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After 10 years of relationship he’s confused

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  • #355168
    Meera
    Participant

    I have been in relationship with this guy since last 10 years. I was 18 then and he was 19. I am very emotional person and always expected the world to be honest , loving and beautiful. I met this guy and felt that he is a very beautiful person inside. He is very simple with no show off, always happy kind of. But I was basically ambitious,  and I have been an angry bird mostly. He made several complaints of my anger issues. In beginning I ignored because I thought we will adjust slowly and understand each other.

    But year after year I realised that I cannot hurt him always and he will forgive. We had a fight after 4 years of relationship in which I got slaps several times.  I started working on my anger issues, I even went to counsellor. And I think I have controlled my anger to a great level.

    My friends and family believe that I have changed a lot. I also feel the same. He says that I have changed a little bit. And he is not sure about marriage. I have spoken to my parents and they are against it because he is financially not stable and I have a stable job with high perks.

    I love him and I think we will manage and after living with him, my anger will also get reduced as I am always happy when he is around. He asked me for breaking up last year, though he came back after a month. I dont know whether I should try to convince him that we will be fine or should try more hard to control my behaviour.

    #355196
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Meera:

    “I.. always expected the world to be honest, loving and beautiful.. I have been an angry bird mostly. He made several complaints of my anger issues.. year after year I realized that I cannot hurt him always and he will forgive”-

    if you mistreated this man when angry (ex., yelled at him, called him names), you were not at all “honest, loving and beautiful” that you expected the world to be, were you?

    “I started working on my anger issues.. I think I have controlled my anger to a great level.. He says that I have changed a little bit.. after living with him, my anger will also get reduced”-

    – I think that you should make sure that you don’t mistreat him when you feel angry. Make sure that you are able to control your behavior when angry before you live with him (if you do), not after.

    * I didn’t understand this part: “We had a fight after 4 years of relationship in which I got slaps several times”- who slapped who???

    anita

    #355204
    Meera
    Participant

    I got slapped. We had a fight and I pushed it to see how far he can go.

    And yes you are right. When I misbehaved, I myself made his life ugly. I didn’t realised that, so thank you.

    I am already 29 and my parents want me to get married as early as possible. And about resolving my anger issues, I am consulting a counsellor as I have already said. But I am not sure, if it is possible to change yourself completely.

     

    #355208
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Meera:

    You are welcome. “I am not sure, if it is possible to change yourself completely”- I don’t think that it is possible for a person to change oneself completely, but it is possible to completely stop mistreating another person.

    It is possible to feel angry and not act on it. You can’t stop yourself from feeling angry, and when you feel angry, you can’t stop yourself from automatically looking and sounding angry (the muscles automatically tighten so the face looks angry, the voice quality automatically changes), but you can stop right there and not do the following things: yell, call names, humiliate a person, hit a person, break things, etc.).

    In other words: don’t aim at no longer feeling angry, aim at managing your behavioral response to the feeling.

    I wonder where your anger comes from, if it has something to do with how your parents treated you or each other.

    anita

     

    #355210
    Meera
    Participant

    Its a forum so I can be truthful. Yes my parents have issues. Actually my father is an abusive person. I have always seen my mother silently being beaten up. He is not alcoholic but he has that manly nature, where he likes to control others. I have always seen fight while growing up. It still goes on at my home.

    #355212
    Meera
    Participant

    Thank you so much Anita, I will take your advice and update if some progress happens. ?

    #355216
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Meera:

    “Its a forum so I can be truthful”- there is a saying: the truth shall set you free, so better be truthful here, there is no downside to being truthful in an anonymous website if you are communicating with a person who will not turn your truth against you (I will not do that!)

    “my father is an abusive person. I have always seen my mother silently being beaten up.. I have always seen (them) fight while gr0wing up. It still goes on at my home”- this explains to me why you are angry, what is fueling your anger. I imagine you feel empathy for your mother, angry at your father for mistreating your mother, and maybe you feel angry at your mother for not standing up to him and making him stop.

    Maybe you figured that you don’t want to be like your mother, be a victim, a weak person, so you chose to be like your father. Not that you made those choices with much thinking. These choices are more instinctive.

