Dear cali sister:

You can write more and I  will not repeat myself regarding  psychotherapy. Will  welcome further posts by you.

anita

Dear cali sister:

Glad you posted again, reads positive. I only read a bit because  I have to get away from the computer. Will be  back in about sixteen hours to read and reply to your most recent post and any other you may post by then.

anita

Post # 1, Dear calisister:

I read all of your sister’s posts on this website and all of yours. This post,  Post # 1, will consist of nothing  but quotes from your sister’s posts first and then quotes from your posts. No comments  by me, only quotes. I made grammatical editing only, capitalizing the “I”s, the letters at the beginning of sentences and adding the ‘ in contractions.  In parentheses I added who pronouns refers to. The italicization of words is  my doing. In Post # 2 I will post my comments  based on these  quotes.

11/9/16, cali chica:  “It started the ‘we have bad luck, the world is against us’ …if we try to reason with her, ‘we are against her’…my mother, who sadly had a terrible life in her younger years, has now become toxic herself. She was so damaged that now she is damaging…as she gets worse, I get worse ( and my sister)… The damaged is becoming more damaging… They (parents) were toxic to my brain/thought process as a young child/and now as a adult. This has begun to affect the health of my sister… I don’t want any more of my sister’s 20s to disappear to toxicity… My mother- has no insight and awareness…They (parents) are no longer able to approach almost anything without heightened anxiety…Their approach is destructive.

When I close my eyes I think of my mom as a damaged soul, a sad and abused (so to speak) fragile puppy that is now coming out in the world with a big bark… (I) feel soo so bad for her.

11/13/16, cali  sister: She (the mother) is going even more insane. She is harassing my sister and I verbally. Last night she called saying that our father is having really bad chest pain… So my sister and I are on the phone wondering what is true what isn’t… She starts screaming horrendous things… and then continues to scream about how this has all happened because of us… and that as parents they have done so much and this is the suffering they get from their sacrifices… I see the truth but I also do not know the solution. It is also very hard for me to think.

1/30/2017  Today I went to the pharmacy for the first time and picked up an anti-depressant… I have depression and anxiety disorders that have become so bad that I cannot function at work anymore.

9/11/2017 I was not doing too well for a while. Even had a plan to end my life in May. But then I got on track, went to therapy twice a week, moved away from home toxicity. I moved across the country. And immediately was so much happier. The depression, suicidal thoughts? All gone… However, my anxiety always finds its way in. Making each day so difficult to live…The anxiety is taking over.

I am having a really hard time at work – finding motivation at work. I have no desire to try. and its an exhausting feeling… My entire work day is consumed with anxiety. The morning goes ok, but after lunch around 1:30 pm – I cannot stand it at work… I feel like I need to jump out of my skin. I feel so restless, overwhelmed, tired, bored, angry… I want to explode. it is such an exhausting feeling to go through on a daily basis…

I started dating this boy – lets call him Y… (We) ended up getting along and have seen each other quite a few times. All is well.  BOOM. My anxiety takes over. I fear this feeling that someone has control over me now because I like them… (I) was so excited for him to come. so very excited. however, the moment he came, I ignored him entirely. I did not say hi and didn’t speak to him once or look at him once… and then he dropped me home and I was so rude to him and just told him to drop me on the street–why? Why was I yelling at him for no reason? He had done nothing that day to me… I have played this pattern many times.

… I do not even know what to do. How to be. How to think. How to walk. How to function… I feel confused and angry. I don’t know how to fix this. Why did I act so crazy yesterday. Why did I let Y or anyone see this side of me. What’s wrong with me.

11/28/2017 … Anxiety takes over every second. SECOND. Blurry vision, not hearing what someone in front of you is saying because you are stuck in your head, amnesia, feeling heavy/overwhelmed – FIGHT OR FLIGHT is always on…I cannot function like this for the rest of my life…I can’t fully experience the emotions my brain is having. I never think anything is real…  I can never INDULGE or be PRESENT. I want to be here and now.

… Yes, I moved across the country. And will probably never return physically close to her (her mother). I still am on the anti-depressant but will likely be switching or tapering off. I have not seen a change. Will be seeing a doctor soon – i made an appointment. I myself am a clinical pharmacist.

… I have been miserable and suffering all of my life. And now I am stuck in this job that I truly believe I hate. Why do I have to continue suffering…. Everything I remember about my life has always been a struggle… Life is short – I do not want to spend it like this.

I say (to self), well suck it up you’ve made it this far, you have your doctorate…My life has been go go go. stress. anxiety. go go go. it would be nice to stop.

… I consistently put myself down and have this fear or true confidence that I will fail. so before reading an article, but head already says ‘well you wont get it anyway’. Which i know is not true, because I know I am very intelligent – but this hinders me from reading and causes so much stress

She (mother) has said that to me about everything. I am never good enough or strong enough or as smart as others – in her eyes. always puts me down.

