baggage etc?

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October 9, 2019 at 8:40 am #316921

Natalija
Participant

Valora, yes, I would love to know if there are studies about children and effects of this choice. Because I’m really not sure if this is doing any good to anyone involved. But his premise is this one: he doesn’t know anyone who is a child of divorced parents that didn’t suffer because of it…or blamed themselves. So that’s the main reason behind his choice. And I understand that you would put your children and their benefit first…there’s no question about it…but, at what cost?

And…to make things more interesting….at the moment I am without a job. Lost the last one due to sick leave that was a bit longer. And my wonderful employee used it as a reason to fire me after 6 years. I wasn’t worried since I had another job offer but that one…turned out not to be a good one. So…the situation is not great now, and I’m considering moving to Ireland (we are from Croatia). That would probable be good thing for my career and an end of this relationship. So…that’s another possible direction now, that is a real option.

October 9, 2019 at 8:59 am #316923

Valora
Participant

Honestly, I really think the healthier thing to do for the kids would be to separate completely but get them into counseling so that they have someone to talk to and can learn healthy coping mechanisms related to this situation.. If the parents stay living together for the kids’ sake, they probably shouldn’t date other people for the kids’ sake either, because them dating other people is also likely going to have a negative effect. They may have to accept that they cannot separate without it having SOME negative effect on the kids, and if they are completely worried about them being damaged, they need to just stay together for the next 13 years. This whole thing seems well intentioned but still unhealthy as it’s likely to set an odd example for the kids growing up and can you imagine what their friends are going to say when they get older? I guess it depends on the country though, I don’t know much of the culture in Croatia, so perhaps this is more normal there? Still, it might be a good idea that they at least talk to a psychologist who specializes in children’s clinical psychology to get an opinion on what is actually the best thing to do in this situation if they don’t want to stay together and committed only to each other.

I’m so sorry to hear about your job situation. Perhaps if you do end up moving, you will find better options that will be more stable commitment-wise in the place you move to.

October 9, 2019 at 9:29 am #316933

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Natalija:

“He says he doesn’t feel anything anymore toward her.. he is indifferent now”- for him, indifferent may mean suppressed hurt and anger, but the suppression is evident in his sexual dysfunction, so the proof is in the pudding, so to speak.

“he doesn’t know anyone who is a child of divorce parents that didn’t suffer”- I personally don’t know any child of married parents who didn’t suffer.

anita

October 9, 2019 at 10:40 pm #317061

Natalija
Participant

Valora, they are keeping their dating life a secret at the moment. And probably plan to keep that away from the children. That put aside, I still think kids will figure out that their relationship is not a loving one. But in the end, as anita is saying…there are a lot of married couples who don’t have a perfect relationship and aren’t a good example.

As for the job…the chance for me looking for one outside this country is bigger and bigger. Since that was my wish long time ago and never had a real chance…now I don’t have anything stopping me. And….yesterday he said the wrong thing (for the first time), Don’t know what was his intention, maybe just an innocent comment. But he said he never had quit one job without having another. To me it sounded like a critic of my situation…which I didn’t choose and couldn’t predict (i had a serious job offer at the moment, at least that looked like that).

October 10, 2019 at 4:58 am #317079

Natalija
Participant

Just to add to this conversation last night, he figured out this wasn’t a great thing to say to me…and apologized.

October 10, 2019 at 6:32 am #317093

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Natalija:

This very morning (it is morning here, US), right before waking up, I dreamed about a mistake I made long ago, one that ended in my loss of thousands of dollars, having trusted someone untrustworthy with some information. I felt lots of pain at the time and this morning there was a dull ache of regret where once the pain was acute.

Reading your recent post, regarding the job in Ireland (which you mentioned earlier)- reads to me clearly that it would be a mistake on your part to not go to Ireland, and instead, to stay in the relationship with this man. Wouldn’t it be nice if you don’t wake up one morning with this dull ache of regret???

About him treating you as respectfully as he has been treating you- what if he treats you this way because he has nothing else to offer you- I mean, why would a woman be in a relationship with a him living with a wife and children, keeping the relationship secret for 13 years, if in addition to this he treats her disrespectfully?

