Dear Tim:

In another thread you shared about a previous relationship, one with your very first girlfriend, who was “the one, the best, and had an aura about her”. She broke up with you saying that she didn’t realise a relationship would be so much work and that she wanted to focus on her career. You were crushed, overwhelmed and had a mental breakdown. You were determined to “woo her back”, went to therapy for the purpose of getting her back, and managed to do so for another year.

During that year you left a job you loved, so to be closer to her. You started saving for your “forever home” with her and put down a deposit on a home, but your “love was not returned, she was not putting forth the same effort and reluctant to set concrete plans” with you, and she broke up with you second time. You were “depleted and destroyed.. spiraled out of control.. almost ruined my entire life for someone else”. You then went for more therapy, focused on yourself and your goals, but still pined after her and got rejected by her two more times.

Two years after the second breakup, she reached out to you, feeling ready to settle with “consistent Mr. nice guy”, who she expected to “be there waiting to pick it back up”. But you figured that you were not going to set yourself up for “the inevitable fifth (rejection) which may happen midway into married life when she finds me not to be enough again”. You believed that she “always walked away from the responsibilities of being in a relationship.. where there is a solid commitment i.e. marriage.. children and problems arise should be worked on”, that she was “too selfish”, that you “had her on such a pedestal” and made excuses for her. But not anymore!

“that pain of not being enough when I gave her my everything, planned our future and had it ripped away, taught me I don’t want that type of love”, and you took her “off that pedestal”. But you started to despise yourself for being “nice, soft, etc.” and acted for a while like “that stereotypical bad boy that most women long for”, went too far with it and hurt others, and that you didn’t like being that person. So you returned “to being a nice guy I always was at heart, my authentic self”, dated, got dumped, endured, and are now in “a very stable relationship. It isn’t the extreme highs and lows and thrill or rush you get  on an on/off-again relationship from the never-ending drama. It is a feeling of stability, maturity, I am being me and I feel serenity for being accepted as me. It may work out, it may not but I now accept that”.

You wrote about your current girlfriend on this thread that you met her recently and that she asked you to meet some of her friends, and you feel “nervous or apprehensive about the next steps we are taking”. You were considering asking your own friends to join her friends and the two of you for lunch.

You wrote: “I’m just nervous about applying undue pressure on her too”- I didn’t understand this sentence when I first read it yesterday and failed to ask you what you mean by “applying undue pressure on her too”. Would you like to explain it to me?

anita

Dear Tim:

I think you will make a good first impression because you clearly made a first and going good impression on your girlfriend, and  her friends, if they are decent friends, are likely to appreciate you for having a positive affect on their friend’s/ your girlfriend’s life.

You wrote in your recent post: “I am cautious now as I do not want to repeat the same mistakes as my first serious relationship”. Previously you wrote regarding your first serious relationship: “she was not putting forth the same effort and reluctant to set concrete plans with me”. See to it with your current girlfriend that following putting some effort, wait and see if she puts in effort. If she doesn’t- don’t pressure her or complain to her. Give her more time and don’t put much more effort until she does, if she does.

Reads like this woman is more invested in you than the previous one, take a deep breath, as many times as you need to, and take it as easy and slow as you can. There is saying that is quite true, figuratively : rushing is from the devil. Don’t rush. And post again anytime.

anita

Dear Tim:

You are welcome. Anytime you want a repeat of confidence boost, post and I will be glad to repeat. Your girlfriend is invested and motivated- this is a huge difference from your ex girlfriend. If you further take into your awareness the fact that  she is motivated, you will feel less anxious and nervous about the next steps.

anita

You are welcome, Tim, and you already returned the favour to others (I read your replies to others, excellent input, if I may say so!)

anita

You are welcome, Tim. It will be good to read from you anytime.

anita