Anita,

I texted him late yesterday and said I didn’t want things to continue after the sex discussion he had.  I felt pressured.  He responded defending himself and I just said it was fun meeting him.  There was no I’m sorry can we try to work things out from him.

How does someone take you to a nice dinner, buy you their favorite book for Christmas, ask personal questions and then end up where I am now?  I want to understand the why.  Would someone really do everything listed above just because they want sex?  I’ve never been anywhere close to the situation I was in.

Lindsey

Happy New Year, Lindsey!

anita

Talk to you in a few hours then (or whenever you feel like it, of course!) May this next year be better than 2020 and better than 2021, I so wish for a better year for all of us!

anita

Dear Lindsey:

“There have been some changes” – having read your entire post, it reads like good changes!

“I think I described the sexual issues-Jason pressing for more in a way that was not totally correct… Here are some things he brought up. While he didn’t mean to push, I initiated things so he had a perception that it may go farther” –

In my Dec 27 post to you, I wrote: “I am assuming that he initiated some sexual play after you told him that you don’t want to have sex right then and there. If my assumption is correct…” – I had it in my mind at the time that maybe you initiated some sexual play, this is why I used the words “assuming” and “if”.

“He also said that of some actions I took during the event also made him think something was going to happen“- I think I understand: that night on his sofa you were conflicted. On one hand you didn’t want to get sexually involved with him, on the other hand- you did. So, your words and actions were not 100% clear one way or another. I can understand why he wasn’t clear about what could or should happen.

“He did not blame the situation on me at all.  In fact, he said we could continue the way things were and he was fine with it“- two good things: he didn’t blame you, and if I understand the second sentence correctly, he is interested in continuing to get to know you without sex.

“Also, during that time is when I feel that he likes me the most-which is not a healthy frame of mind“- I think that what you are saying is that while on his sofa, you felt that all you had to offer him was sex, and that if you won’t, he will lose all interest in you. Did I get it right?

“His personality seems to be very laid back.  He does not really think much ahead of time… He did mention that my anxiety has gone down since I have been spending time with him” – I think that a laid-back man and an anxious woman are compatible. No wonder your anxiety went down around a very laid-back man!

“So here is the issue at hand. I texted him yesterday and asked if he want to talk tonight. At this point we like each other, and I feel like he needs to know a few things before moving forward and getting intimate in the future… My point to him is going to be that trauma makes people do things that they would never do normally.  I was also going to explain to him the root of my anxiety.  I am not sure if I should add that I do not know how to be in a normal relationship with someone.  It brings out my anxiety. I just want to explain that the anxiety is not me.  I feel like it is unattractive and gets in the way of me and my personality“-

– It will continue to calm your anxiety if you share your thoughts and feelings with him and he responds in a comforting, supportive way. Talk to him, but don’t tell him too much at any one time. You can tell him tonight (in your own words) that you don’t like being anxious, that it makes you behave in ways that are not really who you are, ways that make you feel unattractive, and that you wish you could be relaxed.  Then stop talking and wait for his response. If his response is empathetic and somewhat comforting, then you have the green light to tell him more: share with him a few things about what he says and does that increase your anxiety, so that he will have the opportunity to avoid saying and doing those few things.

And at any time when you feel that your anxiety going up significantly, tell him so that he will have the opportunity to comfort you/ make you feel better. When physically close with him, make it known to him what specifically you are okay with, and that going beyond that specific thing is not okay with you.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

“Sex is one of the main things I have to offer because I don’t have anxiety during that time.  My brain is only tuned in on what I am doing in the moment. That’s how I get to show him I like him in that state of mind“-

– imagine getting into that state of mind outside the context of sex. If you communicate well with him, and if he makes you feel understood and validated, your anxiety will lessen and lessen, and you will be able to genuinely express yourself and show him that you like him in all other contexts!

“Currently I believe my anxiety issues will get old and annoying unless I try to talk with him and find a way to calm down.  More important than him getting annoyed it is I think this talk is the only way I can enjoy myself” – yes, do talk with him and continuously, on a regular basis (although not too much at any one time).

Regarding a way to calm down, the practice of Mindfulness is one effective way. Actually, from what you described; you are able to be mindful in the sexual context (“My brain is only tuned in on what I am doing in the moment“). You can practice mindfulness/ being tuned in on what you are doing in the moment- at all other times. I remember my therapist taught me to be mindful when washing the dishes, when walking, etc.

I know that elevated anxiety takes so much joy out of life, so really, lessening the anxiety is the way to go. Not easy, but little by little, you can make it happen!

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by .

Dear Lindsey:

“I came over Monday and spoke with him about my anxiety… He listened and asked questions and was supportive” – excellent, I am so glad to read that (1) You talked to him about your anxiety, and (2) He listened, asked questions and was supportive!

“It appears we are spending time together whenever we are free. I really like him so far” – reads good to me!

“So, we went upstairs to my room and things were fine.  Then…  So, you only imagine afterwards.  He acted really well with the entire situation.  I’d say a 10 out of 10.  I was impressed. But I’m embarrassed today because of that and how awkward it started, and it did not go very long.  I am having minor anxiety and I want to text him something about talking Sunday… I just do not know what to say” –

– what seems to you like a big deal is probably nothing to him. Remember: you are the anxious one (so things appear big), and he is the laid back one (so things that appear big to you, appear small to him). Next time you talk to him, you can tell him that you are or were embarrassed about that part of what happened, because talking to him about your anxiety is the right thing for you, for the relationship, and therefore, it is the right thing for him as well, as long he is supportive.

* Please do not expect him to be 100% supportive all the time because no one is. Also, when he is imperfectly supportive, the imperfection is likely to appear big to you, being that you are an anxious person. Be aware of that.

Your whole anxious state does not appear as big to him as it does to you, because (1) He does not actually feel/ experience your anxiety, and (2) Although, I am assuming, he does not wish you to be in emotional discomfort, he is probably attracted to part of your anxiousness: many men prefer women who do not appear very secure because it makes them feel less insecure.

anita

Anita,

Doing good! how are you?  I have been  busy mostly with kid things and found out my dog has food allergies so dealing with that.

So far things are going good. I have an average to above average rating at work.  Things are going really well with Jason.  This is the first normal/healthy relationship I have had to date.  I’m keeping in mind it is also the honeymoon phase.  I went to the doctor this past Tuesday because I was worried about an issue I mentioned in the last time or 2 I spoke with you.  It’s kind of a stressful and sensitive issue for me and probably for all women.  I’m glad I got it resolved.

The only thing that bothers me is when my ex sends messages on The Family Wizard they can be very unclear and mixed up in communication.  Just dysfunctional in general.  I’d like to not get into a back and forth text just trying to understand. I was wondering if you had any suggestions.

Lindsey