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  • #158286
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    You wrote: “When I think of hate I think of something or someone you want nothing to do with… I don’t feel I hate men because I feel I wouldn’t want a relationship with one so badly if I did”. First, by hate, I mean deep, persistent anger. It is my experience that people can be very angry with a person and, at the same time, want to be in a close relationship with the person. The two are not mutually exclusive. The more I wanted, in my personal life, to be loved by a specific person, the more I was angry with that person for not loving me.

    You wrote: “I can be quite rude to men and women, especially if I feel they have relationships”- the rude behavior is what I refer to as hateful behavior, (that is, very angry behavior).

    You wrote: “When I am rational like I am right now I feel no irritation at the men and women passing me by in the cafe right now”- I understand that you don’t always feel very angry or angry at all at men. No one feels a feeling permanently.

    You wrote: “I do agree that I probably give off a vibe of stay away from me”- that is the very angry/hate vibe I was referring to.  “I do agree somewhat that I can be prejudiced against men thinking they are all the same to some extent”- I agree and men are not all the same, any more than women are all the same.

    You wrote: “I especially feel that when my emotions are running high or I feel hurt”- this is when our thinking is off, when we are… under the influence of strong emotions.

    You wrote: “As someone who didn’t feel heard growing up ..”- I understand your valid, strong need to be heard and I tried throughout this thread to hear you and let you know what I heard, so that you can correct me where I heard wrong, and so that you will feel heard.

    You wrote: “I also feel I didn’t have a female mentor of any kind growing up”- I know. It fits with the title of your thread and the theme throughout: “Alone.” It is sad and unfortunate.

    And you wrote: “I still think that I can turn it around and find a way out of my loneliness. I just don’t know if I have the tools or the directions on how to make it work”- yes, you can turn things around, find the love you longed for your whole life. And I sure hope you will.

    I don’t know what you meant by having “to move on with this thread though”?

    You are welcome. If it helps, keep posting and I will keep replying.

    anita

     

     

     

    #158320
    Lucy
    Participant

    Hi Lisa,

    First my apologies, I’m trying to send you a private message but I don’t know if this is one.

    I have not read all of your post since there are 10 pages of them (incl. the reactions on your post) and I didn’t want my massage to be focused on all of the details.

    I think we came from a really different background but I have a feeling I can relate to your problem. I grow up very isolated and in a unfriendly environment. I also have some problems with feeling lonely. Of course I can’t blame anyone because I am a adult now and responsible for all my own actions. Just as you in the past (and even now) my first priority was a roof above my head and paying the bills (and staying in school). I’m trying to make more connections but as all things in life there are a lot of setbacks. I don’t feel like a negative person. I have so many interests and thing that I love but sometimes feelings overwhelm me. I’m trying to find a way to deal with these emotions/feelings because I strongly believe If I’m able to sett aside by anxieties things will work out. I’ve been practicing yoga and meditation for 2 years now and I would love to find someone with whom I can share experiences with regarding the mental aspects yoga and mediation to help myself grow and learn.

     

    I’m not sure what I want to ask or say to you but something in your message triggered a emotion in me. I don’t know how I can help you but it would mean a lot to me to have some to share experiences with and get some advise from.

    Lucy

     

     

    #158354
    Lisa
    Participant

    Lucy, I do not think there is a private message option as I have tried to do that as well. I know it is a lot to read. I tried to explain the way my life has pretty much gone on since birth so it took a bit of time.

    How did we grow up different? I am sorry that you grew up in an unfriendly environment and that you have felt lonely. I think being an adult can only get someone so far in overcoming feelings you carry with you for a long time. I am happy for you though if you can resist negativity. Sometimes, actually a lot of the time I feel like a failure because others were able to overcome things I was not able to overcome. I can’t tell you how many times I have watched or read about someone who seemed to have the same problems as I have and the announcer or the author of the book says “and she has been married to”….or “and her children”….and then I don’t listen or read anymore because they are really not like me at all. It feels like no one out there is like me.

    Survival was my only option in life. Nothing else was there for me. I used to be very active. I also practised yoga and always felt amazing after the class. Meditation is very difficult for me. It’s easier with other people because I feel others will see me not meditating so it pushes me into doing it. When I’m alone I give up after 1 minute. Something always distracts me and I have no one to answer to but myself. I believe in it though but I can’t do anything for myself unless I know I am being critiqued however subtly. I know ut works wonders for anxiety and I applaud you for being able to do it.

