November 17, 2021 at 11:31 am #388717
Hi, me and my boyfriend have been with each other for more than 12 years and have been living in together for 4 years now and getting married next year. We have been very content and happy but lately he has been put under a lot of pressure work wise and whenever he comes under any stress he resorts to sex or sexual fantasies and he shares which is find by me I play along too but this is the second time he expressed that he wants to see me having sex with someone else and jokingly asked me to sleep around and call him to give details he asked me to have a sex fling and to call him to share the sexual details of the fling but he said just to have a fling and not to develop feelings for anyone because he is like dissociate sex from love and when I said what if I fall in love in the fling he said no I dont want you to love anyone other than me if you think you will fall in love then I am not okay with it and I wont ask you to go ahead but the ask of having a fling just for sex sounded disgusting to me and the fact that this is the second time it has been brought up it felt almost like he really wants it to happen and in my mental model ny boyfriend asking me to go have a sex fling doesnt sit well I mean whose 12 year boyfriend soon to be husband asks to go have sex with soemone else so he can hear the details later he said he jerks off on watching me having sex with someone else and listening to all this did used ro disgust me but I never thought he will ask me to go ahead with it, the last time he brought this up was like 6 7 years ago and I reacted badly to it and he knew that I didnt like it he said he will never bring it up but he did that 2 days back when he was under a lot of pressure and again resorted to sex and fantasies to deal with the pressure but this time I felt disrespected and disgusted even more when he saw me getting disgusted it just seemed like he came out of some kind of high and apologised and said it wont happen ever again and he doesnt want me to hate him and he doenst want ti lose me etc etc but I dont know how to feel about this I still feel disgusted by what happened. I told him that yes you want me to go sleep around I will do just that and may be fall in love with someone to that he said no I dont want you to fall in love you will love me and only me please dissociate love and sex and I was like I cant for me sex comes only after I am in love I cant just have sex with anyone but he kept telling me like its normal and fine and I kept getting disgusted till the time he came out of his high and asked for forgiveness. I left home and came to my parents house for a few days because I just cant get the feeling of disgust shrug off and I dont know what to do. Should I break up with him? I cant marry someone who disrespects me like this.November 17, 2021 at 12:17 pm #388724
I would be disgusted too, if I was in your place. For you, sex and love go together (“for me, sex comes only after I am in love“), and you’ve been having sex with your boyfriend, and only with your boyfriend, because you love him. For you, sex is a special thing, something private between you and the man you love. And yet, the man you love.. wants to take sex out of the private context into the public context: you having sex with some other man (no love involved) and then tell him the details.
I imagine that if you accommodated his current fantasy, the next step on his fantasy ladder would be him watching you having sex right there where it takes place.. and the next step after that.. ?
My gut level answer to your question if you should break up with him is Yes, and regarding marrying him: No!
anitaNovember 17, 2021 at 4:36 pm #388730
Thanks for your response. When he last brought it up we had a huge fight where I told him that he has basically disrespected me and my principles by getting this topic up again and he apologised and said these are just fantasies and he wouldnt ask me to actually go out and do it he said he just wants to play it in his head like a roleplay and he wouldn’t ask me to do anything I am not confortable with. Actually I have been with him for 12 years now and yes he hasnt forced upon any of his fantasies on me or anytime while we are having sex so I dont know if I should neglect all the good things in him and the fact that he has kept me so happy throughout 12 years or should I go ahead with not getting involved with this man at all? I am in a big dilemma because both of our families have been involved and everything. I dont think I know whats the right thing to do here and I am having sleepless nights over it.November 17, 2021 at 8:25 pm #388736
It was my gut reaction to break up with him, but it doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing for you to do (or for me, if I was in your place). I guess it’s that disgust that you mentioned (” I just cant get the feeling of disgust shrug of“), that got to me too, just from reading about his fantasy. I want to write to you more in the morning, when I am more focused, in about 10 hours from now.
anitaNovember 18, 2021 at 12:31 am #388738
it’s understandable that you are upset and disgusted and feel disrespected, because asking such things of you is really disrespectful. He asks you to disassociate love and sex, and that it’s completely normal, whereas it is not normal at all:
he said no I dont want you to fall in love you will love me and only me please dissociate love and sex and I was like I cant for me sex comes only after I am in love I cant just have sex with anyone but he kept telling me like its normal and fine
It’s not normal, although perhaps it is for him. Does he separate love from sex? Is he perhaps having sex with other women beside you, or watches porn, or something like that? I am not suggesting he is, but simply that if this is what he believes, perhaps he doesn’t or wouldn’t have a problem being unfaithful to you either.
he apologised and said these are just fantasies and he wouldnt ask me to actually go out and do it he said he just wants to play it in his head like a roleplay and he wouldn’t ask me to do anything I am not confortable with.
