Boyfriend being distant?

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This topic has 24 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 8 months ago by HoneyBlossom.

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March 8, 2022 at 9:54 pm #394748

Tommy
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If he doesn’t want you around then what choice do you have? Being opened to love doesn’t always mean the right one will come along right now. It may take a little time??

March 9, 2022 at 12:55 pm #394771
Anonymous
Guest
Dear Arie:

Yesterday, March 8, 2022, you wrote that you met this guy (I’ll refer to him a G2) 44 days ago, which means that you met him on January 24, 2022.

In previous threads, you shared about another guy (I’ll refer to him as G1) whom you met in November 2021, two months before you met G2. You ” hit it off right away” with G1. “We love each other… I really like this guy a lot… I am always asking him to see him“. But soon he blocked you and unblocked you and then blocked you again. While this was happening, you met G2, “seeing him (G2) few weeks before I knew the last one (the relationship with G1) was ending“.

9 days ago, you wrote about G2: “this wonderful, amazing man. We had that instant connection… We absolutely like each other a lot and are pretty much inseparable… (he) treats me like a queen… It’s like we are a perfect match… This guy absolutely adores me. We are basically inseparable. Yes, I know maybe too soon. But this feels right“.

2 days ago, there was trouble with G2: “he said have a great day. No I love you back to me. Then I texted him again asking if everything was ok. He said no that he was depressed… I expressed my love for him and my feelings to him after that. I told him I’m here for him and I am not going anywhere…. We talked about other things which I’m not gonna mention on here because it was about sex... I don’t want to lose him and he knows that… I told him I meant what I said via text that I’m here for him and how much I love him… Now he doesn’t want to see me. He wants to be left alone. I am completely devastated… He is also into S&M stuff as to where as I am not. That seems to bother him too… He did mention it when we talked yesterday about that was one of things that was bothering him… I am at a loss. My heart is broken. All I want is for us to be together“.

Here is my concern: you are too desperate, Arie, and it looks like you may be willing to do just about anything so to be with G2, a guy you met not long ago, while being involved with G1 (having moved your strong emotional attachment quickly from G1 to G2, not really knowing either one well enough).

You put G2 on a pedestal, referring to him as wonderful and amazing, and your perfect match, perceiving that he absolutely adores you and was treating you like a queen. But there is a catch: G2 wants to do “S&M stuff” to his… queen, and I am concerned that you will let him.

G2 knows that you are desperate for him and that you will do anything for him to agree to see you (“I don’t want to lose him and he knows that… All I want for us is to be together“), and he may be taking advantage of your extreme quick, instant and intense attachment to him and easily talk you into doing the S&M stuff he is interested in.

Assuming that you are both legally adults and that the S&M he is interested in does not include illegal acts, the whole thing is very wrong regardless of the legal issue.

You wrote that his mother is cruel to him, calling him names etc. His motivation in the practice of S&M is to either (1) taking on the sadistic role (the S in the S&M) and being cruel to her by proxy, that is, using you as her substitute, calling her names etc., and/ or (2) taking on the masochistic role (the M in the S&M) and having you be cruel to him, call him names, etc., and experiencing that as somehow comforting.

You wrote yesterday: “I was never neglected or rejected as a child. I came from a very loving home” – if this was true, you wouldn’t be so desperate for guys you don’t even know, becoming instantly attached to them and willing perhaps to do just about anything to be with them.

Please do not let your desperation lead you to unnecessary humiliation, degradation and pain. Do right by you, take good care of yourself.

anita
- This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by .
March 9, 2022 at 11:04 pm #394787
Helcat
Participant
Hi Arie

I have been following this thread. I think it’s understandable why you have been concerned. You sensed that something was amiss and it was.

He is depressed and avoiding you because of abuse at home. His mother threatened to kick him out because you are dating (She would threaten this with any girlfriend). As you are being involved in the abuse, it’s understandable that he needs space during this tumultuous phase of the abusive cycle. None of this is your fault, but you do need to accept what is happening.

In a less tumultuous phase of the abusive cycle his depressive mood may stabilise. There is a small chance he may resume the relationship then if you respect his needs and give him the space he asked for.

During the requested space, perhaps it might be okay to ask if he would mind you texting him say once a week to check in? Whatever timeframe he agrees to you should accept and stick to.

