All my relationships have been toxic

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This topic has 31 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.

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October 7, 2018 at 8:37 am #229469

Amma
Participant

Hi,

This is my first time posting, I just joined The Forums.

It would take me a very long time to talk about all of my relationships, I’ve been in many and they were ALL toxic. I got married in 2012, I only knew him for 3 months, I am very impulsive.

He was wonderful at first, I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, I chose to ignore it because I wanted to believe for once in my life someone could love me .

After we got married in 2012, it was hell, immediately. He was a sociopath, pathological liar, and physically and emotionally abusive.

I am a recovering addict, at first he was understanding. That lasted for about a month. He would accuse me of things that didn’t make sense. Here’s just one example, I was shopping at Costco. He thought I was buying drugs so he asked me to put the cashier on the phone. There are so many more situations worse than that.

We had a huge snowstorm in January of 2014, for no apparent reason he pulled me off of the couch, took my glasses off my face and locked me out with the clothes on my back.

Here’s where everyone is going to think I’m crazy. I went back to him 2 weeks after the incident. We went to counseling. We had a good month, until July 4th,2014.

He got physical with me and threw me onto the bathroom tile floor. I could hardly walk for 3 days.

Whenever I would try to leave him, he would barricade the door, he was a big guy.

I forgot to mention that after we got married I found out that his mother had been supporting him for years. At the time he was 45! When we got married she cut him off, I thought it was because of me. I ended up getting along really well with his mother and I understand why she cut him off.

If he can’t support himself, how can he support a wife?

I left him July of 2014. I haven’t been on one date since I’ve been divorced, I do not handle rejection well, a symptom of my psychiatrist DX. Plus, I’m scared.

To this day, he prank calls me, sends magazines in the mail. I’ve made police reports. All they suggest is a PPO. He told me that a piece of paper can’t stop a bullet.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so, are you in a good relationship, or had any good relationships?

Thanks for reading

October 7, 2018 at 9:01 am #229535

Inky
Participant

Hi Amma,

I’m so sorry you went through this. The world is full of people with problems. None of us are perfect, but expecting someone not to be a sociopathic controlling abuser isn’t too much to ask.

The prank calls? The magazines? The veiled threats? Those are all just childish reactions from a man-child towards someone who dared to leave him and is doing quite fine without him. Don’t worry. He’ll move onto his next victim one day. But be warned. You are in the back of his mind when he’s outraged or bored. Any way to move and keep it a secret for a year or two of peace? (I know it won’t be a secret for long.)

What helped me with my stalker was the presence of another man. Have a friend or male cousin scare the crap out of him.

Now that you know what you won’t accept, there is now more room for what is acceptable. Don’t back down, and never compromise. It’s better to be alone than go through that again.

Best,

Inky

October 7, 2018 at 11:45 am #229571

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Amma:

You asked if anyone has been in a similar situation. Part of the situation you described is that you didn’t date sine your divorce, more than four years ago. You suggested the reason to be, “I do not handle rejection well, a symptom of my psychiatrist DX. Plus, I’m scared”-

Trying to understand your situation better, I ask: what you mean by “my psychiatrist DX”, and what are you are scared of?

anita

October 7, 2018 at 12:07 pm #229575

Amma
Participant

Hi Anita,

I have BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, which has caused to make irrational and impulsive behavior. I’ve walked out on all of more relationships with men and left my family to pick up the pieces.

There are so many consequences that I bought on myself. In all of my relationships, I expect men to leave me, so I leave them before they leave me.

Anyway, it would take me forever to explain the difficulties I brought an myself.

Therefore, I have attempted to take my life quite a few times, because I have such low self esteem.

I don’t/scared to be abandoned or emotionally abused. I can’t take a chance of going on a date etc. knowing that I will be rejected.

October 7, 2018 at 12:21 pm #229579

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Amma:

I understand your situation a little better.

“Has anyone been in a similar situation?”- yes, I too was diagnosed with BPD later in life, fit the diagnosis though since my very early twenties.

“If so, are you in a good relationship..?”- yes.

I read that a personality disorder lasts a lifetime and so forth. To my surprise, it has not. After three and a halves decades of fitting very well into the BPD diagnosis, I no longer do. What a surprise it still is, for me. I am able and am having a healthy relationship for years at this point.

My healing process started in 2011 with my first quality psychotherapy of over two years and continued on my own since, still ongoing. I shared quite a bit about it in my many postings here through the years. As a matter of fact, my very participation here is part of my healing process. If you would like to continue to communicate with me here on your thread, I will be glad to share more with you over time.

