September 8, 2017 at 10:26 am #167916Winchester1990Participant
Hey guys hope you’re all ok,
I don’t really know what else to do right now, I’m in pieces and very confused and could really use some advice.
My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me last night. He had been acting distant with me for a while which I had flagged up to him up on a few occassions, and which he put down to recently quitting his job so he was feeling stressed with being unemployed and searching for a new job. However yesterday he admitted to feeling confused about our relationship and confused about where he was going in life in general. He told me he couldn’t picture a future with me and that I deserved someone who would tell me they love me and mean it (he said how can he love someone when he doesn’t love himself). I’ve known pretty much since I met him that he suffers with anxiety and SAD. I’ve always tried my hardest to be there for him, but how can I when he doesn’t see a future with me or is so unsure about our relationship. He overthinks everything and assumes because he feels a certain way now that we’re not meant to be together, he told me that he promised himself that if his problems ever started to affect us he would break it off.
So this is the second time within a month he was opened up to me about the doubts he has and that he’s not sure we’re right for eachother or have a future. Both times have really upset me as I haven’t actually realised thay things were that bad at the time and I don’t feel secure in our relationship feeling like I’m just waiting for the next time he has doubts. Last night he told me he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore so we should end things now rather than continue to plod along and hurt one another. I told him I didn’t want anyone else and if he could just give me a little reassurance that this wasn’t going to keep happening then we could work through it. He said he couldn’t give me that so we should end things.
I was in such a state I couldn’t bring myself to go to work today and have just been crying all day. He posted a card through my letterbox this morning asking me to forgive him and that he wants to be together more than anything (he said he wanted to give me space so he didn’t knock). He says he is going to get help now but he has said that before and I just don’t know how to feel. I haven’t forgiven him or got together with him again. I do love him and want to be there for him but I feel like my own well being is being affected really negatively.
He’s not a horrible person at all, he’s one of the kindest people I know which makes this so much harder because I know he’s not purposefully hurting me. He seems very lost at the moment and I don’t know what to do other than keep my distance right now as my emotions are very strong. I feel a bit of resentment towards him that he chose to walk away rather than fight for our relationship and I’m angry and upset with him for how he’s made me feel.
Thank you so much for reading, have any of you experienced a relationship which was affected so much by anxiety? Any advice or insights would be greatly appreciated!September 8, 2017 at 11:28 am #167926anitaParticipant
I hope you feel better soon. I think it is best for your own well-being to accept the ending of this relationship, to make sure it is ending and then recover from your emotional attachment to him. He reads like an honest man who is struggling. I don’t think he can “fight for (your) relationship because he is too torn up, too divided, conflicted. He doesn’t have a solid enough core of well-being to do the fighting.
I don’t believe there is anything you can do to make this relationship work at this point. At another point, if and when he is successfully employed, maybe gone through some psychotherapy, and so on, maybe then would have been the time. That time, if it comes, would be months from now, if not longer.
You are struggling, hurting. Thing is, he can’t help you, he can’t fight for you or for the relationship. Therefore you have to take good care of yourself.
anitaSeptember 8, 2017 at 5:18 pm #167966ElianaParticipant
The reason he is not fighting was he told you, he does not want to be in a relationship right now, that he is confused and lost, and is feeling depressed and had SAD. I too suffer from mental illness and SAD, it is very debilitating, and one barely has energy to make it out of bed, or to make it through the dday, so the last thing they want to do, is fight for a relationship. He was very open and honest to you about his feelings. He didn’t just “up and leave” and he was not belittling toward you, so try to respect his wishes to get through what he needs to get through and don’t hold any resentment toward him. We can’t be resentful to someone, when we are not fighting their battles.
Maybe, he wants to give you both some space right now, so he can figure things out. He may be trying to figure out what he needs to do with his confusion and sadness. Whether it’s professional help, medication, etc. I am on Wellbutrin which has really helped me with SAD. All you can do right now is be supportive and respect his wishes, and if you are meant to be, he will find his way back to you.September 9, 2017 at 10:52 am #168044InkyParticipant
You don’t want to be with him right now, even if he does come back. The fact that he ended things (no matter what his reasons) says it all.
If he comes back (he will) say that YOU are taking a break. For HIS sake, as well as for yours.
You are giving him the gift of Time, so he can be stronger.
InkySeptember 11, 2017 at 12:36 am #168232AustinParticipant
I am a guy with anxiety, and it sabotaged one of my past relationships and I think I may be able to help you understand him.
With anxiety, your brain is literally on fire….It depends on what is causing the anxiety for him, but it is most likely that he has lost himself and it is incredibly embarrassing and emasculating for him to have this mental illness while he is with you. As guys, we like to feel invincible and make our girl believe that nothing can hurt us. When I went through anxiety, my girlfriend tried helping me, but it was honestly my battle to fight.
We broke up later because of money, but I can’t lie, my anxiety was a major enemy to our relationship. Please understand, that he broke up with you because he is a wounded animal right now and in nature, you need to leave wounded animals alone. He needs to conquer this dragon on his own. Once he has done that, he may come back to you, or you might find someone new. I can pretty much guarantee you that he is hurting alot right now, doubting himself as a man for not being able to control his anxiety for you. He wanted to be strong for you, but because he couldn’t, he broke up with you as a defense mechanism.
Give him time, and as for you, listen to some good music. Go on walks in the park! Travel maybe! I hope I’ve cleared up things a tiny bit.
-Lonely VikingApril 21, 2018 at 9:02 am #203419AhmadParticipant
I would to contact you personally for a similar matter. I’m hurt and I need someone who has experience to tell me what to do.
can I have your email? Or Facebook page?April 16, 2019 at 10:48 am #289303DanaParticipant
Hello Jess and Lonely Viking:
I just joined this forum specifically to ask you two a couple things. I’ve been recently dumped by a great love due to his anxiety (which was never discussed with me and came out in an explosive crazy week in Cuba.) Long story but you can imagine. He was constantly triggered and I didn’t have a clue who I was with for the entire trip and was quite scary. He came clean once we returned home about what he’s suffered with since he was 20. He is now 59. Through a ton of research I can understand, though shattered how I never had a chance due to the lack of communication on his condition. Unfortunately it’s hard for me to heal for we had fallen deeply in love prior and had a wonderful connection. A rare thing indeed as you know (especially at our age!) I care deeply for this man! Looking back I can see the small little things in his behavior that were due to anxiety, but I HAD NO IDEA the severity of the condition and how it can turn extremely dark. Now I am pushed away, and I feel like my hands are tied.
Jess… how are you now doing now with the time that has passed?
Lonely Viking… glad you are self aware and are able to share your experiences. Have you improved your skills to cope better with the demons? Do you feel like you are capable of having a relationship? Does the anxiety overbear the possibility of letting love in?
Thank you for your time and I hope to hear back! 🙂