I’m sorry that things are painful because a) he is suffering and you want to be there for him and b) he isn’t able to cater to your needs during this time. You must ask yourself if this is what you want in a relationship? He may have difficulty sustaining a relationship while he lives with his mother. If things recover I recommend that you do not spend time at his house. Meeting elsewhere would be ideal.

As for S&M, if he doesn’t try and coerce you into participating I see no issue. It is up to you whether you participate or not. Be prepared to set some boundaries about what you do and don’t want to do!
- This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.
March 10, 2022 at 5:24 pm #394849

HoneyBlossom
Participant

Hi Arie,

I have been reading your posts but didn’t feel I could contribute a lot.

I have had relationships where I have become over-attached way too soon, and have remained anxiously attached. These relationships caused me so much mental and emotional anguish. In the end though, I have had to break away from them and work on myself.

If you read articles online about attachment styles, we often attach ourselves to people who are avoidant.

I was in a relationship around 5 years with somebody who came out and told me he is avoidant. He never wanted to change though and any relationship with him would have to be on his terms of simply accepting his avoidant personality and having a lifestyle of my own which was very independent of him.

My son and friends came to dislike him very much, and being in a relationship with him became very one-sided and lonely.

I wasted too many years and needless to say, I can’t get those years back and perhaps have met somebody more suitable. In fact, all of my life, I just went from one bad relationship to another.

You sound young, and likely have a lot more time to get to know yourself, and find out what qualities you re a lot want in a partner.

March 11, 2022 at 3:06 am #394868

Arie1276
Participant

Hi HoneyBlossom

he too became instantly attached. He too moved very fast into this relationship. He also suffers from overthinking and I do to. I’m 48 and he is in his 30’s. It is emotionally draining me. I am anxiously attached . I keep looking at my phone and I keep looking on fb messenger to see if he’s online and he will be online and then I think if he’s online then why can’t he reply to me. He isn’t very active on fb. .
i will have to read those articles you have mentioned.

March 11, 2022 at 3:15 am #394869

Arie1276
Participant

Hi Helcat

thank you for your reply . We have remained in contact. But he still doesn’t want to see me. He won’t even reply to my texts. Yesterday he replied to me but it wasn’t a normal conversation. It was off the wall things. I let him talk about it and I pretended to agree with him just so he can get what he was talking about off his chest. It was the most he talked in days. Now he won’t even reply to me. He leaves everything on read.

i thought about just going to see him and surprising him at his home but I am not sure how well that will go over . I know is he saw me he will be excited to see me, I think. But also I’m afraid what if he gets angry at me for just showing up.
i feel none of this wouldn’t have happened if his mom wouldn’t have went off on him.

March 11, 2022 at 5:50 am #394876
Helcat
Participant
Hi Arie

That is understandable! He is going through a very difficult time at the moment. He communicated that he isn’t able to be as responsive at the moment and isn’t able to see you right now for a very good reason. I’m sure when he is able he will be in contact with you.

You are correct. None of this is your fault, he is simply trying to pick up the pieces and put himself back together after the abuse he received from his mother. It is very kind of you to be concerned and want to help. But this is something he may largely have to do alone until he feels better and the abuse dies down.

I recommend against going over. He may not feel up to leaving the house due to his depression and being around his mother is a bad idea as it may encourage her to involve you in her abuse. When he feels up to it picking him up and going elsewhere might be a good option.

How are you doing? I hope you are taking care of yourself and keeping yourself occupied to distract yourself from the stress of your partners situation.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.
March 11, 2022 at 7:22 pm #394915

Arie1276
Participant

update: this was our convo. It is quite lengthy and I need guidance. Im so heart broken over this.