Well, pleading you to do it and convincing you it’s normal sounds like he really wanted you to do it. At least a part of him did. I believe he’d need to see a therapist and figure out what lies behind those fantasies, because I imagine that they won’t go away. Specially if you get married and have children, he’ll be under even more stress, and you said that stress is what triggers his sexual fantasies. So if he learned to self-soothe through sex and sexual fantasies, including those that are disrespectful and humiliating to you, it’s something he’d need to work on in therapy. If I were you, I’d talk with him about it and demand that he deals with those issues before you get married.November 18, 2021 at 12:42 am #388739
Thank you for replying and being there honestly I cant talk to anyone about this and talking here feels like a weight has lifted. About therapy, yes I agree he need to take that but he just started taking therapy to deal with the situation he is unable to deal with (his parents are against me and they have stopped picking up his calls, his mother writes to him every now and then accusing him of ruining the family name and ruining his dad’s health, we made multiple attempts to talk to them but they just dont wana agree to this marriage and he doesnt wana leave me or my family, for him this isnt right and he hasnt been able to deal with his parents behaving this way and has just started taking therapy to deal with it.) With this therapy going on, is it okay/manageable to take another therapy or will it just bow him down more? I really dont know!!!November 18, 2021 at 1:11 am #388740
you are welcome. I am not anita, btw 🙂
The situation with his parents does seem pretty complicated. You said you’ve been together for 12 years and living together for 4 – does it mean they have been against you all this time?
I dont know if I should neglect all the good things in him and the fact that he has kept me so happy throughout 12 years or should I go ahead with not getting involved with this man at all? I am in a big dilemma because both of our families have been involved and everything.
When you said this, I thought your families were tightly knit and that’s one of the reasons why you are in a dilemma. But it seems the opposite is true, since his parents don’t like you at all:
his parents are against me and they have stopped picking up his calls, his mother writes to him every now and then accusing him of ruining the family name and ruining his dad’s health,… they just dont wana agree to this marriage
That’s pretty bad. The conflict with his family, which has been ongoing, seems like a much bigger cause of stress than his work stress… He is forced to choose between the woman he loves and his parents, whom he loves too, but who see you as someone who is ruining their family. Perhaps this conflict even has to do with his sexual fantasies, in which he basically wants to humiliate you and degrade you to a sex object — it might be a part of him who wants to please his parents. I don’t know, just a thought…
So definitely, a lot of therapy is needed… But also, how are you feeling in all this? How are you feeling about his family being so mean to you and rejecting you?
November 18, 2021 at 1:38 am #388742
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by TeaK.
Oops sorry, I didnt see the name! Thanks for hearing out! When I said the families are involved I meant both set of parents know about us being together, my parents are absolutely okay and happy to have him in our family since they have known him for 12 years and love him and they are also aware that his parents arent okay with this but they still are supporting us with anything and everything and have been waiting patiently for us to get married, my boyfriend also feels a part of ny family but I do feel sometimes that whatever is happening with his parents I might be at the recieving end since I am the only one closest to him, living with him 24/7 I dont think I feel any guilt because I know we havent done anything wrong, his parents havent even met me they dont even know me but still the rejection, his mom has alwsys been the one taking decisions on behalf of the family always and my boyfriend to avoid conflict has always given her an impression that she is in control of his life too which ofcourse is the biggest cause of them not accepting me! But to be in this complication, to lose one’s parents because of this is definitely heart breaking and to see him cry every now and then is also heart breaking. I felt like what if we go ahead with this and somehow I remind him of what he lost, I have already spoken to him about this and he said there is no way I will blame you or look at you as the reason for all this because the reason is only me and my parents and not you, he said he is clear about that and for the past 3 years when the parents fiasco happened we were still able to maintain the sanity in our relationship, it wasnt the same in the start he was too guilty but after few days he became normal and our relationship became the way it was, so may be I am overthinking or may be not I dont know. You said his sexual fantasy might be related to his parents stuff but he first brought this fantasy up 6 years ago when his parents knew nothing and none of the families were involved so may be its not related to his parents rejecting me. But we have had so many obstacles lately, our marriage has been postponed multiple times due to it which makes me think may be the nature is trying to tell me something or I dont know if I am doing the right thing!! Actually I dont know may be I am thinkimg too much and feel drained!November 18, 2021 at 3:31 am #388743
You said his sexual fantasy might be related to his parents stuff but he first brought this fantasy up 6 years ago when his parents knew nothing
It’s strange that he has been hiding your relationship for so long. Does it mean he only told his parents about you 3 years ago, and that’s when “the parents fiasco” happened? They have never even met you (his parents havent even met me they dont even know me), and yet they have been rejecting you since day 1. That’s bad. I guess he knew they wouldn’t approve of you, and that’s why he has been hiding the relationship. Am I right in thinking that?
