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Am I Evil?

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  • April 23, 2017 at 9:57 pm #146393
    Nobody
    Participant

    Why is it so natural for me to hurt people?

     

    I have no friends. No family. Nobody.

     

    My dad is dead and my mom wishes I were dead. I don’t talk to my mom. I hate my mom. In fact I hate everyone.

     

    I don’t know why I’m like this. It feels awkward and fake for me to try to be nice to anyone. I just feel a deep hatred towards every person I meet. I look for the worst in them. I use this as a reason to hate them. I can never get close to anyone, everyone is the same. They’re all the same.

     

    I don’t feel anything except anger and fear. Those two emotions seem like they dominate me. I’m just so damn angry, but I have no idea why. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of. My mind is just too cluttered to see myself.

     

    Am I crazy? Or just plain evil? I’ve been called a lot of names. Narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, manic. I don’t believe I’m any of these. I feel like it’s the other way around. That everyone is a sociopathic maniac piece of shit. Not me. I just see things. And these things make me angry so I fight them. Maybe I just lost my mind.

     

    Any ways, my point is I’m lost. Lost in my mind. I feel like I should socialize here to maybe better understand myself. To find myself. Because I’m alone. So alone. I have nobody. Never did, never will.

     

    Please, just someone with a sane mind talk to me. Help me.

     

    Thanks.

    April 23, 2017 at 10:29 pm #146395
    Nobody
    Participant

    Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to change.

     

    Maybe it’s that I’m just too comfortable with myself.

    Maybe, maybe I’m the one who’s just the same as everyone else.

     

    Just fucked up like every person on this site. I probably sound the same as them too. With such a fucked up head, I should be in a god damn loony bin along with all these other fuck nuts.

     

    And then there’s Anita. Never seems to give up on trying to help people. The only person on this site that I see consistently replying to every thread in every category to possibly guide people or to listen to them. I don’t know how someone can dedicate so much of their time to dealing with these insane fucks. Or maybe Anita is just as crazy as the rest of us and by helping these people she feels she is helping herself?

    Ha! What even am I saying. Where is this Anita, why isn’t she here already telling me I’m all okay and that I just need to meditate, learn the ways of the buddha and I will be okay. All okay hahaa

    April 23, 2017 at 10:51 pm #146397
    Nobody
    Participant

    Haha maybe I’m the only one here that can fucking help.

     

    Help my fucking self.

     

    Let’s start with a formal letter.

     

    Dear, Mr Fucking Nobody:

     

    You are a impatient mother fucker. Shouldn’t you just go live your insane fucking life instead of asking for help that you’ll never get. You crazy fuck.

     

    Maybe, I was too harsh. Here I’ll make it up to you by expressing what I think.

     

    Death seems peaceful. But of course you’re not suicidal. Of course you feel that by choosing death you are letting all these fuckers succeed over your dead body.

     

    That is not what you want. You want to cause as much pain to all of them before you go. You have to cause damage before you leave. Because of what they have done to you. I mean look at you. You’re a fucking mess held together by silly string. What the fuck does that even mean hahahahaha. I’m pretty funny.

     

    Any ways, back to the point. I understand that you can’t connect to anyone. No matter what. This, I do not understand though. Since I never felt connected to anyone. Or have I? Maybe you don’t feel connected to people. Maybe it’s all in your head. It’s not real.

     

    But is any of this REAL?

     

    Ha! What even is real? Every thing is just a bunch of bullshit lies tied together (by silly string ahhahaa) creating your view of the world.

     

    It actually hurts to laugh. So I’m going to end it short.

     

    Sincerely,

     

     

     

    Mr Fucking Nobody.

     

     

     

    April 24, 2017 at 6:31 am #146413
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Nobody,

    Your fear and your anger are actually coping skills. These two emotions are helping you to survive. Imagine being in an environment all your life where you have to either hide (fear) or attack (anger). What we see is a reflection of our own mental state. First you need to cobble together a Safe Space. Then you need a Friend. Books are great friends. They can’t talk back. Some of my greatest mentors are authors of books who don’t know me at all. Then of course, you need to talk to someone, a real person, who “gets” you, who can lead you forth and show you that the world (some of it, anyway) is not such a bad place.

