January 20, 2018 at 11:20 am #187749
Just broke up with my gf of 2 years 2 days ago. At first it was great we had really good chemistry even tho our conversations wasn’t in a very good flow but we were very attracted to each other. As the relationship progresses ad as we get to know each other deeper. We connected in some sort of spiritual way, something that I have never felt before from my past relationship. She is a great, caring and amazing girl who truly loves me and loyal to me. Loyalty is an extremely important value to me as I was cheated before in my past relationship. She’s just everything that I hoped but there just seem to be something that is missing between us. I think the biggest problem is our conversations, they do not really flow or maybe I was just overthinking about it. Sometimes I forced myself to start the conversation, it’s so tiring and it doesn’t feels natural. But physically we connected well even tho our sexual appetite is different which was an issue in the early stages but we managed to work it out.
We broke up quite a few times, the first was a mutual thing because she was insecure as I was still studying while she is alrd working and we’re the same age and I felt helpless as I tried my hardest to assure her with only words. We got back together the day after immediately afterwards as we still love each other and it was silly for us to just give up just like that. Things were great after that period as we became more stable. But deep down there was this inner voice telling me that something is missing. I chose to ignore it and tell myself that she’s a great girl and we just need more time to let the connection develop. Always trying to think positive about it because I love this girl and relationships takes work and a lot of effort. After a year plus, sometimes I feel excited and happy to be with her. Sometimes I feel bored and just annoyed with her. Our conversations doesn’t flow, it doesn’t feel natural and I just can’t connect with her emotionally like there’s something blocking me from truly connecting with her. We talked a lot about it and i always ended up hurting her as it is always my problem with her but she felt that everything was good on her side. It was always my problem and I felt so guilty and sad for hurting someon who cares for me and genuinely loves me.
I hated myself and forced myself to be more appreciative of her as she’s truly a gem and I told myself that I finally found someone amazing. I got very upset and I felt so confused. I know I love her, but it’s just that something doesn’t feel right. I even imagined the future when we’re about to get married, I couldn’t help to think if I am gonna regret marrying the wrong person in the end. I hated myself even more for doubting our relationship when she loves me and never have a single doubt in us. She was hurting always trying her best to satisfy my needs but I just can’t seem to be satisfied. Something was really wrong with myself and so I thought and keep shutting down my inner voice for a long time until the day when we argued about this again and she asked me to make a decision now to stay or leave. At that exact moment I was trembling and I didn’t know what to do. Half of my thought says “it’s time to let go! This is it!” and half of it says “don’t!”. I chose the safe side of course to stay with her. After that day I felt that there’s this rock in my heart and this agonizing little pain that stays in my heart. And my inner voice grew stronger as the days goes telling my I made the wrong decision and my logical mind telling me I should appreciate such loving gf. Every day was a battle between two minds and this rock in my heart just never seem to go away.
Until the day where I just couldn’t stand it anymore, I just had to tell her how I really felt because I was in so much pain! Sometimes I couldn’t breathe and felt like I was dying. Like my body is trying to tell me something but I chose to ignore it. It was just so hard to tell her but I had to because it’s not doing anymore good for both of us. I told her everything and told her and finally have the guts to tell her that it’s time to let go. It was so painful to see her cry and hurting so badly.
After the break up, I felt an immense sense of relief. I know I did the right thing as the rock in my heart was lifted. But I am just sad as I am not able to love someone fully who loves me so dearly. I know the break up is still fresh but sometimes I wonder if I really made the right decision. I love her and miss her but I can’t be happy with her. I wish her all the best and hope that she finds someone who can appreciate her.
My question is am I emotionally normal? I don’t know if I have a psychological problem or not that was blocking my mind from fully connecting with her. Does anyone have similar stories like this?January 20, 2018 at 11:28 am #187763BuddiParticipant
Hope you broke up in person rather than a text or email. Secondly its best if you end a relationship that you cannot commit to 100% because its unfair for you and the other person being a woman I can tell you its all about how you deliver.
