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Anita – how do I find my joy again?

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  • #358881
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita,

    I just have to share this with you before clocking off for today. I think it’s a lovely song and has always moved me, but it now takes on such importance, an importance I still have to learn more about.  I was apparently actually supposed to be called Juanita but my mother changed her mind at the last minute.   Juanita

    “Juanita” by Shania Twain

    She is the restless river running through my veins
    She rides without the reins; her name’s Juanita
    She lives in the heart of every woman in the world
    Within the reach of every girl who wants to meet her

    (She’s gonna be ridin’ through)
    Her name’s Juanita
    (She’s gonna be ridin’ free) She’s ridin’ free
    (She’s gonna be inside of you) She’s inside of you
    (Gonna be inside of me) And inside of me, yeah

    Oh, go with her, flow with her
    Dream with her, scream with her
    Let her take over, or just get to know her
    Be everything you can be
    If you can find her and free her
    Juanita will unchain your heart

    When someone tries to take away the freedom of your choice
    To take away your voice, that’s when you need her
    She’s there if you dare to give your broken wings a try
    Come on and take a leap and fly, and you can be her

    (She’s gonna be ridin’ through) Oh, Juanita
    (She’s gonna be ridin’ free) Ridin’ free
    (She’s gonna be a part of you) She’s a part of you
    (Gonna be a part of me) And a part of me, yeah

    Oh, go with her, flow with her
    Dream with her, scream with her
    Let her take over, or just get to know her
    Be everything you can be
    If you can find her and free her
    Juanita will unchain your heart

    Oh, go with her, flow with her (Juanita)
    Dream with her, scream with her (Juanita)
    Let her take over, or just get to know her
    Be everything you can be

    Oh, go with her, flow with her (Juanita)
    Dream with her, scream with her (Juanita)
    Let her take over, or just get to know her
    Be everything you can be

    Oh, if you can find her and free her
    Juanita will unchain your heart.

    #358882
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Juanita:

    It is a beautiful song and it brought the first smile of the day to my face, a huge and long-lasting smile. Thank you!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by .
    #358941
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita,

    these are my initial reactions and thoughts noted in the order of your paragraphs.  I have italicised whole phrases from your post.  Going through all this has caused a volcano of anger and revolutionary feelings to begin to seethe in my depths!

    Feeling caged in my parents’ home:  I might not have thought to use that metaphor before, but, yes, I felt utterly caged in my life there because I was made to feel very unwelcome and unwanted and yet had nowhere else to go.  I also lacked intellectual challenge at school and by the time I was 8 I saw my life as a prison sentence ahead of me.  I focussed ever more upon reading and had read whole sets of encyclopaedias and Greek, Roman and Norse mythology before I was 10.  Writing this to you, I realise that the lack of real-world challenge and educational support caused me to retreat into inner fantasy worlds where I could both escape the misery and try to find something interesting.  Now I can also see a comparison to those “magnificently powerful wild animals” which become apathetic in captivity and thus seem weak, and my own power and intellect which intimidated both my parents and my teachers.  (I can’t say I see myself as especially intelligent though as I haven’t succeeded much in life, I was just too intelligent for their comfort evidently.)

    My father once said to me in my adult years, “You are a frighteningly powerful woman”.  Just because I faced difficult situations without flinching.

    The metaphor of the caged life: pointless hoping, stuck in dysfunctional relationships, generally stuck, stagnation, compromises, unlived life, paralysis.

    Fear to leave the cage!  Yes.  Sadly this is also true.

    Still obeying mother’s rule of silencing my truth. Yes.  I think I have been eternally waiting for permission to live my powerful self.  I can feel fog around this still.  I was precisely either ignored or attacked when I spoke.

    Continued contact with my mother makes my exit from the cage highly improbable: not nice to hear, but good to be aware of.  My first reaction is that I believe I can free myself by awakening my wild power to life.  I realise this is an emotional process though, not just done by having the thought.  The second aspect is that it would cause my sister great heartache as she lives with my parents.  She has already suffered horrendous difficulties and is in a very bad way, so that I fear she will not live a long life.  I just couldn’t do that to her.