    Blessings on you,

    Inky

    April 24, 2017 at 7:59 am #146429
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nobody:

    You asked: “Why is it so natural for me to hurt people?”- Because, I believe, you are hurt. A person or persons have hurt you very deeply, over a long period of time.

    You wrote: “my mom wishes I were dead… I hate my mom.”- it is your mother, primarily, who hurt you very deeply and over a long period of time.

    You wrote: “I just feel a deep hatred towards every person I meet. I look for the worst in them.”- you look for the worst in people because you already found the worst in your mother.

    Some others are unkind, even mean, maybe as mean as your mother. But many are not. You naturally project your mother into all.

    You wrote: “I can never get close to anyone, everyone is the same. They’re all the same.”- all like your mother. It is sensible of you to not get close to anyone who will hurt you like she did.

    You wrote: “I’m just so damn angry, but I have no idea why. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of.”- I believe you are angry because you were hurt and you are still hurt. The hurt you experienced as a child is still alive in you (the past is recorded in our brains in the form of thoughts+ feelings intertwined).

    You wrote: “My mind is just too cluttered to see myself.”- fear and anger create a fog in the brain and it is hard to see through that fog.

    You asked: “Am I crazy?”- not yet, I think. It is amazing how much distress and fog a person can experience for such a long time and still not lose touch with much of reality (if the latter is what you mean by “crazy”).

    “Or just plain evil?”- the title of your thread, Am I Evil?- not yet, I think and hope. Not yet and I hope you will not become evil.

    You wrote: “Because I’m alone. So alone. I have nobody. Never did”- your father is dead (maybe he wasn’t there for you when he was alive), your mother turned against you. So you were really alone. You then naturally project (projecting is natural) your mother into other people, automatically. And so, understandably, you are alone.

    You wrote: “Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to change… Maybe it’s that I’m just too comfortable with myself.”- we often don’t want to change. It is a lot of work. However miserable we may be, we … kind of get used to it. This too is natural, part of the physiological principle of homeostasis, keeping things the same, blood sugar, body temperature and mental habits of thinking and feeling.

    You wrote: “Or maybe Anita is just as crazy as the rest of us and by helping these people she feels she is helping herself?”- I was as crazy as you. Not anymore. And yes, I am helping myself.

    You wrote: “Where is this Anita, why isn’t she here already telling me I’m all okay and that I just need to meditate, learn the ways of the Buddha”- this is not my message, I wouldn’t tell you that you just need to meditate.

    This is the starting point of my message to you: please do not use the F word here. Profanity is not congruent with the website’s guidelines. In addition to that you used the F word against yourself and it is wrong to do so. You are not a “F” anything. Talk about yourself respectfully. It is not okay to call yourself names, especially derogatory names, not acceptable.

    You wrote in the letter to yourself: “You want to cause as much pain to all of them before you go. You have to cause damage before you leave”- is that what your mother told you? Is that her voice that is replaying in your brain? Or a conclusion you came up with based on what she said?

    You wrote to yourself: “I understand that you can’t connect to anyone. No matter what. This, I do not understand though. Since I never felt connected to anyone. Or have I?”- yes, you were connected to your mother. You were greatly attached to her, very needy of her, naturally, as children are. This is why it hurt so deeply and so intensely when she betrayed your complete trust in you. When a child looks up to his mother, loving her completely, trusting her to take care of you, but instead she turns against you- what can possibly hurt more.

    You wrote: “Maybe it’s all in your head. It’s not real. But is any of this REAL?”- yes, your experience is real and it is recorded in your brain in the form of intertwined thoughts and feelings, intertwined in neuropathways. And so, the past is kept alive and real in your brain, even though you are not presently in contact with your mother.

    You wrote: “Every thing is just a bunch of bullshit lies tied together (by silly string ahhahaa) creating your view of the world”- correct. What your mother told you was a bunch of bull, lies. And those lies are literally tied together in those neuropathways I mentioned above.

