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Always Needing Validation from Others

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Peggy 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #308907

    Angel
    Participant

    I’ve realised this recently. That I always need validation from others. I want to be better than everyone else and I want people to recognise it. It’s very destructive for me as I always compare myself to others and when someone is doing better than me I become envious which then makes me anxious and sad. I then just feel helpless and depressed, like they’re better than me so I shouldn’t even try at this point. I also get really anxious when I see younger people that are achieving more than I am at my age and I’m scared of my birthday because I don’t want to be a year older – A year older means I’m more of a failure for not having achieved the same things people have at a younger age. I’m 19 about to turn 20 and I’m so scared of it. It gives me anxiety. In my head, people will say that I’m old and boring, not interesting. They will say that these younger people are better than me.

    Please help me 🙁

    #308917

    Mark
    Participant

    Angel,

    If there is any comfort to you, you are not alone in feeling/thinking that you need outside validation.  Comparing us to others is part of our human nature as part of our evolutionary biology.  And that does not serve us well nowadays.

    It sounds that your upbringing did not prepare you to be a confident adult who loves herself.  I am sure you can look back and see how you were not validated, celebrated and supported.  Such experiences create our belief systems.

    Now it is time to start changing that story, those beliefs.  That is a life long challenge.  Have you considered therapy?

    I recommend start writing down all the good things about yourself.  Ask those you trust the same thing, what are good qualities of who Angel is.

    Focus on what gets your juices flowing, what things bring a smile to your face.  Start from those points and build upon that.  That is the key to growth and happiness.

    What do you think?

    Mark

    #308943

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Angel,

    When you look at someone’s middle aged mother, do you think, “She’s a failure in life, she didn’t fulfill her dreams, how come she’s not famous like this other fifty year old mother, what is she doing with herself?” The answer is NO, of course not! You think “That’s my friend’s mom, she’s really nice!”

    Or when you see a six year old, do you look down on them because they’re not reading chapter books yet? No, you’d give them a picture book and be happy that they’re reading.

    Trust me, no one looks at you at twenty and thinks other people are doing better than you. As long as you’re working or in school, that’s all anyone really cares about. And if you’re not, guess what? People would want to help you. They don’t look down on you.

    Best,

    Inky

    #308967

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Angel:

    “I want to be better than everyone else”- why better; why  not better than some people in some ways and not as good as others in other ways?

    “when someone is doing better than me I  become envious”- you can think: this someone is doing better than me in this way, but I am doing better than him/ her in another way, which is no doubt the truth.

    “In my head, people will say that I’m old and boring”- who said it already, I wonder, outside your head, that is. Someone said that or something like that to you, that you are not good enough, that others are better. It is the voices of the people in our young lives, as children, that keep playing and re-playing in our brains.

    anita

    #308991

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Angel,

    It’s a big mistake to compare ourselves to others.  There is only one person that Angel can be.  We all develop at our own rate.  From the time a child is born, comparisons begin to be made – when the baby first smiled, grew it’s first tooth, took it’s first steps and so on.  None of it really matters.  What matters is that the child is loved, gains confidence, and goes on to become a valuable member of society.  You are not yet 20 and are writing yourself off as a failure.  Some people learn quickly, others take more time.  Life is not a race.  Develop your own talents at your own pace.  You can do that.

    Some people are born to be great composers, musicians, artists etc.  That’s where their talents lay.  Do you want to compete with them?  If so, you had better study music and art.

    Anxious, sad, helpless, depressed, a failure – all because no-one tells you how special, wonderful, amazing and brilliant you are.  You are not validated by what others think or say about you.  You are validated by your own thoughts and behavior.

    Here’s the validation you are seeking:  You are every bit as good as anyone that has ever been born before or will ever be born again, no better and no worse.  Believe it, it’s the truth.

    Peggy

    #309089

    Angel
    Participant

    Thank you guys very much! I’m learning to love myself. I know it will be very difficult to change who I have been for the past 20 years but I’m willing to work hard in order to find that peace. I want to be loved by me and not by others. I hope that I can one day achieve that. 🙂

    #309097

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Angel:

    You are welcome. “I want to be loved by me and not by others”- reads to me that what you mean by it is that you want to feel valuable, to know  in your mind and heart that you are good and valuable no less than any other person in the whole world. Is that what you mean?

    anita

    #309131

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Angel,

    There’s always a positive.  You were born perfect.  Your self doubts have arisen through others not accepting parts of you.  The good news is that you only have 20 years of undesirable input to contend with.  Learning to love yourself is the greatest gift that you can give yourself.  It’s only through loving ourselves that we can truly love others.  Just by making a simple affirmation to yourself on a daily basis such as “I love me” will bring rewards.  When you can say those few words and not have any resistance in you, that is when it feels comfortable for you to say it and you have accepted it, you will have arrived.  The day that you can achieve that is probably only about a month away.  It’s that easy!

    Peggy

     

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