Hi Veronica!  Do you feel comfortable talking to your boyfriend about his anger outbursts? It’s possible it might seem normal to him, but it’s not really acceptable behavior. I think that when people react to things this way, there is usually something deeper going on, like suppressed emotions and possibly depression/sadness… basically he either has some things he needs to work through or he might see this as normal, acceptable behavior if he grew up with a father who punched walls or friends who do and think it’s fine.

I think the first step, if you feel comfortable doing so, would be to talk to him and ask him why he does this. Let him know it scares you.  If you don’t feel comfortable talking to him about it or become afraid of him or how he will react, then it might be better to just leave the relationship and find a man who can control his anger.  I would certainly be worried about or scared by this behavior, too, and I have never seen either of my parents or loved ones punch anyone.

Dear Veronica:

You wrote about your boyfriend May this year: “when he’s mad, he throws stuff, he punches walls, he’s like a totally different person when he gets mad… I spent quarantine with him which allows me to see his ‘dark’ side”. Two months later: “Last Sunday.. I attempted to leave him.. as soon as I was about to leave the room, he throws my stuff. I was crying so heavily.. He then calmed down and approached me. He hugged me while crying so heavily… He cried so much.. I told him that I get scared whenever he gets mad. But, aside from all those moments where he gets mad, we are happy.. what should I do about his anger issues?”

My answer: keep yourself safe from his angry behaviors. This needs to be your number #1 priority: to protect your life and health from his angry behaviors. If he poses danger to your life and health, if he may injure you or kill you, you have to get away from him safely As Soon As Possible.

He needs to be able to feel his anger without automatically reacting to it. He needs to be able to pause between the emotion of anger and reacting to his anger. Within that pause, he needs to calm down and thoughtfully choose what to do next, if anything.

He needs to effectively manage his anger, and until he does, you shouldn’t be living with him or spending any time alone with him.

Notice the behavior you described last Sunday: he felt anger at you-> he wanted to hurt you-> he threw your stuff-> you cried heavily-> he saw that he succeeded in hurting you-> he calmed down-> he hugged you and cried so much:

He felt better because he succeeded in his aim at hurting you. If you didn’t cry, he might have done something else to hurt you and wouldn’t stop until he saw that he succeeded.

One way to protect yourself is to cry quickly, the moment he does something to hurt you, so that he doesn’t do something more to hurt you. Another way to protect yourself is to not live with him, and to not spend any time alone with him.

Does this answer your question?

anita

Dear Veronica:

You wrote: “I spent quarantine with him which allows me to see his ‘dark side'”-

-The coronavirus is likely to be dangerous to you, that’s why you keep your distance from the virus by quarantining.

If your boyfriend’s dark side is can be of danger to you, you should keep your distance from him too, which means to not live with him and to not spend time alone with him.

Your boyfriend threatens you once in a while by throwing stuff, punching walls and throwing your stuff:  I don’t think that you want to live in fear of the next time he does any of these things, do you?

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by .

Dear Veronica:

“I guess, I am the toxic one. I bring out the worst of him”- maybe the two of you are toxic to each other, bringing the worst of each other. It is something to look into and figure it out.

When you say that you got jealous and “attacked him”: how did you attack him, what did you say to him and/ or do to him?

And when you say that he is “a gamer”- what does he say and do that makes him a gamer?

anita