    I want so badly to be able to help people but sometimes I wonder if I am able to give anything to anyone. Thank you for posting in my thread and I will certainly try to help you as well. Feel free to post in this thread if you like anything that you need help with. If I can not offer good advice I’m sure others can. Whatever you like.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    #158572
    Lisa
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for encouraging me to post more. I appreciate it. I wrote move on with this thread because I felt I was taking up too much of people’s time, yours included. What I have talked about in this thread fro7m my input is really what I have been going over in my head for years but I have new perspectives.

    I feel as if I should be actually doing something about my problem. That has to happen. I have had wonderful input from everyone and though I do accept a lot I am not sure if I really feel it all. I feel I need to jump in the pool to see my reactions and think I would better understand myself.

    With all my feelings about men I truly think my biggest obstacle is going to be how I feel about myself. I am super critical of myself. I feel as if I have the abilty to look very good because I have before and if I can keep my stress level down I can get into shape. My almost insurmountable problem is not feeling I deserve anyone. It is so ingrained in me to think I am not part of the human race and feeling like I come from another planet. I feel so poorly about myself that if anyone pays attention to me now I wonder what is wrong with their judgement. My self esteem is not good.

    Another obstacle is getting myself hopeful by starting another project to improve my life and then giving up and abandoning it….and then becoming angry and depressed…

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    #158702
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    You are welcome.

    I believe I understand, Lisa. I can see how it is better that you don’t start another project, hoping to improve your life, then give up, abandon it and become angry and depressed. This is not something to look forward to!

    Here is a definition of a project: a planned piece of work that has a specific purpose. I you look back at your past projects that failed, maybe you will see that the “specific purpose” in the project was at fault for the project failing every time. Maybe the specific purpose of the project, if you are to embark on one again, can be changed so that the project is doable for you and likely to succeed.

    If you would like to develop such a purpose here, on your thread, please do.

    (I will be away from the computer for about 16 hours).

    anita

    #158756
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    I want to reply more to your most recent post (and I hope more of my input is welcome):

    If by jumping into the pool you mean being open to dating, meeting men for the purpose of a love relationship, way more important than getting physically into shape (“I can get into shape”) is changing your beliefs about men so to fit your beliefs to reality, making the adjustments in what you believe. Otherwise, your deep anger toward all men will rise to the surface soon enough and scare away potential decent partners.

    You wrote: “I am super critical of myself… My almost insurmountable problem is not feeling I deserve anyone. It is so ingrained in me to think I am not part of the human race and feeling like I come from another planet. I feel so poorly about myself that if anyone pays attention to me now I wonder what is wrong with their judgement”- You do deserve love:  attention, appreciation, empathy, respect. You are part of the human race, as worthy as any other human being on the planet. I pay attention to you, very much so, on this thread and my judgment is not wrong: I do value you, appreciate and respect you. So can a decent man who will have the privilege of getting to know you.

    I used the word privilege because it has been a privilege for me to get to know you on this thread. You expressed a concern about taking too much of others’ time here, but I don’t regret any and all time I spent on your thread, and I hope that your thread will last as long as this lovely website exists.

    You wrote: “Another obstacle is getting myself hopeful by starting another project to improve my life and then giving up and abandoning it….and then becoming angry and depressed…”- as I wrote in my last post to you, and elaborated here, if you do start a project, define the objective and plan the way to go about it which will maximize your chances of success, an objective and a way to go about it that is different than in the past.

    anita

    #159040
    Lucy
    Participant

    Hi Lisa,

    Thank you so much for your response.

    😉 I can’t always resist negativity, I wish I could. I don’t think you should feal like a failure. You can give up, but you don’t. You post on this forum to look for advise and help, not to complain. You feel a lot of pain but you don’t stop to try. I think that’s admirable ( I always think, Hero’s are people who fail but never stop trying).

