October 13, 2023 at 8:27 am #422960
Last week I was given the shocking news that my young Nephew had taken his life. I looked after him a lot since he was a baby because my sister was unable to cope due to having MS. After he went to uni we were not in much contact. I struggle with my mental health and my negativity pushes people away. My presence has no positive affect on people so Over the years I’ve become a recluse. My Nephew was also struggling with his mental health, but I never knew how bad it had become. He was struggling with money, about to be evicted, etc..my last message to him was to encourage him to come home for a while to get his head straight, I offered to put him up. On the Tuesday he rang his Mum to say that he will always love her, but she was distracted because she was having health issues..we believe he took his life later that day…he wasn’t found until Thursday. Thursday morning, out of the blue, I heard him say to me that he couldn’t deal with his emotions anymore. I told my husband right after, that I couldn’t understand where that came from and I thought I was going a bit crazy. I feel as though I’m drowning and Feel that my life will now be left in more darkness.
I am not a Buddhist, nor religious, but I came here after a vision/feeling I had last night of my Nephew, I felt a sense of peace and his spirit was now leaving and entering in to his next life.October 14, 2023 at 9:36 pm #423113HelcatParticipant
My deepest condolences for the loss of your nephew.
Also, I’m sorry for the delay in response to your post. You posted on the 13th and I’m finally seeing it on the 15th. The forum has been unusually busy recently and your post was pushed to the 2nd page. I don’t believe that many people have seen your post yet.
You did your best for your nephew, looking after him as a child because of his mother’s poor health.
Last time he reached out to you, you told offered for him to come back and stay for some emotional support. You weren’t fully informed of his circumstances. You did all that you could.
That is a very special experience that you had on Thurday. I’m glad that it brought a sense of peace.
I’m sorry for all of the pain you are feeling. Please take your time and grieve. Let it all out and try your best to take care of yourself during this difficult time. Lean on your husband for support and please feel free to share your thoughts and feelings here.
Might I suggest reaching out to your sister as well? I know it might be a lot to handle at the moment, both her feelings and yours. But she could potentially be a suicide risk herself now that her son has passed. I don’t know if she has anyone taking care of her?
Wishing you healing in your grieving process. 🙏 🕊️October 15, 2023 at 10:18 am #423126
I am so sorry for your huge loss, and I am sorry that your nephew suffered so much.. so very sorry. It is heartbreaking.
He was found this last Thursday, Oct 12, three days ago? And on the night of Oct 12, you had a vision/ feeling about his spirit entering the next life. Can you tell me more about the vision you had..? And how are you feeling today?
anitaOctober 15, 2023 at 2:59 pm #423132
Thank you for your kind messages.
My nephew was found Thursday 5th October, I was told that evening. On that the morning, out of the blue I heard/felt him say to me that he had done horrible things and couldn’t cope with his emotions anymore, I told my husband at the time.
I felt his presence strongly until about 5 days after, I sensed huge regret, then I saw a strong bright light surround him, I knew somehow that he was moving on to his next life. He was special, very popular, funny, intelligent, spiritual, quirky, his friends and family described him as a beacon of light.
I can’t cope with this pain and guilt. I loved him so much. I let him down. He came to live with us when he was 8 years old, but months later I had a mental breakdown because I couldn’t cope with caring for him, I had no support and I was also having to deal with my sister who was not coping with having MS, she had become an alcoholic. My other sister had to take him on when she already had other children to look after. I still saw him regularly and supported him. When he turned 16 he moved back in with his mother, which wasn’t good for his emotional well-being. He went to uni in 2020, he started not answering my messages, I never tried to ring him, left it to my sister and his Mother. I let him slip away, too consumed with my own problems, I was going through a very difficult time and struggling with depression. I only saw him a few times at Christmas. But he was in regular telephone contact with other family members. For the past few months he had been ringing my sister and his mother. They said he was having mental health problems, Apparently he had been prescribed all sorts of medication, which he was stopping and starting. He was also due to have an mri because he had numbness and pain in his legs. He thought he had MS. I recently learnt that the weekend before he took his life, his friends he had been sharing a house with, which he called family, all left him to move into another property. He was left on his own. Abandoned again. I was aware that he couldn’t afford to stay where he was, he had left uni, struggled financially. My sister and Mother had been sending him money. They finally told him that they couldn’t keep sending money, that he needed to come back. I sent a message offering to stay with me or in a caravan. He didn’t answer but Why didn’t I phone him. He said to my other sister that he didn’t want to come back home, said he would rather kill himself. No one thought he actually meant it.
