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Am I gay or am is this an intrusive though

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  • #373673
    Tristan
    Participant

    Hi,

    im a 16 year old male and have recently started questioning my sexuality. I have never once thought that I would be gay. I have many friends of the same sex and never had a crush or looked at them in a sexual way. Until recently I was playing this game with a girl later I find out she’s a guy. At first I was like that’s groos and I unfiended him. Then all of a sudden I’m like wait am I gay did I like this person. I’m really scared because I’ve never thought about another guy like that but recently my head is saying your gay. I can’t get it out of my bad I’m really confused because I’ve always liked women and now my head is saying that I’m gay and I actually liked that person. I start to pay attention to see how I act and watch porn to see if I’m straight or gay. Not once have I thought that i would want to do that with another man, but now my head is saying that once I come out then I will like it. The idea of doing sexual things to another guy kind of disgust me. I don’t feel like I’m gay this was really sudden like literally out of no where. Now I feel like I’m being tricked by my own brain thinking that I might be gay. The problem is never have I thought about being with another man or doing sexual things. But now since my head is telling me that I’m gay I’m really scared that I actually am. Sometimes I feel like crying and sometimes I barely eat because of this. I can’t concentrate on school because of this. The only thing I want to do is sleep because that’s when I don’t have those thoughts. Then as soon as I wake up i have those thoughts. I’m reason but other people post about this and articles saying that I might have HOCD. Sometimes I’m so busy with life that these thoughts go away and I’m not paying attention to how I act and I’m not checking out other men to see my reactions. But then my head is like wait am I gay and I go through this loop. I was fine for a few days like maybe a week and then I started to doubt myself again and still can’t get this question out of my head. The other thing is I’ve also felt very lonely for the past few months before this started I would cry because I wanted a girlfriend and that I felt like I as invisible. I would litterally cry for days because I wanted a girlfriend and someone there to comfort me. I read this post saying that this person felt the same way but he ended just being lonely like I was and said not mistake that feeling. I still can’t get the thought out of my head though. I don’t see myself doing any sexual with another man or even dating another man. My head just says what if I’m gay and I actually want to. Deep down I feel like I’m straight because I have nerves once thought about being gay. I feel like I’ve said the same thing over and over in this post. But I do know this I want to have a girlfriend and wife later on in my life. I also want kids but my head can’t let go of the idea that I’m gay. Can you guys please let me know if this is just anxiety or am I bi or what is this.

    #373696
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tristan:

    What you described very much reads like a disease of fear that is attached to thinking, aka OCD: “all of a sudden I’m like wait am I gay did I like this person”- all of a sudden, two thoughts occurred to you: am I gay? Did I like this person?

    Instantaneously, you felt “really scared”- fear quickly attached itself to these two thoughts. Because of that fear, you “barely eat.. can’t concentrate on school”. As soon as you wake up, you “have those thoughts” plus the fear that is attached to them.

    If fear did not attach itself to these two thoughts, then those two thoughts were free to become long gone, forgotten, like so many of your other thoughts.

    “Can you guys please let me know if this is just anxiety or am I bi or what is this”- how many times did you post this question on HOCD/ public forum sites, what answers did you get, and how did you respond to the answers you received?

    anita

     

    #373699
    Tristan
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for responding yes it’s true this question really sacres me. I can’t concentrate on anything because I feel like I need reassurance. I haven’t posed on other forums because something similar to this has happened to me. I had great anxiety a few years ago thinking there was something wrong with my health I was really sacred but over time it faded away. This feels similar to this but for some reason I can’t let go of these thoughts.

    Tristan

    #373701
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tristan:

    When you thought something was wrong with your health, what thoughts went through your mind and what reassurance did you look for at the time?

    Did you receive a reassurance from a doctor that you were healthy, and that resolved your fear over your health?

    anita

    #373702
    Tristan
    Participant

    Reading through what i posted I wanted to clarify in more detail what I’m feeling and thinking. When it gets really bad I can’t concentrate on anything but that question. I don’t feel hungry, thirsty, or even tired. I just get really worried and I’m like what if I am actually gay. When I get reassurance from something it doesn’t last very long but i was reading that people suffering for OCD reassurance doesn’t help for long because the question comes back. To be more clear how this started like I mentioned I was playing with someone I thought was a girl later found out she was a boy. At first I was like that’s weird and disgusting and stopped talking then. I started to ask the question am I gay but later dismissed as that’s not true that wouldn’t make any sense. Later the question kept coming back and I couldn’t dismiss the question and its bothered me ever since. I’m really scared that i might be gay but I’ve never thought about any man like that so it doesn’t make sense. It’s really scary and that’s pretty much what I’m going through.