He has to bring something attractive into a relationship in these unfavorable circumstances, and that something may very well be the way he looks at you, the words he tells you, the small gestures he makes to you.

anita

October 11, 2019 at 9:35 pm #317413

Peggy
Participant

Hi Natalija,

A couple of days ago walking away wasn’t something that you wanted to do. Suddenly, you have manifested a job opportunity in Ireland and an end to the relationship. Overnight, really?

People blank you when they don’t like what you are saying. I don’t know about you but I’m moving on.

Peggy

October 13, 2019 at 4:03 am #317561

Natalija
Participant

dear Peggy you’ve got it wrong. I haven’t manifested anything. The situation is that I don’t have a job here at the moment (except some freelance project that aren’t enough to support me), and no real offer here in Croatia, so it’s quite possible I will be forced to find a job out of the country and move. I didn’t want to mention it right ahead so it doesn’t affect your answers. And it doesn’t have to be permanent or the end of the relationship…if he thinks it would be ok for someone to wait till his children are grown to have a complete relationship…him waiting for me while I work abroad for 6 months or a year shouldn’t be a problem…

But, who knows what will happen now…maybe I’ll find enough new freelance projects to stay here and work alone, maybe I’ll find a job here…and maybe I’ll have to leave to Ireland…

Regarding the intimacy problem…I see a huge leap now, seems he really needed time to relax. No, we didn’t resolve the problem but it seems it’s in the near future.

October 13, 2019 at 11:13 pm #317671

Peggy
Participant

Dear Natalija,

Thank you for your reply. You are wrong when you say that it doesn’t affect my answers. Clearly it does.

Should you leave for Ireland and a job opportunity which you think can support you? If you do that, will he object? Will your relationship survive? What if the job opportunities in Ireland keep coming? Would that affect how long you would stay in Ireland? What if you meet someone new in Ireland? Are you intending to remain exclusive to married with kids bf? How long do you have to decide on Ireland? Is it better to go with a definite offer now or a much vaguer hope of supporting yourself in Croatia?

Who knows what will happen now? You are the one that knows what will happen. What are you waiting for – a green light? You are the one that creates your life the way you want it. Perhaps you need to seek out a life coach who can help you decide on your direction in life and then help you get there.

Here’s my life coach decision. Take the job in Ireland. Tell your boyfriend that you consider yourself free to embark on other relationships and wish him luck in his life choices. Basically, you have all the power to do exactly as you please, he has none.

Don’t let this opportunity pass you by.

Peggy

January 1, 2020 at 10:59 am #330647
Natalija
Participant
Hi everyone. Just to make the update to this doubt of mine back then.

The situation now is like this: I found a great job here in Croatia (and didn’t have to move to Ireland). It was easier than I expected and I’m very happy with my job now. It’s a stable company, a lot less stresfull job than the last one and I have a good oportunity to get promoted.

I’ve stayed in this relationship. The intimacy problem went away after a while (it was quite a long time, took us 5 months), and I must admit we found a lot of common wishes and ideas we’d like to try, so it was well worth waiting for 😀

We see each other often, spend really nice time together, understand each other and have an unbelievable connection.

And this came as a huge surprise to me, they are now thinking about telling their kids the truth about their situation. They think the older one could figure something out…and it’s hard for them to come up with an excuse every time he comes to see me or she goes away for a week or two to spend time with her partner. Since he was so determinate to keep us a secret and leave the situation as is, I’ve accepted it. Didn’t like it but accepted. And I was even scared now when the things are changing. It seems even too soon. So he said they will consider it and not rush with it jet…but…it’s something they are now ready to do.

So against all odds…this turned better than any of you…or even myself expected.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Natalija.
January 1, 2020 at 11:43 am #330657

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Natalija:

Happy New Year! Good to read your excellent update: you being employed, having a great job, a lot less stressful than the previous ones, with a stable company and with opportunities to be promoted!

The other surprising but good news is that the physical intimacy with your boyfriend was resolved, the emotional intimacy increased, and there may be real changes on the way, which is him living separately from his estranged wife and you and him having a public relationship. Excellent!

I hope to read more from you as the year progresses.

anita
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