    The price of being a part of my family has been to lie and to tolerate lies: no wonder I have always felt so confused and insecure about how to communicate with people!  This is obviously a big issue which I need to work on.

    I have already survived so much (survived life in the cage):  correct.  Realising now that all my suffering took place inside the cage gives me the sudden and new perspective that if I have had the strength and stamina to survive all that whilst at my weakest, how much could I achieve if I were to take all the risks and losses involved in embracing my wild power??  That is a very motivating perspective.

    The happy ending is exiting the cage, but I am still the same child afraid to be left alone by her family:  YES – how to resolve this?  I am afraid to be all alone in the world.  Obviously the world is overpopulated, so hardly empty, but the fear is that no-one is there for me / who is interested in me.  Which, as I write those words, is utterly illogical because my parents have never been there for me or interested in me!  My sister has been supportive in the past and is being very supportive since I separated from my husband.

    Your creativity is your magnificent, wild power: I knew an artist who was totally free in living her immense powerfulness and her creativity; she was a larger-than-life person.  A lot of people disliked and distrusted her because of this, but I could see they were just projecting their own negatives upon her, or jealous, because she was the most generous and kind person and never used her power to dominate others – she was too busy having fun!  She was just too powerful for many to take.  She had been encouraged in her power by both her parents, so she had no conflict with it and just let the others be.

    I need to open up to feel more clearly and truly grasp consciously that all this lack of joy and motivation, sometimes lack of energy too, is my suppressed creativity, aka the apathetic, hopeless wild animal who has given up believing in his own magnificent wild power.  This is so amazing to realise, and so important.   I feel I want to work with this aspect first, using imagery.

    You want your mother on your side, so you remove the competition: DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!!!   I have to learn to damn well finally overcome the hope and belief that I could ever receive love from her (which should be evident whilst writing all this!)

    I could never bring myself to feel motivated to climb any kind of worldly career ladder: in reading your explanation, understanding my fear of slamming that door, never to be able to return – yes, I can totally see that.  I also see it as a repeat of the competition situation, regarding both parents, as both felt intimidated by me, though for my mother it was about competition and about low self-esteem for my father.  So being a “failure” in life ensures they don’t have to feel uncomfortable to an even greater extent (this makes me feel so angry!).  My mother often comments that they never talk about me with their friends “because of my life circumstances” (i.e. being a failure).  It’s a double-edged sword – you are criticised if you are nothing they can brag about, yet you mustn’t be too powerful either.

    Actually, thinking about this, I will never find any joy in my life as long as I am suppressing myself, keeping myself small in order to not “threaten” their limitations, projections, illusions, etc.  Whether on a career ladder or being self-employed.  Maybe this is why I avoided both all the promotions I could have had, but also the expansion of my own business?  It also just comes to me that my husband demonstrated a mixture of both envy (competition) and unfavourably comparing himself (low self-worth) to me when I had my business.  Looking at his behaviour, I’d say he was plain sabotaging me all along.

    Another thing comes to mind: when I became extremely depressed (2017-19) I always sensed that both my husband and my family actually wanted to keep me in passivity.  But I doubted my perceptions as it didn’t make sense to me, because my instinct is always to try and help others to their independence and their own power.  But I now suddenly have the image of the petty triumph of those who cage wild animals!  As if by imprisoning that power, they could transfer it to themselves.  This also brings to mind a visit by some frenemies once when I was very ill.  I clearly perceived how they literally gloated at seeing me so weak.

    This is also interesting (despite being about astrology): according to the ancient far-east Asian tradition, female babies with my particular astrological data were always killed at birth, because it was said they would never be submissive to men, and were so powerful that they were dangerous to society (i.e. as powerful or more powerful than men!)  This has been practised even up to modern times.  Some mothers therefore hid their babies or gave them away to save them.

    Being voiceless:  I regularly literally completely lost my voice as a child, often for weeks at a time.  It stopped as I came into puberty and could leave the house (cage) for longer.

    Her rules are the walls and bars that keep you in the cage. Got to break her rules so that you can exit that cage, and make your own rules as a free woman: what a horrible thought, still being imprisoned by my mother’s poisonous behaviour and words – not good.  I think I am now ready to tear those walls down.  Small words for much work ahead.