My poor sister has lost her son, she keeps saying that she can’t deal with the guilt that he had rang to say goodbye, she thought he was being over dramatic again, if she had told someone, perhaps we could’ve tried to ring him or phone the police. I am partly angry with her, angry at myself. But my sister is left to suffer even more, she is wheelchair bound, lonely and we don’t know how to help her.October 15, 2023 at 6:18 pm #423136
I read your 2nd post, still- heartbreaking. Your pain is immense. I want to re-read and reply Mon morning when I am more focused. Will be back to you in about 12 hours from now.
anitaOctober 15, 2023 at 8:53 pm #423106MaryParticipant
Hello, I am sorry for your loss.October 15, 2023 at 9:01 pm #423078RobertaParticipant
My heart goes out to you & your family. I found the contemplation below helped me when I had to deal with family bereavement.October 16, 2023 at 12:51 pm #423431
* I am adding this comment after putting an hour and a half into this post and realizing that I am not close to completing it. Please take your time reading this, perhaps over hours or a few days, because parts of it will be distressing to read (if you choose to read it). It is not in me to say just anything, whatever may make you feel better for a moment. I only say what I honestly believe to be true because I find some longer-term refuge in learning and knowing what is true. Here is my post:
You are welcome. On Thursday morning, October 5, you- out of the blue- “heard/felt him say to me that he had done horrible things and couldn’t cope with his emotions anymore“. You found out that evening that he was no longer alive.
For five days (Oct 5-Oct 10), you “felt his presence strongly.. sensed huge regret“, and then you “saw a strong bright light surround him, I knew somehow that he was moving on to his next life“.
“He was special, very popular, funny, intelligent, spiritual, quirky, his friends and family described him as a beacon of light“.
(I am adding the boldface feature selectively in the following quote and will comment on them next): “I can’t cope with this pain and guilt. I loved him so much. I let him down… he started not answering my messages, I never tried to ring him, left it to my sister and his Mother. I let him slip away, too consumed with my own problems, I was going through a very difficult time and struggling with depression…. he had been prescribed all sorts of medication, which he was stopping and starting. He was also due to have an mri because he had numbness and pain in his legs. He thought he had MS… the weekend before he took his life, his friends he had been sharing a house with, which he called family, all left him to move into another property. He was left on his own. Abandoned again… My sister and Mother had been sending him money. They finally told him that they couldn’t keep sending money, that he needed to come back. I sent a message offering to stay with me or in a caravan. He didn’t answer but Why didn’t I phone him. He said to my other sister that he didn’t want to come back home, said he would rather kill himself…”-
– my thoughts this Monday morning: (1) what happened first is that he started not answering your messages; what happened second was that you didn’t ring him. I imagine, based on what you shared in your original post (“I struggle with my mental health and my negativity pushes people away. My presence has no positive affect on people so Over the years I’ve become a recluse”) that when he stopped answering your messages, you thought that he stopped because your negativity pushed him away and that contact with you had a negative affect on him, and so, your motivation was to protect him from your perceived negativity/ negative affect, to protect the person you loved so much.
“My last message to him was to encourage him to come home for a while to get his head straight, I offered to put him up… I sent a message offering to stay with me or in a caravan“- this is a huge offer that you made to him, an offer to help him at a time of great need.
“I sent a message offering to stay with me or in a caravan. He didn’t answer, But why didn’t I phone him“?- I am guessing that you didn’t phone him because you were no longer in the habit of ringing him (after he stopped answering your messages). When we get used to a certain way, it’s difficult to change it; we are creatures of habit.
And perhaps you were afraid to hear his pain, if you were to talk to him. It is very, very difficult to hear the pain in the voice of someone we love so much, particularly one we loved as a child, knowing him- or her- as the innocent, pure trusting young child.
(2) About “I let him down“- If you look at a very small part of the whole/ big picture then.. yes, you let him down. I am not saying this lightly as I myself have let someone very important to me down, someone much younger who looked up to me as a child, and I too felt so very guilty about it. Please keep reading as I explain the big picture that is evident to me:
We humans have let each other down, failing each other, for thousands of years, from parents and other adults failing the children under their care to leaders and persons in positions of power failing the millions and billions of people who have no choice but to live (and die) under their power. It’s been going on from one generation to the next for too long, and it’s coming to a boiling point, almost literally (climate change).
Those in positions of power, financially and politically, are not bothering to read this post or to hear the cries of the millions of people suffering. They are too self-centered and selfish to care or to give up their power.. no matter what. You and I are two out of billions of people on the same boat, without power to change the current global reality. We can only do what we can do: help who we can help, in whatever way we can, beginning with the Buddhist principle of Do-No-Harm to others.
We .. who need help, need to help others: this is how we can transcend our personal weakness and impotence and become strong in the midst of this current global great distress, which includes your nephew’s (past) distress and that of many millions.. including our own.
“I let him down“- and so did his mother, and his father, and his other aunt and the health professionals who prescribed him with medications and maybe neglected to follow through with treatment, professionals who could have done more.. and his friends perhaps who moved away and so forth, and many more. And then the numbness and pain in his legs added to the mix, and lack of money.
