Dear Beni:

Yes, let’s set sails for 2025!

Ever since I read your first post (on June 18, 2023, in your 1st of 3 threads), I found you interesting and difficult (for me) to understand. I want to try to understand you better today. If I understand you better, I get to understand myself better because we are two human beings and therefore, we have a whole lot in common. With better understanding, it’s likely to be a better sailing for 2025..

I hope that you don’t mind the length (or content) of this post (?) You are welcome to choose to read it or not, and if you proceed to read, you can stop reading at any time, and you are welcome to respond, or to not respond to the following.

I will start with what you shared yesterday: “I feel a bit shy to be more active here. It seems I can be active here being more or less authentic. I think it’s difficult for me to help cause I try to help and that confuses me. Somehow it does not feel right. I tell myself that I use you all. And maybe sometimes I seek affirmation or try to impress and also it’s not my true intention. It’s difficult to accept that.”-

– As I understand it, you expressed a level of self-consciousness, fear of judgment, and an internal conflict about being true to yourself while participating in the forums. You find it difficult to help others because your motivations are not entirely clear to you, leading to confusion and discomfort.

You acknowledged that sometimes you seek affirmation or try to impress others. and that trying to impress others is a true intention, stemming from a sense of neediness. This reveals a vulnerability and a desire for acceptance and validation from others. You feel conflicted about your desire for affirmation and the authenticity of your actions.

Your self-awareness and honesty are admirable, Beni. It takes courage to reflect on these motivations and acknowledge them.

It’s important to remember that seeking acceptance and validation is a natural and universal human experience. At the core of our social nature as humans, we have a fundamental need to connect with others. This connection often involves seeking acceptance and validation from those around us— whether it’s family, friends, colleagues, or even strangers.

According to psychologist Abraham Maslow, humans have a hierarchy of needs, and after our basic physiological and safety needs are met, we seek love, belonging, and esteem. Validation from others helps fulfill these social and esteem needs.

Seeking and receiving validation strengthens our social bonds. It fosters a sense of community and belonging, as we feel understood and supported by those around us. In times of uncertainty or stress, validation from others provides emotional support. It helps us navigate challenges and reinforces that we are not alone in our experiences.

While seeking validation from others is a natural part of the human experience, it’s also important to develop self-validation. This means recognizing and affirming our own worth and accomplishments without relying solely on external feedback. Balancing both forms of validation leads to a healthier sense of self and more resilient self-esteem.

In essence, seeking acceptance and validation is a universal aspect of being human. It contributes to our emotional well-being, self-esteem, and sense of connection with others. Acknowledging this need and striving for a balance between external and self-validation leads to a more fulfilling and confident life.

Being authentic involves transparent communication, that is, expressing one’s thoughts and feelings without pretense, disguise or deceit. It involves aligning your behavior with your true values rather than conforming to external expectations or trying to please others. It takes self awareness, that is, understanding and acknowledging your true self, including your strengths, weaknesses, values, and emotions.

Authenticity means not hiding behind a facade and allowing others to see the real you.

Being authentic is about maintaining consistency between your inner values and your outward actions. This means that your behavior reflects your true values, even when it’s challenging. Authenticity includes integrity, that is, upholding your values and principles, even in the face of adversity or pressure. Authenticity requires staying true to your moral compass and not compromising your beliefs for convenience or approval.

Being authentic boosts self-confidence, as you feel more comfortable and secure in your own skin. It reduces the anxiety and stress that come with trying to be someone you’re not.

Living authentically leads to greater personal fulfillment and satisfaction, as you’re able to pursue your true passions and goals without fear of judgment or rejection. It promotes emotional well-being, as it allows you to process and express your true emotions. It reduces the emotional toll of hiding your true self and fosters a healthier mental state.

On July 1, 2024, in your first thread, you shared: “What I wanna say is that some parents do not take there kid’s experience serious. They say it’s being manipulative. They do not understand that the child may feel very very different about this and that it feels real to the child. It’s an ignorant perspective. So sometimes I see my inner child out of that perspective.”-

-Here you expressed frustration that some parents do not take their children’s experiences seriously and often label their children’s emotions or actions as manipulative. This dismissal indicates a lack of empathy and understanding of the child’s perspective. You highlight that children’s feelings are real and impactful to them, even if parents perceive them differently. This parental perspective undermines the child’s emotional needs and leads to feelings of invalidation. You acknowledged that sometimes you view your inner child through the same dismissive lens that you criticize in parents. This means that you occasionally downplays or invalidates your own emotions and experiences.

