Home→Forums→Relationships→Boyfriend says unsure about himself and his feelings
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July 23, 2019 at 2:13 am #304445
MelissaParticipantMy boyfriend of 8 months said that he is unsure about his feelings and about what he wants in life.
He mention about me to his parents after 2 months of dating that I am a single mom with an 8 year daughter and I am 7 years older than him. In the beginning we tried to work it on, but later on he is super stress about mother approval.
Last June he went back to his hometown for holiday, and apparently the mother asked him to get engaged with his ex girlfriend ( 4 years on and off relationship). He told me when we start dating that it is all over between them
We argue alot about his inability to refuse the engagement plan. In the end, I gave him some thought that he should
1. Tell the ex that he is seeing someone else and cut contact
2. Tell his mom that his feeling towards his ex is all gone and he wish not to proceed.
He said he did not want to talk to the ex and would speak to his mom instead.
After a week, without discussing with me, he called his ex and got and angry response. The next day I did not realise what was going on and felt something was off, but i waited till few days because I thought it was work pressure only. Day 5 after he spoke to the ex, and treat me coldly (even stop replying to my texts), I went to him first during luch break (we work at the same place) and say nothing. He cannot hold the pressure anymore and told that he is feeling bad about his angry ex. He is unsure anymore about all this feelings, both his feelings towards his ex, and towards me. He said he cannot do this anymore, he just want be alone. It really confused me. Since we have to go back to work after lunch break, everything was left hanging there. I was calm and was telling him that we can face this together, but the said he did not want to and want to be alone instead.
The night after I send him a text saying that I appreciate his honesty and wish he could find what he wants soon. I feel asleep after the text, and the next morning I saw that he actually replied but deleted the message. I decided to give him some space and not text him anymore, but he has not get back to me till today (day 4 since I spoke to him)
I am still so in love with him and wish that we can go back in good terms.
What shall I do?
July 23, 2019 at 2:46 am #304453
MarkParticipantMelissa,
It sounds like he is too tied to his mother for approval in order to be an independent, grown man who makes a desirable partner. Whenever a man tells you that he is unsure about his feelings for you and what he wants out of life then believe him especially if you two been together for 8 months, enough time to know how he would feel about you.
You ask what should you do. Ask yourself the question on why would you subject yourself and your daughter to a half on/half off relationship with someone who does not want to be in relationship with you? Ask yourself why would you want as a partner who depends on his mother for approval and life decisions. Ask yourself why you want to commit to someone who does not have his life together while you are being a fully responsible single parent taking care of yourself and your daughter.
Personally I do not believe being in love as the reason for making a long term commitment for that is the honeymoon, stars-in-your-eyes phase of a relationship. Mature love is a verb, not a gooey emotion. You can have the good feelings of the emotion of love but do not make a life from that while ignoring the hard facts of this guy and the situation.
Mark
July 23, 2019 at 5:01 am #304461
PeggyParticipantHi Melissa,
At least you know that his ex girlfriend is not interested in him. Perhaps his ego has taken a hit. It seems as if he withdrew into himself after finally realizing that she has moved on from him. That leaves you.
His mother doesn’t approve of you – have you ever met her. Perhaps she doesn’t like the situation of her son being with an older woman with a child. Your daughter is your top priority. She’s been in your life for 8 years – he’s been in your life for 8 months. His mother has a strong influence over him. Maybe it will always be that way. In any event, he wants to be alone which means that he doesn’t want to be with you.
You don’t say what his latest text was about. You could always tell him that you would prefer to remain friends with him but you want to be free to date other people until he learns to stand up to his mother. You could tell him that you don’t want to be on an emotional roller coaster with him pressing the on/off button. You could tell him that you deserve to be treated better than that.
You cannot go back to how you were. It’s just not possible. He has broken your trust.
I think you need to see your boyfriend in his true light – very immature – and ask yourself what exactly it is that you love about him. I think you’ll go back to him (if he asks) though I don’t think that will necessarily be the best thing for you. Can you work this through? You have to decide for yourself.