    I also had trouble with yoga and meditation. I couldn’t find the focus to start and I didn’t know anyone who could help me. I started going to the shooting range. If forced me to focus without confronting any emotions and I couldn’t just walk away if I stood there because there are always other people and it would look very strange If i walked away without shooting first. I did this for a year before starting with yoga. The first lessons I took my yoga teacher told me this was maybe to hard for me and advised me to maybe quit yoga (she didn’t advise me at all) this really made me feel very sad (and like a failure). I was trying so hard be she didn’t even took a minute of her time to help or advise me.

    So….I’m not ‘able’  to do this well, even after a few years of yoga I am still trying very hard to not walk away from myself.

    If you like, I would love it if we can share some experiences. Maybe also about our pasts but mostly about daily struggles and how you handle things, the things you try etc. For me feeling alone is a really hard subject to talk about because it makes me feel weak and failed (that I’m not able to solve this alone). Is it possible to do this through e-mail? It’s to hard for me to do all of this publicly.

    Again thank you for your response and sharing your story (My apologies for my bad English).

    #159364
    Lisa
    Participant

    I will respond shortly…the weekdays are tough.

    #159520
    Lisa
    Participant

    I agree Anita, I feel you are saying that I need to shift my focus away from the goals I thought of before. Instead of getting in shape to attract a man I should want to get in shape to be healthy and please myself? I “think” that is what you are saying. What I can not get away from though is that I do believe I make myself unattractive and have done so to keep men away. Not consciously.

    I would like to create a full plan for what I need to do in this thread. Hopefully my ability to help other people will change in the near future but my focusing on myself in a productive way needs to happen now. I will come up with a plan but so much to overcome. My biggest hurdle is fear though I think.

    #159524
    Lisa
    Participant

    Have to continue on a new post…my phone. I know I need to change my views about men but how do I do that? It’s like I am waiting for someone to prove to me that I am wrong. I am also not sure I have been completely honest on this thread about what I think because what I think might be actually reinforcing my ideas about men. I don’t think I am good enough so do I focus on men who would feel that way as well?  That really makes me sad.

    Thank you for the kind words Anita. I feel very lucky to have found this forum.

    I agree that I have to get to the foundation of what I need to do to feel like a whole person. It will be very hard to not look for it from other people because I have been searching for that all my life. I have to start over.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    #159538
    Lisa
    Participant

    Lucy thank you, I never want to stop trying, stop learning, stop growing…
    Yoga is a very personal experience and is mainly focused on concentration and the breath and that is where the poses begin. After you focus on your breathing and thoughts the physical poses come with time. Not sure if your yoga teacher was thinking of yoga as some kind of competition but I have fortunality been lucky to have very good yoga teachers who taught me that everyone can practice yoga. Unfortunality the limitations I experience I put on myself because I am competitive. I am my own worse enemy. I feel like the victum but follow the lead of my oppressors even though I know they are wrong. When I think about it, how messed up is that? lol.
    For you I think you can find a much better yoga teacher. One who truly knows the foundation of a yoga practice.

    Lucy I don’t think I would be good communicating one on one with someone right now. I don’t feel as if I am dependable enough. For me communicating on a forum pretty much anonymously makes it easier “for me” to be honest. I have said things here I have not even told members of my family. I would actually like to continue posting on a more public forum until I am ready to communicate with someone directly which I don’t feel I am ready to do right now. I absolutely welcome you to post in this thread and would love to converse with you if you feel you want to. I am the opposite, I feel I can put it all out there to a lot of people I do not know personally but have difficulty having private conversations. I will retreat and hold back the way that I am right now.

    I look forward to hearing more about you if you choose to post more.

    Lisa

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    #159550
    Lisa
    Participant

    “I will retreat and hold back the way that I am right now”

    Just to clarify that I mean the way my personality is right now.

    #159552
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    You are welcome. I like your idea about coming up with a plan and starting over. Every morning is a starting over, a new day.

    I think that for you to get into a healthy physical shape is a good goal for you not for the purpose of attracting men, but so to be healthy and to promote your emotional health. Regarding men, your attitude toward them will turn them off no matter how great your physical shape is. If you want a loving relationship with a man, that attitude needs to change.

    You wrote: “I am waiting for someone to prove to me that I am wrong”- so a man starts as Guilty, in your mind, and it is his job to prove himself innocent. In the U.S. Courts a suspects starts, legally, as “innocent until proven guilty”. In Lisa’s court, a man is “guilty until proven innocent.”

