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Dear Anita, thank you for your reply.
“You shared that at 23, you had your first boyfriend (22): he pursued you and told you that “he didn’t want anything serious”. You fell in love with him, perceived him as your soulmate, wanted something serious, and waited 7 years for him to change his mind. After 7 years of waiting, he broke up with you.” – I think that I perceived him like that because he was my first boyfriend. Also, I’m aware my parents didn’t agree and they divorced when I was 20, and I’m aware that I wanted a boyfriend in my life for a long time, as a kind of a “savior”. I know now that I have to “save” myself, I don’t have to look for that in other people.
“If I understand correctly, you acted distant from him, and you complained to him that he is too silent, that he should talk more, tell you what bothers him. In the last two months his “nice and patient and kind” behavior toward you changed, and he was at times quickly angered at you. He finally broke up with you, and somehow suggested to you that it was your fault that the relationship ended.” – I did change, I think that was inevitable, because of stress at work and when the initial phase of falling in love, infatuation, changed for me. However, I still cared for him a lot, and I did put him first, I never went with my friends instead of him (as he did in the end for me). I still helped him with his exams. But I couldn’t avoid that he doesn’t feel the change at all (even though I tried, a lot). And I did not complain all the time, however I noticed he doesn’t tell me and can’t communicate when he doesn’t like my behaviour. I told him, when he did that , that I wanted him to trust him and tell him, that I think that’s important for realtionship. He told me that he’s not like that and can’t do it. At the end, I realized he blamed me for a lot of stuff (some of I was guilty of but as he had not told me, I even did not have an opportunity to say I’m sorry and try to change that, and also some that I couldn’t even known because I couldn’t read his mind and know what he wants if he doesn’t tell me).
“I would love to get advice on how to break my pattern”- by pattern, you mean that you “tend to cling a bit more when a guy grows distant or cold”- – that was what happened in your first relationship. In the third, you grew distant and cold, not the guy, and in the second relationship (which you called a fling), did you cling to him? Can you better describe to me what you mean by clinging (what behaviors are clnging behaviors), and otherwise define for me what you mean by your pattern in relationships?”
my pattern as I see it:
– I chose partners that were not emotionally mature, and were not ready for next steps in relationship (meeting parents, living together), they wanted just to go out and hang out – especially my longer relationships. The last boyfriend was young, and he wanted to finish college and go out until late. First problems arose after our initial period, where my work problems and stress started, and I started to be sleepy and tired during weekend. We went on dates, and he wanted to stay in the car and be intimate after midnight , I needed a sleep and rest. He even had an appartment, but he never proposed we go there even, maybe sleep together and be intimate in the morning – he would left me home and hang out with friend. When I asked if we could go there sometimes, he said he is afraid we would stop going out and just be in apartment. I wanted both, I wanted to go out with him and wake up near him. I realized I wanted more serious relationship but he was not ready for it.
– All my relationships ended with my partners going distant and breaking up with me. Even before last relationship and now again, I feel hurt and rejected. With my last partner, I really did my best at the end, I helped him with college a lot, I gave him my laptop so he can go in the apartment and prepare in quiet, and I even went there and supported him during most of his online exams, I made that a priority. And he lately tried much more and spent much more time with his best friend than with me. Last 2 months I felt like he was bored with me and that really hurt.
– I also realized I tend to try more when I feel my partner is getting distant. Like it’s a trigger for me. I start getting anxious if he doesn’t reply on my messages, I don’t feel like going out with my friends, I just want to get it to work, if I care for him. Of course, I also try to talk with them and ask what is happening, and tell them that I want more attention than they give me at that time. Maybe I should gave him space – but I don’t want to be in a relationship when my partner wants spends more time with his friend than with me. So I tried to talk it out, be there for him, help him with his exams (i thought his exams were bothering him), but nothing I did at that time could make it work.
(Also, I don’t think I was too needy or clingy with 2nd boyfriend – fling, before the break up. I did ask him to be together after, but I don’t think I did anything wrong before that. It may be that he just realized I’m not right one for him -and I think he is right.)
Rose of Yellow, thank you very much for your reply and advices.
Sadly, I really suck at writing, and I hate it… I do try to read books about mindfulness, and try to practice that. Also, a few times lately when I practiced that some reasons for my problems and answers about my last relationship just “came” to me, so it helps. When I had a kind of panic attack, I tried to just sit and look at it, like I’m observer, and some answers just came to me ( I remembered times in my past and childhood when I feel that pain came from).Also last time when I was in pain I read this page and others books about meditation and mindfulness (I’m a big fan of Osho), but when problems stop and when I found my last boyfriend I stopped – now I plan to practice that even when I’m better and happy. Because I realized many traps of our mind rise again when the initial infatuation period stops and other problems (work, stress, family problems) arise.
