Dear lindsey:

Back in April, you shared the following about your current boyfriend “S”: you (mother of a boy and a girl) met him (a father of two girls of the same age of your kids) a year ago, July of 2020.  You started dating him four months later, at the end of November 2020. You felt back in April that the relationship was “very healthy”. You shared with him your struggles with your ex (father of your kids),  and also, that you struggle with anxiety if you don’t hear from S text wise. S has been understanding, and he shared some of his issues with you. You mentioned at the time that S’s parents “are great”.

Three months later, July 9, you shared that since June, you’ve been feeling “extreme anxiety at times like he is going to break up with me or is sick of me”, “obsessing over the days and texting him around noon asking if he is staying over that night”. You didn’t share with him about the extent of your anxiety because you don’t want to “come off as pathetic, insecure, and needy”. Since summer started, he “seems to stay over less” (1 or 2 days in a row, instead of the 3 or 4 days in a row prior). He told you that he “feels sad in general and overwhelmed”. He lives with his father and step mother, helping his father who has a lung disease.

On the 4th of July, he invited you  to a cookout at his father’s and step mother’s home. You arrived at 4 pm, he was asleep, got up and started grilling, wasn’t talkative and when you told him that you needed to take your dog back home, “he eagerly said he would take him home”.  He was supposed to stay over that night, but changed his mind.  On July 5th you suffered “extreme anxiety” and asked him to come over.  He was distant at first, you think that the reason may be because he was afraid that you were upset at him for not staying over the night before.

You are afraid that he is withdrawing from you, but you are not sure because he sends you texts all the time, saying that he loves you, and he made it clear to you that you are “stuck with him forever”,  but you are afraid that these are “just words”.

My thoughts today: I don’t see a valid reason to be as anxious as you are in regard to S withdrawing from you. Like he told you, he “feels sad in general and overwhelmed”. When a person feels overwhelmed, the tendency is to withdraw and spend time alone, uninterrupted. Maybe him being asleep on 4th of July was that he withdrew that day from his father and step mother: likely there are some tension between him and his father and/ or between him and his step mother. Plus, no boyfriend is always eager to be with his girlfriend. From time to time, we all need a break (alone time) from other people, including people we love.

Your extreme anxiety is really about you, not about him because it preceded him. Back in April, I was surprised to read that you had a “very healthy” relationship with S because I know about your history of extreme anxiety: I was surprised that if nothing else, this anxiety did not yet harm the relationship. I think that the reason you were okay in regard to S back in April is that at the time your anxiety was focused on your ex (your April thread was about your ex, not about S). Fast forward, your anxiety is now focused on S.

Going back even farther, on April 2019, way before you met S, you shared that you get “hyper focused on one thing- usually a man… Turning a small thing into a catastrophe”. Fast forward, you are now hyper focused on S, and in your mind, you turn small things (ex., him being asleep on the 4th, him cancelling a sleep over) into catastrophes.

In August 2019, hyper focused on another man, K, you wrote: “I saw him this morning and it’s like every time I see him I’m looking for some type of sign from him that like he’s still here, still interested.. I spoke with him this morning and he barely made eye contact and it makes me feel bad about myself. I’m very conflicted, very confused, mostly hurt”- a similar experience to what you are having now with S, isn’t it? (Even though it seems to me, from what you shared, that S is way more serious about you compared to K).

On February 2020, you shared: “Apparently looking back, I was having a bit of my bi polar version of mania: reactive, decreased cognitive abilities (concentration, poor attention to detail, over tired, irritable), it happens every 3-4 months I think… my impulsivity and mood swings are causing havoc to my work and relationships.. I’m sick of the roller coaster ride”.

Back to April 2021, you shared: “Since last March I have started a mood stabilizer called Lamotrigine that has really improved my mental and emotional health.  I am doing great at work and have been in a healthy relationship for the past 6 months. My outbursts and how I handle the situation with my ex husband has improved” (Lamotrigine is used “to help prevent the extreme mood swings of bipolar disorder in adults”, online).

