Boyfriend of 2 years ghosted me

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This topic has 23 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 6 months, 2 weeks ago by anita.

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March 8, 2019 at 9:22 am #283699

Valora
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We have talked numerous times about having him go to the Dr to get an official diagnosis of ADHD & Anxiety – he is totally willing to go and take medication. The problem is, he has no health insurance and is so cheap he wouldn’t pay out of pocket.

Honestly, I’m not so sure it’s medication he needs based on what you’ve posted. It sounds more like he needs to learn healthy coping mechanisms, especially if he’s been using substances to try to cope with the feelings he’s had from the deaths of his parents. It would serve him better to work through those feelings and deal with them and hopefully be able to let those feelings go, as well as to learn healthier ways of coping…. so, for me, it sounds like he’d do better to seek counseling with a therapist and cognitive behavioral therapy. Some of the psychotropic medications, after all, can be as addicting as many of the other drugs and come with a host of side effects. They work well for some, but many just need to learn how to deal with their issues.

March 8, 2019 at 6:45 pm #283759

Mark
Participant

Christine,

If you are going further into this relationship with the expectation he will change (or that you can change him) then you will be paying the consequences when nothing changes.

It is always a good rule in relationships, what you see is what you get. Women tend to be nurturers and fixers, usually at the detriment of themselves for they don’t self-nurture and they cannot fix.

Mark

March 9, 2019 at 5:54 am #283775

Christine
Participant

Thank you for your feedback! At this point, the fact that he is not speaking to me has forced me to look deep within myself to determine if I want this type of relationship. I do not. I’m baffled because we had been on the same page since day one and we did a very good job of being honest with each other – or so I thought. I guess at this point I have to suck it up and accept the fact that he had a change of heart and can’t be what we need him to be. He has a lot of growing up to do.

March 9, 2019 at 6:00 am #283777

Christine
Participant

I agree! His sister (who is like a mother to him), has a lot of experience with adhd/anxiety – she is a speech pathologist and her son has been on medication for ADD since he was 5 years old. That being said, we’ve had multiple conversations about it and he truly believes he has severe ADHD and talks about his anxiety frequently. I spoke to him about getting help and not just reverting to drugs & alcohol…he told me that he uses his ADHD & anxiety as a crutch to continue to abuse alcohol and pot. I know you can’t necessarily “abuse” marijuana but he will not go to sleep without smoking first. However, we’ve been on numerous vacations with my daughter and he does not do that around her (or smoke cigarettes etc.) It’s almost like he is living a double life..

I do agree with you though, he needs to figure out some coping skills to deal with day to day life. I do not think he fully recovered from the death of his parents. His Mom was in hospice at their house so he witnessed her on her last days and blames his fathers death on himself even though it was not his fault. I’m grateful that I can’t relate to him….it’s tragic.

March 9, 2019 at 8:28 am #283795

Valora
Participant

Thank you for your feedback! At this point, the fact that he is not speaking to me has forced me to look deep within myself to determine if I want this type of relationship. I do not. I’m baffled because we had been on the same page since day one and we did a very good job of being honest with each other – or so I thought. I guess at this point I have to suck it up and accept the fact that he had a change of heart and can’t be what we need him to be. He has a lot of growing up to do.

I don’t have any advice here other than to say that I like this comment. It shows a great maturity and intelligence. I agree that he has some growing up to do and if, later down the road, he matures to your level, you two may make a great couple, but it sounds like it’s just too much of a difference for now.

March 9, 2019 at 8:32 am #283797

Valora
Participant

I spoke to him about getting help and not just reverting to drugs & alcohol…he told me that he uses his ADHD & anxiety as a crutch to continue to abuse alcohol and pot. I know you can’t necessarily “abuse” marijuana but he will not go to sleep without smoking first. However, we’ve been on numerous vacations with my daughter and he does not do that around her (or smoke cigarettes etc.) It’s almost like he is living a double life..

You absolutely can abuse marijuana, even when people try to tell you you can’t. It’s just like any other drug (including caffeine. Caffeine can be abused, too). There is even a medical diagnosis called “cannabis use disorder” now. If he even says flat out that he uses ADHD and anxiety as a crutch, it’s likely he just really likes abusing alcohol and pot right now.

March 9, 2019 at 9:13 am #283811

Mark
Participant

Christine,

The thing with honesty is that most of us are not self-aware enough to be honest. We do not know ourselves enough to be truly honest. Plus us humans are living contradictions. We may say/think one thing but our unconscious beliefs cause us to do something else. Plus our beliefs are not consistent. Bottom line, we all behave according to how we learned to survive which we learned when we were young.

So regardless of what we say to each other, it is not necessarily true for we ourselves don’t know our own truth… which can be fluid and inconsistent.

Mark

May 12, 2024 at 11:00 am #432569

Maggie
Participant

I just had this happen to me. We were talking about moving in together and starting a family. Then we had a discussion about me feeling him be distant recently and that he didn’t seem excited to move in together and he shut down. We were supposed to take a trip that very weekend and instead he completely ghosted me. It’s been 3 weeks now and we work together and he can’t even just get the nerve to explain what happened. He had just completely taken me out of his life and I have to see his face every day.

May 12, 2024 at 12:33 pm #432601

anita
Participant

Dear Maggie:

Reads like he got scared to move in with you, and he was scared to tell you about it. I am sorry that this had happened to you and that you have to see him every day. I wish he had the courage to face his fears and … the courage to face you in an honest, direct way.

anita
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