May 28, 2013 at 10:05 pm #36215
Hi there! This website has been a godsend. I discovered it by typing something like “why do i keep putting myself out there”
I am feeling as if I am at the end of my rope. I hurt every day I don’t even know how I make it though it each day.
Here is a bit of back ground:
I am a single mother of a 4 year her dad has pretty much abandoned her.
His mom helps out with our daughter but its not enough for me to have another person to rely on. My own mother died when I was young. So I don’t have my own parents. Finding a job has been so difficult. I’m also a 2 time college drop out and another program unfinished because of money. The first was years and years ago and the debt I left there was too much which is why I had to find other schools. I hate myself so much even writing this.
Anyway… The only reason I went back to school was to find some work and I was way over my head. I decided I need to figure out life before I wasted any time and money on school. I looked back on my past interests before I became I mom. I decided to live life authentically and listen to my gut and do what I am passionate about. I practice a lot of self healing. Through my volunteer work i decided on a career direction and through job coaching started applying for jobs. So after a year of looking i find a paid internship in the industry I never could of imagined getting into. My dreams fell apart because I am still waiting for a start date. I’ve been waiting 6 weeks for a start date with no communication. I have to email her to ask what is going on. I told so many people i finally found a job and am so embarrassed it’s not working out. Before I got the job I was busy being a job seeker and now I’m dormant. Everyday feels like a let down. And I lament on all my past failures. I do negative self talk and I drive myself crazy. On top of it something in my soul keeps putting myself out there. I do some event planning so I reached out to people in the community and industry and have a hand in planning summer events. For free because I need the experience. I don’t know why when I have such low self esteem and such self loathing why I chose a career where I have to be such a spectacle I have to swallow my pride and email people and have meetings thinking why would they want to meet me with me I’m such a loser. I hate myself more and more everyday. I ruined my life completely. I have been trying so hard to put it back together but I can’t anymore. I’ve worked so hard on myself this past year. No matter how depressed and down I felt. I handed out resumes, went on interviews, had meetings and go home and hope this nightmare will be over. I can find a job so I can have money not worry about where I’m going to live, what are we going to eat, what kind of life is this for us. My daughter is everything to me and I keep trying for her but sometimes it’s just too much and I actually want to end it all. I can’t handle anything anymore. Everyday, every minute because harder and harder to get through in one mental piece. I feel like I’m waiting for my life to begin. I have no more energy to put back into looking for a new job. I’ve made myself sick with the amount of resumes and cover letters i have sent. With no completed education and 4 years of a career gap because of taking care of my kid. I feel so lost. So please help me find a way to keep going? I can’t spend one more day without a job or a purpose.
Thank you for reading this long rant, if anyone can tell me their story or anything it will save me from drowningMay 29, 2013 at 7:54 am #36246Buddhist WifeParticipant
I am sorry you are feeling so blue at the moment.
I think that you need to take a step back and breath for a moment. You are over whelmed with stuff to do and I think you need to break things down into little pieces and do things one step at a time.
I think it might be wise to look at some of the small practical things you can do first.
It may be that I have misinterpreted your writing, but it seems to me that you have not yet contacted your internship person about your start date? Am I correct?
If I am right, you need to just send the email. Just a two line email. Dear so and so, I’m really eager to start my internship. Please could you give me a start date so I can arrange some child care. You can reach me by replying to this email or calling me on 0000000000000. Kind Regards, Straight No Chaser.
If you have already been in touch and have received no reply, email again. If you haven’t heard back in two working days, call them. If you don’t get to speak to the person you need to speak to, leave a message.
Lets all hope that they call you back. However if after a few times at contact you haven’t heard anything, email and call again. This time make it clear you are concerned that because you haven’t heard anything, you would like to know if the internship has fallen through. Then take time to calmly think about the situation and take it from there.
I will say that I’ve worked in busy industries where lots of internships were offered. Unfortunately sorting out the arrangements was often at the bottom of most peoples to-do-list and priorities and I have waited ages for responses myself and witnessed the same happening to others. It’s annoying but it’s important not to take it personally or see it as a reflection on your abilities. It’s just unfortunate that you are the victim of other people’s disorganisation.
Reading your post I get the impression that you feel very judged by society and the people around you? Am I correct?
I know I can’t take away those feelings for you, but I think you need to mentally dismiss those who you think are judging you. So you don’t have an academic education. Who cares? So what? So you are finding it difficult to find a job? Who cares? So what? So are millions of other people.
Anybody who judges you because of these things is ignorant and foolish.
I also feel it might be wise for you to let go of this desperate need to find a purpose. I don’t believe in purpose, I think it’s kind of a made up thing. Animals don’t wander around trying to find their purpose, they simply exist and that is enough for them. I think trying to find a purpose is a little dangerous, it suggests that some lives are worth more then others and I’m not convinced by that.
Your purpose in life is like mine. You are a human being and that is all the validation that you need.
You might want to read around the topic of imposter syndrome, because it sounds to me that you may be currently thinking along these lines.
I hope you find some peace.May 29, 2013 at 9:50 pm #36255
So I wrote out a reply then couldn’t send it on my phone ughhh..
Basically it said:
Thank you so much for your kind words and response. You are 100% on the money. I woke up today saying to myself U NEED A BREAK. I’ve been running myself ragged 24/7 trying to put my life back together I don’t even enjoy life anymore. I never stop. It’s pretty insane and obsessive. I look at animals and realize this isn’t fair. So I totally agree with you on purpose. Our only job is to stay alive and our body does that so our next job would be to take care of our bodies. Our machine.
