Dear marie:

You believe that while you were away for the summer, once your roommate and love interest (I’ll refer to her as H) broke up with her  boyfriend, your mutual friends should have notified you, so that you would have had the opportunity to tell H how you feel and see if she will have a relationship with her. What happened instead, is that another friend (I’ll refer to him or her as F) who also had feelings for H, did not give you the opportunity to approach H first, and instead approached her first, ahead of line, so to speak.  Did I understand correctly?

anita

Der marie:

“H knew it would upset me and intentionally did not want to tell me before I got back“- so H knew about your feelings for her even though you didn’t tell her. I guess one of your roommates told her.. maybe F told her,  before starting a relationship with her?

anita

Dear marie:

It sucks to be left out, so I understand that frustration and I am sorry that you happen to experience being left out.

It looks like H did not share the feelings you had for her, and whether you were told ahead of time that she broke up with her boyfriend, or not wouldn’t have made a difference as far as your chances of having a relationship with her.

Do you think the group circle left you out because of your anger over the situation, as in… no one likes an angry person in their midst?

anita

Dear marie:

If F (and others of the friend circle) told H that you have feelings for her, and H responded that she doesn’t and that she is not interested in a relationship with you, then neither F nor the others had a responsibility to ask your permission for H to have a relationship with F  because there is no such thing as a first-come-first served rule when it comes to romantic relationships.

“Everyone gets to move on and I’m the one betrayed and hurt“- I don’t know you but I still feel bad that you feel hurt and left out, yet.. I don’t see a real betrayal, not if H was told that you were interested in her and she responded that she wasn’t.  What do you think?

anita

Dear marie:

You are welcome, and you are right: you deserved a warning, definitely- so to soften the blow. I wouldn’t use the word betray to describe what they did, more like they disappointed you, they didn’t do right by you. I wish they apologized for that.

Generally, we people do disappoint each other once in a while, wish we didn’t.. but we do, and within reason we should forgive each other: not for betrayals but for disappointments. What do you think?

anita

Dear marie:

I wouldn’t ignore what happened, I’d tell them all that it’s been difficult for you, a difficult adjustment, that you were disappointed to not have been told of the situation before you returned… but then, you know that you are not perfect either, and that you all improve and get close again, closer than lately. Something like that, you choose your words, of course, plan ahead what you’d tell them and when. You can ask them how they feel about what you said, about the situation… and take it from there.

anita