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Am I codependent? I feel awful

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Viewing 15 posts - 166 through 180 (of 198 total)
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  • #389629
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Mediation is not a waste of money when it is the only way to work through anything with your ex.

    I do hope the new guy turns out to be a long-term relationship, but please don’t get freaked out when you discover (and you will) that he is too human to be anything close to perfect. I just hope he is decent, like you.

    He has his stuff together“- not all of his stuff is together, I am sure.

    He is not just someone I decide to hang out with because I am lonely and also insecure in general“- good, and keep in mind that he too is lonely and insecure to one extent or another. I don’t want you to think that he has his stuff together and is generally secure, and you don’t. He has his strengths, you have your strengths and if you end up partners, you can use each other’s strength to build a good team (do I sound like a relationship coach, which I am not?), and help each other work through your weaknesses.

    Less than two days to the weekend and then you can be at home with your kids and dog and relax!

    anita

    #390122
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    I have been wanting to write you for the last 3 days but things seem like more of a chore.  Things that have happened in the last week or so I feel tired writing about.

    I don’t know that I told you but we had our last mediation on Friday.  My ex tried to add a few things via email when we were emailed our final paperwork to sign and return to the mediator. This would have been sometime in the beginning of last week.  I sat down and found that his girlfriend is writing about 90% of his messages on The Wizard app. (an app for divorced parents to communicate)  She is not just updating schedules; she is using passive aggressive tactics with her comments and the messages are really bad. I’ve mostly ignored them.  He was in rare form during the final mediation because I brought this up.  His behavior of putting me down in every possible way as a parents caused the mediator to say some strong comments to him at the end and she was taking up for me. I came home on Friday and slept all afternoon.  I slept a lot on Saturday too.  I do not think a lot was accomplished other than hopefully the nasty messages will stop.  I’m starting to document all of the small things he is doing to not cooperate as a co parent.  I feel very down about my life in general.

    I have continued to see Jason.   I basically laugh at myself because this guy lives in a really nice house and has a new car.  I live in a condo and my car squeaks when I drive it.  I have no idea how to be in a healthy relationship.  What else can I do but laugh and keep a distance? After coffee I met him for dinner and it went very well.  He said that he likes me/is interested in me and on Sunday he invited me to run some errands.  This was last week.  We are supposed to get together this week.  I have a feeling that one of his faults is that he talks down to a spouse/girlfriend maybe if he or she gets upset.  That is the only negative thought i have to date.  I did ask him a question he found too serious and said he thought that was too intense for where we were. The question was “what is a negative quality yo have and how has that has effected relationships?)  I never replied because it annoyed me.  I didn’t think the question was that intense and I was sick of talking about superficial things.  I deleted his number and just thought oh well.

    He text me the next morning and answered the question.  I was confused because he basically put up a boundary and then retracted it.  He said he was just tired-which i don’t really believe.  I think that he might have been worried he came across too harsh. And possible he is interested in me-even though my car squeaks LOL

    Lindsey

    #390131
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I am glad to see that you posted. I read just a bit because I am in a rush, but will be back to you Monday morning, in about 17 hours from now.

    anita

    #390167
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I wish that your ex and his girlfriend cared about not hurting your (and your ex’s) kids by putting their mother down and being passive-aggressive. I am sorry that you felt very down about your life yesterday, when you posted last.

    I am surprised that you are still dating Jason following his rude behavior earlier. I think that the question you asked him (“what is a negative quality you have and how has that affected relationships?“) is an excellent question. I think that dating should be about learning about the person you are dating and asking questions like these is the best way to accomplish it. What was his eventual answer?

    anita

    #390170
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    So now you have me thinking about his question.  After he declined to answer via text I never replied to him.  His response was odd to me and I was annoyed.  The next morning he wrote  saying that because he was poor growing up he buys things in excess now as an adult.  Also loses interest in those hobbies and wastes money.

    A friend of mine said he was  putting down a boundary by saying  “hey that’s not something I want to talk about yet since this is new. ”

    I don’t know what to think.  It’s a possible red flag but is it enough to end things altogether?

    Lindsey

    #390173
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    But isn’t he the same guy that pointed to the bill at a dinner not long ago and ordered you to pay it.. that was rude, a red flag, isn’t it?

    anita

    #390174
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    This is hilarious.  It’s a different Jason.  I met him 2 weeks ago.  We had coffee and then he took me to dinner and we ran some errands. This was almost 2 weeks ago.

