I broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years yesterday. I kind of blindsided him with it – we had so many plans for this week, his birthday is on Saturday – but a simple disagreement just triggered something I had been honestly considering for months even though I still wanted to observe further, and his demands for me to “spit it out” ended up in things becoming a break-up.

The thing is, I think I made the right decision to end things. We both admitted a while ago that we rushed into things by pretty much skipping the friend phase and deciding right from the get-go to date without each first meeting more people. It might just be commitment anxiety on my part – but in the past few months, whenever my mum asked me how we were doing or my friend jokingly asked when we’d get married, the very idea just filled me with utter dread and I even broke down a couple of times. That wasn’t right, was it? We’re both 20 – still so young – and issues have been coming up lately that make me question our long-term compatibility.

Lastly, he will be entering a 5-year med school course locally in seven months (medicine isn’t a grad school only study where I’m from) while I have plans for a PharmD overseas. He wouldn’t have minded the long distance rs – he told me so – but I know he’s the sort that needs the physical proximity, little things like touching and cuddling. (I’m not going to lie: my rs with him was quite a major factor on me deciding to reject a place at Cambridge, and even though I never told him this bit – I just cited finances or whatever – that decision is one of my life’s biggest regrets. And it was never his fault: he didn’t ask me to give it up. I was just young and stupid. I knew he was the sort that wouldn’t survive long-distance relationships, and I just… wanted to keep him. But after some time, it only made me secretly start to resent him that slightest bit – which is so unfair to him, and ironically, put a strain on our relationship on my end.) I was so afraid of history repeating if in a moment of weakness, I gave up on another dream, and yet would begin another cycle of regret and bitterness on my end.

I realised that I just wasn’t ready for a lifelong relationship, and I didn’t want to drag him along when I was having so many second thoughts and uncertainty to the point where I was only happen about the relationship when we met in-person. But, I just wish it didn’t hurt him so much. I feel so crushed and guilty – he loved me so much, and I feel like I betrayed him.

It doesn’t help that he keeps texting, sounding like a complete emotional wreck and talking about wanting him back and asking if I can at least be there for him to just phase things out slowly. I’ve tried to keep my replies strictly friendly without giving him false hope, but it’s also been taking its toll, especially when he has bursts of frustration that seem aimed to guilt me further. (This emotional immaturity is also part of the reason I walked away, actually.) I’m just scared that he’ll do something stupid if I take extreme measures like blocking him. (He isn’t very close to his family or friends.) What should I do about this part, considering the circumstances?

And on a secondary note, should I still wish him happy birthday 3 days later?