Peggy
July 23, 2019 at 4:39 pm #304577MelissaParticipantHi Mark,
Your reply is very logical and truthful, with all this feelings i have inside, it hurts to admit. I am trying to work on it
I read a lot of relationship advise saying i should leave him for at least 21 days so he has time to think about what he wants from us. I do mot know whether this is a good idea
It all started very firm that he is very sure about us. But a long the way doubt built in inside him. I do not know if culture plays a big part, we are Asian living in Asia.
To ask mysef back questions you mentioned is though.
I couldn’t sleep well lately, especially last night. I kept on waking up every hour.
Melissa
July 23, 2019 at 5:49 pm #304595MarkParticipantMelissa,
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain if you leave him. You can always get back together but staying together just prolongs the doubt and ambivalence and does not really resolve anything in my opinion.
Mark
July 24, 2019 at 2:27 am #304629MelissaParticipantDear Peggy,
I spoke to him and found out that the ex was mad that he was not going to marry her after they slept together in the distant past and that makes makes him feeling guilty that she said he was her first. For me, it is like, come on, you both broke up almost 2 years ago long before he met me and she brought this up when he tried to cut all ties with him.
You are right, I do not need this emotional roller coaster, if he cannot make his mind then so be it. I will decide to move on and be happy anyway. I deserve it, my daugther deserves it
Mark/Peggy,
After leaving him be for few days, and reading your advises, i felt that it is not necessary for me to burden mysef in this kind of relationship. There are a lot of things I need to figure out and ask mysef, but I am sure that I will decide what is best for me and my daugther, regardless how i feel.
Thank you so much for the insight
Melissa
July 24, 2019 at 4:54 am #304639PeggyParticipantHi Melissa,
There is someone out there who will be willing to give you a more stable relationship. I am glad you have decided to move on. Good Luck in all you do. Have a bright and happy future.
Peggy
January 12, 2020 at 11:11 pm #333049MelissaParticipantDear Mark and Peggy,
Despite all the logic answer you have given me, I am so weak that I gave another chance. Here I am 5 months later and despite trying to work this on, he told me a week ago he has agreed to marry the other woman. We argued and left without any final conclusion.
You both are right, this is never ending if he still needs approval. I am recovering myself again trying to see more possibilities out there. He still texts me and pick me up to have dinner and a stroll, but we has not discuss anything about our relationship.
This morning I have decided to stop seeking for him. Maybe he thinks I will stay forever, but I just need to stop my mind from thinking about him. I shall confront him in few days when each one of us is calmer, I must tell him that I cannot do this anymore, if he wants me then we must face the parents together, if no then it is a farewell that I should have said months ago.
The pain is so real either to move on or to stay.
Many thanks,
Melissa
January 13, 2020 at 6:15 pm #333279
AnonymousGuestDear Melissa:
I read your posts in July and your update yesterday. I read quite a few stories regarding marriages in Asian culture where parents determine who their adult children marry. In India there is a custom where the parents choose who their son marries and then they move with their son, and with the wife they chose for him, as well as with their children as an extended family. Even if families nowadays don’t follow this custom this strictly, still there is parts of it going on.
Reads like his parents pressured him to marry his ex girlfriend and he is about to do that. Another custom, designed not by parents but by the adult children is that those pressured or forced into marriage compensate themselves by having extra marital affairs with ex lovers, or future lovers.
I wonder if this is your boyfriend’s plan, to marry her and continue a relationship with you, in addition to his marriage. Do you think this is his plan or intention?
anita
January 14, 2020 at 12:48 am #333307MelissaParticipantDear Anita,
I do not think that I will accept him marrying other woman and continue a relationship with me. Also, I think this is not his intention so far. He break the news on Jan 8th that he agreed on the arrangement, but till this day he is still texting me. Since we are also office colleagues, we still meet each other. I can see how depressed he is, both for work and personal matters.
At the moment, I am at the point of letting him go. I will let him make that decision if he wants to proceed, then he may. I am taking few days to cool myself down and let him to be sure about his decision, so we will have no regrets.
Melissa
January 14, 2020 at 6:11 am #333333AnonymousGuestDear Melissa:
I hope then that you do cool yourself down and have no regrets. Post again anytime, if you want to, here or in a new thread.
anita
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