    Living in a cage does not allow you a free flow of energy, and in some major areas, your energy is blocked because of living in a cage. This blockage makes it difficult or impossible to accurately evaluate some situations and people: that is so interesting and explains so much!  I must work to amplify my awareness and understanding of this.

    Crushed and Caged.  I suppose that’s how your mother treated/ is treating you still to one extent or another: treating you like you were the opposition that needs to be crushed/ caged – yes!!!  This has to be the best description ever of the essence of how it feels.  A boyfriend I had once challenged her and asked why she treated me differently to my sister and she said, “because Juanita was always too independent”.

    Obviously a child is extremely dependent so that was blatantly not true.  I experienced having no choice but to fend for myself.  I interpret being “too independent” as not letting myself be so easily crushed and controlled as my sister.

    In the cage, you are not powerful. In the cage, you are Crushed and Caged.  Maybe others experience that [wild] power in you as well, at times. But this power has been generally restrained and therefore not available for you to use for the purpose of freeing yourself from the cage.  It now comes to me that the people who found me too powerful perhaps sensed the undercurrent of power within me and were of similar personality types to my mother, wanting to crush it in me.  There were also a few who pretended to be interested in me, but who consequently abused me, which is also a way the powerless like to get a power trip.  Again the image of self-glorification at having caged (disempowered) the wild animal.

    We humans have the option to initiate and create a new normal for ourselves, but it is very difficult because our animalistic instinct is to maintain the same old normal for the rest of our lives.  I hope there is nevertheless a margin for hope!

    1. Develop tools and a plan to deal with the fear involved in exiting the old normal/ family role/ the cage. This step needs both more time than I have now for the work, but also for consideration. But I am certainly very motivated after going through the above points.
    2. End all unnecessary contact … I have very little contact anyway, mainly my sister, occasionally my father, 1-2 yearly my mother.  I have only seen my parents once in seven years and I cannot afford to visit them, so I doubt I’ll see them in the next years either.  But as I already expressed, I feel unable to cause my sister any more distress than she has already been through.   I don’t have contact to any other family members who are involved in this dynamic.

    I will separately post a list of wild animal and natural instinct connections which came to mind.

    Dear Anita, I cannot thank you enough for having taken the time to bring all these aspects together.  It feels very powerful to see all the connections and I feel as if the cage door has swung open and I am ready to leave.

    I am hurrying a little now as I have to go out, but I feel so moved by this new world awaiting me, I had to write!  At least I should have less interruptions at the weekend.

    Juanita

    #358942
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita,

    I have made myself a copy of the text I originally wrote to another participant about the caged animal.  Here are the images which arose after reading your text regarding

    cage / wild animal / power symbolism

    The first thing which came to mind was the black panther: I was visiting a friend and was taken to a small, local circus when I was about 13.  It was a small tent with three big cats on high stools.  I only remember the black panther with blue eyes.  Its presence was so immense, its dignity, beauty, power, perfection, and I believe also a high conscious awareness, at least I felt I could sense this – it was in total contrast to the whole human show around it and revealed it in all its pathetic ridiculousness.  It was so humiliating to those animals and I swore I would never go to a circus or zoo again.  I have never forgotten it.

    Dolphins in a disco: on the same visit to my friend, I was also taken to a disco bar where the back wall of the dance floor was a high glass wall looking into a dolphinarium.  I was so distressed as I could feel how terrible it was for the dolphins to have that music reverberating through the water all the time.  The pool was also far too small.  I felt again that the dolphins had a higher consciousness than the people.

    Circuses generally: I was first taken to a circus when I was four and I hated it and cried all the way through and never wanted to see another one

    I love watching youtube videos of animal communicators helping horses out of their anger or apathy.  It makes me happy and sad at once.

    In the film “The Girl and the Fox” (which is very beautiful to watch) the little girl befriends a wild fox and takes it to see her bedroom.  When the fox realises it is trapped in a room, it jumps through the window and nearly dies of its injuries.  That moment in the film resonated deeply with me and has never left me.