I will soon be away from the computer for about sixteen hours.

anita

October 8, 2018 at 2:50 pm #229839

Amma
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for understanding BPD. Right now, I am feeling sorry for myself today. My father passed away in 2016, I always wish that God, I’m Catholic, which doesn’t matter.

Truth be told, I am so LONELY and empty. I hate this.

Thats all I can talk about today, Hopefully, I will hear from you again, if I don’t, I understand.

October 9, 2018 at 2:09 am #229893
HoneyBlossom
Participant
Dear Amma,

I have a friend I have known for many years who lives a happy and quiet life. She was diagnosed with BPD in her 20s. She is now in her 60s.

She used to cut herself badly, had alcohol and drug problems. Her substance abuse took her to some very dark places, and she experienced extreme violence.

She has been free of all of that for over 30 years. I know she developed a very trusting professional delationship with a psychiatrist who was able to give her insight and support she needed. She gave up the alcohol and drugs. She has grownup children and grandchildren who she is very close to, and a good circle of friends.

It is all possible for you X
- This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by HoneyBlossom.
October 9, 2018 at 4:27 am #229913

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Amma:

“I always wish that God.. which doesn’t matter”- tell me, what is it that you always wish?

“I am so LONELY and empty”. It is a reactivation of the early life experience, that of a child left alone with her fears and sadness, worries. No one to comfort her, to hold her, to calm her distress.

“I am very impulsive”, you wrote earlier. I know very-impulsive, hurrying into anything that will interfere with that lonely and empty experience. Anything seems better, doesn’t it?

“He was wonderful at first”- I used to see a man as wonderful simply because I needed a wonderful person in my life, so I made believe. Just like you, “I wanted to believe for once in my life someone could love me”.

The fear of rejection, abandonment, even in your post to me you fear abandonment: “Hopefully, I will hear from you again, if I don’t, I understand”.

If you feel like it, when you do, if you do, share more with me, will you?

anita

October 9, 2018 at 4:25 pm #230055

Amma
Participant

Hi,

You just described me! I am also lonely and empty. A bottomless pit that can only be filled with self destructive behavior. I enjoyed your post. I would love to talk to you again.

Right now I am on my way to class, Abnormal Psychology. I’m the poster child. Let’s write to each other later. If I am unable to respond tonight, I will definitely talk with you tomorrow.

AmmA

October 10, 2018 at 8:00 am #230161

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Amma:

I will communicate with you for as long as you would like. I too read a lot about Abnormal Psychology, believing myself that I was indeed abnormal. I used to see everyone (almost everyone) as normal while I was the exception.

I know that bottomless pit. It is a scary experience to fall into that bottomless pit. A huge and necessary part of healing has been the gradual building of trust in myself that I can stop the fall, hold on to something and find my way up, as difficult as it may be, patiently.

Patience, unlike that very-impulsive way of operation from before. Thinking before acting, before saying what I feel like saying, pausing, taking a time out, slowly.

anita

October 10, 2018 at 8:44 am #230089

Peace
Participant

Dear Amma

I will never know what loneliness is, but it is better to remain far from all toxic people in life. Being alone is better than playing power games, mind games and struggling with own self-respect. Be with people who value you. Join a yoga club, meet old trusted friends, read good books, be outdoors in nature. Nature and time passing by will heal many wounds.

October 11, 2018 at 8:14 am #230341

Amma
Participant

Hi,

Thank you for responding to my post. I had to change my cell phone number yesterday, somehow he always finds out my number. I’ve had to change it 20x and I’m not exaggerating.

Yes, like yourself I feel empty, I’m a bottomless pit. I have tried to fill it, but haven’t yet. Everything thing I’ve tried is self destructive, things I thought I would never do, of course I did all of them.

I’m always bored, I’ve lost many friends because they don’t want to hear/be involved with my dramas, people tell me that I love drama and they are right.

I divorced my emotionally and physically ex-husband in 2014. It’s 2018!

Hope to hear from you soon

October 11, 2018 at 8:18 am #230343

Amma
Participant

Write me back if you want. I replied to your post, but I replied to the wrong person.

If you read my last post, it was my reply to you.

Sorry

October 11, 2018 at 8:22 am #230349

Amma
Participant

Thank you for your response, you gave me some great ideas. I am taking a class this fall. It keeps me busy and helps me focus on positive things.

October 11, 2018 at 8:25 am #230351

Amma
Participant

Hi,

I have heard that as you get older BPD doesn’t have as many self destructive behaviors.

Thanks, you have given me hope!
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