE. Over time you will not be as afraid to live as you have been.

    In the next post above you wrote that he didn’t answer and you wrote: “maybe i’m nothing. maybe i’m nothing to him.”

    A little later he answered. So let’s look at your conclusion that I quoted here that you are nothing. If one moment you were nothing because he didn’t answer and the next moment he answered; do you become something in an instant, all depending of whether he answers or not… and later what kind of answer will determine if you are something or nothing?

    Or maybe something else determine if you are something: the fact that you did something you were afraid of doing? You made yourself a somebody when you took the initiative to do something you were afraid of doing.

    He did not and can not make you a somebody.

    You did it today: you did it: you made yourself a somebody!!!

    anita

    February 11, 2016 at 3:15 pm #95822
    Wisdom
    Participant

    thank you so much anita!

    to answer what he could say to make me feel like i’m something: i actually don’t know, but the way i imagined it going was way different. like maybe he’d be like “hi! how are you?!” or something like that. something that says “i miss you”, you know? because i missed him a lot. not that he’s supposed to feel exactly the same way. he has more of a life than i do so i don’t expect him to be thinking about me 24/7 over a course of a whole year, but i always wondered, “i think about him all day, and does he ever think about me at all?”

    and he’s answered me about three times, but right now i’m either waiting for another answer or he’s done talking to me. i’m not so good at keeping conversation. well, not so much with him at the moment because i don’t wanna show this whole overload of emotion all at once.

    and i think that i made myself a bigger person at heart than i was before, i feel way better. just to have that monkey off my back. i’m actually very proud of myself for that tiny little step i made.

    February 11, 2016 at 3:46 pm #95829
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Wisdom:

    Way more important than me being proud of you (and I am!) is that you are proud of you! This is the biggest lesson of the day, I believe and this is regardless of his response.

    You did something other than WAIT. Waiting is so passive and helpless and I don’t like passive and helpless: it was miserable for me to be passive and helpless… and I have been these things most of my life: not recommended!

    On a logical front: it is better to make a move and find out if there is or could be something with the guy than to wonder for so many hours and days… if there is nothing to happen as a result of you making the move (again, i am so proud of you! I can’t get over how much!) – maybe that way you will free your mind from the ongoing ruminating about him which is not useful and doesn’t give you any advantage.

    Well, he answered three times. He did answer. Three times. I would maybe send him a message tomorrow… I don’t know.

    Good job, Wisdom! Give yourself a thumbs up for me, please!

    Write anytime!

    anita

    February 11, 2016 at 3:54 pm #95830
    Wisdom
    Participant

    looking back on yesterday being passive is totally miserable it’s like standing still and watching everything move past you and it only looks as if you’re moving too. i actually feel like i can do almost anything after talking to him. and i would try talking to him tomorrow, but i still can’t get off astrology haha! i just don’t want to be too much on him (well i kinda do, but i don’t want to let him know that haha! not yet.) i really hope we get to talk again though. we always seem to have these broken conversations that just seem to hang somewhere in the middle so i don’t know what that means for him, but for me, i’ve just learned to give him his space. to let him just…do what he wants or has to do.

    February 11, 2016 at 4:10 pm #95831
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Wisdom:

    You took initiative and action today. You weren’t powerless… you took power into your hands, and you did it with good sense. Now, isn’t power intoxicating? No wonder people get carried away with power. But taking power with good sense to go along with it is intoxicating and healthy! This is it.

    You will be afraid again, and again… we all are. We all have to live with fear. But you don’t have to submit to it, paralyzed, passive, waiting, helpless, powerless. No, not Wisdom! Not anymore!

    Remember this lesson and as tomorrow comes with its challenges and the old feelings… remember this good feeling. Remember it was born out of YOU making things happen and not … things happening to you.

    Wisdom can make things happen!

    anita

    February 11, 2016 at 5:38 pm #95838
    Wisdom
    Participant

    and anita, i really couldn’t of done it without your help and support!

    on next endeavors with power, i’ll definitely be mindful. no need for a big head haha!

    i am actually at a loss for any other questions or concerns tonight. i feel like i broke the wall that was blocking me for so long. and only god knows what’ll happen (or what i’ll have to make happen) next.

    February 11, 2016 at 5:39 pm #95839
    Wisdom
    Participant

    how are your troubles going though anita? i know you said that you were going through some things, but is everything okay?

    February 11, 2016 at 7:34 pm #95856
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear wisdom:

    Thank you for asking. I am fine. I am on my healing path and communicating with you is part of my own healing. The more I learn about you, the more I learn about myself. I was thinking to myself after our last few posts, what I can make happen in my life… if anything at this time. I became more aware of the difference between passively waiting for something to happen and actively making things happen.

    I am so glad you broke the wall, this is a beginning of an active, make things happen state of mind and life. You look clearly at your life as it is and find opportunities in your daily life to assert yourself, to initiate and to make things happen. Nothing is too small of a victory in this regard and everything in this endeavor is good practice.

    I am so excited and cautious. I want you to know that you will feel fear and helplessness again simply because you felt it for so long. These kinds of changes don’t happen one day and last forever. This is a new way of thinking and acting that once launched, today, will take lots of practice. You will need to be patient and gentle with yourself when you don’t feel as good as you did earlier. In those times, remember that this new way, once you work it for a while, will bring you great rewards.

    Till later, take care of yourself and thank you for making my day special!

    anita

    February 11, 2016 at 9:05 pm #95872
    Wisdom
    Participant

    i’m glad to hear that everything’s fine, that’s great! i hope that everything gets better for you real soon! hopefully tomorrow will be a day of good healing for the both of us. and i know it’s a really hard thing to take your own advice, but i really hope you are anita because it’s really helpful!

    i noticed that my feeling of invincibleness has worn off a teeny bit. i am a bit worried about the next time. only cause i’ve went over our conversation and kept seeing what i could’ve said differently or in a better way.

    February 11, 2016 at 9:16 pm #95873
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Wisdom:

    As I wrote to you above, I expected the old fear to come back, sure that it would. This is the nature of the Healing Path as I refer to it; you had a victory today and you felt elated. It is like the sun was shining above and the sky was clear blue and it felt wonderful. Then, naturally, the clouds appear and hide the sun and it gets a bit chilly and uncomfortable and maybe depressing. So you take a break and relax and wait for another day and start your walk again, making something else happen, something small, and you add another victory to your life and your mind.

    Over time, with persistence, gentleness and patience with yourself, the sun comes out more and more often and you find yourself smiling more and more often, more alive, feeling stronger (powerful enough) and … over time, your life changes so much, you won’t believe it!

    But it is a process. So, congratulate yourself for a job well done today and … Tomorrow is another day!

    anita

    February 12, 2016 at 8:01 pm #95928
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Wisdom:

    How are you???

    anita

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