Hi Cal,

I would not worry too much about this affair your wife is having online. I have met many men online, and it’s just that. Words on a screen, writing. Beautiful words. Attention. That person usually is lonely and writing to other women. Many of the men I wrote too, on the internet, say they are “single” but who knows they may be married. When I do meet them, of if I do, it’s always disappoint after disappointment, because the person does not match the “online” person, the sentimental words, the online binding and it does not work out. I highly doubt anything will come of this. It seems mostly an online pen-pal, and sometimes an emotional connection can be made, but it does not last.

Dear Cal:

I understand and appreciate you acting as a responsible father to your children. It is most important that they will be least harmed by this. I see the problem more than whether or not this online affair expands to a physical affair. I see the bigger issue as her being uncaring about you, not minding your suffering, being indifferent to it, at the least. That is too bad. That lack of caring may extend beyond this affair, if it is to end soon.

I hope you post again anytime. I will be back in 17 hours or so, and if you post again by then, I will reply.

anita

Hi Cal,

I strongly believe nothing will come out of this meeting between your wife and this other guy.

But what is important that once this is done and dusted, you guys talk and take marital therapy to address what led to this situation and how to put this behind and start again with renewed trust.

marroages cannot be thrown away like that – both of you need to stay strong, your wife in meeting this guy and you in waiting it out and then work on the root cause – may be family systems therapy etc.

all the best!

K

Hey Cal,

I truly feel for you, but if you are brutally honest – why do you think your wife has gone looking elsewhere? There is something from this online guy she is getting that she hasn’t gotten from you. It’s not a physical thing she’s looking for – because she hasn’t met and slept with the guy, it’s something emotional he’s doing for her.

Im not saying this is your fault – and I do agree with the others that I don’t believe anything will come of them meeting (just the pure hell you’re goig through). No wife/mother wants to break her family up – but she’s missing something that she needs that she’s probably suppressed for a lot of years.

There is a definite need for some serious marriage counselling if you’s decide to stay together. Not only to fix whatever the real problem is – but you will also need to learn how to trust her again. I’ve been where you’ve been. Every time my husband got a txt msg, an email, a Facebook msg – I would feel sick beyond belief. I know the torture you’re feeling and it makes me just want to hug you.

Theres nothing any of us can say that will help stop the pain and panic and heartache you’ll go through while this pans out. If I’m honest – it probably won’t ever leave your mind until it’s over. I would get YOURSELF into a counsellor or therapist asap – you’ll need one whichever way this goes.

You will survive this tho – I promise.

C x

Hi Cal,

This is what you should do (I am infuriated on your behalf, by the way!):

Tell her that she CAN meet this other guy, but that YOU will be there with her. At least find out when and where this meeting will take place. Then YOU show up, even with the two kids in tow. Or YOU meet Mr. Wonderful alone. Additionally, inform your wife that YOU will accompany her on all her business trips from now on. That’s what I would do if my husband acted like this. Meaning, I would not go quietly into the night!

You have too many children for her to play games like this. Sure, she can run off, but you’re NOT going to make it easy for her. She has to EARN her way out! No more purgatory.

I predict that when she meets Mr. Wonderful, she will see that you are so much more than he is and nothing will come of it.

Shame on her!

Inky

Dear Cal:

You are welcome. Some of the responses you got may be of use to you in the future as currently may not be the time to examine certain things, and so, maybe re-reading them in the future is a good idea.

What you suggested in your last post is that you failed your wife by not “meeting her emotional needs” and now you decided to meet those. Would you like to share about it, what emotional needs did you not meet and how you will meet them now? And did she express to you in the past that you didn’t meet her needs?

anita