    The comment about the negative trait in a relationship was asked on Friday night I believe.

     

    #390178
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    I feel so much better about it being a different Jason. I do remember that you recently shared about meeting another man, but I don’t think you mentioned his name. I will refresh my memory about the little you shared about the new guy tomorrow morning and reply further. Good night, Lindsey!

    anita

    #390187
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Yes, you shared about this man for the first time 12 days ago, on Dec 9: “Something very random and unexpected happened. I had been messaging with a guy for about 2 weeks… So, he asked me to meet him for coffee Tuesday evening and I agreed… So, it went really well, and he asked him to dinner this weekend.  Anita this might be a long-term thing.  He has his stuff together and he is not just someone I decide to hang out with because I am lonely and also insecure in general”.

    In the last two days, you shared: “I have continued to see Jason… this guy lives in a really nice house and has a new car… After coffee I met him for dinner, and it went very well.  He said that he likes me/is interested in me… I did ask him a question… ‘What is a negative quality you have and how has that affected relationships?‘…he declined to answer via text…  His response was odd to me, and I was annoyed. The next morning, he wrote saying that because he was poor growing up, he buys things in excess now as an adult.  Also loses interest in those hobbies and wastes money… It’s a possible red flag but is it enough to end things altogether”-

    -now that I understand that this Jason is not the other Jason, I see NO red flag whatsoever about him not answering this unexpected question on text. This question would be difficult for a lot of people to answer because it is distressing to address one’s negative qualities. Answering this kind of question by text is not appropriate. It would take face to face. I am impressed that he answered you the next morning. It indicates to me that he really is interested in you and his answer sounds honest to me.

    You can ask him questions but remember that he has the right to not answer, and he definitely has the right to take his time before answering. After all, you are not a police detective, and he is not a suspect. Plus, it would have been fair if you answered your own question in regard to yourself before asking him the same question. And do it face to face, one question at a time, exchanging answers.

    What is your answer to your own question?

    anita

     

    #390207
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    The approaching holiday has me running around busy.

    So not sure where to start.  First I went to Jason’s house for pizza last night and we talked.   he was definitely putting up a boundary not answering via text the negative qualities question I sent him last week.  Because I am not used to anyone putting up a boundary I was annoyed at first. Later on I thought that maybe my ego was bruised or I felt a little embarassed because it was inappropriate?  I’m struggling for the right word.  But he reminded me that was not the first time I did that.  I agree 100% that the question was not appropriate via text.  We spoke of that along with many other things.

    To be honest I’m not great with this healthy dating thing so far.  I don’t know how to have appropriate boundaries and I get flustered easily to the point he put his hand on my elbow last night when I was struggling to say what time I should leave.  I think I talk too much.  However, I am  not answering any questions about my divorce and why I got divorced or my relationship with my mom etc. I’m not going to sleep with him anytime soon and I’m proud I did not allow that last night because it probably could have happened.

    He got me his favorite book for a Christmas present and I have no idea what I’m doing.  I can’t even keep a schedule together, I forget everything and I have an ancient car that’s always breaking down.  I honestly am not following his feelings LOL.

    Lindsey

    #390208
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    Try to not worry about getting flustered easily, about struggling with what to say or do when you talk with him and spend time with him. Try to be okay with believing that you “not great with this healthy dating thing so far“- you can learn and seems like he likes you just the way you are.  He probably wants to help you to feel more comfortable, so tell him what worries you: he’ll probably be glad to help you feel better, it will probably make him feel good about himself, if he can help you!

    I’m not going to sleep with him anytime soon and I’m proud I did not allow that last night because it probably could have happened“- some men would take advantage of a woman who looks and sounds insecure. I am glad he didn’t!

    anita

     

    #390259
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey: I wish you and your kids a M E R R Y    C H R I S T M A S !!!

    anita

    #390402
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you so much!  I hope you had a Merry Christmas and well and are looking forward to the New Year.  Christmas flew by and the kids enjoyed their presents. They are currently in Florida until January 2nd and then school starts back on January 3rd.

    I am waiting to hear back from the mediator so that we can sign all the paperwork and be done-that is a relief.

    I have something to share with you.  I’m going to try and not be graphic because it deals with sex.  I also hope it is ok to talk about it on this forum.  If not just let me know.

    Things have been going ok with Jason.  However, last night we had dinner and went back to his house and were talking at the table. We went over to the couch and he looked at me and said we need to have an adult conversation. I was taken off guard by this because I’ve never had anyone phrase it like that or ask pointed questions contraceptives and other things.  i was on auto pilot during the conversation.

