Hi Andromeda

My deepest condolences for the loss of your nephew.

Also, I’m sorry for the delay in response to your post. You posted on the 13th and I’m finally seeing it on the 15th. The forum has been unusually busy recently and your post was pushed to the 2nd page. I don’t believe that many people have seen your post yet.

You did your best for your nephew, looking after him as a child because of his mother’s poor health.

Last time he reached out to you, you told offered for him to come back and stay for some emotional support. You weren’t fully informed of his circumstances. You did all that you could.

That is a very special experience that you had on Thurday. I’m glad that it brought a sense of peace.

I’m sorry for all of the pain you are feeling. Please take your time and grieve. Let it all out and try your best to take care of yourself during this difficult time. Lean on your husband for support and please feel free to share your thoughts and feelings here.

Might I suggest reaching out to your sister as well? I know it might be a lot to handle at the moment, both her feelings and yours. But she could potentially be a suicide risk herself now that her son has passed. I don’t know if she has anyone taking care of her?

Wishing you healing in your grieving process. 🙏 🕊️

Hello, I am sorry for your loss.

Dear Andromeda:

* I am adding this comment after putting an hour and a half into this post and realizing that I am not close to completing it. Please take your time reading this, perhaps over hours or a few days, because parts of it will be distressing to read (if you choose to read it). It is not in me to say just anything, whatever may make you feel better for a moment. I only say what I honestly believe to be true because I find some longer-term refuge in learning and knowing what is true. Here is my post:

You are welcome. On Thursday morning, October 5, you- out of the blue- “heard/felt him say to me that he had done horrible things and couldn’t cope with his emotions anymore“. You found out that evening that he was no longer alive.

For five days (Oct 5-Oct 10), you “felt his presence strongly.. sensed huge regret“, and then you “saw a strong bright light surround him, I knew somehow that he was moving on to his next life“.

“He was special, very popular, funny, intelligent, spiritual, quirky, his friends and family described him as a beacon of light“.

(I am adding the boldface feature selectively in the following quote and will comment on them next): “I can’t cope with this pain and guilt.  I loved him so much. I let him down… he started not answering my messages, I never tried to ring him, left it to my sister and his Mother. I let him slip away, too consumed with my own problems, I was going through a very difficult time and struggling with depression…. he had been prescribed all sorts of medication, which he was stopping and starting. He was also due to have an mri because he had numbness and pain in his legs. He thought he had MS… the weekend before he took his life, his friends he had been sharing a house with, which he called family, all left him to move into another property. He was left on his own.  Abandoned again…  My sister and Mother had been sending him money. They finally told him that they couldn’t keep sending money, that he needed to come back. I sent a message offering to stay with me or in a caravan. He didn’t answer but Why didn’t I phone him. He said to my other sister that he didn’t want to come back home, said he would rather kill himself…”-

– my thoughts this Monday morning: (1) what happened first is that he started not answering your messages; what happened second was that you didn’t ring him. I imagine, based on what you shared in your original post (“I struggle with my mental health and my negativity pushes people away. My presence has no positive affect on people so Over the years I’ve become a recluse”) that when he stopped answering your messages, you thought that he stopped because your negativity pushed him away and that contact with you had a negative affect on him, and so, your motivation was to protect him from your perceived negativity/ negative affect, to protect the person you loved so much.

“My last message to him was to encourage him to come home for a while to get his head straight, I offered to put him up… I sent a message offering to stay with me or in a caravan“- this is a huge offer that you made to him, an offer to help him at a time of great need.

“I sent a message offering to stay with me or in a caravan. He didn’t answer, But why didn’t I phone him“?- I am guessing that you didn’t phone him because you were no longer in the habit of ringing him (after he stopped answering your messages). When we get used to a certain way, it’s difficult to change it; we are creatures of habit.

And perhaps you were afraid to hear his pain, if you were to talk to him. It is very, very difficult to hear the pain in the voice of someone we love so much, particularly one we loved as a child, knowing him- or her-  as the innocent, pure trusting young child.