“Does it feel like the guy is abandoning you and this triggers some kind of panic or anxiety so you long to get him back?” – I think in some ways it does.
“Does it feel like you are not important or valuable if you don’t have a man in your life?” – I felt that for years, and even before last relationship. Maybe not that I’m not valuable, but that I can’t be happy, or complete without that. I also thought partner is the most important part of life and I can’t be happy without him, and that if I have a partner everything will be ok. I realized with my last relationship I was wrong – even when he was lovable, and I was in love, it wasn’t perfect – first, because of my fear of being hurt again, then because problems with stress because of work and loss of my family member. And that affected the relationship too.
Sadly, I did told him I was hurt before, and he did promise not to hurt me , and I trusted him.. and now it happened again.
Do you need approval from others to feel okay about yourself and when the man starts to disengage from you, do you think this means you aren’t okay? – Yes, I recognize that too.
Now I have better and worse days.. I really try not to let my mind wonder, and just be in the moment but it’s hard sometimes.
There are some days when I feel just fine, but I also have a problem that I can’t sleep much and I wake up every every day at 4:30 am with a pain in my chest. First days I couldn’t feel asleep again, now I can – that’s progress I guess.
I do want to have a partner in life, but this time I really want to feel happy and carefree again first, and not to wake up at 4:30 am every day (this was happening to me after last break up too, and I even had sleep problems at the beginning of new relationship because of my fear of being hurt again).“He even had an appartment, but he never proposed we go there even, maybe sleep together and be intimate in the morning – he would left me home and hang out with friend. When I asked if we could go there sometimes, he said he is afraid we would stop going out and just be in apartment.” – I realized I may have not clarified enough – he lives with his family still, but his family – his parents bought an apartment last year, that they are renting for tourists during summer. He doesn’t live there, but he and his sister can use it when they are not renting it. I also live with my family now.
Thank you anita. I see your reasoning.
I have to clafiry… at first we both lived with our families and neither of us had an apartment available. We used to go on dates, and stay intimate in the car, as the only place available at the time. After some time, I started being sleepy and tired even on weekdays (I had also some medical problems, evelated TSH, because of work stress, I think). At first he didn’t have apartment, and we still went on dates, but I was too tired to stay even on Saturday after midnight and didn’t feel like doing it that late in the car – I also lost interest in being intimate at that time, I’m not sure exactly why. I saw that he was really sad, but never said he blamed me, and I told him it’s not his fault. This started late spring last year. At the beginning of that year his family bought the apartment and they were decorating it during spring and renting it at summer, so it was free in autumn but it still took him months even to invite me to stay with him there for a night.
During that time he still acted like he is in love, and he said he understands me. We saw each other a lot, planned trips, he was still really gentle when we were together, he wrote messages, he acted he cared for me and loved me. During autumn, because I was unhappy with my job, I wanted to try to go to another college, and he was there for me and supported me, even when I changed my mind a few times and eventually dropped it. It was then when I felt I lost interest in him a bit, and there were times I put my wishes first, and didn’t think of him.. I guess I did take him a bit for granted. When I realized that I care for him at the beginning of this year, I feel it was too late. I also started the future talk in a period when things started going bad, and he grow colder, and then he just went further away.
He also said at the end he blames me because I started the “future talk ” a week before his birthday in april, and he said that was a “great” gift for him. And I haven’t even asked him to live together like tomorrow, I also wanted him to finish college – I just asked him if he thinks about our age difference, and how to get it work with us – we both want having family and children someday and I’m 33 so I don’t have that many years to do that as he has. But for him there was never a good time to talk about our problems (he didn’t want to talk on the phone, on public, before birthday, before trips… those last months I could never get him to talk, he always had an excuse, and when we did talk and I asked what he wants me to change, he didnt know).
I personally think he is young and immature, I think he is a good person, but he probably wanted a girlfriend that will go out later with him and stay longer at night, instead of being home on the couch… He wanted to go on trips, to stay out late with me… . I wanted a relationship that will evolve, while he probably first wants to end college, and doesn’t feel ready to plan or evolve relationship soon.
However, a small doubt sometimes evolves if me – maybe I took him for granted too much last year, maybe I lost interest and changed and didn’t care enough for his needs and wishes. I was for months in problems with work and tried to deal with that, and put my needs first. We had such amazing time and connection, during first year, whenever we went, nothing mattered, just us, and were both longing to make each other happy, and I feel like I changed that first and he still tried more than me. Maybe that was only infatuation, but it was so strong, I feel like I’ve fallen out of heavens.
Dear Rhaenys:
You are welcome. I am glad you are planning on attending counseling and hope you will find a quality counselor, someone who will listen to you intently and respectfully, someone who will be empathetic to you, someone who will make it possible for you to have more insight into your childhood and how your childhood affected your mind and life, including your relationships with men.
