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Break-Up Recovery- Is This Normal?

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  • November 27, 2014 at 2:25 am #68451
    L
    Participant

    Hello all,

    A little while ago, I posted something about some struggles I was having with my break-up and found responses very helpful, for which I’m very thankful. I’m in sort of a place of confusion right now so I thought I’d post again. I’m 22. Basically, my ex and I dated for around 2 1/2 years. We were each other’s first loves, and for a long time thought we’d be each other’s only loves. But that wasn’t the case. We “officially” broke up about 9 months ago, but stopped being “together” about 6 months ago. About 3 months ago, we met up and he told me he was seeing someone I was always suspicious about and crushed my heart all over again. I always tried to be on good terms with him, but this was the final straw. He had truly put be through so much by this point and I had experienced so much pain in the relationship, and this piece of news finally pushed me over the edge. I realized I couldn’t be fully happy while he was still in my life, at least for now, and I cut off all communication. We are now living/working in different countries, having our own experiences.

    I’ve been doing many things to work through my emotions and I can see my progress and how far I’ve come. Recently, I had a couple weeks where I FINALLY felt COMPLETELY normal again…I felt happy. Not necessarily in a euphoric-type way, but just at peace and calm and normal. Indifferent to the things surrounding the relationship that hurt me. I had dreamed of returning to this state of mind for so long. I thought to myself “Am I finally truly over it?” It was quite hard for me to believe. Sure enough, I had a bad dream one night and that triggered me back to a place where there’s still a small weight in my daily life. It’s not that I’m crying every day (not that tears don’t ever come), but it’s just the sense that he’s still on my mind. And I don’t want that. I want the weight to be gone. I want to completely accept what’s happened and move on. I also realized that it was right around this time last year that we went on a “break,” which was an extremely stressful time for me. Knowing that has triggered some emotions as well.

    Is this normal? I understand that a recovery process has ups and downs, but now that I’ve for some reason had a taste of real normalcy, I want to know that it will come back. Have I sabotaged myself somehow? Also, I get kind of anxious when I start thinking in terms of time. It’s been almost a year since we officially broke up…should I be completely over it by now? Indifferent? I know there’s no official time-table, and I know I need to go slow and be gentle with myself. But is there a line? Does it sound like I’m “on track” from what I’ve described? Just in need of some hope that things really will eventually be completely ok. That I’m not allowing myself to be hurt for longer than I should. That if I had to see him again, it wouldn’t destroy me. This thought makes me anxious as well. I often think in terms of competition with him, and would often feel like he has this power over me. And I don’t want it. I want to be indifferent and move on. I’m loads better than I was in the beginning, but again, just in need of some hope that my life is taking me in a positive direction (as far as this goes…besides this, I recognize that I am in a very fortunate place in my life. And I don’t want it to be shadowed by this anymore, no matter how faint that shadow is). Advice, stories, etc. would be much appreciated!

    November 27, 2014 at 4:28 am #68452
    Inky
    Participant

    What you are feeling is so normal, it’s text-book! The time line ~ If you were, say, now 30 and weren’t over him after 8-ish years then that’s a problem LOL. But the breakup “just” happened! There are people who carry a torch for decades. I don’t think that’s “you” because you are already having bouts of happiness and normalcy and don’t seem to romanticize this guy. If anything, your competitive spirit will keep you attached.

    Keep it up, you’re doing better than I’ve been over break ups!

    November 27, 2014 at 8:51 am #68455
    alice
    Participant

    Hi ,
    The fact that you have taken the decision to move on and be indifferent is job half done.I too was in a relationship 6 years ago and it was kind of intense and it was a tough breakup.We have all this ideal situations and images in our head when we are in love and when those are shattered it is difficult to move on.What I would suggest that helped me would be practice mindfulness and love kindness meditation.Start asking yourself questions like why do I think about him?Is he the only person in the world that makes me happy?These questions will help you to become indifferent to him and start wishing well in your mind.This will help you not have any grudges against him. Wish you all the best and have a great life.

    November 29, 2014 at 6:33 am #68535
    L
    Participant

    Thank you alice!