If this has been going on for 12 years, it means that his inner conflict might have lasted since then. One way of dealing with the inner conflict could be to create a split in his mind, where one part of him doesn’t like you and wants to humiliate you, like his parents do. That way he could still be with you, and at the same time stay “faithful” to his parents too. I am not saying this is what’s really happening, but it can be, based on what you’ve shared.
his mom has alwsys been the one taking decisions on behalf of the family always and my boyfriend to avoid conflict has always given her an impression that she is in control of his life too
If he has the need to keep her happy by doing what is expected of him, that’s a recipe for disaster. You don’t want to get married to someone like that. He’d really need to solve this issue and stop seeking approval from his parents.
he said there is no way I will blame you or look at you as the reason for all this because the reason is only me and my parents and not you,
Rationally, he knows you’re not to blame, but subconsciously, he is still seeking approval from his parents. As long as he doesn’t sort that out, it will affect your relationship and your marriage. If not in other ways, it may via his sexual fantasies, in which he is disrespecting you.
may be I am overthinking or may be not I dont know. I dont know may be I am thinkimg too much and feel drained!
No, you’re not overthinking. You are right to be upset and cautious about your common future. The way things are now, it’s not good. He’d need to sort out his relationship with his parents and stop seeking their approval (and even cut ties with them if necessary), otherwise you’ll have problems in your marriage, unfortunately.
November 18, 2021 at 6:47 am #388745
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by TeaK.
I (anita) am back to your thread. I want to summarize what you shared so far best I can: you know your boyfriend (I’ll refer to him as B) for 12 years, living with him for 4 years. Your parents met B long ago, and are “absolutely okay and happy to have him in our family.. and have been waiting patiently for us to get married”. His parents did not know about you until 3 years ago, after you and B have been living together for a year. His parents never met you and don’t want to meet you. They are against the two of you getting married. You and B planned to get married multiple times and the “marriage has been postpone multiple times”. Currently, the plan is to get married next year.
Of B’s parents, his mother “has always been the one taking decisions on behalf of the family”, and B has let him make his decisions and be in “control his life”, so to avoid conflict with her. Currently his mother writes to B sometimes, “accusing him of ruining the family name and ruining his dad’s health”. He tried to talk to his parents, but they stopped picking up his calls. He felt “too guilty” about upsetting his parents, afraid of losing them, and he sometimes cries over it. He is conflicted: he wants to be with you and he does not want to lose his parents. Recently, he is attending therapy because he is unable to “deal with the situation”.
In your original post you presented two problems: B feeling stressed at work and B resorting to offensive sexual fantasies as a result. But you made no mention of the Number 1 Problem in your relationship: B’s parents being against the the planned marriage and B feeling so conflicted, guilty and upset about it.
I am guessing that this Number 1 Problem is the reason why you and B did not get married yet, not in the 12 years you know him. Also, seems like because the marriage was postponed multiple times, there is no reason to trust that the plan to marry next year will not be one of these multiple postponements. Also, because habits are powerful, B’s habit of letting his mother control his life is likely to continue.
If you live in a country such as India where arranged marriages is a common practice and where it is socially accepted for parents to exert great power over their adult children’s lives, then “Boyfriend’s weird fantasy” is the least of your problems, if marriage is on your mind, The elephant in the room, so to speak, is his parents’ rejection of you. I read many stories of men leaving behind very long-term girlfriends of whom their parents disapproved after enough pressure, and/ or when the men reach an age and the parents (always seems to be the mother most of this job) pressure the men to get married.. to a woman they do approve of. I also read stories where parents don’t care who their son is dating and living with.. as long as they later marry a woman they do approve of.
