Dear Alessa:

You are welcome 🤍 and thank you for giving my topic your precious time and focus 🙏.

(And for not half-assing it, ha-ha.. where’s the emoji for that?)

You are making a distinction that never occurred to me the way you say it: “it goes well beyond, beyond scared or afraid, into terror… so much damage as a result”-

As I typed the above I felt an noticeable sense of calm, the kind that follows being understood in a profound way.

The tension in my body every waking hour, day in and day out, that’s a result of terror beyond fear.

“Terrorized by a monster”- it does take a human monster to terrorize a child. Funny (in a way that’s not funny at all, how human these monsters are, or some of these monsters are).

The cake she bought for me, the money she spent on me- she guilt-tripped me for these things, saying: look at what I did for you… and THIS is how you repay me (THIS was something imaginary, some accusation that wasn’t valid)

So, at least from one point, her gifts were a burden, reasons to feel like I was a bad, ungrateful and undeserving person.

Your bio didn’t guilt-trip you about the “little crumbs of kindness”?

I read that tics get worse with stress but I can’t tell because they take place almost all the time, so it feels. My stress level is high on a regular basis.

It is interesting, living with terror at home overshadowed the terror outside. If only I had safety at “home”, if only I had a home.

I suppose it’s possible to hide from missiles in shelters or safe rooms. But there was nowhere to hide from my mother.

You wrote: “A feeling of safety is something I’ve never really had”- same here.

“It is my quest to create a feeling of safety”- I would like that very much. But how, Alessa?

Bogart right now is resting very, very close to me, like a baby. I can feel his heart beating. His physical closeness, his trust in me calms me.. is that a feeling of safety?

I don’t really know how SAFE feels. I am not sure. Is it relative safety, as in one hour, one day at a time?

No such thing as real, lasting safety, is there?

Thank you so much for your message, Alessa. It makes me calmer, and it makes me think. I am looking forward to read your thoughts about my reply, hoping to continue this conversation- at your own time, your own pace.

I 🙏 for calm and safety (once I figure out what it means) for the two of us.

🤍 Anita

* edit: 3-4 afternoons- evenings with people at the Winery Every week.