    There is a better life possible for you. Let me know your thoughts/ feelings about this post, will you?

    anita

     

    April 24, 2017 at 10:35 pm #146607
    Nobody
    Participant

    @Anita, I need help with control. I think.

     

    I lose control of myself every so often just like I did when I wrote this thread. Right now, I feel a little better but that’s because I lost control… bad. I was at a friends apartment because I decided that maybe I should go out more and socialize. But that was a terrible idea. I don’t know what happened to be honest, but I lost control. I blacked out and I pulled a knife on my friend, putting it against his neck. I wanted to slit his neck so bad. My other friend who was with us at the time showed me the video of what happened. I saw this but I don’t remember very well. I just felt tense.

     

    But this isn’t the first time I tried to kill someone like this. It’s getting worse though. Like closer and closer to actually committing the deed.

     

    I’m scared now. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know what’s going to come. Maybe he’s going to try to press charges on me or something. I don’t know…

     

    Sorry, I haven’t used the time to let you know my thoughts on your post, for all this drama has left me a bit shaken. But this is the worst of me. I really am psychopathic. It’s not where I want to be though. I want to be in control. Not my anger.

     

    Reply as soon as you can, please.

    Thanks.

     

     

    April 25, 2017 at 12:51 am #146621
    Niyata
    Participant

    Dear Nobody,

    I want to reply to this thread even though I’m not good enough like Anita or inky or many great people who have helped me in this forum.

    I can relate happenings of my life to yours. Believe me nobody has to love you its you who has to feel the love for yourself . Regarding the last post, You dont have to forcefully socialize yourself and dont do when you are already at the verge of anger., whatever silly things things our friends do would trigger the anger more. I have gotten into fist fights in road because i see all the guys who confronts me as my dad i just go out of control. I have thrown stuff at people in fit rage of anger. I have hurt myself physically many times thinking that it would help me release the pain i was holding back then. Its because of the abuse we went through as a child silently ” which Anita had explained elaborately.What i wanted to say is: embrace your anger. its OK to be angry we have been hurt that much  . Its ok if we dont fit in the society we dont have to like everyone we meet. Take time for yourself.  I used to sing as a child i diverted all my energy there and started singing again. To control anger i started jogging (there’s wonderful app called Nike+ which has a inbuilt coach to guide you) because after jogging i wont have energy to fight or feel angry at anyone. I treated myself good like cooking food for myself eating whatever i like. visiting tourist spots alone indulge in nature and i learned to embrace my loneliness. Dont engage in activities which will increase your rage (if it is people avoid people for sometime until you are OK).

    Please come here and write. Venting out helps you think straight.  My warmest hugs to you!

    April 25, 2017 at 1:06 am #146631
    Nobody
    Participant

    @anita I can’t sleep. So I decided to read over your post and take the time to respond.

    I acknowledge that I’m very ignorant. I was ignorant when my father passed because I didn’t want to lose him. I ignored the fact that he was dying. I’m ignorant to everyone’s criticisms.

     

    Any ways, to your post.

     

    It feels  like you got most of it right. But some of your observations were off.

     

    I’ll start with my mother. In my childhood, the only memories I have of her is of her neglect. I remember trying to get her attention but she would just ignore me like I’m some kind of ghost. I could never get her attention unless I did something bad such as  making messes by tearing up stuffed animals or getting in fights with my brother. At times these fights were very serious.

    But for some reason I was always to blame. Always the one getting in trouble. Not to mention I am a middle child. My brothers got everything new while I got hand me downs. I never really got along with them often either. Of course there were times we did get along. But I don’t remember much of those.

     

    Then I went to live with my father.

     

    After the childhood part of my life and I came into adulthood, I moved back with my mother for a change I guess. But then I ended up just fighting with her. I tried to talk to her about how I feel. She’d just say she had worse and make everything about her. So I got mad and told her I’d never talk to her when I’m living on my own. Well, I haven’t talked to her since because she got mad and said that she won’t contribute anything for me ever again, calling me ungrateful.

     

    I’m alone because I don’t have anyone with me that I can talk to. That I feel safe around. I have nobody that I can talk about feelings to.