You started your original post, where you did not mention the Number 1 Problem, with: “Hi, me and my boyfriend.. have been very content and happy”– I am guessing that you have been content and happy whenever you .. forget the Number 1 Problem/ the elephant in the room?
anitaNovember 18, 2021 at 9:24 am #388748
Hi TeaK and Anita,
Thanks for your replies, yes we knew from the very start that his parents are strict his parents used to not allow him to even visit his friend’s place and used to him with belt if he ever brought any female friend home, they have been so strict that they never allowed him to go for stayovers or have female friends. Actually we both decided to hide it from his parents because we both knew how strict and narrow minded they are and when they got to know about us they locked him up in a room and didny let him go out at all. We are living in the US for the last 5 years studying and working and we specially came to India to talk to his parents 3 years back that is when all hell broke loose we did expect some backlash but not so much that they literally locked him in a room, the day he had his flight back to New York he was so happy and he promised he will never come back to India but we are here in India again we just came here last week because my parents were missinh me and I also wanted to see them so he agreed to tag along just for me but ofcourse it was difficult for hik to come back here he decided to not stay with his parents but in an airbnb all alone so he doesnt have to go through the torture again, his parents are unaware that he is here but he has come met my parents couple of times after we landed here, we are going back to US in December 1st wk.
Yes, we are only happy and content because we are living in US and tend to forget about this problem but we have planned to tackle it once B is done with his therapy that he has just started. I dont know after all this how do I leave him but if not that then probably we will have to take couple therapy because I am still disgusted and dont know how ro feel about and what to do.November 18, 2021 at 10:05 am #388749
You are welcome. “we will have to take couple therapy because I am still disgusted and don’t know how to feel about and what to do“- this crossed my mind earlier today, the two of you seeing a couple therapist.
Having just read from you that his parents are very strict, not allowing their adult son to be in the company of a female, locking him up when they learned that he had a girlfriend 3 years ago- I figure that his attraction to the idea of you having sex with another man, or men, is about going against his parents’ strictness to the extreme: not only by having a girlfriend.. but all the way, crossing the basic, socially and sexually acceptable practice of monogamy, PLUS hearing the details. It excites him to rebel against his controlling mother to the Extreme!
Question is, will he rebel against his mother by marrying you and making a life with you, or will he eventually break under his mother’s pressure and break up with you.. Also, if I understand correctly, he is about 25 or so.. maybe younger. This means that in a few years his parents will pressure him to marry some other woman, in India. Don’t you think so?
anitaNovember 18, 2021 at 10:32 am #388750
Hi Anita, he is 30 years old and yes they had started showing him prospects of girls of his caste but he said no they even blackmailed him by saying they will stop eating if he doesnt look at the photos to that he lost his mind and said I will also stop eating then and threw his phone out of our balcony, after that episode his parents has not brought up the topic of girls till now, but they dont actually talk to him much just once a wk that too only his dad not his mum so the relationship there is already too weakened but yes he still looks at his phone whenevr he achieves any milestone, he still looks for that approval but somewhere he knows he is never going to get that!November 18, 2021 at 10:46 am #388751
What you are describing is just one more story about parents (as I said, it’s usually the mother who takes on this job) destroying their adult children’s lives best they can so to get what they want, which in this case, is that he marries a woman of their caste.
“he still looks at his phone whenever he achieves any milestone, he still looks for that approval but somewhere he knows he is never going to get that!“- every time he looks at his phone.. he still hopes to get their approval. So, when he tells you: I know that I will never get their approval!, part of him thinks something like: I know that I will never going to get their approval… but maybe I will.. maybe now.. how about now?
When does his mother expect him to finish his studies in the U.S.? I am guessing that she doesn’t want to pressure him too much before he graduates, so that his studies will not suffer much, and so that he will earn his diplomas.. and afterwards, after he successfully graduates- then she will escalate and intensify her pressure.
anitaNovember 18, 2021 at 11:36 am #388786
Yes, we are only happy and content because we are living in US and tend to forget about this problem but we have planned to tackle it once B is done with his therapy that he has just started. I dont know after all this how do I leave him but if not that then probably we will have to take couple therapy because I am still disgusted and dont know how ro feel about and what to do.
It’s great that your boyfriend has started therapy, to deal with his issues related to his parents. Is he clear on the goal of therapy? What would he like to achieve? Is it to be able to better cope and eventually resist his parents’ pressure, and feel free to enjoy his relationship with you?
Also, what about your plans after graduation? Do you want to stay in the US or return to India? Do you both wish the same?
I think these are all questions to consider. Perhaps at this point it would make sense to give it some time and see how his therapy is progressing. His sexual fantasies might lessen too, once he resolves the core issues with his parents.