This internal conflict suggests an ongoing struggle with self-acceptance and recognizing the validity of your own feelings.

In general, parents invalidate their children’s emotions in a variety of ways, a few are:

1) Dismissal: Example: A child says, “I’m scared of the dark,” and the parent responds, “There’s nothing to be scared of. Just go to bed.”

2) Minimizing: Example: A child expresses sadness about a friend moving away, and therent says, “It’s not a big deal. You’ll make new friends.”

3) Criticizing: Example: A child is upset after losing a game, and the parent says, “Stop being a sore loser. It’s just a game.”

4) Blaming: Example: A child says they are hurt by something a sibling said, and the parent responds, “Well, you probably deserved it. You shouldn’t have provoked them.”

5) Ignoring: Example: A child is crying and the parent pretends not to notice or says nothing about it.

6) Overriding: Example: A child is excited about a project, and the parent dismissively says, “That’s nice, but let’s focus on something more important.”

7) Labeling: Example: A child shows anger, and the parent labels them as “dramatic” or “overly emotional.”

When parents routinely invalidate their children’s emotions, it leads to long-term emotional consequences. Children learn to suppress their feelings, struggle with self-worth, and have difficulty trusting their own emotions. It’s important for parents to validate their children’s emotions by listening, empathizing, and acknowledging their feelings as real and important.

I would say, Beni, that you and I do indeed have a lot in common: I too grew up in a very emotionally invalidating home, so much so, that I often refer to myself not growing up, but growing-in (emotions supprssed, turned inward), and I don’t feel that the word “home” applies to where I grew in.. because it was not a safe place, an emotionally-safe place that is (which is what a “home” is supposed to be).

I was severely and regularly invalidated. The emotional Consequences to me: Low Self-Esteem (a poor self-image and lack of confidence in my worth and abilities), Emotional Suppression (leading to difficulty in expressing emotions and a disconnect from my own emotional experiences: dissociation, numbing, being spacey/ not present), Chronic Anxiety and Depression (feeling isolated, misunderstood, and unable to trust my own emotions), Difficulty Identifying Emotions (an inability to recognize, label and therefore, manage my own emotions, resulting in confusion).

Social consequences: Relationship Issues (severe difficulties with trust, communication, and emotional intimacy), Attachment Problems (avoiding close relationships to protect myself from further hurt), Poor Boundaries (becoming overly accommodating to please others or becoming overly rigid to protect myself).

Cognitive Consequences: Negative Thought Patterns (such as self-doubt and negative self-talk), Impaired Problem-Solving Skills and Decision-Making (because of not trusting my own judgment and emotions as valuable tools in these processes).

I will close this post with: let’s indeed set sails for 2025: let’s prepare for and embark on the journey into 2025 with a positive mindset and a sense of adventure, moving further into self-acceptance, validation, and connection both within and without!

anita

Dear Beni: I am sorry that you lost your post. What I do every time before I click “submit” is to copy my post, so that if it fails to submit, I can re-submit my copy. Looking forward to reading from you later!

anita

* Dear T:

Thank you for sharing something so personal. I’m truly sorry to hear about the abuse you’re experiencing.

It’s important for people to stand against psychological harassment and support one another. Please know that there are resources and people who care about your well-being. Stay strong, and don’t hesitate to seek help from trusted individuals or organizations.

You are welcome to start your own thread (go to FORUMS at the top of the home page) and share your story. I would like to read and reply to you empathetcally and respectfully.

anita

Dear Beni:

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I’m glad that my analysis resonated with you and helped validate your experiences. It’s indeed a complex and challenging journey to navigate the effects of enmeshment and find one’s true self.

It’s understandable to feel a mix of sadness, freedom, and even questioning the worth of living when uncovering such deep-rooted issues. The grieving process is a significant part of healing, allowing us to acknowledge the pain and begin to move forward.

“What I’ve been exploring lately is how I choose to create drama. Because It’s what I’ve always done. I don’t know how to be any other way”- creating drama is often a coping mechanism and a learned behavior that once served a purpose:

When a person has grown up in an environment characterized by stress and chaos (drama), these conditions become the person’s “normal.” Even though these conditions are unpleasant, they are familiar. As adults, we might unconsciously seek out or create similar high-stress situations because it feels familiar and comfortable compared to the unknown. Familiar stress can feel safer than the unpredictability of peace and calm.

