Dear tiny buddha community

So, today was a bad day. My boyfriend and I, along with a group of friends had planned to go to an exhibition to another city. My BF and I were on a later train, because he ran late. Ok, so far, so good. We got to the train station and my mood was bad. I didn’t feel well, got irritated by anything – should have listened to those alarm bells. We went to buy the tickets and when I realized it was 50 bucks, I had a teeny tiny panic attack. Because we both are looking for jobs, and even though I have found one, the lack of money is a constant subject between us. I told him I really didn’t know if I wanted to go and he said I should decide. Anyways, I decided to go. All okay. On the way to the exhibition I felt tiny “electrical shocks” – usually a sign that an anxiety attack is close. My nerves were thin as air and I felt tired and irritated. But I tried to stay calm and not ruin anyone’s day. After the exhibition, the group wanted to go to a bar and have a drink and I started feeling extremely unwell and sick. Shaky, weak, light-headed. I had an anxiety attack. I said goodbye to everyone and asked my boyfriend if he wanted to stay. He said yes. He didn’t realize I was in panic – which is normal! When I said goodbye I was a little distant and he asked if I was fine and I said “No, I really don’t feel well.” And without him saying goodbye to our friends, he took my hands and said he would go home with me. I felt horrible. I knew I could have made it alone, but being in panic I was scared even to take one step alone. At the train station I felt a little better and told him if he wanted to he could stay with our friends – which he said no to. We got into the train where he played with his phone and I tried to sleep a little, because I was terribly exhausted.
He seemed a little distant and colder than usually. Lately we have been doing really well and he and I are very affectionate. I felt guilty and asked him if he was mad to which he said “No, I’m just a little sad. I decided to come with you because you are not doing well.” But he seemed mad.
I don’t know if it’s part of my anxiety, but I had the feeling he kept thinking that I am selfish, wanting him to myself (he has that idea sometimes even though it’s not true at all… and he admitted it). And almost making me feel like he thought I was having an anxiety attack “on purpose” or being overly dramatic. Like it was my choice… I hate this. I don’t know where it came from today. I have medication and therapy. I deal with my problems. But today I couldn’t. And lately, he has been struggling, looking for a job, being down so often and tired etc. and I am there for him, console him, motivate him. I am very good to him.

I don’t know if it’s because he doesn’t know how to help me or what. When we got home I went to the bathroom and cried to let everything out and because I felt guilty, and angry because I felt like he was mad at me. Even though he has made the decision to come with me himself. So I came into the room and he saw I had been crying. I told him how I felt, that I felt like he thought I did this on purpose or like it was a situation I could control – which I can’t! He said he didn’t, but I don’t know if I believe him.
He got pissed and made a face like he wanted to dump me there and then. Anyways, I told him to tell me if something was wrong. He didn’t want to talk and said he might just need to be alone. I started crying when he said goodbye because I just felt guilty, lost and hurt because he wasn’t really there. He said he couldn’t leave me if I was crying. I told him it was ok and when he got ready he told me to call my mom or something?! That confused me, too. He is supposed to be there. And if he can’t he has to tell me. When we kissed goodbye, I said “We should talk tomorrow…” i.e. about what had happened. He said “Ok” but with a very unwilling voice.

I felt like he failed to be here. The man I thought really was there for me like I am there for him. I guess if he breaks up with me because of this, he is not worth one second of my love.

Any words of advice? What should I do about contacting him or letting him come to me first? Can I expect an apology or will he not get it?