    At a time in my life when I was most balanced, I regularly experienced that wild animals and birds would come right up to me in nature or continued w. their business although I was very close

    I have taken soooo…. many photos of gardens and orchards (the life I wanted) behind gates & fences

    I always felt unbearably “closed in” when working in offices and “artificial” spaces and had to continually suppress the urge to run

    A past partner actually put bars on all the doors & windows of the house & I literally felt in prison

    I felt very oppressed in my parent’s home, my bedroom window was very close to a high wall, I could only see a sliver of sky

    I felt very trapped in the home I had with my husband because of carrying the financial burden alone, & also being surrounded by vindictive neighbours on all sides.

    –  I have been amazed by the continuous repeat of motif throughout my life.  Goodness me!  This is really something!

    Juanita

    #358954
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Juanita:

    I read both of your recent posts. There is so much in my previous post to you and particularly in your first post responding to mine, that I cannot address all in this post. Here and in general, let’s address this or that  in any one post and return to any other item at any time. Feel free to point to any particular item that I don’t address in any one post, and I will address it in the next post.

    “now that all my suffering took place inside the cage gives me the sudden and new perspective that I have had the strength and stamina to survive all that whilst at my weakest, how much could I achieve if I were to… embracing my wild power?? That is a very motivating perspective”- fear itself is a wild power, very powerful in the wilderness. Surviving a cage is very different from escaping a cage: the first, however difficult and miserable, is very common, the second is rare.

    As you feel your own power, don’t underestimate the power of fear itself. Faced with fear, most people choose the cage. Like your sister who still lives with her mother. She chooses the very same cage she’s lived in from the beginning (?)

    You wrote that you are “afraid to be all alone in the world” if you exit the (mental) cage where you are stuck with your parents, even though your parents “have never been there” for you.  Remember the baby birds you saved? For them, you were there for them simply because you fed them. From the human baby/ young child’s perspective, the parent is there for the child simply because she feeds the child and keeps her warm and dry, that’s all it takes. The fear of being alone is based on your very early experience with your parents, feeding you, changing you and touching you in the process, keeping you warm and dry.

    1. You wrote that both parents felt intimidated by you. When you get the chance, can you elaborate on that: at what age were you when you believe either one of your parents was intimidated by you, and what did they actually say or do that led you to believe that they are intimidated by you?

    2. “my family actually wanted to keep me in passivity”: who in your family, both parents, sister, anyone else in the family?

    3. You quoted me (italicized) and added: “Crushed and Caged.. treating you like you were the opposition that needs to be crushed/ caged– yes!!! This has to be the best description ever of the essence of how it feels”- can you tell me more about how specifically your mother treated you like you were the opposition, how she tried to crush you, and separately  how she managed to more thoroughly crush your sister (what did she actually say and do to you and to your sister)?

    anita

    #358970
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita,

    I am fine that we cannot tackle all the aspects mentioned in one go.  I can feel how important this wild power imagery is for me so I am happy to be simply beginning to address it in any way, and it is interesting for me to see what you see as worthy of focussing upon from your stance as a more neutral observer.

    When you say I shouldn’t underestimate the power of fear itself, I am not sure how to interpret your tone in this.  I find you are making a very valid point which I must remain aware of if I am to realistically make my escape, but I am not sure if you are telling me it is virtually impossible and I shouldn’t get my hopes up?

    I am very sad about my sister still being so extremely enmeshed with my parents but I could never break through the stronghold my mother has over her although I always tried since being very small (making me even more unpopular).  I had more contact with my sister during the years she was living alone but I believe my mother discouraged this once she returned to live with them because the contact stopped very suddenly and I am hardly ever able to speak to my father or sister without my mother listening in the background.  Though they all monitor and control one another really.  I could always see that my sister was not free to be herself but I didn’t realise how my physical distance was still not enough for me to be free myself.  I am becoming very aware of that now.

    Being all alone in the world is a fear I have felt, and which has often been associated with sticking with bad relationships in my past, rather than being alone.  But I am willing to learn how to move beyond this because I can see that it is all part of my old childhood experience of the world, and only assures more bad associations and pain.  I feel motivated by imagining that I can make new friendships with positive people as I move away from my old mindset – I think this is what would happen anyway!  Or is this too unrealistic to hope for?  Did I get my hopes up too soon?