    Thanks so much for replying. Yes, exactly. When your plans and ideas are completely shattered, it’s really hard. I felt like he completely broke my trust in him, and it really hurts, and there’s no going back now. And yes! For the last couple months, I have in fact been more invested in practicing mindfulness and meditation. And I have to say that it really has helped. I guess I need to continue asking myself questions like you said and to give myself time. When you say “love kindness meditation,” are you referring to something specific? Specific techniques or a specific practice? I don’t want to hold any grudges against him, and I am normally really not at all the type that carries anger. But I am really finding it hard to let go of my anger at him. Like I said, I felt like he broke and betrayed my trust and really hurt me, and it certainly makes me sad and angry.

    November 29, 2014 at 6:42 am #68537
    L
    Participant

    Hi Inky!

    Thank you so much for your reply! You helped me release some judgement against myself. I wasn’t sure if it was right of me to still be calling it a “recent” breakup, and to still be having strong feelings that pop up over it. But the heart’s timeline is a unique one, and all of this really can still be considered fresh. Sometimes I wonder how he feels about all this, but he’s much less emotional than I am in general. And it makes me feel bad thinking I’m still hurting and he’s not (not that I have a way of rally knowing if he is or not). But you’re right, comparing myself with him, or this girl, or really just ideas in my head of him and/or this girl, is really hindering my process. I think during the relationship, he certainly aided in fostering this sense of “competition” that I have in relation to him, but I can’t blame him completely. I need to let go of it but I’m not sure how. It used to make me really anxious, this sense of competition, but now I realize it’s lessened so much since the relationship ended. Any advice about how to continue erasing this pattern of comparing myself to him? I think I’m only now realizing that these sentiments still exist and they’re keeping me attached, thanks for helping me realize. And for your encouragement!!

    November 29, 2014 at 8:15 am #68539
    Inky
    Participant

    I have a friend (who was more than a friend several years ago) and we have a “competition” of sorts between us. LOL

    I laugh about it now, but in the beginning it was all about not showing vulnerability, not needing help, “you don’t have to prove you’re beautiful to strangers” (a line from an old song), that type of thing.

    Time, distance, having your own thing, not checking social media, not getting drawn too deep in conversations… All these things will help with that competition thing.

    November 30, 2014 at 12:24 pm #68575
    alice
    Participant

    Hi,
    Great to hear from you.For love kindness meditation you can refer to http://www.wildmind.org/ It is a great site if you want to learn more about meditation.Meditation can transform your life.It has done wonders for me and get out of this victim mentality like he betrayed me,he broke my trust etc. You have to put an end to those thoughts.Accept the situation and start looking for a brighter future.

    Lots of love and warmth.
    stay great.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by alice.
    December 2, 2014 at 7:08 pm #68675
    Tet
    Participant

    Sending you light and love L.

    I can very much empathize with what you are going through. Praying for our healing.
    Hugs

    December 3, 2014 at 11:04 am #68691
    belove
    Participant

    Dear L,
    I have to say I can so much relate to what you’re feeling. I was there and knew what it was like to have the emotional ups and downs. It takes time to find ourselves. When we’re alone with ourselves, we have a chance to get to know what it’s like to be us. I think what might help to speed up your recovery is doing the opposite of trying and focusing on getting that last bit of thoughts/weight related to him out of your system. What you fight, you actually give the power to. What you focus on grows. It’s how our brains work. When you give less focus on forgetting him & the related memories, you will actually let it go. Another way is to try to understand that everyone who came into our lives was meant to teach us something about ourselves. Sometimes, it’s a bit easier to let something go when we come to an awareness that it was not meant to be. Embrace this alone time. When there is less focus on the past and more focus on finding who you are and what truly brings you joy, you will build a stronger foundation in who you are. Focus on doing the things that brought you those glimpses of joy. Try out different hobbies. When you find joy in being you, the memories of what happened will feel so much different. There will actually be a sense of gratitude. Much love to you.

    December 4, 2014 at 8:05 am #68718
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Who knows what normal is really…
    Some scars will never fully fade away.
    I was with someone for three years.
    A week after we split up, they entered a new relationship, seemingly out of nowhere.
    It was a real head **** because just 2 weeks before the final break-up, my ex was saying ‘Please don’t end this. I love you so much. Can’t you see how much I want this to work?’.
    That was July last year, and due to my anxiety and depression I’ve always struggled to let go.
    It was quite traumatic and she told me she’d cheated on me.

