Thank you so much for starting this post, Big blue!

DH said something profound. That there are People Who Ask, and People Who Never Ask. So we were brought up in a community/households where you just don’t ask. But then you become friends with People Who Ask. And you don’t know how to say No because you yourself would never Ask. So you say Yes, you say Yes, you say Yes. Until you say No. Now most people would be OK with it, and they are. But some people are gobsmaked that you said NO! Even one! So they try to Bust your Boundary.

I hate manipulation and lies ~ however, I have said, “I’m busy” because the social fallout would be too epic if I told The Truth. I only do Epic for Family, $$$, Life itself and Death.

Short Version: Old Friend, her family and my family had been great pals for ten years. Old Friend (O.F.) divorces her husband. I meet his new girlfriend. I am “lying through omission” because I never mentioned the new GF. So over the next few years O.F. tries to fight with me that I never told her and that DH is still friends/work colleagues with ex husband. O.F. then becomes “Crazy”. She tries to cast doubt about me, her and my DH. I don’t take the bait. She tries to leave vast amounts of her crap in my house. I tell her that that’s not possible. She tries to manipulate. “That’s $200 in extra luggage! etc.” I say, “That’s OK.” She tries to visit. “That week’s not good.” She complains. I say, “I needed a break, and guess what that’s OK!” She tries to bait me again about my DH. I ignore. She finally yells, “I AM NOT AFTER YOUR HUSBAND!!” I look at her like she’s crazy. Because guess what? she’s “Crazy”. (For DH to have done anything, or to even admit to doing anything with her, vast quantities of alcohol would have to be involved.) Then there was FaceBook drama. Again, never took the bait.

So each sentence of the paragraph above is one soap opera episode worth of drama.

Basically setting boundaries, the best way, is saying your No’s as gently and calmly as possible with emotional detachment. And to remember that “No” is a complete sentence. “I’m busy” does work wonders. “I can’t do this but I can do that” works wonders too. And I can’t spend all my energy fighting. I have three kids, an ancient MIL, older parents. Sometimes you have to cast the BS loose.

But thanks for reading!!!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Inky.

Oh God, diets!!

Culturally, you will get kick back from some people more than others. What I’ve done is Take it AND Leave it!

“Oh yes, thank you!” Take it. Have a bite. Or a “bite”. Cover food up with napkin, leave room, help serve, use rest room, etc.

“I Just ate,” works.

I cannot seem to stick to a diet this year.

BUT what has worked was when I was in a Weight Loss Challenge. I said, “I’m in this challenge for $$$ and I’m winning!” Which was true! Then the tone changed!

LIVERWURST on Wonder Bread with a smear of mayo!!

One day my sister randomly opened up my fridge in my first house and started laughing ~ I had liverwurst, which our mom gave us all the time!! I don’t know if I could even find it now! If I do I’ll leave it in the fridge and see how the three teens do/react to it!

Blast from past!!

I’ve not had any problems enforcing boundaries when it comes to a diet. If I am on a strict diet and I’m dedicated to it, nobody can change my mind about what I’m eating, and my “no” will come out with such conviction that there is no discussion after that. The same goes with other times when I appear to be very confident and firm about my stance, and I’m very matter-of-fact about it.

The problems start when the “no” comes out in a more hesitant manner or I’m not saying it directly enough. That is an invitation to a negotiation. Which reminds me, that recently there were these Tweets about how difficult it is to be a woman and one of them was about being disrespected and not taken seriously when you say “no” to a man’s advances. I think that it’s not so much a specific situation, but a global phenomenon. Women don’t take no for an answer either when they want something and can completely ignore your pleas to stop.

I have one friend who was constantly walking all over me, and no amount of requests to stop made any difference. So she is no longer in my life. I’m pretty sure that if I would contact her and tell her why I don’t want her in my life, she would say “why didn’t you tell me? I promise never to do that again” and then she’d go back to her old ways. She wanted me to be a godmother to her child and I said “no” in various ways, giving various reasons. She tried to refute my reasons, but I knew that the moment she gets what she wants, all the promises would be forgotten and I’d be exactly in the situation where I was afraid I’d be. I think these are the hardest situations for me: knowing where things are going to lead, but you can’t really prove it. Yet the gut feeling is pretty much always right…

…and to be honest, I know I have disrespected other people’s boundaries as well. I’m no saint and still am trying to figure out how to live a more harmonious life with others.

Hi

Few years back I have a very good friend. We came together in the same company and new countryand she has been my only family away from home. We had been good friends for two years and love her so much that I became dependent to her. I know that she had love me like a sister, and I was happy with that not until I fall in love with a guy. Being friends are different from being lovers. We got lots of conflict, she got jealous and I did not noticed that our relationship was in cliff. I would go beyond limits because I dont want to loose her, I dont want to loose the good friendship that we had, abd in some point, I got tired. Tried of trying to understand her, what was wrong and I stopped. I stopped ecerything between us. I stopped talking to her. I felt bad for years that I lost a good friend. I felr bad for years that she doesnt understand my situation. And as a result I I limit my emotional connection with people. I limit the poeple who wants yo enter in my life because I was afraid that it might happen again. I was afraid that someone I had loved so much will end up hurting me again. And for years I suffer from sadness and loneliness. Again I was hit by another lost when my four year relationship with a guy end up because of differences: culture and religion. He got marrief last year to another woman who he have not meant and I died that day. I died inside. So bad that until now I felt bad and pain. I am seeing them everyday of my life and it was very very hard. I felt empty. Abd I just dont know what yo do…