You wrote: “I can’t cope with this pain and guilt“-I share your pain, and I suffered from Guilt for decades.. You are not alone. Like I wrote earlier in this message, we all failed each other. Lots of people failed you, lots failed me , and here we are. Question is: how do we proceed as individuals- and together (here in this public forum)?
“I feel as though I’m drowning and Feel that my life will now be left in more darkness…I saw a strong bright light surround him, I knew somehow that he was moving on to his next life… He was.. a beacon of light“-
– what if his spirit sent you a message: to let his light into your darkness, into mine, into that of anyone who may be reading your thread, and individually, and together- wherever, whenever possible- we can transcend our individual impotence and help each other in any way we can…?
anitaOctober 17, 2023 at 9:55 am #423473
To Andromeda and Anita,
Thank you so much for both opening up. And I had to respond, especially since Anita mentioned that your (Andromeda) nephew’s light could be a beacon, even now, in reading your post. And I can say that it is. So thank you.
I came across this post as I am searching, searching, searching for meaning. Meaning to life, meaning to my days. I cannot hold a job. And by google and clicking I found myself here at Tiny Buddha, which I often do. So to continue on, Anita, I found your responses and conversations with Banananananana- about leaving jobs. First of all, your advice there helped me immensely. To make a long story short I too suffer from I’m sure, although undiagnosed, ADHD…and depression. (Diagnosed)
To get to my point here, I lost my daughter to overdose in 2018. Thus me clicking on bereavement in the forums today. Andromeda- my heart goes out to you so dearly and so deeply. You truly did everything you could, but the guilt and shame subside and I can see that in your words. I too feel this. I failed my daughter. And Anita, your deep response to Andromeda- about how humans fail humans IS HUMAN, saved my soul today. It is so hard to live through such traumatic deaths of loved one’s let alone fighting those guilt and shame thoughts on top of just rising out of bed.
I am leaving yet ANOTHER job as I am struggling so much to just be in the world right now. But realizing I have never been that good at keeping jobs, and with the added hopelessness of losing my daughter, it all seems so pointless. More so than ever before.
Thank you both for being a beacon of light to me in a day of struggle, and Andromeda, thank your nephew for me. I will surely be sending him light as well.
And to speak a little on the visions/voice you heard Andromeda, from your nephew, I too have several from my daughter. She endlessly tells me there is ‘only love’ that matters in this life here, on this plane. That there is purpose to my life. That she has purpose where she is and I have purpose where I am. Only love.
Believe me, I do not always have a positive attitude. It’s very difficult, and I try and believe her every day. But that is ALWAYS her answer to me. ‘There is only love.’ And most of the time that makes me mad, because life here right now is so hard for so many. I have a job interview tomorrow for a hair stylist, which I have quit doing, because you have to talk so much, but I have GOT to keep my apartment. I have to be a person. In the world. And I would much rather stay home. But I won’t have a home if I don’t work and right now I am working at an Amazon warehouse and my body can’t do it. I’m 57 years old and can’t seem to figure this out. I thought working somewhere where I don’t have to be a person, would work. But it does not.
I am going to curl my hair, put on an outfit, and get a job this week. I don’t want to. I am learning a lot about something you mentioned Anita, in Banananana’s post- emotional regulation. My biggest obstacle. ( that might have been someone else…but you DID mention DBT and that to is so helpful with this.) thank you thank you.
Anyway- looooong reply. But I did want to acknowledge both of you and thank both of you so much. Sending you so much love!
Andromeda- what is your nephews name? What was he studying in school? He sounds like such a great kid. I would love to hear more about him!
❤️ JudyOctober 17, 2023 at 11:14 am #423480
I am so very sorry for your huge loss.
You are welcome, and thank you for submitting your heart-felt, moving, inspiring post. You gave the testimony of a loving mother doing her best to live by her daughter’s message.
Your daughter’s message: “There is ‘only love’ that matters in this life here, on this plane. That there is purpose to my life. That she has purpose where she is and I have purpose where I am. Only love.”
Thank you for caring to let me know that my words reached you in a positive way: it is kind, and indeed loving of you to bother to let me know.
“Anita, your deep response to Andromeda- about how humans fail humans IS HUMAN, saved my soul today. It is so hard to live through such traumatic deaths of loved one’s let alone fighting those guilt and shame thoughts on top of just rising out of bed“- may guilt and shame be peeled off your grief; your grief is painful enough.
Your daughter’s message: There is Only Love. Only Love: Not Shame, Not Guilt, not for you.
I wish you well on your job interview tomorrow. If you would like to communicate with me further about emotional regulation, which you say is your biggest obstacle, and about anything else, you are welcome to start your own thread- if you want to- by going to the top of the page to FORUMS, scrolling down to ALL FORUMS and take it from there.