    I’ve been with someone since March now and they’re amazing, but for some reason I still get upset thinking about my ex and how I’ll never talk to them again. Things didn’t end good. It’s odd and very difficult to let go of someone you were so close to. I still have to drive past her house every day, and my head seems to turn off it’s own accord, and sees her bedroom light on. She’s literally 3 minutes away, by car. I feel like I need to get away to distance myself from all the bad memories, but I’d struggle to support myself (I live with my parents). It’s scary to think nearly a year and a half have passed and I feel as if I’ve not progressed with my life at all, even though on paper I did some things I never would have thought I could this year (like see my favourite band, Blink 182, live in London – albeit I had a lot of anxiety).

    Hopefully in time, we’ll become stronger and better people.
    I do remind myself that I had all the same problems with my ex.
    She was very stress-inducing and we just weren’t a good match. She changed when she went to University and wanted to go out clubbing every weekend. That was never me, as I’m really introverted for the most part.
    But, the past has fond memories and it can be scary to think they’re gone for good.
    We just have to focus on the present and making more good memories now.

    December 4, 2014 at 9:33 am #68725
    Catherine Wiatrowski
    Participant

    Hi, my breakup was in October, it came out of the blue, actually we were away at the Cape and two hours before it happened my partner said to me that when we were done with dinner that we would go back to our room and ‘get close.” We had only been seriously dating for about 5 months. We are both widows, and live a distance away so we were going slowly, getting together usually just once a week, sometimes less. We both struggled initially as we had lost our partners about a year earlier so it was soon. We started as friends just getting together once in a while, over the late spring to summer and into fall all was well. She says that she at some point realized that she was not ready but she never expressed this until we were 5 hours away from my car, the ride back was horrible. I still cry every day. We talk or text once in a while, she says that she misses me and feels terribly about what happened but I get the sense now that she has gone back into the shell of helping out her family, who depend on her for many things, and whatever feelings she had went away. I don’t understand so much, especially as she initiated the first I love you, the tenderness, etc. I just feel so broken, started seeing a psychiatrist for anxiety. With the holidays here, my house on the market, the one that my deceased partner and I built 20 years ago, everything seems to be crashing down. Having so much trouble focusing on the good that happened, the risks that I took that I did not think that I could take again. I am glad to have found Tiny Buddha as I just need to write and vent sometimes, I get so lonely. And I miss her every day, even though she has distanced herself.
    Cathy

    December 10, 2014 at 11:56 am #69064
    xWhy
    Participant

    L,
    I would like to point out to you that you did not break up a year ago. From your post it’s only been 3-4 months. 2.5 years of invested emotions don’t right themselves in a few months. You are going to go through a few more bad patches as a new sense of self is forming. That’s fine, growth can be a bit painful. Just don’t jump into another relationship until you new self is solid. Like a crab shedding it’s old exoskeleton, you have to wait for that new one to harden before you can go running on the beach of love again. Use this down time to learn to set bondaries in relationships and to get clear on what you want to give to a partner as well as what you want to receive. It will cut down on future pain and a bunch of wasted time. Good luck!

    December 22, 2014 at 3:06 am #69634
    L
    Participant

    Thanks so much, praying for you as well!!!

    December 22, 2014 at 3:10 am #69635
    L
    Participant

    Cathy,
    I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles. I totally know what you mean, sometimes even just venting helps a lot. Try your best to stay as present as possible, and be proud of yourself for taking those “risks you thought you’d never be able to take again.” And don’t stop taking them. Much much love to you, I’m sure everything will start looking up soon<3

    December 22, 2014 at 3:12 am #69636
    L
    Participant

    belove,

    Thank you so much, I completely agree with what you’re saying. The more attention I give to this situation, the more attached I stay. Definitely just trying to focus on myself for now. And you’re right, if it was meant to be, it would have been. I gave it my bet shot and that’s all I could have done. And I will for sure check out your blog, thanks again!

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