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Breakup Guilt and Moving On

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  • September 7, 2014 at 8:49 am #64497
    MollyKat
    Participant

    I very recently broke up with my boyfriend three years. We had been engaged for the last 6 months of our relationship. My ex had some issues that caused a lot of mistrust on my part- he had what I would call an addiction to porn (he watched it several times a week, sometimes multiple times a day) and that affected our ability to be intimate. He assured me that this was not about me, but something he’s struggled with since he was a teen (he’s in his 30s now). However, watching porn escalated to him video chatting with girls online in a sexual way, and this led to him calling these girls he met online late at night. I only found out about this by looking through his phone and computer…he would lie about this and conceal things from me.

    In addition to this, I had issues with the way he treated me at times. Sometimes, he could be so loving and gentle, the type of person who encouraged me to be stronger and more confident. Other times, he could be downright mean and very angry with me for no apparent reason (he’d literally got mad at me one time for looking at him the wrong way). He never hit me, but he did have issues with being violent during sex. I told him I was open to what he wanted to do, but he did things that crossed the line- he’d roughly choke me during sex (a few times I blacked out because he was so rough) and one time he was so rough and angry during sex that he cracked two of my ribs. I told him I wasn’t ok with this, but it still continued; it was like he couldn’t help himself. Despite all these issues, I loved him and I know he loved me. He could be so kind and I knew he wanted to be better and take care of me. Looking back, I can see that I was obviously in denial because I loved him. I missed some huge red flags.

    Recently, I was notified by a few people that he had been calling and texting girls that he knows late at night. He made it very clear that he was wanting to have sex with them (not relationships, just sex). They all said no because they knew he was engaged. For me, this was the last straw. It seemed like his behavior was just going to continue to escalate and I figured he would eventually cheat on me, if he hadn’t already. I was also just broken by so many betrayals by him and I was sick of his lying. I had no more trust left.

    When I broke up with him, he took it very hard. He cried and begged for me to give him one last chance. He promised to go to counseling and wanted me to try. I told him I’d been trying. I’d suggested counseling (both for him and for us as a couple) months ago and he wasn’t interested. When I refused to give him another chance and gave him his ring back, he lost it, saying how he couldn’t believe I was giving up on us and to please give him another chance. Now I feel guilty because I know I hurt him. He’s told me I’m the love of his life and the only one he wants to be with. I know I’m better off single rather than with someone I can’t trust, but it tears me up inside to know that I’m hurting him. For the past three years, I’ve been his best friend and really his only support system. He doesn’t have many friends and he’s not close with his family. I’d try to encourage to hang out more with his friends, but he never seemed to want to. Now I feel guilty, because I know that not only did I break his heart, but I also took away his main support system (me).

    He keeps wanting to see me again to talk. I know he is going to try and get back together (that what he’s been doing when he calls me on the phone), but I don’t know what to do. I know I’m not going to get back with him, and I’ve made that clear to him, but he’s in denial I think. He says he just wants to see me, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea for him. I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I already have, but I also worry that he has no one to really support him. Is it a good idea to see him? I want to do what’s best for him.

    I’d also love advice on how to deal with this guilt that I’m feeling. It’s killing me that I hurt him, even though I made the right decision for us.

    September 7, 2014 at 9:21 pm #64529
    Anup Dhirwan
    Participant

    Hi Molly,

    Its hard to move on with the person whom you have loved, no matter what conditions that person created to finish the relationship. In relationships sometimes people take other partner for granted. The way you had been able to ignore his activities right from the start, he felt that he can create more space for those things and thus it got escalated. You were right on your part but he couldn’t make better of it because he was having some problems. The way you described it, he is into you as he was looking for “just sex, no relationships”. People got problems and there is solution for everything. I am not sure if you still got that place for him in your heart but you should give him at least a friendly support to get out of this addiction, porn or sex whatever it is. Hope he will also try to improve himself and it will take some good time.

