Hello,

I have been single for almost 10 years. I am bi sexual and the longest relationship I have been in is 3 months when I was in high school (I was also home schooled). I have been dealing with some loneliness lately. I have been practicing meditation and yoga for 4 years now and it has radically changed my life. But I am still dealing with some pressures and guilt that still need healing and could use some advice.

*Trigger warning

I come from a very conservative/religious family who never fully accepted me and my older brother who is gay (we are a year apart in age). My parents have a terrible relationship. My dad believes he will always be above my mother, therefore mistreats her and belittles her as a women. Very controlling. He is a great provider and definitely loves her in his own way, but because of religion she won’t ever leave him like she should because he never has cheated on her. She is a committed, sweet women who honestly means the world to me. They have a very toxic relationship unfortunately.

When I was young I was sexually abused and had to receive help from other family members and counseling. My parents didn’t believe my experience unfortunately. I was raised in a manual labor environment which meant I had to work hard with my hands for most of my younger life (I am 28) and had to attend religious “No dating till your 18” groups (which later became an issue with my social/dating skills). My dad is a very hyper masculine individual and believes in casual sex. My mom is very religious and believes in no sex till you are married. This was very confusing when I was younger and made me extremely insecure.  When I was 17 my brother and I were kicked out of the house for piercing our ears and listening to heavy metal. They didn’t want us to be a bad influence on our younger siblings (I also have a younger sister and brother). When I moved out I started having a lot of casual sex and got into drugs. But still never had a real committed relationship. I always disconnected to any sexual relationship I had with any girl because of the comparisons I would make with my parents. I always knew I was Bi sexual and I also wanted to explore my sexuality, but because my brother was dealing with the hardship of my parents not accepting him for being gay I never got around to exploring that part of my life till later. My mom found out that I was having sex outside of marriage (I was 21 when she found out) and it broke her heart. Ever since that I have been struggling.

I practice a lot of self-love these days. Some days I have great self esteem, other days I don’t. My sister recently married her middle school sweet heart and my younger brother is in a really great relationship as well. My older brother also has a wonderful boyfriend (Which I am so happy for him!). I still haven’t been able to find out why I cannot seem to find someone who will stay around. After all of the trauma, I have become a more sensitive male figure. I can’t date men in my home town because of my family seeing me and all the woman I take on dates never respond back to me.  A lot of people tell me I am a good looking, kind heart man, but every time I try to date someone it doesn’t work out. When I go on dates and finally start to feel like I can open up with someone, I feel like I scare them with my past (and I hardly go into the gritty details which confuses me). I went on a date last year and we really hit it off for a minute. We went on a few more dates and I told the person that I was bi sexual and it scared her off (which honestly broke my heart).

I still live in my home town which is very conservative and can’t really get into the social scene here anymore. I still live there because of the job/school opportunities I have had. I’ve been struggling with a little loneliness lately because I feel like I have given up with dating here in my hometown. My family honestly makes me feel very small for not being in a relationship. My father tells me how disappointed he is with me not having a wife and kids yet. I feel like I don’t know how to deal with this kind of sadness. I feel like my excuses are “Oh I am practicing self-love, so I can’t be attached to anyone” when someone asks about my dating life. But the truth is I want to have someone in my life. Not to make my life better, but to help me grow. The constant pressure my parents put on me for not being married early in my life is really getting to me. Like, I don’t want to be rushed but  I also need to find someone so that my parents can accept me more. I know, its stupid to seek validation, but these are my homeschooling parents who I have spent almost my whole life around so of course I feel that way!

I just need some encouragement. I have seen plenty of therapists, but I always get this “Your just a really good guy stuff.” I know that relationships are only part of the human experience, but sometimes meditation and yoga feel like a band aid for something that I feel like (or at least my parents make me feel like) I have control over. I am happy for the most part for sure! and I have definitely grown! I believe in the power of meditation for sure. I could just use some advice on my love life right now….