    #373703
    Tristan
    Participant

    Anita,

    yes my parent took me to see a doctor. My doctor said there was zero chance of me dying that was enough reassurance that u was fine. But a few years later it came back during summer and I felt the same way again. The thing that I’m going through now reminds me of this. Like written this right now I feel reassured I’m not gay thanks to your first post but the problem is i question myself more and more and that’s when it get really bad again.

    #373706
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tristan:

    “my parents took me to see a doctor. My doctor said there was zero chance of me dying that was enough reassurance”.

    Fast forward, now you are afraid that you are gay, and you are thinking: either you are gay or you suffer from anxiety and OCD.

    Why don’t you go to see a doctor and be checked for anxiety and OCD? If a competent doctor diagnoses you with an anxiety disorder/ OCD, then you will get the professional reassurance that you need now. What do you think?

    anita

    #373709
    Tristan
    Participant

    I would want to the only problem is I’m not comfortable telling anyone about this. That’s why I came in here to see if anyone has had similar experiences.

    #373713
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tristan:

    You wrote regarding seeing a doctor: “I would want to, the only problem is I’m not comfortable telling anyone about this”-

    – do you mean you are more uncomfortable about about telling a medical doctor (or a psychotherapist) about this, in the confidential setting of a professional visit than you are experiencing this: “I feel like crying.. I barely eat.. I can’t concentrate on school.. as soon as I wake up, I have those thoughts… it gets really bad”?

    anita

     

    #373714
    Peter
    Participant

    “Yes, I am a prisoner of sorts, but my prison isn’t the house. It’s my own thoughts that lock me up!” ― <span class=”authorOrTitle”>V.C. Andrews</span>

    Hi Tristan

    I used to watch a show ‘Dog Whisperer’. One of the lessons that stuck with me had to do with dogs that would get fixated on a object or some such. These are the dogs that will bark and bark at something that more often then not was no longer there, the person or squirrel having long moved on.  The surprising thing was that often all it took to break the dog out of this abusive state was a tap on its neck. The lesson? To break from a obsessive thoughts look away.

    I know easier said then done?  perhaps, we work for that which no work is required…

    I’ve know some people who pluck a elastic band around their wrists to distract themselves when they notice a intrusive thought taking them down the ‘rabbit hole’.  Often the intrusive thought becomes obsessive because of the ‘what if’ game we play with ourselves and always imagining the worst followed by more what if’s and more imagining… If you find yourself playing this game remind yourself that most of the things you worried about never happened and if they did you handled it. You have, if you look back, always handled things even the ones you didn’t enjoy. Sometimes well some times not as well but your still here and maybe even learned a few things…  Remind yourself that most of your fears turned out to be False Evidence Appearing Real (F.E.A.R.)

    Mindfulness is a good tool to have in ones back pocket. As part of the practice we remind ourselves we are not our thoughts, we have thoughts, we are not our feelings we have feelings, we are not our jobs, we have jobs, we are not our relationships, we have relationships… (We aren’t even our sexual preferences or gender…)

    Imagine the Intrusive thoughts as being the weights you might use to exercise with to get stronger, the noticing of the Intrusive thoughts a opportunity to practice detaching your sense of self from them.

    If you search Tiny Buddha Intrusive thoughts you will find quite a few blogs and posts on the issue that may be helpful to you. You are not alone

    #373717
    Tristan
    Participant

    Anita

    The problem is I’m only 16 I would need to tell someone to pay or set up an appointment for me and I don’t feel comfortable telling my parents.

    Tristan

    #373718
    Tristan
    Participant

    Peter

    thank you so much. I really appreciate the advice you have given me. I agree it’s easier said than done and I will keep at it.

    Tristan

    #373720
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tristan:

    You don’t have to tell your parents the exact nature of your intrusive thoughts, just tell them that you have intrusive thoughts that bother you a whole lot. You can tell them that you are too uncomfortable to tell them what those thoughts are, and/ or that these thoughts are similar in nature to the intrusive thoughts you had about your health a few years ago.

    In the office with a medical doctor or a psychotherapist, what you tell him or her is confidential, it stays between you and the professional.

    anita

    #373721
    Tristan
    Participant

    Anita

    i can try my best but I feel like my parent would judge me or think I’m weird because of this.

    #373749
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tristan:

    I hope your parents will be empathetic toward you instead of judging you. Explain to them best you can that you have intrusive thoughts that bother you a lot and you would like to see a doctor or a psychotherapist so to not suffer anymore from those intrusive thoughts. Don’t tell them exactly what those thoughts are. The goal is for you to get the help that you need.

    anita

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