I also think about how we take vacations to poor countries and feel bad for them. Maybe it’s paradise because they aren’t ruled by wealth and image.
Right again! Why should I care what people think! And the sad part is no one has said anything this is me assuming what they’re all thinking. My negative self talk and projecting it. I decided today I’m going to try and care a little less everyday and like you said take it one step at a time. I don’t think it was my decision I think my mind can’t handle it and my body can’t handle it. And you confirmed what I knew deep down.
Each time I spoke to the internship coordinator she said “we are still waiting on a start date” and that’s it. It’s government funded so they are waiting for that. But I have no clue how long I am supposed to wait. She doesn’t saying anything to reassure me. She’ll say end of April, early may, mid may. And when the dates pass with no contact I call her. Now she just says I don’t know. Like how can you say that. I’m supposed to wait week after week with no idea when it will start. I have an interview somewhere else tomorrow thank god! It’s nothing special but it’s a job with more concrete info then this BS internship. So I hope it works out. When they get their crap together I will quit and start.
Thank you so much for throwing me a life raft 🙂May 31, 2013 at 1:16 pm #36315phightphearParticipant
StraightNoChaser- I hope you don’t feel as blue today as you did when you wrote this, and it seemed like you giving me advice on my post helped you feel better (I know if helped me). Hopefully I can return the favor. My mom works for the government and more and more lately government jobs and government funded programs simply run out of money. That could be the case with what you’re going through. But that doesn’t mean your dreams fell apart. You aren’t suppose to wait on any job to come through simply because they said they were interested in you. Keep putting in those applications! Doing something is better than doing nothing.
You seem to beat yourself up a lot for things that were out of your control. I know a few people who have dropped out of college multiple times and then went back, sometimes just one course at a time. Many community colleges will work with you if you communicate with them what’s going on and also freeze the money you owe to other educational institutions. But don’t feel rushed to jump right back into school. Take your time and when you’re ready, go for it. And don’t worry so much about being able to afford it. You never know what can happen if you don’t try.
Something that helps me when I feel like I am mentally falling apart is to take a short break from applying and worrying and do something I enjoy. For me, it’s walking my dog or watching and episode of “The Simpsons”. Find a couple things that will make you smile and take some time to do them.
Finally, you are not a loser, you did not ruin your life, and you didn’t have past failures, but rather, past lessons. Look at everything you “failed” in and try to find the lesson you learned from it. There always is a positive lesson and once you find it, then you know it wasn’t a failure. My mother got her G.E.D at 45…an Associates degree at 48…and her first full time job at 50, all while battling depression and anxiety. If some employers were willing to overlook a 20 year employment gap with her, I’m sure they will understand a 4 year gap because you were taking care of your child.
I hope this helps and remember, progress is progress, no matter how small.May 31, 2013 at 9:54 pm #36320
I’m glad we helped each other. Hearing about your mom was really inspiring! I am learning to relax more, after I wrote that and after reading other posts I realized how much better I need to treat myself and cut myself some slack. I looked up imposter syndrome and it sounds a lot of how I view myself. Made me sad I feel so poorly about myself. I think I might spend the rest of the summer learning to love myself and take everything one day at a time. I take ON everything one day at a time lol so that has to change. I’m already feeling better and things don’t feel so horrible after all.
Best of luck to you thanks for your kind words of encouragementJune 1, 2013 at 11:57 am #36323JuliaParticipant
I agree completely with Buddhist Wife and Sheik, although I have a few things to add.
Firstly, I think that amidst all this chaos you seem to be experiencing, you have one extremely important virtue – you daughter! I think your search for purpose can end here. Haha. I agree with what Buddhist Wife said about purpose being made up. You create your purpose through the small things you do and decisions you make on a daily basis. Many single parents in a simmilar situation to you put lots of pressure on themselves to be “a good mom” and provide for their child(ren) which are very valid concerns. However, if you take a step back and look at your daughter’s life, she has no clue about any of your problems, and I am sure she is thrilled about life and thinks you’re the best mom ever. She is fed, clothed, and happy! 🙂 That is an amazing thing! If that’s all you’ve got right now, just remind yourself everyday that you are already succeeding at the most important job you have – a mother, but remember to see it through her eyes, not yours 😉
I also always find it helpful to concentrate on the little things when the “big things” don’t seem to be lining up. There was a time in my life when everything was going wrong, I had extreme anxiety, depression, was failing school, etc. In those moments of desperation and helplessness, I find it helpful to just force yourslef to go and complete some mundane, easy task. For example, wash the dishes. But focus on doing a really good, throrough job. When you are done, you will genuinely feel more accomplished than you did 15 minutes ago. When you can’t get the big picture straight focus on mastering the little things, because after all, they make up the big picture 🙂June 3, 2013 at 8:17 am #36401
Thank you so much for your response. This forum has really changed my life lol. Seriously! I never would of thought there would be so much support and great advice! You are so right about my daughter. She is so happy and has everything she needs and has no clue how I make it happen. I’m a very active mom too so I take her out a lot we go on play dates and I sign her up for things. Somehow I manage to give her everything she needs and that’s all that matters
I wanted to tell you all I finally heard back from my internship and I start Monday 🙂 I know it had something to do with me letting go last week and cutting myself some slack. Going on that interview helped too. All of my patience has finally paid off and i knew that this was a great opportunity.
I’m excited to begin this new chapter in my life, I haven’t worked in 4 years I wouldn’t even know what a pay cheque looks like. I strongly believe in the power of the universe and appreciate the time it took me to get here. I’ve learned so much and have become a better person. I’m glad i can FINALLY move forward.
So thank you ALL and thank you universe 🙂
I will keep you all posted