    I have to mow my lawn now before the mosquitoes start coming out in force, I will answer your three questions when I get back in the house.

    Juanita

     

     

     

     

     

    #358973
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Juanita:

    “When you say I shouldn’t underestimate the power of fear itself, I am not sure how to interpret your tone in this… I am not sure if you are telling me it is virtually impossible and I shouldn’t get my hopes up?”- you are very attentive, in an emotional way, I am impressed.

    What I meant is not that it is impossible to permanently leave the mental cage you are in. It is possible. What I felt when I wrote that to you was fear, fear that you underestimate how difficult it is, and that if you underestimate it, you will rush, leave the cage and trip then  fall, and stay down, so to  speak. I want you to take measured steps in that process, slow, aware.

    So, no it is not unrealistic to hope for moving away from your old mindset. Mosquitoes here too, got to use bugs spray whenever I am out.

    anita

    #359001
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita,

    I understand now, and I thank you for caring!  I really appreciate you looking out for me, and also teaching me how to be more careful and caring of myself on my journey.  It feels really good to learn to be attentive to myself.  I am noticing that my hyper-focus upon others seems to be balancing out with more focus upon myself, which is also calming.

    You need not worry that I would stay down though, even if I fall.  I wish I could upload a picture I have: it is of a frog which has been caught by a heron, but the heron can’t swallow the frog because the frog is squeezing his “hands” around the bird’s neck – and the motto is “Never give up!”  That’s me.

    Since you gave me the poem “Hokusai says”, I have felt a lot more content because I realised I had forgotten to be appreciative of all that I already have.  I also don’t feel as strongly driven to find a vocation because I realised that “vocation” bordered on being a concept which was partly due to feeling a failure, which I also no longer feel in such intensity.  I am enjoying that my life has meaning to me in the little moments, which makes my life feel much more valuable, even though I still don’t have anything more to demonstrate this to others than last week, but I feel much more peaceful within me.

    Therefore, I am also both eager to learn more about living my creativity /wild power and freedom, but at the same time I am happy to include this as part of my journey now, however long that may take.  As long as it is possible and I’m not being unrealistic then I’ll begin taking steps in that direction.

    I do naturally find this whole theme of wild power and freedom very exciting and motivating, but although I feel the need to quickly come to an understanding and overview in my mind, I’m not generally so speedy when it comes to taking action.  I find there are very complex and multi-faceted themes here which I have barely scratched the surface of, so I will need time to go into greater depth before I consider which kind of action I want to take.

    The one thing which really appealed to me immediately is “simply” to work with the image (literally, through art) of the apathetic caged wild animal as a metaphor for my “caged” creativity.  I can feel how this touches something deep within, but too deep or as yet distant to reach with words and thoughts, but I feel I might be able to make an initial contact through art.

    I would love to have answered the remaining 3 questions you asked but I am going to have to go to bed now as I have to be up very early.  I think I am around 9 hours ahead of you.  I didn’t get too bitten by the mozzies, just one very burning one on my ear.  I don’t have any spray left so I had to do a dash around the garden.  Worked out okay.  My little cat is feeling a lot better now and she was racing around me whilst I was mowing.  She always reminds me how important playing is!

    Juanita

    .

    #359004
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Juanita:

    I read some of your post, I like what you wrote. You are welcome and thank you for being kind and gracious and understanding. I am not focused enough this late afternoon, so tired. I am looking forward to return to your thread tomorrow morning, in about 14 hours from now.

    anita

    #359034
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Juanita:

    “my hyper-focus upon others seems to be balancing out with more focus upon myself, which is calming”- excellent.

    I like the frog and heron imagery. And I am building on it: the heron caught the frog, the frog is squeezing his “hands” around the bird’s neck, so the bird can’t swallow the frog. What’s next? Is the frog still there in the heron’s “hands”? Squeezing the heron’s neck, then letting go, the heron recovers, then tries to swallow the frog again, the frog then squeezes and so on and on (that’s a successful survival in the cage), or does the frog frees herself from the heron altogether, gets away (that’s a successful leaving of the cage and slamming the door behind).

