I really enjoyed reading your posting, Mark, and I heard you loud and clear. :0). I think your issue is very relatable in a self-obsessed culture. It’s great that you’re so giving of yourself in helpful assistance to others – even when they take you for granted and only care to talk about themselves. A lot of people aren’t self aware at all; they can’t escape the clutter in their minds that causes them to obsess over their own lives. You have the advantage of being more disciplined and caring. You can stop your own clutter to help in genuine interest of others, and acknowledgment of how that also helps you. What a great skill you’re mastering. :0)

I know it ca get frustrating, and I don’t blame you for needing to vent. We all need to vent now and then, eh?

Glad I could be someone who listened to you. :0)

Laurie

I don’t think it’s that much to ask that the other person show their interest in you at least a little bit. I’ve recently realised that it’s really easy to tell when somebody is just being friendly but doesn’t want to be friends, they don’t really ask you anything or show any interest and you have to do all the initialising.

Of course some people are just not good conversationalists, but usually even the most introverted people give a tiny bit of feedback. If you get completely nothing for a while then it becomes sadly obvious that friendship is just not happening, even if the conversations themselves are alright.

Mark,

I’m sorry for your suffering, brother, and can understand the attachment to wanting to be heard. Sometimes when we’ve felt isolated, different, apart, we’re left with a skewed way of sharing compassion. Said differently, consider that in an absence of this tangle, this attachment, perhaps you could have more space inside, whereby the “other person” that is self absorbed doesn’t disrupt your equanimity, your peace. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider perhaps that as a boy, some difficult emotions came up, especially being empathic. Seeking and learning was fine, status quo, staying low key, out of sight. Mom and Dad helped with that “just fit in”. But, you have a vibrant and loving heart, and so you had to suppress so much of what you wished to say. Now, as though to make up for it, you really want to be heard, to be seen.

Not that mutual connections are bad, of course they’re great. However, we sometimes forget that people can’t see us when they’re distracted by their own stuff. Which means they’re caught in their own tangle, or they’d be open and peaceful (or their need is immediate, but you already respond lovingly to crisis). So, in such a way, suffering is spread. They’re suffering, no space for Mark. Then Mark closes his space to them with invalidation. No space, no peace.

Avoidance, such as not having friends that don’t make space is a fine way. Its clear you want something more, such as not to be disturbed when it does happen. This is actually waaaay simpler than you’ve been making it. Its not actually “in the moment” that we need to find some perceptual twist to make the invalidation stop arising. Rather, we go back to the boy, sitting alone in his desk, and simply sit with him, sing to him. Yes, young mark, you have lots of beautiful things to say. Yes, dear child, you’re biting your tongue over and over. We hear mom and dad calling out their fear to you. “Stay hidden, stay safe.” Its OK, young mark, just be patient. Your time to shine will come. You’ll get your chance to show them how fricken amazing you are, how much you see, think, feel and understand… and that empathy… whew! Not here, that’s true, that’s ok, not here in the desk. But later… so be patient for now. Just let go and wait for your chance. And so on. Your heart is bright, I’m sure you’ll tend that boy well.

Then, the space is just open, so instead of seeing someone caught in their story and not seeing ours, we simply see an interesting story, and talk about whatever comes to heart. Then, as we walk away, we feel refreshed, stable, light. Even if all we talked about was their struggle with their whatnots and widgets. Who cares? Easy in, easy out. Consider, when we are compassionate, spacious for others, we experience the connection, the intimacy in realtime, rather than feeling it was real because stories were exchanged. And, because we shared our space with them, perhaps their entanglement will lessen. Win-win!

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Mark,

There is nothing more I can say that the other’s havent – I have seen you on here lots and you have always responded to my questions and issues with such patience and kindness. That makes me imagine how much more supportive and kind you would be to people in your life. They are very lucky to have you and your friendship.

I think I agree with the people who have said that sometimes, when there is too much noise in my head, I tend to talk and ruminate and then some more all about me. Im generally not someone like that and I never intend to make it about me but during that bad head space it ends up being about me and I dont like it one bit. But Ive also been on the other side, known that the person needed someone to listen to and other times, felt the same as you have felt. But I do realise that with people closest to me, it is a give and take – some days it is all about them, others all about me. And on others, we are sailing together in balance. I have and will always be curious about other people and their experiences and enjoy listening more than I like talking about myself (but like you said, we need to share for them to be curious about us).

Sadly, we have all encountered the one-sided friendships, which we have had to walk away from. We have all tried with these but it gets clearer and clearer that the other person isnt in it to listen to us or know about us. Best to walk away.

Thank you for sharing this with us and thank you for all your patience, I hope your caring nature is always appreciated by everyone in your life (far and near).

With Warmth,
Lily