    I have been in such a situation, not related to porn but something else and just like him I had nobody to support me. I had to fight it myself and believe me its hard. So, just be friend with him at the moment. He must be gentle enough to understand the situation and will look for improving himself to get you back in life.

    If you are still in love with him then its the Testing Times for your love to see how strong it is. Quitting is an option but not the solution. Look for solution. Talk and open up, things will go better if he wants to.

    September 8, 2014 at 3:44 am #64533
    Will
    Participant

    I think you were right to not give him another another chance. And I think his response to that demonstrates that very well.

    I’ve recently ended a relationship that wasn’t working, and I too wish he was coping better than he is. He doesn’t have much support, having leaned on me too much for too long. But I feel that the solution to that is not to let him lean on me some more. He’s got to stand on his own, and I think your guy has to stand on his own, too.

    On top of that, I’ve never been choked to blacking out or ended up with broken ribs. Even if he was hurting you during sex rather than during a fight, that’s still abusive. You made it clear you weren’t up for that. And blacking out is serious shit. You could have ended up with brain damage from him doing that. That is not ok.

    I know you want to do what’s best for him. That’s noble, but I think you should also consider the risk to you of any action. Specifically, the risk of slipping back into the ways of thinking that made you let him get away with that stuff. Sometimes it’s OK to do what’s best for you, first. Remember to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs.

    And with that I don’t even think it’s necessarily good for him to continue to see you and talk to you. As long as he has in his mind that he may get you back and things will be hunky dory like they were, he won’t take the necessary steps to be able to look after himself, build a support network, get his issues sorted so he can treat a woman properly, etc.

    So basically, let him go. It’s not your job to look after him anymore. I know it hurts like hell but you can’t look after him, now. You can only drag the two of you into complication and drama.

    My best wishes to both of you.

    September 10, 2014 at 3:43 pm #64727
    MollyKat
    Participant

    Thank you both so much for your replies. It’s been a very tough week. Part of me knows that I made the right decision, the other part is still plagued with guilt and now I’m wondering if I’ll ever find someone again.

    I am doing my best to let him go. He told me that he is going to counseling and I hope he follows through and gets help. He deserves to be happy and not feel bad about himself all the time. I last saw him on Sunday when he came to get stuff from my house. He seems to understand that I think we both need to move on, but he’s having trouble accepting that. He cried a lot, especially when I tried to give him back the engagement ring. It gutted me from the inside out, he was sobbing on my shoulder, and I hated hurting him so much. He never took the ring; he said he just couldn’t stand having it right now.

    I am doing my best just to move on and be at peace. I want us both to be happy and find “the one” eventually, if that really exists. I just feel like such a horrible person for causing him pain, despite the things that happened between us. I just hope this gets better for both of us.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by MollyKat.
    September 12, 2014 at 10:06 am #64804
    Ashley Arcel
    Participant

    Hi MollyKat,

    First of all – my heart goes out to you. This is a very tough situation that you’re in and it sounds like you’ve been dealing with it very courageously. Guilt is a really brutal emotion and it sounds like your relationship with this man instilled a lot of very complicated things. What I can promise you is this – you did the right thing. Nobody is saying that he is a bad man but he obviously has a good deal of complicated issues of his own and he needs to work through those things. To me, it sounds like he has many deeply rooted sexual issues that have the potential to be very dangerous and abusive – and I know that you have seen those. The baseline is this : as much as you love him, you can’t fix him and the best way that you can help him help himself is by moving on and doing so from a place of love. He needs to come to a solution for his issues organically – on his own – or it will never stick. And you, dear one, just need to take really good care of yourself. Throw out your lines, talk to your friends and family, make or buy yourself good food, get enough sleep, allow yourself to feel all of the emotions but also know that you are incredible and that, when you’re ready, you absolutely will find someone who will match you in strength, integrity and tenderness. All of the best to you.

    Ashley

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