    It is very important that if you get involved with a man, that he will be a decent man, an honest man who does not look down at women, who is respectful toward others. That kind of a man should not be viewed as “guilty until proven innocent”.

    The changing of attitude regarding men that I am suggesting to you is to view men as individuals and evaluate a man as an individual.

    If you are not able or willing to evaluate a man as an individual, then you are not ready to consider a loving relationship with a man, dating, that is.

    anita

     

    #159642
    Angela
    Participant

    Hi Lisa…I’m new to these forums. I saw your post, and I wanted to respond…

    I’m a little younger than you…I’ll be 35 in just a few weeks. However, I hope that you don’t read what I have to say and think, “well, she’s just 35. She needs to wait until she’s older”. I have had the same thoughts when I’ve read someone 22 saying that they’ve never had a date, etc. However, I think at this point in my adulthood, I’ve been through some things and I hope older adults can respect my experiences.

    First of all, my heart does sincerely go out to you. There is nothing wrong with longing for a relationship. I too am in a similar case. I’ve dated before some, but nothing meaningful in my adult life. I did have a successful 3.5 year relationship when I was a teenager. However, to be 34 and to tell someone that you haven’t dated since your teenage years is, quite frankly–embarrassing.

    There have been times in my singlehood where I cried myself to sleep, and there have also been times where I didn’t even notice I was single. I too have Google searched “what if I never marry” or “34 and single” more times than I can remember. However, my encouragement to you is to know that you are not along in this single journey, and also, it may not last forever.

    I am a Christian, and I try my best to serve the Lord Jesus Christ with all of my heart. I have noticed that the more I live for the Lord, the less I think about being single. Are you involved in a church? Do you have close friends? Do you have any close family members that you are close to? Do you have hobbies?

    Another thought that came through my mind is to consider ways to end your financial woes. Although you are an artist, could it be that you should consider other non-artist jobs to provide for more financial security? You can still, of course, do art-related work as a hobby or on the side. I’m thinking of someone who is a musician who may not be able to be a musician full-time, but can still express their musicianship on the side, even if just for fun. Have you thought of that?

    I also had to realize I needed to work on my appearance some. I am currently on the journey to lose about 20 lbs. I lost 55 lbs. several years ago, but some of it has crept back up. I am also trying to do a better job of making sure my hair looks decent and that I’m dressing trendy. Sometimes I’ve noticed that I don’t look my best. Please understand that I am not saying these things to be critical of you in any way. They are just practical things I’ve noticed that I have needed to change about myself with regard to attracting men.

    I pray that you are encouraged and find the companionship that you desire. There really is someone for everyone. There are also a lot of men out there wondering why all the good women are gone. But, little to do they know, we are right here! I would say that you are in control of your future, and work on changing the things that you can. Even if you have to take baby steps, focus on the areas of your life that you can improve and start there.

    #159732
    Lucy
    Participant

    Lisa,

    Thank you for your response. It makes me really happy to hear someone say, even though they are experiencing pain, ‘I never want to stop trying, stop learning, stop growing…’. It makes me feel more determent to keep trying.

    I respect your choice to just keep posting on a public forum. You shouldn’t do things you are not comfortable with.

    For me, concentration and breath are really difficult. A few weeks ago we were experimenting with mantra’s in my yoga class (breathing in 6 sec. and out 6 sec on Ohm namah shivaya). This really triggers me in a negative way. Even though I don’t respond to other music in this way. It makes me feel really angry (I think because it reminds me of people who say that love fixes everything, don’t step in to try and help (a child) and just keep meditating). My feelings are so overwhelming that my heartbeat goes up really fast and I need to quit the exercise. Because I find it difficult I think it is important to keep trying. But I don’t know how. Do you have any experience with this? What do you do when your emotions are getting to much.

    I saw a few of your other posts. I sounds like you are trying to change yourself to find a man, is that the right interpretation? I tend to go that direction myself because it’s easier for me to change myself for someone else. Personally I think I (and others) should work on being myself, being happy, doing all kind of things that make me feel good (with or without a man). I think that when your happy you can attract the right kind of people. People who love you for you, and you make that possible by being yourself. Maybe that sounds stupid because until now It didn’t get me a husband but for me it also feels that, at this point in my life, I can’t be really myself all the time (and be confident about it).

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