My closing thoughts for this post: because recently you are experiencing an increase in anxiety, better see your doctor so to re-evaluate your medications, including Lamotrigine. Maybe an increase in one, a decrease in another/ an adjustment of your current doses will help lessen your anxiety very soon. There are additional ways to lessen your anxiety such as a daily routine of aerobic and other exercise, yoga, guided meditations and mindfulness exercises.

Try to remind yourself, when you are feeling very anxious in regard to S, that (1) your anxiety is a condition you’ve suffered from for a long, long time before you met S, (2) your anxiety is not an indication that S is withdrawing from you, (3) when very anxious, you hyper focus on every little thing and catastrophize it, and that in reality, the little things are not that important, (4) that no one wants to be with another person all the time, that everyone needs a break, including yourself, (5) S is struggling with his own mental health issues (I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t), and so- you are not the only one.

Post again anytime. I hope you are having a better weekend and that your kids are well.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

I read your update in regard to your mother interacting with and being nice to your ex (and to his girlfriend, I assume). I know that this is an old topic that bothered you in the past. Regarding your current boyfriend’s bad news- that’s terrible, I am sorry for his daughter and for him, and I hope she heals and recovers.

“I do not see this relationship lasting. He will be in Memphis for 6 weeks at a time for 6 months.  I do not feel that I would be able to hold a relationship together if I were in his shoes”- I imagine that he will be focused on his daughter, and that he will not be available, or able to give you the attention that you  need. Preparing for the ending of this relationship reads like a wise choice.

“I believe I should seek counseling to address the strong sense of abandonment/anxiety I have felt with relationships”- another wise choice. I remember from our previous communication that your severe anxiety started in the context of your mother suddenly kicking you out at about 18, if I remember correctly, at a time when you were not at all prepared to live on your own, away from her (?)

anita

Dear Lindsey:

“Apparently he told (his 7-year old daughter) the night before he would bring donuts when he came to get her.  I called him and he said he still couldn’t find his wallet.  She called him again at 10am to come and get her.  He sleeps a lot.  As I write these things (and I didn’t want to but the more I thought about it I wanted to tell you) I cringe”-

– I bet his daughter cringes too. I can imagine her trusting what he told her, expecting him to show up with donuts just because he said so! If he, sleepily, under the influence of marijuana, overlooks breaking his little girl’s heart little by little, I imagine that he will overlook breaking your heart too.

“my ex husband.. his jealously was his way of showing that he cared.  He was always following me around and it was his way of showing he cared… once he got a girlfriend all of his behaviors stopped. Overnight he began looking at me like I was an annoyance-a bother-someone that he replaced and all his attention was on them”- I think I understand how much it bothers you that you were The One to get his as-if-he-cared attention, until another woman became… the one.

As I see it, you and her, at different times, are getting- not his real, genuine caring- but his as-if-caring attention. When we are hungry for love, as you have been ever since your mother emotionally abandoned you, we’ll accept as-if-love, if that’s all that we can get, and crave it as if it was genuine love.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

You and your Ex are very involved driving your two kids to their separate sporting activities and events, attending those, and he is involved in coaching as well. Therefore, there is an ongoing need for the two of you to coordinate your parenting activities around sports: who drives the whom, when and where. Because your Ex’s girlfriend, “A”,  is very involved in your ex’s life, she is also involved with your kids, helping your ex with the sporting events of his two kids.

You go to most of the games, but there are times that you are unable to do so because of work scheduling conflicts. The theme of your ex and A’s complaints is that you “don’t care about the kids’ sports and don’t come to the games”.

About three weeks ago, A walked past you very closely, almost bumping into your shoulder, and it feels like she did it on on purpose. Yesterday, your ex said, in front of your kids, that you should thank A for her part in the coordination, and it appeared to you that he was making “a minor scene” at that point. Next, you “went over to A and said thanks”. She responded angrily, saying “that’s your job”! You then told her: “I feel sorry for you guys”! and she yelled: “I feel sorry for your kids”!! Other parents heard the exchange.