If you told her honestly how you felt (I am not saying it wont hurt her it very much will) and ended it with dignity then ya that is the right thing to do. For now no matter how hard it is pls keep communications to minimal. She and you both are vulnerable do not slip and let her back into your life until you both agree to be friends (many people think they can be friends but I dont think its possible if the other person truly loves you).January 20, 2018 at 7:06 pm #187789
Yes we ended it face to face. I broke down in front of her while telling her everything. She broke down as well but it was quite a bad break up because she was very angry and she said I could have done it earlier but I know it’s now or never. Sometimes I am very tempted to text to tell her I’m sorry. Should I text her?January 20, 2018 at 7:58 pm #187785
I think there are certain “signs” or feelings that something is not right that we cant quite understand and we beat ourselves up for feeling and having them in us. When we repeatedly get this feeling we have to pay attention to it for your happiness and her sake…. I think your first sign that you made the right decision is feeling relief – that is the most assuring feeling to know you made the correct choice. You were honest… remember time helps us understand and make things clearer. You will understand yourself and your choice and KNOW it was the right thing to do!!!! You were very brave and honest. Many persons are too scared to listen to their selves. I wish you good luck!!January 20, 2018 at 8:11 pm #187793
Thank you for your kind words. To be honest I really learnt a lot about myself from this relationship. Learning to listen to this inner voice and learning to love myself more. I guess some people are in and out of your life for a reason, to teach all of us something valuable I’m life. I am forever grateful for her and cherished every loving memory with her.January 21, 2018 at 6:35 am #187821InkyParticipant
Everything can look great on paper, but sometimes there is this big, inescapable energetic “NO”!
That is your gut talking. Your gut is your second brain. Actually, it is your first brain. It gathers all this information that your brain can’t compute right away. Your gut is millions of years old. Our brains are still evolving. Our guts have stayed the same.
Listen to your gut. Don’t try to understand the reasoning of your gut. It’s too hard. But do heed it.
InkyJanuary 21, 2018 at 8:50 am #187885
I didn’t know there was such thing as gut feeling until it was calling out for me. Wow our body is really incredible. Thank you for your words of wisdom. Do you have any similar situation that requires you to listen to your gut feeling? Please do share!
Thank you again!
RomeoJanuary 21, 2018 at 9:50 am #187903anitaParticipant
I think you did the right thing to end this relationship because you were suffering in it and she did as well. You felt relief after the recent breakup because your suffering was happening in the context of the relationship.
Your suffering in the relationship may not be because the relationship was wrong. It may be that the inner voice you mentioned is fueled by past troubles being inaccurately projected into this relationship.
And it may be that there was something inherently wrong about this relationship- thing is you didn’t indicate what that means. You wrote that conversations with her did not flow. If you would like further input from me, would you like to give me a she-said/ he-said account of a conversation with her that didn’t flow?
anitaJanuary 21, 2018 at 9:50 am #187907InkyParticipant
It’s akin to the “Don’t go down that particular street now” feeling. Then you find out there was a crime or accident there the next day. Or the feeling when someone’s lying to you or putting you on. Or feeling crazy excited about going to a certain event or signing up for a particular class. Or knowing what the most delicious thing on the menu (for you!) will be.
The trick is not to second guess it. You may find something out years from now that will make you say, “Wow! Glad I dodged that bullet!”January 21, 2018 at 9:58 am #187911
I think as Inky says, we can’t really understand our gut immediately. I think years, months, weeks after making a decision based on our gut feeling we will understand exactly why things had to happen the way it did. Because someone is nice and sweet it doesn’t mean we have to love them and stay there, sometimes we do, but many people end up in unfulfilling and unhappy relationships. You said that you learned a lot, this was the lesson here and as I said you were very brave and honest.
Personally I admire you because I have had a gut feeling in me for about two years that the person I’m with is not for me and I have acted on this feeling, then went back together. I also felt relief every time I broke up. It kept coming back so I understood it as more lessons to come. Now, two years later, I am still feeling this big NO in my gut. It just feels like a NO. Every time during the day and during the relationship it has been there. Sure it can feel less stronger during moments of joy, pleasure and love. But it has never disappeared.
