Home→Forums→Relationships→Broke up 4 years ago, want her back
- This topic has 6 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 7 months ago by Eliana.
August 25, 2017 at 7:47 am #165550AustinParticipant
4 years ago, I broke up with a wonderful woman who I had an amazing connection with. Mentally we were connected and I could almost read her mind, Sexually we were completely in sync without even trying. I got bored after a year of dating and started finding insignificant problems and made an excuse to break up because I thought that I wanted something else. The break up was AWFUL. I can still remember her crying and begging me to stay with her for months. It tore me apart, but my family urged me to not change my mind. After a few months she gave up and things started to heal. I dated other girls for years, but found out time and time again, that I never found anyone close to as awesome as her. She made me promise before we officially broke up that I would come back to her if I found I loved her again, and to be honest, I think I genuinely do…I was just an immature boy back then, not knowing what was truly important. I texted her a month ago to see how she was doing and she said she was doing fine, but she said she was still hurting from our breakup 4 years later. She didn’t want to talk much further at that time so I left it alone. Even now it is still on my mind and I want to send her a letter or maybe ask her for coffee just to see her again….Please, I would like some advice! I am fully aware I was a complete butthole and broke up with a perfect woman, I just haven’t told her my feelings because I’m afraid of hurting her further. Thanks for reading….Feel free to tear me a new oneAugust 25, 2017 at 12:31 pm #165638AnonymousGuest
You wrote: “She made me promise before we officially broke up that I would come back to her if I found I loved her again, and to be honest, I think I genuinely do”-
You promised her, following her request. So now, that you believe that you love her (second part of the promise), you need to “come back to her” (first part of the promise), that is, to tell her that indeed you love her and that you are ready, if she is willing, to be back.
anitaAugust 25, 2017 at 4:48 pm #165676
It sounds like you have grown and matured very much. You are no longer the same person. You can’t continue to blame and punish yourself because at the time, you were very young and made a mistake. I would not give up on love. Ask her out for coffee, and let her see for her self the person you have become. I highly doubt you would hurt her again. Don’t put any pressure on her to get back together. Just make it light, tell her jokes, make her smile. Don’t talk about “getting back together” Just go very slow. The ball is in her court. She knows you still care for her. Ask her out again. Don’t give up on love. Just some thoughts.August 26, 2017 at 3:40 am #165712AustinParticipant
Thank you both so much for your help!!! Both of you have such great insight and have helped clear the smoke for me. I will try to just simply ask her out for coffee and see if she even says yes to that and if she does I’ll keep it simple!August 26, 2017 at 6:48 am #165718
You are welcome, post anytime..August 26, 2017 at 6:57 am #165720AnonymousGuest
I thought about your thread after my reply to you yesterday. I figure my reply to you was not complete and I would like to complete it now, quoting you and commenting on the quotes:
1. “I got bored after a year of dating and started finding insignificant problems and made an excuse to break up because I thought that I wanted something else”- I believe you need to look at what it is that bored you in the relationship with her, what was the significance in the problems you mentioned. Look at the relationships you had with women after her, in the past four years: did you get bored as well? What problems did you find in those relationships?
2. “.. her crying and begging me to stay with her for months…a month ago to see how she was doing and she said she was doing fine, but she said she was still hurting from our breakup 4 years later.”- Clearly, she is very vulnerable t you. It is your responsibility, by examining what I suggested in #1 and what I will suggest further, to minimize the chances that she gets hurt further.
3. “my family urged me to not change my mind”- did they change their minds about her since four years ago? What were their objections, how valid did you believe their objections were… are they still valid? And how affected are you by your family’s input about her/ the women in your life?
4. “She made me promise before we officially broke up that I would come back to her if I found I loved her again, and to be honest, I think I genuinely do”- you promised that you will go back to her if you found you loved her again.
Better define “loved her”. You have been experiencing the feeling that you love her, but it is very important to look at what I suggested above so to make sure that you are able and willing to carry on consistent loving behavior toward her, that it is not only a feeling that will end up in boredom and killing-again of a resurrected relationship.
5. “I was a complete butthole and broke up with a perfect woman, I just haven’t told her my feelings because I’m afraid of hurting her further”- she was not “a perfect woman”. How do I know? I know because no human is perfect. If you believe she was or is perfect, that is a problem because when we believe what is not true, we don’t behave effectively.
Being “afraid of hurting her further” is understandable. Examining the above, here on your thread or elsewhere, is the responsible thing for you to do before attempting to resurrect a relationship with her.
anitaAugust 26, 2017 at 7:20 am #165728
All this stuff you wrote in your post about how you were with her, you even said, you were very young, immature. 4 years is a long time. One can do alot of growing and maturing in four years. Therfore. They are no longer the same person. Don’t go back to 4 years ago anymore. Its over. In the past. Stay in the present. The person you are today. Let her see this and decide for herself.