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Betrayal of a friend

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  • #407990
    marie
    Participant

    I am really struggling to deal with a difficult situation with my group of friends.  For two years, I had feelings for one of my roommates, but did not share them with her as she was in a relationship. Other people in our friend circle knew. I left for the summer and she broke up with her boyfriend and started dating another of our friends who knew about my feelings. NO ONE told me. I returned to the situation feeling very betrayed. I asked my roommate not to bring her new partner to our house. Now she is always there, which I understand, but the entire friend circle seems to stay connected with them and not me.  I’m torn between protecting myself and feeling like I have to be the one to forgive when they were the ones who handled this all so poorly. How do I forgive and move on?

    #407999
    anita
    Participant

    Dear marie:

    You believe that while you were away for the summer, once your roommate and love interest (I’ll refer to her as H) broke up with her  boyfriend, your mutual friends should have notified you, so that you would have had the opportunity to tell H how you feel and see if she will have a relationship with her. What happened instead, is that another friend (I’ll refer to him or her as F) who also had feelings for H, did not give you the opportunity to approach H first, and instead approached her first, ahead of line, so to speak.  Did I understand correctly?

    anita

    #408000
    marie
    Participant

    Yes.  You have it right. H knew it would upset me and intentionally did not want to tell me before I got back. She told mutual friends this. I think she had good intentions… she did not want to hurt me… but it ended up hurting me more.  F also knew how I felt and did not say anything. And now the biggest issue is that all of our mutual friends are leaving me out.   F lives with mutual friends and H is my roomate.   It’s a mess all around and I feel like people are choosing her friendship over mine… Like I have to be the one to forgive when I did nothing wrong

    #408001
    anita
    Participant

    Der marie:

    H knew it would upset me and intentionally did not want to tell me before I got back“- so H knew about your feelings for her even though you didn’t tell her. I guess one of your roommates told her.. maybe F told her,  before starting a relationship with her?

    anita

    #408002
    marie
    Participant

    Yes.   Friends had told her and he told me she always kind of suspected I had feelings for her.   I tell myself I’m not upset about the relationship she has with F.  In fact, I see that she doesn’t value my friendship like I thought she did, which must include respect.  I’m upset that no one told me and now even more upset that the friend circle we had is now hers and I’m out

     

    #408003
    anita
    Participant

    Dear marie:

    It sucks to be left out, so I understand that frustration and I am sorry that you happen to experience being left out.

    It looks like H did not share the feelings you had for her, and whether you were told ahead of time that she broke up with her boyfriend, or not wouldn’t have made a difference as far as your chances of having a relationship with her.

    Do you think the group circle left you out because of your anger over the situation, as in… no one likes an angry person in their midst?

    anita

    #408004
    marie
    Participant

    Yes… you could be right.  They probably think I am over reacting.   I know I have to be the one to forgive and move on… but I just don’t feel like it is my fault. Everyone gets to move on and I’m the one betrayed and hurt

     

    #408006
    anita
    Participant

    Dear marie:

    If F (and others of the friend circle) told H that you have feelings for her, and H responded that she doesn’t and that she is not interested in a relationship with you, then neither F nor the others had a responsibility to ask your permission for H to have a relationship with F  because there is no such thing as a first-come-first served rule when it comes to romantic relationships.

    Everyone gets to move on and I’m the one betrayed and hurt“- I don’t know you but I still feel bad that you feel hurt and left out, yet.. I don’t see a real betrayal, not if H was told that you were interested in her and she responded that she wasn’t.  What do you think?

    anita

     

    #408008
    marie
    Participant

    Thank you for your honesty.  I am grateful for your wisdom. The revelation that H was not interested in me ONLY happened after she started seeing F. She had been with a different partner up until the day I left town for the summer, so I never imposed my feelings on her. I did tell friends how I felt, but not her.  You are right no one had to ask me permission… I just would have liked a warning before I walked into this after a summer break.  H KNEW it would hurt me… expressed that to mutual friends, but said she didn’t want to tell me before I came back. I feel that is a betrayal.  She knew she could do something to soften the blow and didnt

     

     

    #408009
    anita
    Participant

    Dear marie:

    You are welcome, and you are right: you deserved a warning, definitely- so to soften the blow. I wouldn’t use the word betray to describe what they did, more like they disappointed you, they didn’t do right by you. I wish they apologized for that.

    Generally, we people do disappoint each other once in a while, wish we didn’t.. but we do, and within reason we should forgive each other: not for betrayals but for disappointments. What do you think?

    anita

    #408010
    marie
    Participant

    That’s a better way of framing it… disappointment.  Now I feel like I have to be the one to do the work to get the friends back. Where do I start?   Do I ignore what happened?  Do we all just move on like it never did happen?

     

    \

    #408011
    anita
    Participant

    Dear marie:

    I wouldn’t ignore what happened, I’d tell them all that it’s been difficult for you, a difficult adjustment, that you were disappointed to not have been told of the situation before you returned… but then, you know that you are not perfect either, and that you all improve and get close again, closer than lately. Something like that, you choose your words, of course, plan ahead what you’d tell them and when. You can ask them how they feel about what you said, about the situation… and take it from there.

    anita

    #408017
    anita
    Participant

    Dear marie:

    I was in a rush when I posted the above. In your last post, you asked: “I feel like I have to be the one to do the work to get the friends back. Where do I start?“- my answer: depends on the history of your communication with your friends since you returned from your time away, depending on who you talked with and what was said, if there were there arguments. accusations, etc.

    Key is that you express your feelings honestly while taking responsibility for your feelings (feeling wronged does not necessarily mean that one was really wronged, what you feel does not necessarily indicate objective reality); do not accuse anyone of anything that  they are not responsible for (ex. betrayal, as I see it);  listen and consider what they say;  display an attitude and choose words that encourage peaceful communication and discourage arguments; care more about getting along than about being Right about every single thing.

    anita

     

    #408022
    marie
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your time and wisdom.  You have been so very helpful and kind.  I am grateful for your advice and I hope others see this and take from it what I have.

    Thank you Marie

    #408025
    anita
    Participant

    Dear marie:

    What a lovely post to read: I owe you my first smile of the day! You are very welcome and please feel free to post again on this topic or on any other topic anytime you wish (here or in a new thread).

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)

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