     

    Now to the part about how I feel that I need to cause damage to everyone around me. This is just how I feel because I feel like it’s revenge. Since it seems to me that everyone around me has hurt me. And wants to hurt me, driving me to the ground. They want me dead.

     

    But most my anger is towards my mother. I feel like she’s the primary reason for my problems. Like she’s going out of her way to ruin me.

     

    I want to apologize for this cluttered way of writing. It’s hard for me to put things clearly. So far this is the best I can do.

     

    I’m really hoping that you can help me, anita.

     

     

    April 25, 2017 at 1:11 am #146633
    Nobody
    Participant

    @Niyata

    Thanks for the advice, but it is common advice. So I have thought about it. But unfortunately it does not help.

     

    For the only way I can help with my anger is by causing pain to someone or damage to something. But it’s only temporally.

    April 25, 2017 at 7:43 am #146653
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Post # 1

    Dear Nobody:

    You wrote regarding my first post to you “It feels  like you got most of it right. But some of your observations were off.”- can you tell me what of my observations were off (I would like to consider correcting them)?

    Regarding your mother you wrote: “I remember trying to get her attention but she would just ignore me like I’m some kind of ghost. I could never get her attention unless I did something bad such as  making messes by tearing up stuffed animals or getting in fights with my brother. At times these fights were very serious.” Very recently the following took place: “I was at a friends apartment… I lost control. I blacked out and I pulled a knife on my friend, putting it against his neck”- it is possible that you are unknowingly still trying to get your mother’s attention by being aggressive/ violent: from tearing up stuffed animals to getting into serious fights with your brother to putting a knife against a friend’s neck recently.

    You wrote: “most my anger is towards my mother. I feel like she’s the primary reason for my problems. Like she’s going out of her way to ruin me” and then you wrote: “it seems to me that everyone around me has hurt me. And wants to hurt me, driving me to the ground. They want me dead”- this is evidence that you are projecting your mother into other people, seeing her in others: “my mom wishes I were dead”, original post, and here: “They want me dead”.

    Regarding the Control issue: you wrote that you “need help with control”, that you lose control of yourself like when you wrote this thread and during the incident with a friend. Reads to me like you didn’t lose total control of yourself: your writings on this thread follow logic and you remember your motivation to hurt your friend when you attacked him. Can you explain more what it means to you to lose control, and what it means to have a “blackout”?

    But this isn’t the first time I tried to kill someone like this. It’s getting worse though. Like closer and closer to actually committing the deed.

    You wrote: “I want to be in control. Not my anger”- I want to move this sentence to a separate post to you, next.

    anita

     

    April 25, 2017 at 8:05 am #146655
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Post # 2

    Dear Nobody:

    You wrote: “I want to be in control. Not my anger”-

    You wrote: “I’m alone because I don’t have anyone with me that I can talk to. That I feel safe around. I have nobody that I can talk about feelings to.”- clearly you need a competent professional to talk to, in person, someone you will feel safe talking to. A competent psychotherapist. And as soon as possible, ASAP.

    You wrote: “I feel that I need to cause damage to everyone around me… I feel like it’s revenge. Since it seems to me that everyone around me has hurt me. And wants to hurt me, driving me to the ground. They want me dead”- it FEELS this way, but it is not true. It is not reality. It only feels this way.

    Not every feeling we have is trustworthy. This one is not. If you do attend competent therapy you will learn which of your feelings to trust and which to not trust and in what context. When you feel someone is trying to hurt you, wanting you dead, ask yourself: is that person holding a weapon? Did that person express an intent to harm me, verbally? Look for EVIDENCE before you trust this feeling.

    You wrote: “the only way I can help with my anger is by causing pain to someone or damage to something. But it’s only temporally”- it is only a temporary relief. And if you hurt someone badly enough, you are likely to end up in jail and prison behind bars for the rest of your life.

