It is difficult to know what is the cause of his depression. It could be something in his life is not exactly the way he wants it to be. A life situation, job, money, body image??? Dwelling on these things cause suffering. But, it is not because of you or your relationship. Talking to him might help. Or just being with him might get him to start his thoughts on something better. That is what is needed to bring back the mind of the  person you care about. To get his mind thinking of better things, better times. Drag his thoughts out of himself. He might open up and let you in on his feelings.

Being alone or being left alone?? Personally, I do not like that option. I have had fights with my wife where she just wanted to be left alone. I refused to let it be. I held her. Did not let go. Apologized. Admitted blame or whatever to get her to let go of her anger. She would struggle to get free but I held on. Stayed up half the night until her feelings were better and no longer angry. Yeah, sounds stupid. But, I do not regret showing her I cared. And I do not regret admitting fault even when I was not at fault. The relationship was more important to me. I do not know if this will help you.

Dear Arie1276:

The behavior on your part, as you described it in your recent post, very much fits the anxious attachment style. You can read about it online, there is a lot of information about it.

The happiness clinic. com: “People with an anxious attachment style will often experience the following symptoms in their adult relationships: * Overthinking about why someone didn’t call or text you * Wondering if you did something wrong or if other people are mad at you *Catastrophic thinking such as imagining the worst-case scenario…. *Feelings of extreme loneliness, emptiness, neediness, clinginess, or despair *High emotional reactivity when someone isn’t available in the way you want them to be… * Fear of abandonment”

You shared today that you “couldn’t take it anymore“, so you called him, he answered and told you that he is overworked at the local store, that customers come in at the last minute, he is tired of working a dead-end job, etc., and he told you that he was “trying to unwind by playing a game on his phone“.

After he told you all that, you told him… “I told him I meant what I said via text that I’m here for him and how much I love him.  I told him I can come see him tomorrow night” – your focus was not on what he said to you about his feelings, his experiences and his need to unwind. I don’t think that you asked him to tell you more about how he feels about work, etc. You were too anxious to focus on him. You focused only on what you needed: you needed to talk to him, you needed to see him as soon as possible, you needed to hear him tell you that he loves you back.

“I asked him if we are ok” – he pretty much told you in so many words that he is generally not okay, but afraid that he will leave you (afraid of losing your attachment figure), you were focused only on whether was still okay with you being his girlfriend.

“I told him I loved him, and he said it back to me” – for the anxiously attached individual, when the anxiety is activated, saying I love you is a way to get him to say it back to you.

“Then I texted him before I went to bed.  I told him I was going to sleep and that I loved him and to have a good night” –

– You told him yet again that you loved him not because you were overwhelmed with the feeling of love for him, but because you were overwhelmed with feeling of fear, fear that he will leave you.

“He read it but didn’t respond” – maybe on a gut level, he understood that your motivation was fear and desperation, not love.

“When I see him how do I ask him to open up to me without pushing him away or making him feel even worse” – (1) Stop repeating to him that you love him. Next time you say it, say it after he tells you that he loves you,

(2) Don’t ask him to open up. Instead, listen to what he says, and when he says something like, “it’s everything all piling up at once“, ask him in a gentle, empathetic voice: what’s piling up all at once?

(3)  The website I mentioned has general answers for you: “Calming Attachment Anxiety: … Regulate your nervous system… If you’re in flight, fight, or freeze mode, you aren’t able to think clearly and you’re more likely to act on impulses. The best way to counteract this surge of adrenaline and cortisol is to change your physiology. Pause for a moment and take three slow breaths into your belly and diaphragm. This will send a signal of safety to your brain… do something grounding to get out of your head and into your body. This might include exercise, yoga… spend 20 minutes in nature…

“Gain command over your thinking patterns: When you experience negative thought patterns, remind yourself that while the thoughts seem real, they aren’t objectively true. Don’t believe every thought you have. Take a breath, pause, and return to your body. Focus on this present moment and what is within your control”, and more.

In summary: when your anxious attachment style is activated, such as when he doesn’t answer your text, your brain and body goes into one of the 3 Fs (Flight, Flight, Freeze) physiological mode, which means that stress hormones are released into your blood and you feel anywhere from uneasiness to panic (“I couldn’t take it any more… After our conversation I still felt uneasy… Him not responding made feel uneasy. I don’t like feeling like that at all“). When you feel this way, you don’t think clearly and you act in ways that are likely to bring to you what you don’t want: you chase him, fearfully and desperately… he is likely to run away from you.

Take your time to consider all this and get back to me, will you?

*** I just noticed your most recent post and will read it now. I’ll quote and comment in parentheses: “Now he doesn’t want to see me. He wants to be left alone” (just like I wrote above before noticing your latest post and reading about the latest development: “he is likely to run away from you”, I wrote) … “I asked him again to come see him tonight” (you keep chasing him).  “He again said he just wants to be left alone and he also said he honesty needs to think if he’s even ready for a relationship” (that’s him running away from you)…  “I asked him if he is still coming to my place this weekend… I again asked him for me to come tonight” (… you keep chasing him).

“Does this mean he broke up with me or just does it mean we are together or what?” – it means that anxious and wanting to feel okay, you are chasing him, and being chased- he is running away from you.

You have to stop chasing him. Being as upset as you are now, I doubt that you can focus on my post, especially on the first part. So, calm yourself down, a cold or hot shower, some slow breathing, some exercise, a bath… and then read and reply to me, will you?

Ooops, I didn’t read the last part of your latest post. As I find out more of what you posted, I am not going back and editing what I already wrote to you, I just add. What I just read is that he lives with his mother and sister, that last Sunday when you visited him, you observed his mother calling him names, telling him that he can live with you, threatened to lock him out of the house. You also added that he is “also into S&M stuff” and you are not, and that he mentioned to you that it bothers him that you are not. He also shared that he lost his driver’s license because of a DUI-

– it is possible for an anxiously attached woman to get attached to the wrong man, you know. I see two problems here: one is your anxious attachment style and another is the man you are attached to. He is troubled, understandably, because his mother is abusive. He has a drinking problem and seems like he finds release in sadomasochism sexual practices. I feel very uncomfortable thinking that in your desperation for him, you will agree to participate in such a practice, one that you are not into. How humiliating it will be for you…

Here is what I now suggest: stop chasing him and RUN AWAY from him. And work on your anxious attachment style.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by .

Dear Arie1276:

“You are right about the anxious attachment… I don’t have much experience with depression and an abusive parent like he has” – but you do have much experience with having been neglected and/ or rejected as a child, otherwise you wouldn’t fit the anxious attachment style, being so very, very desperate for a guy, particularly a guy whom you met only recently.

“How do I go about texting him or calling him in a way that will not make him run away from me” – part of you wants my help with how to chase him successfully, how to catch him.

“What do I say one last time then I will go about my separate way and focus on myself until he decides to reach out to me, if that” – you are not ready for a “one last time” because you still desperately want him to reach out to you. What you are asking me here, is: how can I have the patience to wait for him to reach out to me? How can I stop myself from texting and calling him, so that he will reach out to you and so that the two of us can… live happily ever after? Is this what you are asking me?

anita

Dear Arie1276:

I need to be away from the computer for a few hours but will be back to you when I am back. Can you remind me: how many days exactly has it been since you met this guy for the first time?

anita

Dear Arie1276:

44 days are not enough to get to know a person well enough. You got too attached to him too soon. You are too desperate for him. There is no logical reason for you to feel so attached to him: you can live without him in your life, live even better without him than with him. Try to stop obsessing about him. Let him go.

anita