Good luck to all!
January 21, 2018 at 10:32 am #187919BuddiParticipant
- This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by carolinavu9.
Yes we ended it face to face. I broke down in front of her while telling her everything. She broke down as well but it was quite a bad break up because she was very angry and she said I could have done it earlier but I know it’s now or never. Sometimes I am very tempted to text to tell her I’m sorry. Should I text her?
Please do not text right now coz it can send mixed signals. She is hurt and mad for now keep all communication to need be, you have to do right by her if you truly do not want her and ended it for good do not give signs of vulnerability at the same time pls be respectful of her. If she needs closure then yes I would say answer questions and do the best you can ( I think closure is something no one can give but even so).January 21, 2018 at 9:38 pm #187973
Thank you for all your replies. She texted me and tried calling me asking me for lunch. I told her it’s not a great idea. I really do miss her but I don’t think it’s really best for us to meet again. What should I do? I feel so helpless.January 22, 2018 at 4:44 am #187999
How do you cope with these on and off feelings? I couldnt breathe at one point no matter how hard I tried. Admire your resilience and strength. Cheers to you for working hard on the relationship. Hope you can get rid of this feeling soon. Wish you the best!January 22, 2018 at 5:01 am #188003
I am not really sure if my past troubles affected my relationship. I came from a loving asian family even though my parent’s doesn’t show their affection much but I know they love each other and they love us too. Only had one past relationship before this, my first ex cheated on me as she was older than me and mainly because I was being a doormat to her. Nonetheless, I learned a lot during those times. I did pass on my insecurities from my first relationship to my current relationship but I managed it and communicated with my gf.
What I mean by conversation flow is that we seldom have playful talks, dirty talks and you know that kind of feeling where you can just talk about anything. This has been a problem that I noticed in the early stages of the relationship and I did communicated it with her but she did not see it as a problem on her side. It is very hard to explain, its like the feeling where you just talk so much and you just wanna talk to each other all night long and then just be comfortable with each other after we have nothing to talk about. But I don’t recall having this feeling with her. When we are silent, I felt weird and a little bit uncomfortable but she’s totally fine with it. Eventually, I thought maybe I was just insecure and thing too much and just ignore this uncomfortable feeling. I think this is the reason why I have that deep connection with her which got me quite bored for quire some time.
Despite all these, I love her as a person. She is sweet, loving and supportive. But when I ask myself all the time, Am I truly happy? I find it so difficult to answer and the amount of guilt that struck me. I just can’t be happy with her. No matter how hard I tried. I am so tired. She loves me and I know she is willing to accept me back with open arms whenever I want to. But I love her too and I don’t want her to suffer anymore. I did not know love can be this painful and I thought being cheated is painful enough. Loving someone but knowing that you can’t be happy is another level. I guess the saying “Loving someone means letting go” is true after all.January 22, 2018 at 5:49 am #188013
It has been a whole process. This relationship for me was a big challenge and reflection of many things I wanted to change about myself. it served perfectly to see myself in him and acknowledge parts of me that needed healing and changing. So, I guess I dealt with this “NO” feeling by looking at myself. We have been super happy for the past few months, I guess I let myself go and felt I had sorted out many mental and emotional issues I had (independent of him) and had finally got to a point when we were just enjoying life. However, I cant spend my whole life healing and blaming my parents and past patterns for not “being happy” with a person that loves me and is quite amazing but there is something that just doesn’t click. After all this I still have that gut feeling. And always, I tried to quiet it and fix something about myself, become more accepting, more tolerant, etc, and though it has taught me amazing lessons it gets to a point that it is still there.
Now that I feel that we have passed through a “strainer”, I there is also a specific thing about him, a habit that has not changed with time…. and that does not agree with the lifestyle I want to have. So maybe this is my big NO boiled down to something specific, and because I have hurt him because of this as well, we are in the middle of giving in or making a decision. Very difficult and confusing, I guess the only way out is surrendering.