    How will it feel being incarcerated, day in and day out with lots of men, a good number of them not strangers to violence, and so, inclined to really hurt you?

    anita

    April 25, 2017 at 5:35 pm #146721
    Karen Murphy
    Participant

    Dear Nobody,

    There’s a Creator who made you and who knows you and everything about you, whom you can spill everything to, and who has power to help and to change you. Are you evil? Yeah, you and everyone else on the planet. None of us gets this thing right, we’re all stumbling along trying to figure things out. People have hurt you, you’ve hurt people, and that’s how it goes in this confused world. But when things don’t go right with something, it’s wise to ask the Manufacturer, and read the manual. There’s help, there’s healing, there’s power to change available to anyone who will go to Him and ask. I did, and He helped me and changed me.

    And I hate that your name here is Nobody. You should change it to Awesome, Unique, Valuable Creation of God, because that’s exactly what you are.

    April 26, 2017 at 2:20 am #146769
    Nobody
    Participant

    @anita

    Honestly, I think I’m actually crazy. I literally lost my mind. Or is it literally because nothing seems real to me. Everything seems subjective. I don’t even know who I am. This make me crazy. I think the fact that I don’t know my own self is what makes me crazy.

    Or maybe I have so many mental illnesses. I have a hard time accepting I have any kind of mental illness.

    Now that I think about it. I think I’m the liar. I’m my own problem. I’ve been blaming everyone but it’s me who’s to blame. I’m crazy and delusional. I’m just too ignorant to see this. So what am I? Who am I?

     

    I got off topic. I’m saying I’m the liar because I keep telling myself lies. I keep telling myself who I think I am and what I think I want. I tell myself that it’s everyone who is hurting me but no. It’s me.

     

    I’m hurting myself. I’m making myself insane. I mean. I’ve always been insane. But I stayed this way and gotten worse because of me. Shit. It’s a paradox of craziness. I’m crazy because I made myself crazy. And I’m too crazy to accept that I’m crazy. Therefore I won’t seek help. So I stay crazy.

     

    But now I accept that I am crazy. But I’m still crazy? I broke the paradox but I’m still the same! I need to stop.

     

    I have lost my mind. This post is just crazy.

     

    Anita, please help me. I don’t want to be like this. Help me before I convince myself that I do.

    April 26, 2017 at 6:36 am #146757
    Rose
    Participant

    Dear Nobody,

    I cried when I went through your post… I found myself there and I understand what you have been going through… You see, nobody, you are not alone in this world. And I believe that there are so many people out there having the same wounds as ours, trying to figure the way out for us… So we are not alone.

    There was a times, I felt exactly the same as you do, I had no one, or exactly, I have family, friends, but no one seemed understand me, no one ever tried to understand me, listen to me… My relationship with my mom was same as yours, I tried so hard to get her attention, I tried so hard to find the love in her eyes when she looked at me, but I couldn’t find it… I just couldn’t understand why my mom didn’t love me, why she trounced me? why she called me a whore? why she said to me that she was sorry to give birth me???… At my 14, I experienced horrible things, I was raped in my own home, I was sold to be a prostitute, and I was given up my first child… I was totally all alone… I hated everyone that push me through these things, and I blamed on my mom a lot, I think I hated her too… Because if she was there, if I could ever talk to her, then probably, things like these won’t happen to me… I tried to kill myself once, and even the death didn’t want me… But it was when I decided that if my life isn’t end, I need to figure out the way for it… I wouldn’t like to make this post about myself, but I just would like to share with you a bit on what I experienced, so that you could have a trust that I could somehow connect to your story, and understand you and what you are going through…

    The tittle of the post you put “Am I evil?”: No, you are not. You might ever hurt people, and you were hurt too. But the fact that you are questioning this, show me a person that having a inclined to the good. We all have 2 side, good and bad within our-self, a lot of times there are fight between 2 side on us… And we do have that power to choice which side to go on with in our lives… You might be lost right now… But I do believe that, the good side in you is stronger in this fight.