    Good to read that you like Hokusai says and that you “don’t feel as strongly driven to find a vocation” . I used to think that I have to do something great in my life, take on a vocation that will bring society to acknowledge me as valuable,  and then.. I will be valuable. When all along, I am valuable simply because I am.

    “I do naturally find this whole theme of wild power and freedom very exciting and motivating.. I’m not generally so speedy when it comes to taking action”. Earlier you wrote about the “magnificently powerful wild animals’ which become apathetic in captivity and thus seem weak”-

    Let’s look at wild animals in nature, not in captivity: their power is limited and they are aware of it. A lioness for example, she looks very powerful, but she doesn’t feel that powerful. She is aware that her power is limited. When she chooses an animal to chase for food, she chooses a weak individual in a herd, so that she doesnt get exhausted chasing it.

    Recently, on my daily walk in the wooded area where I live, on two separate occasions, a coyote stalked me. I know coyotes are very social animals, so I figure, his friends were lurking in the woods, watching, as that particular coyote was testing me, testing to see if I am danger.. or food. The coyote looked powerful and beautiful, but he or she was aware that his power is limited, that the power of his whole social group is limited, that’s why he was trying to find out his chances of successfully hunting me before attempting the group hunt.

    So I figure, to become more like a wild animal vs a caged animal means to be aware of one’s power being limited and to use that power strategically, intelligently.

    Good to read that your cat is feeling much better. And you don’t have to answer my questions from before, it’s okay with me that you don’t. As I type this I don’t even remember what my questions were.

    anita

    #359043
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita,

    you asked me to explain how my mother crushed my sister and myself and how I believed that my parents were intimidated by me as a child.  I was curious to see what I would find when looking back, perhaps gaining some new understanding, so I was genuinely keen to do this, just I have had a lot of other things to do.  I have found it very interesting.  I’ve made my answers as a separate post below but would just like to respond to your last post.

    I have to say that for all my enthusiasm about wild power, I feel definitely rather uncomfortable at the thought of meeting a coyote on my walk, though they are about the size of male foxes, which I have often come across, but I adore foxes and don’t feel any fear.  I don’t know anything about coyotes to be able to judge the danger.   What comes to mind is that there is an oracle card set called “Medicine Cards” by Jamie Sams with a message description for if you meet a coyote (according to Native American tradition)  A few descriptions from various traditions are on the Spirit Lodge website if this speaks to you.

    The reason I now try not to act too quickly is because I have found in the past that this is when I make mistakes, and this is just what happened the other day with Mme. Meltdown.  I was so keen to solve my financial problems that I decided to throw caution to the wind.  Generally I prefer to assess a situation first, trying to be more economical with my energy and resources, as you describe with the lioness.  Which suddenly reminds me that I was totally crazy about the “Born Free” films when I was a kid.  Do you remember those?  About some eccentric English people who lived with lions.  I was such an animal lover already, I think I hadn’t quite grasped the size and power of the animals involved!

    Juanita

     

     

     

    #359047
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita

    I am sorry that this is a lot to read again and I do hope it’s not too much for you?  I naturally do not expect you to answer to each paragraph, but rather I understand that you want to know more background details to perhaps refer back to at some time, so I am supplying the information, but without a major expectation as we already have a lot of “pancakes on the griddle”!!  So, to answer your questions:

    1. You wrote that both parents felt intimidated by you.

    My father: I learned to read/write/maths age 3 and was a very fast learner, very few spelling mistakes (photographic memory), read at the speed of light (still do).  My father is dyslexic but didn’t know it then.  By the time I was about 7 I was writing and spelling much better than he could and I could sense his discomfort around me, so I figured out ways to help him and he has overcome many of his problems.  But that feeling towards me has always remained and he still portrays himself as inferior in reading/writing/intellect compared to me.  He was also intimidated by my calmness and logic as I got older (9-10) when I was able to disagree with him and stand my ground, also my rejection of corporal punishment (he felt shame).

