Hi all! I would first like to thank everyone on TinyBuddha for creating such inspiring contents and sharing so many stories. As the title suggested, I have recently gone through a difficult end to a relationship I cherished, and this website has helped me a lot in helping me calm myself. Since this is a secretive same-sex relationship, I couldn’t confide in my friends or family (she specifically asked me not to do so). I would like to share my story with and seek advice/comments from the community. For now let’s name the other person in this story “Y”.

Y and I are both young females in our early twenties. We met in school as friends 5 years aho, developed a very deep, loving and exclusive relationship, but recently she began wanting to start dating a male friend she met through work. She wants me to accept it and let her go, but doesn’t want me to distant myself from her. Here’s the story.

Throughout the 5 years, we were extremely close emotionally. In the past 4 years we were mostly in a long-distance relationship since I was studying abroad. Whenever I come home for the holidays we meet almost everyday, minus the time we spend with other friends and family – that’s how much we loved being with each other. We engage in sexual (but not penetrative) activities. We never ‘officially’ came out or dated, but we both enjoyed having each other by our sides, travelling, hanging out, having sleepovers etc. together. She says she will eventually want a baby, but she also wants to be with me until the day she dies (exaggeration much?).

But things changed quickly. About 1.5 months ago she first mentioned this guy from her new job, in whom she felt she has an interest, and 2 weeks later they began going on dates. After she told me about this, I gave my blessing (painfully!); but as they got closer, I felt replaced, frustrated, sad and confused. I felt I have no right to feel this way, because Y and I were never in an ‘official’ relationship to start with. They are not boyfirneds/girlfriends yet, and she told me one of the big reasons was that she feels guilty towards me, and couldn’t move further witht that guy because she knows I am upset. I told her not to worry and that she should stop imagining me as a barrier to their relationship. I was encouraging about her trying out with this guy, but also that I need time to sort out my feelings. Here comes the part which troubles me to this day: frustratingly, she doesn’t want me to get away from her.

After she started seeing this guy, she continues to make plans with me, telling me she wants to see me. In the past she has always come around to my house (my family knows her quite well, but they didn’t know we were physically intimate) for dinners and sleepovers. Initially after the ‘breakup’, I turned her down, saying I don’t feel comfortable yet. However, after asking a few times I said ok to her – because I genuienly cherished the deep connection and friendship we had, and felt it was unneccesary to push her away like this, no matter how hurt I was feeilng. She came over once or twice every week. Once or twice we briefly talked about her new relationship, and other times we became phyiscally again (cuddling, kissing, fingers involved). After the ‘sex’ she says ‘perhaps this is just the way we get along, I really enjoy being with you and can never lose you’. I had mixed feelings – I enjoy the sexual parts (I have strong sexual desires) but am trying really hard to detach from her emotionally. She felt my deliberate distancing and often tries to reconnect.

Recently I started planning my postgrad studies and work (abroad again). Upon hearing about this, she got very upset, saying she doesn’t want me to move away and be alone and without her taking care of me. She wants us to be within reach, so that whenever I got stressed and upset she could cuddle/be here for me. I know she is genuine in her intentions in ‘looking after’ me – that’s the way she has always been, very warm, caring and loving. I am quite certain about my future plans and my determination to stop being emotionally dependent on her, so that I can get on with my life and avoid inflicting further injuries.

The past month has been extremely painful. I was very jealous and angry (not outwardly), but after a lot of reflection and soulsearching, and through browsing websites like TinyBuddha I feel much calmer and peaceful now. I am hopeful about my future and enjoy much support from my friends and family. The only thing frsutrating me is my unfinished relationship with Y. I value her as a friend, but I can no longer feel safe in being emotionally connected with her. I loved her very much, to the point that I was happy to be with her for the rest of my life. But my lingering jealousy and sadness makes it very difficult for me to accept her and her new relationship wholeheartedly. I am not sure how to maintain this friendship without getting myself hurt.

To sum up: she wants to remain phyiscally and emotionally close with me. Part of me thinks that’s ok, part of me is still not over her and still feel pain about her new love interest. It’s like a tug of war between the rational, logical me, and the emotional attachment and love for her. I am consicously detaching myself from her (eg. she texts me about little things in her daily life, but I only occassionally and politely reply to her when she starts asking where I am). I don’t want her to be upset, but I also want to acknowledge the feelings and vulnerability I am going through, and to protect myself from further injuries.

Thank you so much for reading – typing these out has given me a clearer picture of my narrative of the relationship. It is an unusual case, and I understand it may be confusing for some. Any comments/sharing/questions are warmly welcomed.