    Please do update me at any time, and feel free to keep the conversation going with me.

    anita

     

     

    #355218
    Meera
    Participant

    I dont want to be like my father. I want to be like mother, who cares for everyone, values family, keeps the whole family together. But yes, I want to be a person who doesn’t tolerate torture. I want to take stand for myself. But maybe yes, I have become like father, hurting people to take revenge. But I hate this about being like this.

    What can I do to avoid this, my reaction is so involuntary that I dont get time to think before I react.

    #355230
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Meera:

    “my reaction is so involuntary that I don’t get time to think before I react”- it takes skill and practice to put time in between the anger and the behavior. There are skills called emotional regulation skills which are about lessening the intensity of emotions like anger, so that a person is not overwhelmed and  able to make sensible choices (ex: take a time out from the person you are angry at, taking a walk outside so to relax), instead of impulsive choices (ex: stay where you are and yell at the person you are angry at).

    Guided meditations with the theme of mindfulness are helpful in teaching these emotional regulation skills, as well as mindfulness exercises (I didn’t investigate the website, but noticed that www. headspace. com provided guided meditations and mindfulness exercises). One guided meditation that comes to mind is one you can download: “The Mountain Meditation“.

    One other thing is that you will need to improve your Assertiveness Skills and be effectively assertive with people. You need to avoid being passive (like your mother), and aggressive (like your father), and instead of these two unhealthy behaviors, be assertive.

    One more thing: I don’t know if you can do any of this while living with your parents and continuing to witness the same old same old dynamic between the two of them. You will need to live away from them.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by anita.
    #355272
    Ravi
    Participant

    Hi Meera,

    What can I do to avoid this, my reaction is so involuntary that I dont get time to think before I react.

    Yes this happens for a lot of people. It is due to the old conditioned mind to act out in the way it is used for some many years (or lives if you believe in past lives).

    So then what can you do to break the pattern? Mindfulness is the best option for you. At the beginning try being mindful about very simple actions in your day to day life. Right after getting up in the morning start your mindfulness practice. On the bed after you open your eyes watch your foot going from the bed to the floor. Then watch your other foot. Then watch your steps. Each step walking towards the washroom. Watch your hand reaching the toothbrush. Feel the toothbrush touching your hand. Watch your other hand reaching the tap to open it. Feel the bristles while making it wet. Feel the water touching your hand. Watch your hand along with the toothbrush reaching your mouth. Feel the toothbrush touching your mouth. Do everything in slow motion like an action replay of any sport on television. Whenever possible practice this for the other activities in the day.

    When you are able to do this for simple routine activities like these then you will be able to apply the same technique for emotional or anger, or behavioral issues too. And finally you will be able to live in moment-to-moment awareness of everything happening around you and inside you – which is the secret of all life.

     

     

    #355304
    Meera
    Participant

    I will try to practice for few days and let you know if it changes something. Right now I am staying with my parents and dont know how much I can practice to be mindful.

    #355330
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Meera:

    See if you can do just this one thing while living with your parents: listen to the Mountain Meditation I suggested, download it and listen to it, get a feel for it. And post again anytime.

    anita

    #355338
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Meera,

    As for the guy (not to change the subject), tell him that you are 29 and your parents are basically setting you up with quality professional men looking for marriage. That this isn’t an ultimatum, but since he is unsure about marriage, you have to move on with your life. This will either give him the ultimate kick in the pants or he will gracefully (or not) bow out of your life.

    Best,

    Inky

    #355352
    Meera
    Participant

    I dont think thats gonna work. It is not about him earning more or less. Those things can be taken care of later. First thing that is important is to love each other and respect each other which I think is very important for a sustainable relationship. I need to sort out my part, and he will sort out his part.

    And about giving him ultimatum, he knows that my parents are pressurising me.

    #355464
    Ravi
    Participant

    Hi Meera,

    Congratulations on even thinking to do the technique. Since life is in moments – one by one – Mindfulness is not only to be done during one activity (eg brushing), but for every single activity throughout the day. It won’t matter whether you are at your parents place or workplace or anywhere else. It has to be done every time. Hence it is said to make daily life itself your meditation practice.

    So even there is something called as ‘mindful listening’ and ‘mindful talking’ which you can think of doing while at your parents place.

    tc.

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