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Been struggling for a few years and want to break free

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  • June 6, 2014 at 1:53 pm #58266
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi everyone,

    I didn’t want my first post here to be in the Tough Times section, but it feels like where I have been for the past few years. I went on a number of the posts that are in this section, and I understand and sympathize with a lot of what you are going through. I’m tired of where I am at and I want to break free of it. I’m just having trouble figuring out how to do it. I’d like to share a bit of my story and maybe some people who found their way back to a better place could share some advice.

    A little over 3 years ago, three days after my 40th birthday, I discovered that my wife of 15 years had been cheating on me for over a year. I was crushed when I found out. It broke me down more than I thought anything I thought ever could. I wasted six months trying to save my marriage. In the end, it was for the best because I came to understand what a selfish, vain, and self-centered person I had married. I was never perfect in our marriage but I was always trying to do my best for her and my two sons.

    I went through the first year in a haze. Every holiday and anniversary was filled with heartache. If I didn’t have my boys, I don’t know what I would have done. I focused on making sure they were ok because I knew I wasn’t. Not much changed with their routine. I was always the one who took them to all their lessons and appointments anyways. This just allowed me to become even more caring as a father.

    After that year, it just got to the point where I couldn’t stand my ex and the way she put other men ahead of her sons. Dealing with her is a continual struggle. Another thing that made things very difficult was working with her brother everyday. There was a constant reminder of your past, and someone who was constantly saying things about your personal life to anyone who would listen. It got to the point where I ended up being off a year because of depression. During that time, I took some medication, and went to counseling. This helped for a while and put me in a better place. In the end, I decided in the end to leave that work place and find other employment.

    Over the time that all this happened, I have tried to move forward and be happier with myself and my life. I have spent so much time being a Dad, I think that I have lost myself somewhat.People I thought I knew suddenly had no time for me, and it’s been difficult getting to know people. I have thought about getting into another relationship but my self confidence seems so low, I don’t know what would have to offer. The last time I dated was over 20 years ago, and a lot of things have changed. I guess I’m just scared. It seems like I am scared of many things lately.

    Right now, I don’t have motivation for the simplest things, like housework. I struggled to find any motivation and drive for anything. This bothers me greatly. Not for only me but what kind of role model am I presenting to my sons.

    I have meditated in the past and I know it helped. I use to workout and I know it makes you better. I have studied self improvement and I know that helps you too. Besides my boys, I don’t see any bright points in my life. Right now, it doesn’t seem like my life can get better. I don’t feel hopeful. I would like to find love again (probably for the first time) but I don’t feel like I deserve it for some reason.

    I was a different person at one time and I want to be that person again. I was happy, funny, and loving. I never gave up when I believed strongly in something. I know that what happened to me affected me deeply but I’m tired of living there anymore. How did some of you break through?

    Thanks for reading this.

    June 6, 2014 at 3:05 pm #58270
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Steve,

    I understand your pain and your down situation. My life especially my family life was shattered something like this several years ago when my wife said she wanted me to move out. There was no cheating, but she pushed me out and made me out to be a bad guy.
    Without getting into the rest of my story, in summary what moved me ahead included:
    – moving out
    – moving away
    – trying to stay in touch with my kids (she made this difficult)
    – seeing a marriage counselor on my own (she would not go)
    – seeing my doctor for adjustment disorder
    – seeing a psychiatrist for adjustment disorder
    – being with friends
    – being with family
    – going to the gym
    – going through a really hard first year or two
    – going through divorce
    – going through several years before I healed (mostly)
    – being patient for years for my kids to relate to me normally again
    – going a few years before dating
    – dating even though I said I was not totally ready
    – taking several years to get my confidence back
    – taking several years before my ex-wife and I could lose the anger and just talk normally, like about our kids.

    It’s been about eight years now and I’m doing well.

    I hope this helps.

    Big blue

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Big blue.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Big blue.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Big blue.
    June 6, 2014 at 5:46 pm #58279
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hi Steve and Big Blue

    I agree with Big Blue’s lists of things to get your life back on track.

    You will be in my prayers. Sometimes, our loved ones do the most astonishing and heartbreaking things but hey, we cant change them or our circumstances. We can, however, be kind to ourselves and our own needs. It seems to be that your heart is seeking love.

    Any possibility of finding a new lovely lady for companionship ? In your surrounds if you look around, there should be someone there for you 🙂

    Blessings,

    Jasmine

    June 6, 2014 at 11:07 pm #58287
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks Big Blue. It is good to hear from someone who really knows what it like to go through this. I wish I was one of those people who rebounded quickly from a marriage breakdown but I wasn’t able to do that. It seems like I would take a step forward then I take a couple back. I had done a number of the things on the list already. I guess things just take time and I have to keep trying to move forward. One thing that will probably never happen again is her and I talking together.

    Thank-you Jasmine. I appreciate your kind words. I think everyone is seeking love and I think I miss having a connection with someone special. It would probably help if I showed myself a little love first. I can’t rely on someone else to give it to me first. The year I didn’t know why things seemed off in my marriage, I felt less and less love and caring towards me. It became emotionally crippling to pushed aside by someone you thought cared about you.

    Also, there are tons of single women of all ages everywhere, in my surrounding area and beyond. I think it is just the adjustment to online dating. For several years, I wasn’t a social butterfly. I was always with my boys and it is almost challenging to interact with other adults. One thing I think I am realizing is that I am not giving off the right kind of positive energy that attracts people to me.

    June 7, 2014 at 6:43 pm #58319
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Hey Steve @guitardude

    You become what you think about. Pls do not feed your mind this, “I think I am realising is…..I am not giving off the right kind of positive energy that attracts people to me”.

    Hey, hard times come and go just like the day and night. Nothing is permanent in this world, is it ? Let go of your limiting beliefs and you will automatically be exuding loads of positivity. It is all in our hands.

    Lets hope you give yourself a decent dose of self love and a beautiful companion finds their way to your heart sooner rather than later :). You are not meant to suffer.

    Blessings,

    J

    June 8, 2014 at 1:19 am #58326
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey Jasmine,

    I have been working on being more conscious of my inner voice and what I let it tell me. Everything has been a work in progress and I know things have to turn around eventually. I spent my last year of marriage being told what a bad person I was. Until I finally left it behind, I worked at a place with some of the most negative and mean spirited people you could ever meet. I let the outside world wear me down and I shouldn’t have. There was a time when I would brush off people like that. I was positive in the face of any adversity, and that is where I will be again.

    Thanks again for the positive words.

    June 9, 2014 at 5:40 pm #58439
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Keep up your good work Steve. You have all the best wishes from my end 🙂

    Jasmine

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