I hope that Andromeda reads your message when she is ready, and that she will get back to you, if she is able. My heart goes out to the two of you.
anitaOctober 17, 2023 at 3:49 pm #423493
<p class=”p2″>Anita – I’m sorry to read that you have also suffered pain., and I really appreciate the time you have taken to write back to me, your words are helping me, thank you 🙏</p>
<p class=”p2″>Today I sat with my sister – my Nephews mother – I managed to put my own pain aside and tried to comfort her. I told her about my vision of the light, she asked me to describe it, but it was hard to put in to words; it was as though he was the centre and the light radiated from him, like the rays from a beautiful sunrise. She did take comfort in this. </p>
<p class=”p2″>My sister told me the last conversation that she had with her son, it was painful to hear. He was clearly distressed. He talked about growing up, how bad he had felt, not living with his own family, etc..he thanked my sister for all that she’d done for him, said he’d loved her. He also mentioned Diazepam…</p>
<p class=”p2″>It’s usually in the evenings when I go over what happened in my head, I am then overcome with a sense of terror, I’m trapped in a nightmare and I have panic attacks. </p>
<p class=”p2″>I never knew that this type of pain and darkness existed – and I’ve suffered depressive episodes and Suicide thoughts, this is far worse. My whole family are devastated and that is also hard to witness. </p>
<p class=”p2″>I want to be stronger to enable myself to help them. I am angry and ashamed with myself that I wasn’t stronger over these past few years. I could’ve made a difference. I have lost myself, withdrawn from people, suffer social anxiety. I thought I had nothing to give.</p>
<p class=”p2″>Judy – I am so sorry to hear that you have suffered the loss of your Daughter. </p>
<p class=”p2″>Thank you for also taking the time to write to me.</p>
<p class=”p2″>My Nephew was studying Drama, he was a very talented, we all thought that one day he would be famous. He was very popular in his home town and also when he moved away. On Sunday evening, all his friends held a vigil at a special place he used to visit, which was high up on a mound overlooking the city. I’ve seen pictures and it is very sad but beautiful. There was an area carpeted with candles and flowers, surrounded by so many people, so much love. I expect people from the city below would’ve seen the mound all lit up, like a beacon…They played his favourite music and released lanterns.</p>
<p class=”p2″>I’m sorry to hear of your struggles with keeping a job. You say you also hear your Daughters voice, telling you that only love matters. I Believe that. This is the worse thing that has ever happened to me and all that matters right now is the love that we have for each other. </p>
<p class=”p2″>Does this pain get more bearable, I know it won’t ever go away? Did you or are you having counselling? Did it help? I’m not sure how to help my sister.</p>
<p class=”p2″>I really do sense that you have so much to give. Maybe that’s your purpose in life, to help others?</p>October 17, 2023 at 3:59 pm #423494
Thank you for showing me this. I’ve also sent this to other family members.October 17, 2023 at 4:19 pm #423495
Good reading back from you, and I hope that Judy will soon read your reply as well.
You did a good job comforting your sister!
It is Tues late afternoon here and I want to reply further to you when I am more focused and not as tired as I am now, so I will get back to you Wed morning. I hope that you have a restful night.. You deserve rest and peace of mind.
anitaOctober 17, 2023 at 4:23 pm #423496
Thank you both Anita and Andromeda—-so much for your kind replies. I am going to go back and be a lot more detailed in another reply- because I have so much more to say but I’m a little overwhelmed right now and I thank you so much. Grief is also isolating.
thank you Andromeda for sharing that about your nephew. My daughter was also an actress and she went to the Academy of Dramatic Arts in New York City right out of high school.
i’m so happy my words helped and it makes me feel so good you’re going to share this with your sister Andromeda. And thank you Anita I will start another forum. I would love to talk more.
I’ll write to you both tomorrow and I appreciate you so much.October 17, 2023 at 4:37 pm #423498
yes I’ve gotten counseling, i also connected a lot with grievers on Instagram of all places—- there are quite a few—- in the early early days of grief everything was just a fog. My brain was overwhelmed. I feel like grief puts holes in your brain. in the last five years I’ve done a ton of reading. I’ve moved like 8 times times probably I’ve had so many jobs always searching, searching, searching and learning about grief and there is no way out and no it never goes away. One thing you do in Grief though is find new friends and adjust to a new life. I guess you learn to manage it better and I’m no expert, but I didn’t want to leave you hanging on that. And all of the feelings you’re having are normal — you feel crazy you feel bad you feel stupid you feel shame you feel happy when you think about him sometimes and you feel like it’s not real and they’re really just…no rules. So hold on tight to your loved ones sometimes just having people to talk about your person with it’s so comforting.