Hi Marie,
I am currently in a very similar situation! Reading your post was a bit like reading a diary.. weird!
I too am madly in love with my boyfriend, we have been together for 3 and a half years. He too smokes a lot of weed and always has done.. I have tried to accept that this is just who he is and tried to get past it, and he’s actually very lovely when he’s high! But I know that it creates other issues for him when he’s not high such as lack of motivation and paranoia.. so its a tough one.
My boyfriend too gets angry when I try and help him cut down on weed and I too am only doing this through love! He also has issues with jealousy and is very possessive over me, I’m not sure where this comes from but its deep rooted insecurities for sure.
Our relationship on the whole is a very healthy happy one, I’ve never been happier with a partner! But the arguments (like yours) get waaaaay out of hand and it has often made me question whether he is the one for me. The feeling I get when he’s angry is just the worst thing ever and I can’t bare it. I often wake up the next day and try and pretend it never happened to get back to the ‘happy’ us.. which of course isn’t healthy as its not resolving anything and these blow out arguments will keep occurring.

What I have come to realise is that we will never work unless he realises and admits that he has a problem. I am currently trying to rally his friends and family around him to try and make him see that its his own issues that make him paranoid, jealous and angry and not me! He sometimes really believes that its me and its very difficult to make him see that its his own insecurities. So.. I think, unless you want a lifetime of these same problems occurring, your boyfriend needs to realise he has a problem, and that is the first step towards change. Unless he can do that, things will stay this way. And unfortunately, he has to do this himself.. us trying to make them see they have a problem only pushes them away and makes them angry and defensive. Its out of our control which is the saddest part.
One word of advice, never feel like it is your responsibly or that its your fault that he is behaving like this. I know that sometimes you can question whether its you that makes him behave this way. It isn’t. Stay true to yourself and know that you are doing everything you can, the ball is in his court now if he wants to keep you.

WOW Ladies,
I felt as though you were talking about me. Ill share what i can and hopefully it will resonate with you.

First off, i want to warn you that you are subconsciously absorbing all of their negativity, and love will run out as it did with my girlfriend.

She was the only one that has shown me unconditional love, but everyone has a breaking point!
I knew what I was doing was wrong, and made an unconscious CHOICE to hold onto the past, and I was destroying my relationship not even realizing it. I knew something needed to change because I didnt want to lose her, because she is the ONE.
I begged her to stay, and what has helped me was changing my routine.

I could go on for hours on what I did to break my habits. Break my endless loop.
“Doing the same thing over and expecting a different result is insanity.”
– Albert Einstein

I made a conscious choice to make the change within my self. I was awake. I was self aware.
Its been 1.5 years, and we’re still together, but now she has found her own issues and has awaken, and become self aware.

Quit those sugary drinks, eat high quality foods, master your feminine/masculine energies, the words that are projected out from me needs to be projected back to me (i want trust from you, but I’ve learned to get it is to give it), EXCERCISE EVERYDAY!! (especially from 3pm to 6pm when my psychosis (anxiety) kicks in), and if I may suggest a book, “The Mastery of Love” Don Miguel Ruiz (THIS IS MY BIBLE!)

If you need any more suggestions, please feel free to ask.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by eightyHD.

Dear marie:

Your boyfriend is correct when he says anger is a normal emotion. Unfortunately, expressed abusively is very damaging to the targets of the abuse. When he yells at you, that is abusive. Over time, it hurts you, you walk on eggshells, living in fear of the next explosion. Will be a good idea if he attends psychotherapy, take anger management classes and such. So to control and manage the expressions of his anger.

He told you how his family/ parents failed him, hurt him. If I was you, I wouldn’t get close to his parents, to his mother particularly, even though it felt good to you that she said he seems so happy with you. His mother is one reason why your boyfriend is suffering. Stand by him, take his side, not his mother’s.

And above all, take your own side: being a target of abuse must not be an option for you. He must stop the yelling and control his anger while he heals the hurt and fear underneath, through competent psychotherapy.

anita

Dear marie:

As the ” very black & white factual kinda guy” you wrote that he is, one way you can talk him into getting psychotherapy with a competent therapist is to tell him that Either he does Or you will have to end the relationship. This way you present to him a fact and you present it in a black and white way. And of course, you will have to follow, keep your word. If he doesn’t attend therapy and you stay with him, and you give him the same ultimatum again, that will no longer be a fact.

Also, you can help him along in looking up a therapist for him yourself, make the appointment and attend the free consultation or first one or few sessions with your boyfriend. His angry outbursts is a couple issue and so starting therapy as Couple Therapy makes sense. The therapist can help him practice an argument right in the office without being abusive, teach him that skill. Also teach you how to communicate with him in the best way, not taking any abuse.

anita

Ninety-nine percent of the time when we have a problem, I truly believe we know what we should do. But we get into the craziest story telling contest with ourselves about why we shouldn’t, can’t, won’t, want to, or don’t want to, do something about it.

Try this. It is a mental tool I developed called, “Your Best Friend.” It will help you cut through all the stories and get to the answer you are seeking.

Imagine your best friend comes to you and you can see she is totally wrapped up in a huge drama. She proceeds to pour out her heart to you. Amazingly, her problem is exactly the same as yours and she wants your advice.

You listen patiently. After all, this is your best friend in the whole world. You set aside all your own drama, problems, and thoughts and focus on her because you love her and want only what is truly best for her.

Finally, she finishes and looks at you. “What should I do,” she asks. You sit quietly, thinking of all the things you could say. It doesn’t take too long before you know exactly what your advice to her must be. In your heart you truly believe this is what she needs to do because you can see that her future is at stake.

Now, take your own advice.

Dear marie:

You are welcome.

You wrote in your last post: I like to thing love can get you through anything.”- I agree in that love can motivate your boyfriend to learn the skills he needs to express his anger effectively, non-abusively and then practice those skills with you. Hope he learns it in therapy with you (couple therapy) or otherwise.

Do post again.

anita