Home→Forums→Tough Times→Boyfriend drunkenly got with another woman while we were broken up.
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Anonymous.
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September 5, 2019 at 10:28 am #310437
AnonymousGuestDear Alexandria:
Reads to me that there is a lot of hostility in this relationship, hurting each other. Lots of drama and trouble. Probably better that you end it (for his sake, no less than for your sake), but end the relationship for good this time, no longer breaking up and getting back together.
anita
September 5, 2019 at 10:36 am #310447
AlexandriaParticipantI’m going to think on this and get back to you.
September 5, 2019 at 10:52 am #310455AnonymousGuestOkay, Alexandria.
anita
September 5, 2019 at 11:40 am #310467AlexandriaParticipantI agree we can get a little more hostile than we normally would. And if I felt like our relationship wouldn’t progress I would leave it but seeing as we both love each other and keep trying to figure it out. I want to pursue this. We both love each other and refuse to let one another go, which makes it hard to let go. I have never been in this situation before and I know there is no right way to figure everything out but I can’t help the way I feel right now. Which is wanting to sort everything out. I’m grateful I reached out because now I know I think I know what I want and what do to going forward.
September 5, 2019 at 12:17 pm #310473AnonymousGuestDear Alexandria:
“we can get a little more hostile than we normally would”- you shouldn’t get hostile at all, not a bit, not a lot, not at all. It is possible to have a zero-hostility relationship.
“We both love each other and refuse to let one another go”- then let go of aggression: no more yelling, no more name calling, no more attacking each other.
If the two of you get married and have children, you will be practiced by then to provide a peaceful home for your children where they will not witness aggression between their parents, nor will they be the direct recipients of aggression. (Children always get damaged by witnessing or directly experiencing aggression in their home, and often for life).
anita
September 5, 2019 at 12:26 pm #310479AlexandriaParticipantThank you for the reminder Anita, I completely agree with you there. I also like the suggestions those are really that simple to do.
My boyfriend grew up in a hostile home of name calling, and yelling and I know this has for sure affected the way he gets when he is hurt, he gets dramatic and angry. I grew up in a household of withdrawing, and anger.. so thus I withdraw.
September 5, 2019 at 12:32 pm #310481AnonymousGuestDear Alexandria:
No doubt you and your boyfriend will feel angry again. Anger is a normal emotion all humans and it is not going anywhere. Key is to not automatically react to the emotion with hostile behavior, such as the name calling, yelling, and silent treatments.
Healing from childhoods in hostile homes, be it directly aggressive or passive aggressive, takes intentional work that includes practicing feeling anger and at the same time, not reacting aggressively to the anger. Alternative reactions: taking a walk outside to relax, a hot or cold shower… then sitting together and talking respectfully about the issue at hand.
anita
September 5, 2019 at 12:55 pm #310487AlexandriaParticipantI appreciate the advice for when we are angry. I think a cold shower would really help him/us, I was also think that removing ourselves completely from this particular group is a good idea every time we are around them something happens sometimes with us but most the time there is something always going on with these guys they are toxic friends for both of us and that’s why I’ve kept my distance, limiting our alcohol intake or choosing not to discuss any of our troubles when we are under the influence of alcohol, and most importantly actively just working through our anger when it arises. Instead of reacting.
September 5, 2019 at 1:04 pm #310493AnonymousGuestDear Alexandria:
Good thinking on your part! It takes thinking and coming up with a plan abut how to minimize anger (not interacting with certain people, including certain family members!), limiting alcohol and whatever else it takes. There are books and workbooks about dealing with anger/ managing anger, resolving conflicts, effective communication/ interpersonal skills- these are available in libraries and book stores. I bet there are online resources as well. It will be very worthwhile to utilize such (inexpensive or free) resources.
My former therapist taught me this principle regarding effective interpersonal skills: use EAR which stands for Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect. (Assertiveness itself is a very, very useful skill).
anita
October 24, 2019 at 2:29 pm #319577AnonymousInactiveHey Alexandria, I hope things have worked out for you. Has your situation changed?
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