March 26, 2014 at 1:14 pm #53593SufiParticipant
I have posted before about my anger issues. There is something else that’s been eating me up for quite a few years now. I am in my early twenties, and I am terrified that I have become bipolar, like my mother. I mean, she hasn’t been diagnosed or anything, but she sure shows the symptoms of it: she is very judgmental and highly critical of people, she can be very loving and lavish you with praises one month, and the following month insult you and find everything wrong with you.
My mother was a battered woman when I was very young, and I think that she has a ton of repressed anger in her. I think that, being the only daughter out of her children, I am an easy target for all her suppressed emotions. I have been on a self-esteem roller coaster ride pretty much my whole life. I have been the object of several harsh words coming from her. My friends are dumbstruck when I tell them some of the things that she tells me; they even wonder if she is my real mother! But coming back to the point, I don’t feel confident in myself at all. Though my mother has provided for me all my life, I don’t find comfort in her presence. I don’t feel safe confiding in her, and find that she has never really met my emotional needs.
Because of that, I don’t share much of my thoughts and feelings with her. I think that offends her, and she attacks me for it. She tells me that she’s never been like that with her own mother, her mother was her God, she loved her mother more than anyone else, etc. But I don’t feel any of these things for my mother. What makes me think that she’s bipolar is that she will come to me when she is at the peak of her anger, and start hurling things at me. I try to block it out by turning up my music the loudest possible, but this only fuels the fire, and she yells at me for being a disrespectful daughter that she never was to her mother. However, when she is in a good mood and happy with me, she will express her gratitude for having “good children.”
She does the same thing with other people: one day she’ll have really good things to say about her friends, the next day she’ll be criticising them with me. Or one day she’ll say really nice things about my dad, and the following day she’ll find nothing good to say about him to me. I worry that I have become my mother. Sometimes I have these swings in emotions and become extremely judgmental, too. I have become extremely doubtful of women. I feel a profound dislike and distrust for women, and am quick to judge them, especially if they walked or looked at me in a certain way which I thought was very arrogant. Another example: I love my fiancé a lot, but whenever there’s something I dislike or that irritates me, I find that all the love I have for him in my heart disappears. I see only the negatives. It’s the same thing with friends. As soon as someone disappoints me or doesn’t meet my expectations, I cut them out and don’t talk to them again. That’s what happened with my previous therapist. She was sick two days and called the same day to reschedule the appointments, a behavior I found very unprofessional. I decided to stop going to my sessions, and this has worsened my situation. I think that I have a very strong ego, too at times, and hate not being taken seriously.
Sometimes I even lash out at my boyfriend just like my mother would lash out at me, and I find I cannot control myself AT ALL. I say the meanest things that I don’t even mean, and then apologise when my anger dissipates. My fiancé is an angel for putting up with my tantrums. He says that he understands it’s not me, that he knows that I am in fact someone very understanding, supportive, loving and caring. Bless his soul. I would have dumped someone like me a long time ago!
Please advise me, fellow readers. I would appreciate getting more insight into my behaviour, and how I can change. I want to find peace.
Thank you very much, everyone.March 26, 2014 at 3:40 pm #53604HelenParticipant
From what I read you have an impulse problem and an anger problem. I am by no means a doctor, but my father is bipolar so I know the symptoms, and yours or your mothers don’t sound like it (to me).
The one thing I can advise you to do is to find another therapist. Really let someone in, don’t judge them or yourself or how quickly you make “progress”.
Judgement is an evil companion. Because I know from my own experience that you surely judge yourself as much, or even worse, as others.
I hope you will go find the help you want and don’t “diagnose” yourself because that can be dangerous.
Lots of love
HelenMarch 26, 2014 at 8:52 pm #53613SufiParticipant
Thank you very much, Helen. I do tend to “diagnose” myself a lot. It’s something I need to stop doing, really. Thank you for your words of advice. I truly appreciate it.March 28, 2014 at 4:35 am #53698cherrymomParticipant
I have a friend that had many similar issues in his life. He one day got so mad he hit his girlfriend. It was terrible, but he found a positive in it. He attended anger management classes and it changed his life. He was able to gain a whole new perspective on life and literally did change as a person for the better. He is now a happy, well adjusted man and is engaged to a very sweet girl. You’ll find your path. We all go through rough spots!