Anytime you want to post on your thread here, or start a new thread on any topic, you are welcome to do so, and I will be glad to read from you and reply.
anita
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This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by .
So… I’ve been thinking about my behaviour and relationships and what it my relationship triggers problems in my relationship. Also, not just thinking, but I’ve been practicing mindfulness after having some depresing and anxiety moments lately, and I’ve come up with some things…
I don’t think that my parents were not good to me, or they didn’t give me enough love. But it was clear from early on to me that my parents’ marriage is not perfect. They were fighting, it’s hard to remember now how often, but even when they were not, I guess I felt it’s not working. I remember a feeling that when our family was together, just the 4 of us (my dad, mom, brother and me), somehow it was not enough. I think that was because their relationship didn’t work. I wanted, when we went to trips, vacations or Christmas dinners, that someone was with us. Because if someone was with us (mostly another family), that feeling that somehow our family isn’t enough, that something missed, went away. Or maybe that just helped me to ignore it better.
When I was 20 they divorced. I didn’t see that coming mostly because I expected it much earlier, so when it didn’t happen earlier, I thought they will stay together. It was really hard, they didn’t get along, there were some nasty fights, not just between them but between my brother and me, and us with them. I guess I blamed my dad a lot, because I felt, even as younger that he didn’t try enough. My mom was home, she did almost all of the housework and was always there for us, and my dad was often away, even more in the end. We also had some fights after divorce, he soon found a new woman and tried to get me to know her and hang with her and her family and I didn’t want to. A few times he also tricked me, we decided to meet, and he would bring them without telling me. We are okay now, because I want to have relationship with him as he is my dad, but I still don’t like how he behave.
After divorce, my dad parents, who I was really close with, got sick and died in a few years and that was a hard time for me. I was in college, first my grades dropped and I was also an introvert, however I started getting more friends and going out and even got better grades again during the final years.
Until last year of college, I had a a lot of crushes in my life, but never mutual. I was also an introvert, I didn’t care much about my clothes or make up, and this changed during my 20s.
I guess that during those hardest times, as I didn’t have a family, and even didn’t have someone to really confess to (because the problems were in my family, and it was too personal to say to friends, also I didn’t want a therapist because of my prejudice that this would mean something is wrong with me or I’m sick), I wanted a boyfriend to save me. And at final year of college I found a boyfriend, and at first, I finally had that someone.
I now see that in my relationships, I was pursued by boys, and they were at first good to me (as Anita says, maybe because they had to be nice to me if they wanted me as girlfriend). And I liked that. I think in my 2 longer relationship, I also lost infuatuation, but I liked being with them even after that because they were good to me (and they really were both, at least in the first year-two, during their infatuation phase). And I think I did care a lot for them, even after my infatuation stopped.
But my problem is, as I see it, when they stopped being good to me, or good enough, instead of leaving, I try to do everything to get them back. Now with my 7 year relationship I waited too long, last time, it finished earlier (that phase lasted a few months). He did broke with me, but I was on verge of breaking up too, a thought of that for a time. I guess I did maybe just learn something.
I also realized that by doing that – trying to do everything to get them back , I stop myself from getting something better. Because in 7 year relationship, I wasn’t happy for a long time. I wanted someone to wake up with, to be with me, to be mutual support and spend time together, but as it was long distance (except 1 year), I was actually alone most of the time. My behaviour deprived me of getting things I wanted instead of getting a chance to have them with someone else. Because I was afraid of breaking up and being alone, and afraid if I can fall in love again and find someone again. And when we broke up after 7 years, when I was 30…
Now I do feel a bit scared, as I’m 33, will I be able to have a relationship and a family later (is it too late and are all the good guys taken?). I’m aware I have to see if a guy is mature, and if we want the same things. But first have some time alone. All my life, I didn’t have many health, school or work problems, I do have a support in my family and friends (even in my dad – we talk a lot, even if he sometimes doesn’t understand me or I him. I think I’m accepting that now finally). I do have a lots of interest and mostly (excpet now in covid times), I don’t have problems with going out, meeting new people, I’m also satisfied with my looks and guys do notice me. I changed a lot, from big introvert and really shy girl in my teens.
I guess I only have problems with thing that I obsess over the most – having a partner, and now in my 30s, a family too. As I’m reading about mindfulness, meditation, spirituality already about 5 years, I guess I must find that someting I’m missing (that something since I was a child who felt something was missing when I was with my family) in me first. I’m welcome to advices on how to overcome that. And I think I have to appreciate what I have more, and be grateful for that (family, friends, my cats, health, work,) instead of clinging to someone who is not good for me.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by
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