    My mother: is very creative and talented but saw me as competition, so the intimidation was that I was/am also very creative and talented.  Her response was to ignore everything I did, and if I did try to show her something I had made she always said, “huh, alright when you have time for things like that”, so guilt tripping me and not acknowledging my creation.

    I could sew clothing as well as an adult from around age 8 and e.g. as a surprise present I made her a matching set of clothes which fitted perfectly although I didn’t try them on her before.  Silence.  Even though people commented how well I could draw or sew – always silence.  She only wanted people to admire her creative works. If I asked for help she was vitriolic and only helped me later (11-12) once I had to make my own clothes because I was too tall to find clothes in a shop (small people in that country!)

    I could also cook and bake very well even as a small child, which I also enjoyed, but this was never mentioned to others either – I was however regularly given a list of what to cook for dinner!

    My parents entertained quite a lot and it was a very big deal when guests came that my mother always received much praise for her food, her artwork, and whatever other creative things she’d been doing.  But there was never artwork from my sister or I on display (“too messy”), nor anything else I might have made was ever shown (my sister is not into making things).  The only pictures of us were ones mother had drawn, but no cute snaps of us anywhere.

    What amazes me now in retrospect is how automatically my father and sister towed the line of maintaining silence to that nothing of my talents was ever mentioned to others.  I remember there was just once when I was 7 and a friend of the family who had gifted me a book for my birthday came around about a week later and asked how I liked the book and if I had started reading it.  He was amazed when I said I had already read it.  Then my father said, yes, she reads a book like that in half an hour.  The man was speechless and couldn’t believe it.

    1. “my family actually wanted to keep me in passivity”: who in your family, both parents, sister, anyone else in the family?

    No.  There is virtually no other family, and none who are like that.  I would say my mother and sister more actively, exaggerating my weaknesses/depression/ whatever.  My father more by default as he sees me as too courageous, he never dared try to realise his dreams

    1. You quoted me (italicized) and added: “Crushed and Caged.. treating you like you were the opposition that needs to be crushed/ caged– yes!!! This has to be the best description ever of the essence of how it feels”- can you tell me more about how specifically your mother treated you like you were the opposition, how she tried to crush you, and separately  howshe managed to more thoroughly crush your sister (what did she actually say and do to you and to your sister)?

    Opposition:

    I can remember being told regularly from a very young age i.e. as soon as I was talking properly (I can still feel and see myself) that it was my fault that they didn’t have enough money, and that I was living in their house and had no rights, but should be grateful that they were letting me live there.  My father was very rarely at home and she didn’t behave like that in front of him.  So my whole position was already as an unwelcome outsider, and anything I then dared to say or any opinion I dared to have was seen as being an outsider challenging her authority – and she took everything and anything as a total challenge of her position of power.  I always thought of her as “The Snow Queen” because she was beautiful but icy and poisonous.

    Even though I knew it was wrong of her to treat me like that, I often couldn’t get to sleep as a small child because of trying to think how to earn enough money to buy my parents everything they needed/wanted.  It felt very overwhelming.

    I think what made the opposition worse (but this is just from hindsight) is that my father always used me to triangulate when he had argued with her.  I was very empathic but after noticing that he always dropped me instantly when she was friendly again, and she subsequently punished me, I figured it out (age 9-10) and left them to it.

    Crushing: obviously being treated as unwelcome and an outsider by your mother is crushing to a small child, but also from as far back as I can remember (3-4)

    – she never – not once ever – came to me when I was crying

    – was hugely resentful and verbally attacked, criticised, guilt-tripped and humiliated me if I was injured or sick and came for help.  After a serious accident aged 5 I should have been at the very least x-rayed but I wasn’t even taken to the doctor, and this has caused me very serious, costly and extremely painful health problems throughout my life

    – she avoided helping me with anything if at all possible (unless there were witnesses)

    – she avoided affectionate physical contact, only violence – plenty of that

    – continuous verbal attacks about my physical appearance – mainly it was about being “too big” (tall and large build compared to her from my father’s side) and generally making me feel I must be ugly and as a small child I concluded she rejected me because of this.  Later when I got to puberty she was always digging her nails into me and bitching that I might be skinny but I’d end up having “a big fat arse like all the other women in the family” (I have sadly failed to fulfil her prophesy) and I felt very intimidated by her open aggressiveness spiked with envy

    – continuous verbal attacks about who I am and how I would become – she repeated very regularly that I was “lazy and useless, just like ** (family member) who has come to nothing and you will come to nothing!!”  (I’m just thinking to myself now, what a damn irony to say I was lazy when I did a huge amount of cooking, cleaning and ironing from very young until I left!!)  I always responded that I am me and cannot possibly become like another person, I will only become like I want to, which infuriated her.  To this day we both get our hackles rising when the theme of inherited characteristics arises as neither will budge position.