So this morning i texted him. I said my usual good morning and hope you are having a great day. Then he didn’t respond. I then texted him How are you doing today. He replied : Annoyed and depressed. I asked “why are you annoyed and annoyed about what sweetie”. He replied “I just wanna be left alone” I asked him “what do you mean by left alone” He said “just left alone”. I asked him if I annoyed him. He said “by everyone”. I replied “I care thats why I text you”. Then he said “Its probably best you find someone else”. ME: i dont want anyone else. I refuse to give up on you” HIM: Its over. ME: Don’t do this, we can get through this, you told me you loved me, that i was the best thing to come into your life, you would never hurt me or break my heart, wanted a future with me. HIM: I can’t ME: I don’t understand how you can just give up on us so easily on a a great person who loves you, stand by you during your ups and downs, has your back, support you, willing to have a future with you, willing to be with you regardless of your depression and your other issues. We both made each other very happy. Please think about this and don’t let me go or us go “. HIM: its better for us both trust me ME: why do you say that, is there someone else, will you ever come back to me? HIM: I wanna be alone I asked him if he would ever date me again. He said in a relationship no and wants to be alone. Then he changed his mind and said he has no idea and best thing is to see other ppl and I told him I understood that and I only want him . He said he doesn’t think he wants a monogamous relationship. I was bawling my eyes out like a darn baby. IT hurt so bad to hear that coming from him. I feel like an empty shell. I told him not to forgive up on me, and he told me it wasnt me and how our convo was stressing him out and its the last thing he needs. I told him I loved him and always will and we agreed to be friends for now and we will see about hanging out. He said he’s just not meant to be monogamous. Then i said ” OK fine. Someday you will look back on us and will eralize you let a great person like me go. You will miss me and you will think you dont now, but you will miss me as I will miss you terribly. But we can be friends and Im ok with that. I love you. Have a great Day!” No reply back. I have not texted or called him since. Does he even realize what he has done? This has to be hurting him too. I still can’t wrap my head around all this and what happened. I blame his mom. Something triggered his depression after that horrible morning/day . I love him and wish none of this happened and I wish he will get his head straight and realize what he has done to me and our relationship.

March 11, 2022 at 7:25 pm #394916

Arie1276
Participant

update: this was our conversation. It is quite lengthy and I need guidance. I am so heart broken over this.

So this morning i texted him. I said my usual good morning and hope you are having a great day. Then he didn’t respond. I then texted him How are you doing today. He replied : Annoyed and depressed. I asked “why are you annoyed and annoyed about what sweetie”. He replied “I just wanna be left alone” I asked him “what do you mean by left alone” He said “just left alone”. I asked him if I annoyed him. He said “by everyone”. I replied “I care that’s why I text you”. Then he said “Its probably best you find someone else”. ME: I don’t want anyone else. I refuse to give up on you” HIM: Its over. ME: Don’t do this, we can get through this, you told me you loved me, that i was the best thing to come into your life, you would never hurt me or break my heart, wanted a future with me. HIM: I can’t ME: I don’t understand how you can just give up on us so easily on a a great person who loves you, stand by you during your ups and downs, has your back, support you, willing to have a future with you, willing to be with you regardless of your depression and your other issues. We both made each other very happy. Please think about this and don’t let me go or us go “. HIM: its better for us both trust me ME: why do you say that, is there someone else, will you ever come back to me? HIM: I wanna be alone I asked him if he would ever date me again. He said in a relationship no and wants to be alone. Then he changed his mind and said he has no idea and best thing is to see other people and I told him I understood that and I only want him . He said he doesn’t think he wants a monogamous relationship. I was bawling my eyes out like a darn baby. IT hurt so bad to hear that coming from him. I feel like an empty shell. I told him not to forgive up on me, and he told me it wasn’t me and how our conversation was stressing him out and its the last thing he needs. I told him I loved him and always will and we agreed to be friends for now and we will see about hanging out. He said he’s just not meant to be monogamous. Then i said ” OK fine. Someday you will look back on us and will realize you let a great person like me go. You will miss me and you will think you don’t now, but you will miss me as I will miss you terribly. But we can be friends and I’m ok with that. I love you. Have a great Day!” No reply back. I have not texted or called him since. Does he even realize what he has done? This has to be hurting him too. I still can’t wrap my head around all this and what happened. I blame his mom. Something triggered his depression after that horrible morning/day . I love him and wish none of this happened and I wish he will get his head straight and realize what he has done to me and our relationship.

March 11, 2022 at 8:46 pm #394920

HoneyBlossom
Participant

Are, there is a t rally good FB page without of articles and discussions bit I don’t visit it anymore as I no longer want a relationship. If I think of the name of it, I will let you know. I just cant DFO it anymore and no longer interests me.
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