Anita, I hope you are fine today. How was your recent daily walk? I thought about this today while looking out the window. (I am still too sick to get out)

I will be responding to your last post this week.

There was this one time when we spoke here about trauma, reliving traumatic experiences. I wrote one day I would like to describe it. Another day you wrote that (paraphrasing) you do not believe one can stop feeling pain entirely when thinking about painful events. It made me sad but.. I do not know why, I had courage today to relive one of them. I felt sad today, maybe because I haven’t left the house in days, I still feel sick and wasn’t eating too much. Also I have some issues at work and feeling overwhelmed and when I feel overwhelmed and exhausted I usually have this one memory stuck in my head.. little kitten, me in a car with my mother, and this kitten meowing and screaming, me leaving this kitten on the street and driving away with my mother. 

I feel like I cannot move on with my life because of this. I cannot live with those memories anymore, it’s exhausting. All I had, all my childhood, my home, everything was lost that day. My dad, my room – my bedroom, my cats, my dog! my cousins. Plans I had, plans we had together with my cousin, the plays we did: we sang songs, made poems for fun. I had to pretend I will be there when we planned to perform them (just for ourselves) although I knew I won’t be there. My mother told me to lie, to pretend, to keep a secret. I could not tell anyone we will be moving out that day. Then one day we woke up, took some things while my dad wasn’t there (he probably still had not come back from a night out) and left. He came home and saw empty room… as I assume. My cousin sent me a letter after that when she found out I was living at my grandma’s (my mother’s mom) about 30km away. I was such in shock I don’t even remember calling my cousin and telling her where I was (we were inseparable till this day).

It’s one of the worst things that happened to me (until then at least because what was still yet to happen was my mother’s worst and worst abuse AND her partner’s). I feel so hopeless thinking about it, like.. I will never get rid of this. It will be here in my head till the rest of my days. Every time I look at my cat (which I love a lot) I think of the cat I had to leave on the street, opened the car door and leave him because he was screaming too much, I don’t remember exactly…. probably decided (me or my mother) that better to leave him and take him with us. And leave all I had, all my life, my identity. Thinking about this and re-living this I am hoping to process this a little bit. I never had the courage to truly re-live it until today. It’s a nightmare thinking about this. 

Dear Joanna:

Is there anyone at all taking care of you while you are sick, making you soup or hot tea…or are you all alone? Since you are sick and work is overwhelming, should you take a few days off from work?

“This one memory stuck in my head.. little kitten, me in a car with my mother, and this kitten meowing and screaming, me leaving this kitten on the street and driving away with my mother. I feel like I cannot move on with my life because of this. I cannot live with those memories anymore, it’s exhausting. All I had, all my childhood, my home, everything was lost that day…  I think of the cat I had to leave on the street, opened the car door and leave him because he was screaming too much, I don’t remember exactly…. probably decided (me or my mother) that better to leave him and take him with us…“-

– Joanna, isn’t this precious, meowing, screaming kitten left behind so many years ago… isn’t it you? Isn’t it you who desperately needed a refuge: a safe, warm place, to be taken care of gently… consistently gently and lovingly?

What if you figuratively go back to where the kitten was left, and pick her up, take her with you and take good care of her… take really good care of the long-ago lost Joanna?

anita

Dear Joanna:

You are welcome, I am glad someone is taking care of you somewhat. “How do I do that?“- imagine little kitten Joanna, she is still here, in you… still meowing, still needing help. How do you help her? Ask her: little kitten-Joanna, what do you need now, tell me please..? And listen to her. She may look at you in surprise because she was never asked this question, or maybe she may have no answer for you because she never trusted anyone with her true feelings, including with what she needs… so she no longer knows what she needs.

So, help her to come up with an answer, ask her: do you need your face washed with cold (or warm) water? Will that make you feel better? If she has no answer, make her an offer: let’s go to the bathroom and I will gently splash some water on your face, it may make you feel better.

“I thought it would feel better after I face this memory“- bring this memory to the present time, like I suggested above, make the connection between the past and the part of the past that is still here: the precious little, lost Joanna is Here and Now. Take care of her gently, consistently.. show her that she can trust you.

anita

You are welcome, Joanna, get well soon!!!

anita

Hello Anita, Thank you for posting again. The day at work was one of the worst but I asked someone for help and figured I cannot sacrifice my mental health for this job. I have to care a bit less. I also went out for a walk (first time in two weeks), tried to be mindful, stopped overthinking. I am feeling Ok.

🙂

Anita, thank you for being happy for me! I really need to go for walks more often.

Anita, I will keep that in mind during my walk tomorrow. I plan to finish work earlier (I will start at 6:00) and spend time outside. I think I was very mindful today. I remember a lot of details from my walk – feels good to not be lost in thoughts but see, hear and feel instead. Thank you again for posting again and again, so happy to read from you 🙂

I hope you are well, Joanna!

anita