Dear Carrie:

You are welcome. You do love her truly, but what she is not able to take in your (true) love because what’s inside her is a false kind of love- that of an exchange: I do this for you; you owe me that and so much more. What we experience and learn in childhood is way more powerful and takes precedence over what we experience in adulthood.

“I helped her the other day.. and she said I owe you. No you don’t, I helped you because I care for you. I don’t expect anything in return”- she is not hearing your words because she is still hearing her parents’ words, words similar to:  you owe us! We give you this and that, and you owe us! You owe us more, more!

“L is always making the effort with her family”- she is still looking to them for love (and for freedom from debt). She is too focused on them to be able to notice that you truly love her, and that she has no debt with you.

“I’ll be glad for you to discuss”- here are my suggestions at this point (there may be more as our communication continues):

1. When you tell her what you feel for her, loving feelings- keep it short, end the few words with a smile, keep it light, not heavy. Present yourself to her best you can, as emotionally self-sufficient, that is: show her that you are okay living by yourself, that her moving out is not devastating you, that she is not causing you misery. Be as  okay as you can be, and show that to her.

2. When you consider giving her a gift next time, ask her beforehand if it will be okay for you to give her the gift. Let her know that if she accepts your gift, she owes you nothing for it.

3. When you offer her your help next time, ask her if it will be okay with her that you help her with this or that, and let her know that if she accepts your help, she owes you  nothing for it.

anita

Dear Karen:

I apologize for addressing you by another name (the name of another member with whom I communicated at the same time of communicating with you).

“I feel it is useless telling her”- keep telling her nonetheless, but not at length, use a short sentence, in a calm voice and a smile, if you can manage it. Over time, it may sink  in, little by little.

She texted you a short while ago, asking you how you are feeling living by yourself, and you told her that you “didn’t like it”, that’s fine for you to say it, it is honest. What will harm the friendship and possible relationship with her, would be if you went on and on about how miserable you are without her. Stating how you feel in short sentences, and not in a heavy emotional tone is best.

anita

Dear Karen:

I am glad it’s okay with you that I made this mistake. Be as forgiving with yourself as you proceed with L. Neither one of you will be mistake-free. Do your best every day, that’s the best you can do. And feel free to post here anytime you want to. I will be glad to read from you whenever I find your post and reply.

anita

You are welcome, Karen. Anytime. Try to be calm for the rest of the weekend, calming music perhaps, a calming bath.

anita

Dear Karen:

I am glad you had a first relaxing weekend alone, and I hope that this second weekend will be relaxing as well, even though your last conversation with L caused you some distress.

You shared that L had been texting and phoning you every day this week, “phoning a lot”. Last night, Friday night,  you met and talked. She asked you how are feeling, and you told her that you still have the same feelings for her, feelings that will not change with a click of the fingers. She then said that maybe you shouldn’t see each other. Next, she said that she was getting Christmas presents for you.

L told you that when you first met, there wasn’t an initial attraction. And that during the relationship, you tried to change for her. You told her (or thought it) that you were changing because you really were becoming more confident in the relationship, not because you were faking (holding hands, etc.)

She told you that the first time you went out for dinner, she asked you questions because she wanted to get to know you, but you were super nervous that night. You told her (or thought it) that during that first dinner you were nervous because of those butterflies she awakened in you.

She then told you that she feels guilty.  You asked her why? And she said that if she speaks to someone online, she feels guilty, even though she shouldn’t feel guilty because she is not together with you, and therefore, she is not doing anything wrong.

She then said: “I want to be honest with you. I have been talking to someone and she knows me and (my) situation and is understanding.. (I’m) meeting her tomorrow, Saturday”. You said nothing in return.

At some other time she said that she knows that eventually she will get a new partner and you and her will fizzle out, but later said that it “wasn’t going to happen on her side for a while”.

You wrote: “I just don’t know how to take the conversations sometimes. Is she testing  me in a sense to see what I say… I just don’t know what to think”-

– My understanding of what she is thinking and feeling:

1. She is feeling guilty about ending the relationship and as a result,  you being hurt and disappointed. She is a decent person, she cares about not hurting others. Plus, (invalid) guilt is strong in her regarding her family, so it is not surprising to me that she feels guilty in regard to you too.

2. She likes you as a friend, at this point, and she is looking for a physical/ emotional attraction and excitement in a relationship with someone new. Her search for that someone new has already started, and is in progress. She feels a newness in her life, having just moved and .. she wants more newness, someone/ something exciting.

– What will happen next, I do not know. It is possible that she will find her excitement with this woman she is meeting Saturday, it is possible that she will not; it is possible that she will keep looking, but (I am sorry to say), it seems to me that she is not looking for that newness and excitement with you.

I am guessing that if she fails in finding what she wants, that she will need you for emotional support and help, and she will reach out to you. She might at that point be interested in a relationship with you, giving it another chance. Problem is that in her mind, there is no attraction to you, and that may remain the case long term.

I am sorry to be writing what I  just did, but I believe that facing reality leads to good mental health, so that’s the reality I see, through your words over time.

I hope to read more from you today/ this weekend, I want you to be okay.

anita