Also, drama provides a form of emotional and psychological stimulation. It can break the monotony of daily life, making the individual feel more alive and engaged.

It could also be a means to connect with others, as the chaos and drama might elicit responses and interactions from those around us.

In environments where people feel overlooked or insignificant, drama ensures they become the center of focus. Creating drama can also serve to influence how others react or behave. This influence can provide a sense of power and control.

In summary, creating drama as a coping mechanism is a learned behavior that once served a vital purpose in navigating chaotic or intense environments. By understanding and addressing the underlying needs, individuals can find healthier ways to feel alive, connected, and in control.

Recognizing that this behavior is a coping mechanism and understanding its origins is the first step towards change. Viewing the behavior with compassion rather than judgment helps in acknowledging that it served a purpose at one point.

I think that I do understand you. To understand more, I ask: can you elaborate on “Maybe I’m afraid of punishment. Or I can not forgive myself”?

I’m here to support you as you continue to explore and grow. You’re not alone in this, and every step you take toward understanding and healing is significant.

Take care and be gentle with yourself.

anita

Dear Beni:

You are always welcome!

“My mom would always make a tantrum about the kitchen it’s a public place she likes to control. Maybe that is what my resentment is about that I did/do not understand that”- her intense emotions and controlling behaviors took you away from you, did she?

I mean, a boy (or girl) needs space to be.

I am reminded of Shakespeare’s question: “To be or not to be, this is the question”.

An intense (too intense) mother who demands control, steals the authentic part of her child, and without this part, there is a disconnection within the child, a disturbing and persistent sense of alienation.

“I see the people around me as oppressive enemies who have no interest in understanding what I need and even would punish me if I would show myself vulnerable”- as I understand it, you see others the way you correctly see your mother: primarily, an oppressive enemy with no interest in understanding what you need, a woman who punished the authentic part of you.

“That’s why I want to feel alienated, angry and sad to let them know how horribly they mistreat me. By changing my behaviour I would communicate the oppressor that it works to disrespect my dignity and I’d rather die than to admit their power over me.”-

– I suppose you are holding on to the feelings of alienation, anger and sadness because these valid feeling (valid because they are natural emotional responses to your mother’s behaviors) are the calls or cries of your hidden/ oppressed authentic self within. By changing these feelings, and/ or the expressions of these feelings, you’d be silencing the authentic self/ authentic child within, and admitting defeat.

Am I understanding correctly?

Oppression in genera leads to a wide range of emotional reactions, including anger, fear, sadness, resentment, alienation, frustration, shame, and defiance. When the oppressor is one’s mother, these emotional reactions are even more intense and complex due to the unique nature of the parent-child relationship:

In general, children of significantly or severely oppressive mothers- mothers who are sole or primary caretaker, and with little or no support by others- feel a mix of love and resentment towards the oppressive mother. The conflicting emotions create confusion and ambivalence. There’s a struggle between loyalty to the mother and anger towards her.

The children internalize the oppression, believing they are at fault or deserving of the treatment, feeling ashamed of their situation and their inability to change it.

They fear punishment or further oppression if they resist or speak out. They feel emotionally disconnected from the mother and from others as well, experiencing social isolation as a result. They feel trapped in the oppressive environment with no way to escape or change the situation.

General coping mechanisms: a mix of complying with the mother’s demands to avoid conflict and punishment, suppressing one’s true feelings and needs to maintain peace, actively resisting the mother’s control and asserting one’s autonomy, and engaging in defiant behavior as a way to reclaim power and control.

Long-term impact, generally: struggling to trust others due to the betrayal and control experienced from the mother, fear of being vulnerable and open with others, difficulty forming healthy attachments and relationships, reenacting similar dynamics in other relationships (example: a man marrying a controlling woman, one similar to his mother, and actively and continuously seeking her approval), anxiety, depression, and ongoing struggles with self-esteem and self-worth.

What I stated above in general terms has been true to me personally. My mother was my sole caretaker, there was no one but her in my life as a child (no other influence, at least non that was significant). She was extremely controlling and expressed her very intense emotions through protracted sessions of histrionics and drama. As a result, the authentic part of me went into hiding. Alienation and social isolation was the theme of my life. And yet, my authentic self, hidden and oppressed, never stopped trying to break into the surface and take its rightful space- space to be and to become.

is this your struggle too, Beni?

anita