Dear afeels:

Good to read from you!

Sexuality is not a part of us that is separate from our  overall emotional development through our childhoods and on.

You must have  observed how young children play in the playground, running and screaming, full of joy. You don’t see adults acting that way because we all disassociate to one  degree or another, we all feel less excited much of the time and so, we act… mature, not like children.

Many children who grow up with an aggressive parent or otherwise  unloving parents, feeling alone and lonely, disassociate more than others. The child, overwhelmed by hurt, fear and  even anger toward a parent, feels too much, more than she can endure, so she  automatically and naturally disassociates, gets numb, feel the minimum  possible. Not  only hurt, fear and anger  get minimized but also joy, hope, curiosity, the desire to explore, and so on. All forms of excitation get minimized and the child becomes  depressed.

You are one  of those  children who significantly disassociated. Fast forward, you wonder why as a young woman, “with men I am dating I will feel attraction and then the attraction goes away in an instant and it confuses me. For example, I will  kiss a guy in a bar surrounded  by people and feel desire and attraction but once  we are  alone the desire is gone”-

what  happens is that the excitation of sexual desire is normally numb, but not  entirely gone. It gets awakened at times but it  doesn’t stay because the disassociation has  been established long ago, in childhood. Disassociated, the brain/body rejects all excitations. If we feel  it, it doesn’t last, the numbing is automatic.

It is not that you are heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual-  it is  that you are  disassociated. See the difference?

anita

Dear afeels:

Regarding your second post that I just noticed, you are welcome. My  answer to your question: “if  I am disassociated why do  I feel all these negative emotions (anxiety, crying) everyday?”-

because severe disassociation is meant  to be effective temporarily, not long term.  It is not effective long  term. It  is not the emotions themselves are minimized in the process of disassociation. It is our awareness of those emotions that is  minimized, but  the  emotions keep coming  up again and again and reek havoc in our lives, from  physical illness to neurological disorders and  otherwise dysfunctional lives.

Healing  is about gently and gradually becoming aware and being  able to endure the excitation without shutting down soon after every excitation.

anita

Excuse me for butting in, but I was wondering, did something happened in your childhood, afeels, that make unavailable men attractive to you? Or some kind of trauma that branded a strong impression on you? And is that where your trust issues in men stemmed from?

I’m sorry about your friend JJ, but the thing is, he might be one of those people who flirt for fun, who sees flirting as a game more than a indication of romantic leaning. That, or he’s the sort of person whose gets his validation from people relying and depending on him, much of what you seemed to have done with him as a friend. But that’s only speculations because I don’t know him, but it doesn’t seem that you’ve put away that particular history of yours. What made you mention him in your post, as compare to the other men you’ve dated? And what was it about him that let you opened your eyes?

Also, there’s a possibility that you’re demisexual or something along those lines. Someone who identifies as demisexual doesn’t see sex as a necessary thing in a relationship. Rather, they want an emotional connection with their potential partner before rolling in the sheets, well, if ever. Of course, a demisexual person can find people physically attractive, but they don’t really developed sexual attraction until they feel they are in a mutually comfortable relationship with respect and open communications with their partner. But the thing is, you don’t have to determine your sexuality, sexuality is actually quite fluid so what is attractive now might not be attractive in five years. Determine what you like as of now, but don’t set that as a rigid rule for the future. Also, it would be best to research some key points on sexuality and its explorations because going in blind isn’t always helpful.

About the sex guilt, that’s something you should go over with your counselor. Your feeling of guilt of performing any sexual deeds stemmed from your family’s teachings that being sexual is bad, especially if you’re a female and you’ve been carrying that teachings into your adulthood. You haven’t cast away the guilt, but as long as the guilt is there, sex will always be something that you might desired, but also something bad to do. And that will make sex torture or boring or scary. That will induce anxiety about sex.

Now, have you developed healthy boundaries for yourself? There are many kind of boundaries and they help you defined who you are as a person as you currently are. It also help you decide what you will hold yourself responsible for and what you will not. Without any form of boundaries, you tend to let other people dictate your actions regardless of your thoughts. There’s a book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend that can get you started. Your counselor can also give you suggestions.

It seems you’re still dealing with your anxiety and that’s no walk in the park and it’s not something that goes away with time. But you haven’t given up hope for yourself and that’s encouraging. You are still searching for yourself, though that’s a journey until death, so take a deep breath and encourage yourself to walk at your own pace. You are probably pressured from those around you to what you see in the media that you need to have your whole self figured out by the time you reached 30, but that could not be further from the truth. If you had yourself drawn and laminated by the age of 30, then where’s the space to grow and learn by the age of 40, 50 and beyond? People change and there’s so much to do in today’s society so why limit yourself? But done at your own pace. After all, you only have this life, why not live on your own terms?

Good luck.