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Anxiety interfering with relationships

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Vicki 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #300683

    Julie
    Participant

    Hello all,

    Could really use some wisdom/advice. I have a history of dating narcissists. It’s all I know. I get bored easily of those who treat me right because I’m so used to chasing after the wrong ones. Fast forward to now, I’ve been dating a new guy who has been chasing after me for a year. At first, I was drawn but wasn’t fully captured or attracted to him. He was always a big what if/mystery to me because something about him kept drawing me in, I guess his persistency to want my attention. Finally a year later, I decided to give him a chance but just a couple of days ago I see him and his ex friended each other on instagram. Now my paranoia is starting to kick in since then because all of this sounds repetitious from my past experiences. He claims they’re just friends and how he even mentioned me to her but what plays with my mind is the timing. None of it makes sense. I didn’t hear from him all day Sunday til I saw he followed her that night, right after she posted a new selfie. Immediately, I assumed he was with her. Ever since then, my anxiety has been screaming within me. I feel like my gut is trying to tell me to run and not get involved with him now. He tells me how much he likes me and asked me to his lady 4 times already but I fear getting hurt. I fear giving someone a chance again and it turning into another narcissistic relationship. His ex recently came back from studying abroad and now is popping back in the picture. I know even last year while he was trying to get me, they were on and off. Is this my past trauma messing with me or is this a red flag?

    #300689

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Julie:

    I would be concerned too, if I was in you. He had an on again off again relationship with a girlfriend during the whole year he showed interest in you and recently they are  on again, some kind of on. Reads like part of their on-again-off-again relationship.

    anita

    #301009

    Kevin
    Participant

    Hi Julie

    I’m answering your question as much for myself, as an affirmation, as I am for you, as a thought you may wish to consider. Also .. in case ity makes any difference 🙂 .. I am a man so my perspective is on a recently broken, 3.5 year long relationship with a much younger woman. The actual break-up which only finalised in May, was dragged out over almost 18 months and the final straw was whgen she introduced someone eose into the picture and turned away from me almost totally.

    I really don’t want to address the question of the fidelity or infidelity of your lover. That is not really an issue IO can comment on, but I would say that your “ionternal” treatment of the issues is something I can realte to on the deepest of levels … That “suspicion” drawn out of speculation about what “might be” happening .. the eventual acceptance of your completely non-factual imaginings as the most likely truth, the way you tear yourself up when you don’t have “one eye on his tail” to make sure you don’t get the chance to imagie the worst … fear of loss, fear of rejection, bubbling anxious jealousy …. I bet you imagine them messaging each other when you see that both of them are active at the same time in Messenger, Skype or What’sApp too .. 🙂

    And NONE of it is based on any observed facts beyond noticing a few facebook encounters. ALL of it is your very own captive ego-demon winding you up … I know .. I lived in your shoes for 12 months or more even before the real thing appeared and the end was well and truly in sight. I don’t have any easy words for you but I can tell you briefly about my own process if you like …

    I was in the depths of pain coming from every angle … despair, disgust, jealousy, anger, sense of injustice, self-loathing  for feeling all that, and a deep and abiding love for her which was being denied any opportunity to express itself … and then I woke up.

    She is just another person. She is entitled to live her life any way she choses to live it. For me to call it “wrong” or to censure her for living as a free person was my first indiation that ALL OF THIS was an ego-construct .. Ego attachments developed over many many years, forged in childhood and enhanced, strengthened, and made more concrete by a succession od almost identical, recurring life events. I had fallen victim to the all-consuming ego. That little bit of Artificial Intelligence we are supposed to be using as a tool to filter out all the unneccessary stuf and make sense of the complicated stuff, had actually taken over. It had seduced me with its “don’t worry – I’ll handle that” into believeing that IT was ME … that what it “thought, worried about, the way it acted, the things it wanted” were my desires. It was as true in my relationships as it was in my choice of motor car or the job I did. All my relationships up to right now, were not real love .. they were ego-love .. the sort of love than is given in the expectation of something being returned, and if the return falls short of the ourgiving .. ego gets pissy about it and starts making problems.