    I realise from writing all this that in some instances I was actually intentionally the opposition.

    Crushing my sister

    –  I can remember more intensely what my mother said to my sister than to me because I was always there as soon as I heard her start, to try and actively stop my sister from believing her, saying “that is stupid and crazy and obviously not true!”  I can still see my sister (maybe 4 at most) cowering and terrified, hardly able to keep standing, utterly desperate, extremely confused.  I hated feeling so powerless to be able to help her as she always nevertheless continued to look towards my mother.  I would yell my opinion (opposition!) until I got a beating and was sent to my room (or kicked into it)

    –  she vitriolically verbally attacked my sister too, saying she was too big (tall, big frame), but also that she looked like my father’s mother.  My sister has since told me that in that moment her child’s mind understood that she actually looked like an ugly, wrinkled old lady and she was terrified.  My mother also began telling her she was too fat when she was only 5 at the most, which my sister believed too.  I was starting to get much taller and thinner than she was, so although she was perfect, my mother compared her to me to make her feel inferior.  I also defended that this was not true but with the same outcome

    –  she also always compared my sister’s intellectual abilities to mine in order to make her feel inferior, although my sister is perfectly intelligent and capable and has many talents

    –  she questioned any decision my sister dared make for herself, attacked her and forced her into retreat if she had dared to follow through with a decision of her own

    –  she interfered most detrimentally in her relationships and friendships, her clothing choices etc  – she now sadly has neither has relationships nor friendships

    Apart from all the strategies to crush my sister’s independence and personality, she also favoured her and let her off any household duties or having to earn money as the “sugar”

    My heart is always so full of sadness about the life story of my sister, and I am very sad to have never been able to help her.  She has already suffered so much which is why I do not want to hurt her more by distancing even more from my parents.  I hope that she may gain courage if I am successful in my liberation from the cage and she sees my example.

    Juanita

    #359073
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Juanita:

    I am looking forward to read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in a few hours. I think that it is 7:11 pm your time now, so you’ll hopefully be asleep when I do respond to you. Have a good, restful night.

    anita

    #359093
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Anita,

    I was going to sleep, thinking about how my memory of my sister’s suffering is more intense than my own, when I suddenly realised I have forgotten two very significant “crushing” experiences.  One regards my furious mother chasing after me around the garden with a knife when I was quite small 5-6-7.  I didn’t know it had happened any more but when I met up with an old friend after many years, this person told me they had never forgotten the above scene.  It was a revelation for me as I suffered from recurring nightmares well into adulthood of being chased by a pirate with a huge sword around the garden, being trapped in a corner and having to choose whether to defend myself or facing death, but I couldn’t bring myself to defend myself because the pirate then always “turned into” my mother.

    The other situation I do remember, but only once we were at the hairdressers’ because I found it confusing that they acted as if I had cut my own hair.  In reality my mother had vented her fury upon me – I have no idea what I had done – by chopping my quite long hair off in a rage.   I was 5.  Thankfully my father was home and heard her screaming hysterically at me from outside.  I guess his main goal was to quickly shut the windows coz “what would the neighbours think”.  I was then taken to the hairdressers but I basically ended up with very wonky short hair.  I projected my trauma into the colour change of my hair after this, as it went from blonde to dark and I believed for a very long time that this was a punishment.  The family story was always that I had cut my own hair, but in the last years my mother confessed that she had been the one to cut it.

    Juanita

    #359110
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Juanita:

    I need to have a fresh brain as I read and reply to your two recent posts and am looking forward to do so in about 13 hours from now.

    anita

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