    You wrote “Why is it so natural for me to hurt people?”: It’s not truth… The truth is you don’t really want to hurt anyone… You just somehow tried to protect yourself, but I believe, somewhere inside you find that it is not the right way when you are hurting someone. Somewhere inside you, you find that when you are hurting people, you are end up hurting yourself more…

    You want “To be in control, not my anger”: You can do it. I might be wrong, but at least, this was the way I applied to myself, and pull myself through my hard times, with hate and anger… I learnt to forgive. Once you start forgiving, you will start to listen, and to see things differently with how it used to appear to you. It’s not easy. But it’s the way for us to free our-self. We can keep that hate, anger, and then revenge… But then we will always tie our-self on that circle, and can never get out from it. When we forgive, all the hate and anger will also start go away. It’s not easy, because sometimes forgiving might seem to be disadvantage, some people might not really deserve that… But think about it, it’s the best way for a good revenge, because we won’t have to waste our energy to drawn our-self in negative feelings of hating them…

    I think a lot of your emotions, was started from what happened with your mom. You said that you hate her. It’s not truth. You love her so much, that was why you tried so much to get her attention… But then you felt disappointed and upset, because her of her return was never as you expected… And I believe that your love for her is strong enough for you to forgive her, for what she did, and what she will… Probably, at the end, you would see that, your mom, has been also struggling a lot with herself… It can be a frustration on her relationship with your dad, or anything she has to deal with on her daily life as any of us… She was wrong to put it on you, it was unfair to you… I assumed that same as me, you have been also searching if whether your mom love you or not… I could tell you that, yes, she does… And you know that too, but probably ignoring it. The most proven to me, is that, she paid attention to you any times you did something bad… She loves you, might not with the way you would like to, but she does. By believing that truth, probably, you could find it easier to forgive her on what she was wrong… When you start forgiving, anger will start going away, and it’s where could start work on how to win our fear…

    I am not a professional, I am just simple a person that experienced the same pain… And I just hope that it could somehow help you a bit to go through this… And I would really love to have a name to call you instead of “nobody”…

    Warmest hug to you…

    April 26, 2017 at 6:59 am #146797
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nobody:

    You asked: “So what am I? Who am I?” You suggested that you may be crazy, delusional, mentally ill, a liar, guilty (the one to blame), insane.

    This is your second post here. Over three years ago, April 2014, you posted the following:

    “… Maybe there is some handbook about how to live life that I never got…  I feel lost and dumbfounded…      I want to know who I am and my role in life…   There are so many questions that are unanswered.

    I’m currently in high school and I have no idea what I want to do with my life… No idea on how I should move, walk, breath. What are my talents? Why am I here? Again with the questions, the never ending, long lasting, questions. Why can’t I answer them? Why are they important to me? I’m lost.

    …Please. Someone please help me, I feel I might go insane. What am I suppose to do with my life?”

    Please pay attention to the following, reading it while you are as calm as you can be (so to pay attention):

    The help you needed from your early childhood and on, to this very day,  is someone to pay attention to you, to see you, notice, help you understand what you feel, what you need, how to get what you need, how to live. Baby mammals need their mother to teach them (how to get food, how to …live).

    There is  nothing inherently wrong with you: you were not born wrong or defected. You were born into ALONENESS. “No family. Nobody”, you wrote. As a young child, your mother was the most important person to you and she left you ALONE: “the only memories I have of her is of her neglect. I remember trying to get her attention but she would just ignore me like I’m some kind of ghost.”

    As a young adult, you still reached out to her: “I tried to talk to her about how I feel. She’d just say she had worse and make everything about her”- again, she left you ALONE.

    If your mother attended to you with love, if she did her job to connect with you lovingly,  you would have learned how to connect with others in a loving way. But she didn’t teach you love.

    Your mother didn’t teach you how to live life for your benefit. But she did teach you something: she ignored you and rejected you, and so she taught you to ignore and reject yourself.

    Again: she ignored you and rejected you, and so you learned to ignore yourself and reject yourself. And so, you lived your life so far with that teaching. This teaching and this life brings the distress, the confusion, the going crazy experience that has been your life for so long.

    It is impossible, IMPOSSIBLE for a child to grow up to be well, healthy, loving without being treated with love first. And you were not loved yet.

    Please let me know what you think/ feel at this point.

    anita

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