(2) About “I let him down“- If you look at a very small part of the whole/ big picture then.. yes, you let him down. I am not saying this lightly as I myself have let someone very important to me down, someone much younger who looked up to me as a child, and I too felt so very guilty about it. Please keep reading as I explain the big picture that is evident to me:

We humans have let each other down, failing each other, for thousands of years, from parents and other adults failing the children under their care to leaders and persons in positions of power failing the millions and billions of people who have no choice but to live (and die) under their power. It’s been going on from one generation to the next for too long, and it’s coming to a boiling point, almost literally (climate change).

Those in positions of power, financially and politically, are not bothering to read this post or to hear the cries of the millions of people suffering. They are too self-centered and selfish to care or to give up their power.. no matter what. You and I are two out of billions of people on the same boat, without power to change the current global reality.  We can only do what we can do: help who we can help, in whatever way we can, beginning with the Buddhist principle of Do-No-Harm to others.

We .. who need help, need to help others: this is how we can transcend our personal weakness and impotence and become strong in the midst of this current global great distress, which includes your nephew’s (past) distress and that of many millions.. including our own.

“I let him down“- and so did his mother, and his father, and his other aunt and the health professionals who prescribed him with medications and maybe neglected to follow through with treatment, professionals who could have done more.. and his friends perhaps who moved away and so forth, and many more. And then the  numbness and pain in his legs added to the mix, and lack of money.

You wrote: “I can’t cope with this pain and guilt“-I share your pain, and I suffered from Guilt for decades.. You are not alone. Like I wrote earlier in this message, we all failed each other. Lots of people failed you, lots failed me , and here we are. Question is: how do we proceed as individuals- and together (here in this public forum)?

“I feel as though I’m drowning and Feel that my life will now be left in more darkness…I saw a strong bright light surround him, I knew somehow that he was moving on to his next life… He was.. a beacon of light“-

– what if his spirit sent you a message:  to let his light into your darkness, into mine, into that of anyone who may be reading your thread, and individually, and together- wherever, whenever possible- we can transcend our individual impotence and help each other in any way we can…?

anita

Dear Judy:

I am so very sorry for your huge loss.

You are welcome, and thank you for submitting your heart-felt, moving, inspiring post. You gave the testimony of a loving mother doing her best to live by her daughter’s message.

Your daughter’s message:  “There is ‘only love’ that matters in this life here, on this plane. That there is purpose to my life. That she has purpose where she is and I have purpose where I am. Only love.”

Thank you for caring to let me know that my words reached you in a positive way: it is kind, and indeed loving of you to bother to let me know.

“Anita, your deep response to Andromeda- about how humans fail humans IS HUMAN, saved my soul today. It is so hard to live through such traumatic deaths of loved one’s let alone fighting those guilt and shame thoughts on top of just rising out of bed“- may guilt and shame be peeled off your grief; your grief is painful enough.

Your daughter’s message: There is Only Love.                                 Only Love:  Not Shame, Not Guilt, not for you.

I wish you well on your job interview tomorrow. If you would like to communicate with me further about emotional regulation, which you say is your biggest obstacle, and about anything else, you are welcome to start your own thread- if you want to-  by going to the top of the page to FORUMS, scrolling down to ALL FORUMS and take it from there.

I hope that Andromeda reads your message when she is ready, and that she will get back to you, if she is able. My heart goes out to the two of you.

anita

Thank you both Anita and Andromeda—-so much for your kind replies. I am going to go back and be a lot more detailed in another reply- because I have so much more to say but I’m a little overwhelmed right now and I thank you so much. Grief is also isolating.

thank you Andromeda for sharing that about your nephew. My daughter was also an actress and she went to the Academy of Dramatic Arts in New York City right out of high school.

i’m so happy my words helped and it makes me feel so good you’re going to share this with your sister Andromeda. And thank you Anita I will start another forum. I would love to talk more.

I’ll write to you both tomorrow and I appreciate you so much.