* And Merry Christmas, John (I wished you Merry Christmas earlier, on Peter’s thread).

Dear Lisa:

You are welcome and it’s good to read from you again! Thank you for your good wishes for me.

“I live in a constant state of worry. I have never felt secure. Why can’t anyone’s advice cure me?… I wish I could have a checklist of what I need to do to cure myself.”-

– Thank you for sharing your feelings. It sounds like you’re still in a lot of pain. I know that you’ve been struggling for a long, long time, living in a constant state of worry and never feeling secure. It’s understandable that you’d feel frustrated when advice doesn’t cure your pain.

I spent close to three hours going through every page of your 2 threads, 39 pages combined. One thing that occurred to me in regard to this thread, which you titled “Alone”, is that many more people replied to you than to other original posters in other threads. To me, it means that you are not alone being Alone.

Alone with a capital A.

I can see that your Alone is more alone than most other people’s Alone. There are other people who are as devastatingly alone as you are. Some even more than you. Can you imagine that?

Your Alone has not been a temporary state, such as most people experience, but a significant and defining aspect of your life. It’s been a deep, pervasive loneliness, shaping how you view yourself and your life. It acts as a lens through which you view the world, filtering your interactions and relationships through the prism of isolation, having led you to withdraw, avoid new relationships, or sabotage potential connections due to fear of further rejection and hurt.

A chronic state of loneliness erodes a person’s sense of self-worth as the person internalizes the idea that he/ she is unworthy of love, companionship, and support. The emotional pain of feeling Alone can lead to constantly battling feelings of sadness, despair, and frustration, seeing oneself as fundamentally different or disconnected from others, reinforcing the belief that one is destined to be an outsider.

Feeling Alone can easily dampen one’s motivation to pursue goals and aspirations. Lack of support and encouragement makes it difficult to sustain ambition and drive.

Here is a profound expression of the magnitude of your Alone: “It is so ingrained in me to think I am not part of the human race and feeling like I come from another planet” (July 17, 2017)

Other expressions- April 14-17, 2020: “I am alone with no one to help me… I wish I had someone in my life to help me along the way… I don’t know what to do. If only I had that one lifeline growing up“.

Feb 14, 2020: “I am right now alone in my misery again… human beings are insensitive creatures… vile disgusting hateful creatures to ever walk the planet. I hate humans. I hate them. No one stops these creeps from stomping all over the world and do whatever they want. No one protects the helpless”.

Jan 21, 2023: “Nothing to report except more of the same. People whose only goals in life are the same as reptiles… crushing the hopes and dreams.. they are free to break rules, oppress, ban, and spread lies about others”-

– In general, the emotional pain of being Alone makes a person extremely sensitive to interactions with others, being hyper-aware of perceived slights, rejections, and indifference. Negative experiences with a few individuals can be generalized to a broader view of humanity. This can result in seeing all people as inherently bad or untrustworthy.

To cope with the overwhelming emotional pain of being Alone, the individual may project their hurt outward, seeing others as the source of their suffering. By externalizing their pain, they attempt to make sense of their feelings and find a target for their anger and frustration.

Viewing others negatively serves as a protective barrier. It creates an emotional distance, reducing the risk of further hurt or disappointment. By seeing others as inherently bad or untrustworthy, the individual can justify their isolation and protect themselves from potential harm.

The individual’s negative perception of others can lead to a confirmation bias, where they selectively notice and remember negative interactions while overlooking positive ones. This reinforces their belief that others are bad people (“insensitive creatures… vile disgusting hateful creatures… creeps… reptiles”, your words).

The negative perception can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. By expecting others to be hurtful or indifferent, the individual may unconsciously behave in ways that elicit negative responses, further validating their beliefs and perpetuating the cycle of loneliness and mistrust.

Having gone over the pages, I noticed how gracious you’ve always been as you responded to members who posted in your treads: you addressed each member by name, thanked them for their input, expressed empathy to members who expressed their pain, and wished them well. I think that your grace, attention and empathy to your responders indicates that despite negatively viewing humanity, you still have a deep desire for connection and understanding. Responding graciously to those who engage with your threads allowed you to maintain some level of social interaction and validation, and/ or (?) you may have learned to respond graciously and empathetically as a way to adhere to social norms and expectations. This behavior can be a way to maintain a sense of normalcy and acceptance in her interactions.

I also noticed (as I noticed it in the past, repeatedly) that often, you expressing yourself in a unique, creative way.

May 14, 2020: “I can’t see myself as anything but a victim. I was a good child and so many things worked against me becoming a good adult. The same people who abandoned me and tore away at my self-esteem, rolled their eyes at me, betrayed me… I needed help a long time ago and they let me sink… When I’m upset, no one comes to me. When I’m calm no one comes to me, when appear happy no one comes to me“-

– Here you expressed a deep-seated belief that you have been wronged by others and by circumstances beyond your control, which is truly what happened to you as a baby and child growing up. This sense of victimhood is a recurring theme in your narrative in regard to your adulthood. The negative perception of humanity, as you expressed in the quote about people being like reptiles who crush hopes and dreams, aligns with your broader view of others as hostile and untrustworthy.

Your statement about no one coming to you when you are upset, calm, or happy highlights your consistent feelings of loneliness and isolation, feeling disconnected from others, regardless of your emotional state.

“Why does the universe always put me in these awful positions?” (I lost the date of this quote)- This statement reflects a feeling of lack of control over your life circumstances, perceiving yourself as being at the mercy of external forces (the universe) that dictate your experiences. This aligns with your sense of victimhood, where you feel that you are targeted or singled out for suffering, things happening to you rather than you having control over your life.

Attributing your difficulties to the universe may be a way to avoid seeing how- as an adult- you contribute to your state of Alone.

You were truly a victim as a child, and at times as an adult as well. Your pain and the challenges you faced have been immense. Healing (what you referred to yesterday as “cure myself”) is about finding a balanced perspective where you acknowledge the external factors that have impacted you so much, but also acknowledge your own agency and take responsibility for your actions in the maintaining of your Alone.

While many things have happened to you that were unfair and out of your control, there are areas where you can take small steps to create positive changes (agency). But you’d need to be persistent and very, very patient with yourself, expecting small, gradual progress, and not give up when experiencing setbacks.

You’d need to recognize and celebrate your strengths and achievements, no matter how small. Building a sense of agency and self-efficacy will help you feel more in control of your life.

You’ve shown resilience by surviving through very tough times. Recognizing and building on your strengths can help you take charge of your life in new ways. It’s important that you don’t fall into the trap of self-blame but instead see responsibility as a path to empowerment.

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean blaming yourself. It means recognizing where you have the power to make changes and being kind to yourself as you navigate those changes.

anita

I am happy to read that you feel better and more mature, Lisa. 🙂

And now, these days, where does this feeling of being a failure come from? What do you think you failed at?