Your concerns and goals: (1) I’m very concerned with my well-being and with these situations that seem to escalate, (2) I do not want to be a part of divorced ‘scenes’ in public, (3) I do not want to be involved in these things and do not know how to proceed.

My thoughts/ suggestions: (1) I don’t think that there is a need for you to say thank-you to A. Her motivation is to help her boyfriend, not to help you. Therefore, it’s not your job to thank her, it’s his job.

(2) Because of how you feel, it is better that there will be no exchange between you and A: no conversation, no comments. Keep as much physical distance between you and her as possible. Let your Ex know of this. Tell him to not suggest any communication between you and her, such as thanking her, and tell him that the #1 priority for you and him as co-parents is to not distress your kids with any expressed conflicts between the three adults in their lives (their mother, their father, their father’s girlfriend).

(3) Let your kids know about #2 as well, so that hopefully they will not fear future confrontations between the three adults involved. Again, the #1 priority for you and your Ex  is to provide a safer, calmer environment for your kids, indoors and outdoors.

(4) Best would be if you and your Ex, as co-parents, attend one or more sessions with a psychotherapist or a counselor so to establish rules of engagement: specific, spelled-out ways for the two of you to interact in ways that are most effective and least confrontational.

(5) Express and process your hurt and anger at your Ex for having replaced you “(Ex) was always following me around and it was his way of showing he cared.. once he got a girlfriend all of his behaviors stopped. Overnight he began looking at me like I was an annoyance-a bother-someone that he replaced and all his attention was on them”, July 12), in individual therapy (not including your Ex). If this is not a possibility, there are other ways for you to express and process these feelings: one way would be to express/ vent it right here, on your thread.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

I agree with you that it was the right decision for you to break up with S. I also think you did it the right way: texting him a short, honest, non-abusive text, and then blocking his number. For some other people, in different circumstances, a break up phone call or meeting in-person would be appropriate, but in the circumstances you described (him not giving you minimal time and attention)- a text is appropriate enough!

“While we were talking his girlfriend came up and in a loud voice was telling my daughter to come up stairs and get ready.  My daughter put her head down and walked away upstairs.  It was upsetting but I did not say anything“- talking about right and wrong (first paragraph), it is WRONG for your ex’s girlfriend to raise her voice at your daughter and otherwise display any aggression against your daughter- be it in the tone and volume of her voice, her facial/ bodily expressions, and her words and behavior (no matter how she feels about anything, she needs to control her expressions and behaviors).

What did your ex say when you expressed to him in the past what I mentioned in the paragraph above?

Again, I think you did the right thing in regard to S. Congratulations!

anita

Dear Lindsey:

You are welcome. It doesn’t sound promising that your ex has been very dismissive of your input in regard to his girlfriend so far, pointing the finger at you and denying the truth. It suggests that he will be very defensive yet again and deny his girlfriend’s mistreatment of your daughter again.

“I have a meeting with a counselor this Wednesday and I’m sure that will be part of our discussions”- that’s your hope, seems to me, a third person.

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by .
• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by .

Dear Lindsey:

I agree with you that your impulsive act of calling S, “in reality it isn’t that big of a deal”. I think that you having called him makes no difference in your life, or in his. I agree with you that it was a mistake, but I disagree that it was “a very bad mistake”. Something that has no real consequences in real life, cannot be a bad, or a very bad mistake.

In other words, you called, he didn’t respond= nothing changed: he wasn’t responsive to you before you broke up with him, he is not responsive now.

As far as the possibility that he thinks of you as unstable (“kind of giving an impression of being unstable”)- again, what difference does it make what he thinks: what are anyone’s thoughts but an ongoing, inaudible, invisible and constantly changing mind-chatter?

I used to be very impulsive myself, I remember how frustrating it was for me. I am way less impulsive now, and less frequently. Next time you feel impulsive and about to do something impulsive, postpone the act and message me first, will you?

anita