    He made a comment and I said wait-are you saying we are going to have sex soon?  He goes well yeah. I started to feel pressured right away. I said “but I don’t want to have sex right now.  Are you going to get annoyed if we don’t have sex in a few weeks?  I have no idea when I will be ready.”  He did not confirm he would get annoyed but…..we were doing some things and he asked repeadly to take off an item of clothing and I said no.    we were on the couch in the living room.  People sit on the couch.  I don’t think he is thinking I really like this girl I want to move forward.  I also think he is trying to CONTROL THE SIUTATION.  WE HAVE SEX ON HIS TERMS AND WHEN.

    Number one-I’ve got to have a conversation with him about all this because I was very caught off guard.  I want to have the conversation right now but I delete his phone number after we text so I am not texting or going back over conversations.  Also this is not a conversation to be had on the phone or via text.  So now I have to wait.

    Am i overrating? I’m not sure.  I’m disappointed but think to an extent I put myself in the situation by doing things with him. But isn’t that normal when you have gone out with someone 5 or 6 times?  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to just sit here on my computer all day thinking about it.  I’m really disappointed in general.

    Lindsey

    #390416
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lindsey:

    You are very welcome. Good to read that the kids enjoyed their presents, and I hope that they are enjoying the warmer weather in Florida. I hope the mediation will all be done with by the end of this year!

    I have something to share with you.  I’m going to try and not be graphic because it deals with sex.  I also hope it is ok to talk about it on this forum.  If not just let me know“- I am bracing myself as I continue to read. (I often read and respond to one part of a post before reading the next).

    I just read the rest of your post, and it’s perfectly fine to talk about this here, nothing that you wrote was inappropriate and it is an important topic.

    So, you and Jason had dinner, after dinner went to his house, sitting on the couch he brought up the topic of contraceptives (and STDs, I am guessing). You told him: “But I don’t want to have sex right now.  Are you going to get annoyed if we don’t have sex in a few weeks?  I have no idea when I will be ready“. He didn’t give you a clear answer, but instead the two of you “were doing some things and he asked repeatedly to take off an item of clothing“, and you said “No“.

    – I am assuming that he initiated some sexual play after you told him that you don’t want to have sex right then and there. If my assumption is correct, then it was wrong of him to do so.

    A No is a No, for crying out loud, even if the No is whispered!

    I’ve got to have a conversation with him about all this because I was very caught off guard.  I want to have the conversation right now but… this is not a conversation to be had on the phone or via text.  So now I have to wait“- I know that waiting is difficult for you (and I hope you did wait since you posted this) but got to wait to talk to him about this in-person, not in his house and not in your place. By talking about it, I don’t mean that you should compromise your No, so that he will not get annoyed.

    Here is what I suggest: when you see him next, on a date, before you tell him anything about your position on the matter, ask him about his position in regard to a woman’s No. Ask him if to him a No means a Maybe, or a Yes. Hear what he says. If you are caught off guard by what he says and don’t know what to say next, don’t say much, go straight home after the date, and tell me what he said, will you?

    Am I overrating? I’m not sure.  I’m disappointed… But isn’t that normal when you have gone out with someone 5 or 6 times?“- it is not wrong to want to have sex with a person after 5 or 6 dates, but it is wrong to not respect a person’s No. So, I understand your disappointment.

    If you are sitting at home, extremely distressed and very impatient about talking to him, then you are overreacting, and I wish you calm down. The point is that you will not be back to his couch anytime soon, and not before talking about it with him for as many times as you will need to talk about it!

    anita

    #390417
    lindsey
    Participant

    Anita,

    No I have not reached out to him.  I feel like in the last 2-3 days he has not texted as much.  Honestly I’m starting to think none  of this is worth my time.  I did not think about your statement “no means no.”  But that’s exactly what he was doing.  He would keep at it 2 or 3 times and I would either say no or put my hands over his hands.   My impression was that he was pushing my boundaries…almost like dipping your foot in the water to see if it’s cold.  I will definitely come home and send you a message depending on what he says.

    I’m not anxious or feeling really bad.  I feel conflicted.  If someone was persistent like that with sex are they really interested in ME? Or are they wanting one thing?  Even though he takes me on dates? I have no idea.  I have not heard from him at all today and in the past he has texted by now.  The entire situation seems off to me….What if the person he has acted like until now is not the person he really is?

    Lindsey

     

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