…I can share a little victory that just happened. I finally stood up for myself with a man. In the past, even if someone treated me horribly, I would yell at them and then basically beg them to still talk to me all in the same conversation. I did not hold myself highly enough and I was afraid of the void. Today, I said to him, if you want to talk to me, you have to figure out how to make it up to me. If not, I don’t think we should talk anymore… I hung up the phone, and smiled. I felt lighter. I felt like calisister was the one who was important and protected… I did not feel like i was just throwing my body and emotions out there as if they were worthless. I kept the power.

Yesterday, I spontaneously went to a tattoo shop to get my second tattoo. it says no fear…I did it, anita.”

Post #2, Dear calisister:

We are animals, mammals. A young  mammal craves her  mother, following her wherever she goes. There is the reality in nature that  safety is with the  mother. Food is with the  mother. Protection from danger is with the mother. A mammal is born with the unambiguous trust in her mother as the source of safety and  with an  emotional attachment to the mother as intense as the  need to survive.

When the  mammal  is  grown enough, she  will fend  for herself. When a predator approaches, the mammal will feel fear and run/ Flight, or feel fear, then anger and  Fight. As  a result the  mammal will either escape the  predator or die. Fear ends,  and  the animal,  if  alive, keeps living as before: no ongoing fear, no anxiety.

We as humans have a different reality: often our very  mother attacks us, often our very mother is our… predator.

How can we run away  (Flight) from our mother, where  to? How can we Fight our mother? We need  her alive and  well for that safety.. food… survival.

So we are stuck, at home, as  children, day  in and day out with our predator. We hold  on to  any and every expression of comfort: food, a kind word, a smile, a gift . We live our lives comforted and attacked  by the same person, intermittently. and anxiety takes hold of our brain.

Cali chica wrote: “we try to reason with her, ‘we are against her'”- you and your sister were never against her. It is the other way  around. Cali chica wrote: “she is damaging… more damaging… toxic to my brain/thought processes… destructive”. Who or what damages, poisons, destroys, if not an enemy.

But  notice, cali chica wrote: “When I close my eyes I think of my mom as a damaged soul, a sad and abused (so to speak) fragile puppy that is now coming out in the world with a big bark… (I) feel soo so bad for her” – cali chica  sees the perpetrator as a victim. She feels empathy for the woman who is damaging her. The role of our empathy is to maintain an attachment to another, and so, cali chica is still attached… to the perpetrator.

You wrote a year ago: “She  is harassing my sister and I… she  starts screaming horrendous things… and then continues to scream how this has all  happened  because of us”- the  screaming and  blaming are aggressive attacks.

We are not emotionally equipped to be attacked by our mothers, we are not born with the emotional or cognitive tools to survive such attacks and be well. When we are attacked  and  injured as children by our own mothers, our attachment to her, as adults, does not weaken because the more anxious we are, the  more we crave safety.

You wrote that you “have depression and anxiety disorders that have become so bad…even had a plan to  end my life…I have been miserable and suffering all of my life”- these are the results, the consequences, of  having  been attacked by your mother.

You were excited about seeing that man, Y, but you then ignored him and then you were rude to him. You asked: “Why was I yelling at him for no reason?”- there is a reason: you wanted his attention but you learned, from your experience with your mother, that attention comes with being attacked, so you ignored the attacker-to-be, getting angry at him, ready to Fight.

In the last experience you shared about, you wrote: “I felt like calisister was the one who was important and protected… I did not feel like I was just throwing my body and emotions out there as if they were worthless. I kept the power.”- 

When a  child is attacked by her mother, the child will do anything to make the attacks stop, including “throwing (your) body and emotions out as if they were worthless”- all to survive.

When confronted with danger, the natural reaction is to run away or fight. Fear is felt and then resolved. When we can’t or won’t run away or fight, when we choose to stay with the attacker, fear is not resolved. It  becomes ongoing, aka anxiety.

The beginning of healing requires removing the danger from your life. Not just a little, but completely. A deer in nature doesn’t choose to spend time  with a coyote for just a little while, before it  runs. It runs ASAP, at the first  sign of  danger. But  we, humans, stay for a while, for Christmas.

When we keep danger in our lives, when our loyalty is to a parent who damages us, it is not just us who  pay the price, it is also our children, and so we, the damaged become the ones who are damaging our children.

anita

Wow – words that resonate. Period.

We are strong-we are not our anxiety-we are better people for having the challenges we have-and fuck if sometimes it isn’t a damn struggle -in spite of medication and support …. been working through this for 29 years … since I was 4 years old. I suppose I don’t know anything different in many regards. There are days though – where my state of feeling overwhelmed by the smallest things – blinds my natural optimism of believing I understand and can change the world … today I don’t believe I can save the world. Today I just want to save myself.