    And there’s another cool thing about egos (if you’re an ego .. of you’re nor it’s seriosly uncool) …. Ego is designed to solve problems. If there aren’t any problems it invents them and then tries to solve them … If it’s left to run away uncontrolled, it will do exactly what you described .. invent scenarios (in the future) and then try to fix them (using its memories of past similar scenarios) and you get to watch it spinning in circles from speculation about the future and dredging up all the stuff from the past .. which, incidentally, most times only serves to fuel the speculations … and down we spiral again. And ego doesn’t like to be alone. Many years of advertising, subtle and direct, many images of people together, and the fact that ehgo hates to be alone inside you … all conspire to convince you and ego that you NEED .. or MUST HAVE .. another person to make you feel complete. A Yang for your Yin … and so ego gets your motor fired up and goes off in search of your “perfect match” … Sooner or later it forms an ego-dependency called “lurve” attached to some one person … and off you go “in lurve”.

    It might hurt, I might be called cruel for saying it but … GET RID OF HIM … not because og what you think or what you are feeling inside … Get rid of him because that beautiful bundle of puyre joy an divine light that is the REAL YOU is being smothered by the ego she is wralled up in.

    Get rid of him and don’t .. ABSOLUTLEY DON’T go out looking for domeone else. Instead .. go in looking for someone you used to love when you were a kid … Show her all the love you have inside you. Water and nurture that beautiful flower with divine the love and light which has always been there, deep inside you. It won’t be easy. You will feel pain, you will feel loneliness, but here, on Little Buddha you weil lfind a supportive community and all the advice you ned in the blog. Find your princess, teach her to become a goddess, ansd let the universe bring the right person into your life …

    And give him/her unconditional love .. in the moment .. the past is dead .. you can do nothing in the past .. it is lust a memory. The future does not exist. You can’t reach into the future and make things happen .. the onlyt place in your entire existence where you can know what is happening and hacve an effect by doing something .. is NOW. So you cannot, if you love unconditionally and mindfully, you CANNOT expect a soul partner to always be there, or always be what oyou want, and you cannot expect them to want you “forever’ …

    Everything changes every instant.

    Lose the ego lover

    Use the pain of that loss to awaken the real you

    Stop trying to be loved and start being love itself

    Love everybody

    and always know that you are loved .. by everybody .. even a tired old stranger like me …

    नमस्ते

     

     

     

    #301015

    Kevin
    Participant

    My apologies for all the typos .. It was a thought stream, typed at speed and I forgot to proof read it before I hit Submit … dohhh !!

    #301109

    Vicki
    Participant

    Kevin thank you thank you

    Thank you for sharing. It makes complete sense for me and I appreciate you

     

    #301113

    Vicki
    Participant

    Julie – sorry I don’t have any advice of my own for you. You’ll definitely be okay ?

    We do have to let others live their own lives. We are not in control of what they do and never will be. I am keen to accept that for myself

    #301159

    Kevin
    Participant

    Kevin thank you thank you
    Thank you for sharing. It makes complete sense for me and I appreciate you

    You are very welcome Vicki. I am just grateful to the One that I was able to share and that you were able to make use of my words.

    Love and Light

    Kevin

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  Kevin.
    #301207

    Kevin
    Participant

    “I am keen to accept that for myself”

    I recommend you take a look at the book by Eckhert Tolle – The Power of Now … He says it so much better than I can.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 3 weeks ago by  Kevin.
    #301997

    Vicki
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Oh thank you Kevin. I’ll check that book out</p>
    All the very best!

    I’m about to read your comment again, as I write this I remember how much it hit me

    #302499

    Steve
    Participant

    Try to concentrate on yourself, take up a new hobby. If he wants to be with you, he will make steps forward, if no – then do you need such a relationship?

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